Understanding why she decided to end things?

[d0nnivain]

This follow up text is a warning shot across your bow.  If you contact her again, against her wishes even to say something nice like Get Well Soon, the next thing will be unleashing her wrath on you, calling you a disrespectful stalker & probably blocking you.  Should you unwisely continue beyond that you will find yourself on the wrong end of a restraining order.   

[ArronHenson]

11 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

This follow up text is a warning shot across your bow.  If you contact her again, against her wishes even to say something nice like Get Well Soon, the next thing will be unleashing her wrath on you, calling you a disrespectful stalker & probably blocking you.  Should you unwisely continue beyond that you will find yourself on the wrong end of a restraining order.   

I don't understand why she'd send me a warning shot as the last time I spoke to her was on the call when she ended us seeing each other, I've not reached out since, not even replied to her message from today.

I spoke to a friend and she thinks she sent that text because she realised she made a mistake of accusing me of disrespecting her space when actually she never told me she needed it before the colonoscopy until today in that text. I didn't see it as a warning, just her coming clean about a mistake she made.

Edited April 19, 2021 by ArronHenson

[d0nnivain]

Does it really matter?  The bottom line remains the same: She does not want you to reach out in any fashion.  She is keeping the ball firmly in her court & no longer wants to play. 

You need to be done.  

I get that it sucks but there is no other choice.  

[ShyViolet]

@ArronHensonThis is getting confusing.  But the bottom line is that she has told you that she needs space, and that when you still contact her, she feels that you're not respecting what she has said.  So just respect it.  Leave this woman alone.  She has been pretty clear that she wants you to leave her alone at this point.  It's really not as complicated as you are making it out to be.

[ArronHenson]

5 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

@ArronHensonThis is getting confusing.  But the bottom line is that she has told you that she needs space, and that when you still contact her, she feels that you're not respecting what she has said. 

Sorry ShyViolet but I think there's some confusion. I don't know where you got the idea that I've still been contacting her from but I've not reached out since she ended things.

[ArronHenson]

9 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Does it really matter?  The bottom line remains the same: She does not want you to reach out in any fashion.  She is keeping the ball firmly in her court & no longer wants to play. 

You need to be done.  

I get that it sucks but there is no other choice.  

I think what matters is that I myself can be okay in knowing that she no longer thinks I disrespected her and what she wanted because I was thinking that I had hurt her when it turns out that it was miscommunication that triggered some things rather than any intent.

[ShyViolet]

2 hours ago, ArronHenson said:

so recieving your texts made me think you didn't respect my need for space,

@ArronHenson This is what I am referring to.Please see the above, from her text to you.  When she said this, it suggests that you did something that made her feel that you weren't respecting her request for space.  

There is no point in going back and forth about details, the bottom line is that she is making it clear now that she doesn't want you to contact her.  The ball is in her court and she will contact you if she's interested.

[ArronHenson]

9 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

@ArronHenson This is what I am referring to.Please see the above, from her text to you.  When she said this, it suggests that you did something that made her feel that you weren't respecting her request for space.

Ah yes! So that part of the message you highlighted is a mistake made by her. So in the text I got from her today, she basically said that on Friday while we were drinking and tipsy she told me that she wanted space from the day of her colonoscopy which is this Friday, but on the weekend she thought she said to have space from Saturday just gone as she couldn't remember what the tipsy version of her said, so that's why she apologised today for getting it wrong. 

Hopefully that clears stuff up

 

She did say when ending things that it's okay if I reach out down the line. Not sure if I've said that already.

Edited April 19, 2021 by ArronHenson

[ExpatInItaly]

I am always a little wary of people who over-explain themselves, out of the blue.  

[ArronHenson]

7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I am always a little wary of people who over-explain themselves, out of the blue.  

I get that too, over explaining and all that. She is a bit of a essay text writer so it didn't throw up any suspicion. I suppose she also gains nothing by writing and sending that text unless it was a s*** test to see if I would start messaging her haha

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, ArronHenson said:

Thanks for your reply! It really helped me understand what must have been going through her mind.

Although I only caught a glimpse into how her life has been affected by her condition, it really didn't bother me as she really is a cracking girl. Such a shame but I respect her for doing what she needed to do for her mental health.

You're welcome.

Half my family has some sort of gastrointestinal issues and they're always running to the bathroom. It's quite unpleasant.

[dramafreezone]

Think of it like this dude...

I can say with 100% certainty that she feels like absolute crud, like the crud of the earth right now, lower than dirt, you get me?  Her self-esteem is crap right now.

What you're doing when you're showing deference, service to her, is exhibiting approval seeking behavior.  When you're trying to prove to someone that you're worthy, you're elevating them above you.  So however she feels about herself, she feels even less about someone that's trying to impress her, because she already thinks so lowly of herself.  So you're lower than crud to her.  It's as if you need her, and she cannot be attracted to someone that relies on her.  She even said it in so many words.  She doesn't want you to need her.

Really, the best thing you could do is walk away and live your life.  It sounds counter-intuitive but such as life when dealng with the opposite sex.  I know women have their confusions when dealing with men but I can only speak on the issues with dealing with women.  Just focus on you right now, you've said what you have to say, now leave it be.

[Stupidkupid]

Hi @ArronHenson

Honestly, if you've not be contacting her I actually don't like that message to you at all. 

Although to me it looks as though she us backpedaling in thr breakup and accepting that she wasn't clear enough about timings.

Its half arsed, to be honest and if she were my partner or ex I would probably block and move on.

Unless that message had explicitly said "Oh boy. Sorry for going off on you and breaking up. I felt you were disrespecting my wishes but in hindsight, I was drunk when i gave you the dates and it was me who screwed up."

Instead she basically texted you to say she screwed up and still tell you to, at the end, she wants space.

But she was getting it, wasn't she? You had not contacted her. You did exactly as she asked. Though upset, you accepted the break up.

Way too much drama for me. Its not fair for her to message you after breaking up with you just to confirm she broke up with you even though she did it for wrong reasons.

[spiderowl]

I think there are possibly two things going on here, OP:

She is not sure you are the one for her and, when stressed, she finds it all a lot to deal with, so she has asked you for space.  I think you should assume this means a break-up unless she comes back to say otherwise.  She did seem to think you were encroaching in some way and thankfully has acknowledged that there was a misunderstanding.  She didn't sound very warm in her message though so she is still pushing you away.

The other thing is that IBS can be very painful, exhausting and scary.  As I sufferer myself, I know this.  I had a friend who, I have to say, did not really sympathise though was never unpleasant, just didn't seem to have any real understanding of illness and pain.  He was the kind of person who thought that people should just 'power through' any problems rather than succumbing to them.  Well, when you are really in pain and it goes on for days, you become scared, demoralised.  The last thing you need is someone like that around.  In fact, you just want to go to bed and take pain relief.  I know it's no fun for the other person, but that's what it is like to be so ill.  She will be aware that it is not fun for you and does not want to have to worry about keeping you happy when she's feeling so dreadful.

So, I do think she is ill, is genuinely suffering, probably just wants to rest and recuperate without having to be on top form for her relatively new boyfriend.  I can believe that if her brother has cancer, she will be terrified that she has it too.  She probably doesn't know which way to turn at the moment and does not want to impose her illness and possible life-threatening illness on you.  If she has had abusive boyfriends in the past, she will not be expecting you to understand.  She may also be extra alert to any 'boundary crossing'.  With regard to her health, it sounds to me like she is genuinely trying to cope whilst feeling terrible.

I can tell you how she might have felt in her current situation:

That she was having to make an effort for you (not because you expect it but because everything is an effort when you are ill).  I have had times when I have come out in a cold sweat and nearly fainted from the pain, certainly felt that I was about to collapse.  Imagine feeling like that and then worrying that your partner is hoping you'll be back in bed soon making love?

That she may or may not find you sympathetic and understanding - have you said anything about supporting her and being happy to care for her if it came to it?  She may be uncertain about your reaction.

That she is worried it may be cancer and does not want to drag you into all that sadness.

But, if she does not think you are the one who will be there, without placing too many demands on her and is not sure you are both right for each other - or has found you to be quite demanding in terms of your eagerness to spend time with her - then she may have decided it's just too much.  It would not be fair for you to hang around waiting to see what the real situation is.  What she is doing is backing off and saying she cannot cope at the moment.  It is not clear whether it is illness and fear causing this or if she has just found you too demanding in some way.  I don't get the impression it is the latter.  I think she doesn't know where her health is going and she can't cope with a relationship and take care of herself at the same time.

Edited April 20, 2021 by spiderowl

[cleverusername]

You deserve better. It's not her place to bring you down because of her own insecurity or fear, thats not cool. Move on, you seem like a good person with good intentions. You'll find someone who appreciates you, it's just not her. 

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, ArronHenson said:

I get that too, over explaining and all that. She is a bit of a essay text writer so it didn't throw up any suspicion. I suppose she also gains nothing by writing and sending that text unless it was a s*** test to see if I would start messaging her haha

I don't think that was it. 

I think she's got a guilty conscience and is over-explaining to make herself feel better, and hoping you buy it. 

[ArronHenson]

6 hours ago, spiderowl said:

That she was having to make an effort for you (not because you expect it but because everything is an effort when you are ill).  I have had times when I have come out in a cold sweat and nearly fainted from the pain, certainly felt that I was about to collapse.  Imagine feeling like that and then worrying that your partner is hoping you'll be back in bed soon making love?

That she may or may not find you sympathetic and understanding - have you said anything about supporting her and being happy to care for her if it came to it?  She may be uncertain about your reaction.

Thank you for such a detailed reply, it's really helped me understand a few things.

On two occasions when I was over hers at different times during when her health was declining, she would say she was tired of trying to always be sexy for me, putting her best self forward for me and always trying to be attractive. She never mentioned cold sweats or nearly faiting but was bloated tonnes and she hated me seeing her belly nearly burst from bloat as she thought I'd see her as fat. I always reassured her that it was I was okay with these things.

The doctor told her she'd need someone to take her home from the hospital because of the sedative. She didn't want to pressure her parents to do it and wasn't sure what her friends would think about seeing her in that state. I offered but she didn't want me to see her sedated and very gassy because she thought I'd be put off. She also said the sedative would probably make her spurt out intense happy thoughts she has about me which are way too soon to be saying to someone that you've been dating for 8 weeks.

6 hours ago, spiderowl said:

She did seem to think you were encroaching in some way and thankfully has acknowledged that there was a misunderstanding.

---------

Or has found you to be quite demanding in terms of your eagerness to spend time with her - then she may have decided it's just too much.  It would not be fair for you to hang around waiting to see what the real situation is.  What she is doing is backing off and saying she cannot cope at the moment.

So over the weekend I offered to see her today to wish her good luck and all that. This was in the grey area between her thinking she asked for space from the Colonoscopy day onwards while very tipsy on the Friday just gone, and yesterday when she admitted that she forgot what tipsy her asked to start space from and really believed she said from the weekend just gone, which was what she actually needed. So me offering to see her during a time she thought she had asked for space must of added a lot of anxiety for her as partners respecting her need for space for her illness means a lot to her and has been a massive issue in previous relationships where they didn't respect it at all.

I obviously do not want to encroach her space, but at the same time I'd like to send a text on the day of the colonoscopy to wish her luck as she said I can reach out at somepoint, but didn't say when.

[ArronHenson]

Was speaking to a friend and by doing that I realised something: we had been spending loads of time together. Trying to work out the days we saw each other, we must of spent nearly every 3rd day together on average, a mix of weekends, or a morning, or a half day.

Although she asked for more dates than me (only by a few), I should of maybe not made myself so available. Obviously we wanted to see each other lots, but how often we saw each other was speeding things up, when actually we needed to slow down, as I've got my life going on, and she's got everything with her brothers cancer, her illness getting worse, work starting to become stressful and a cancer testing colonoscopy soon - no wonder she felt overwhelmed and was needing space, she was juggling several important things to her.

[ArronHenson]

So I have another update! 

Yet again without me texting her, she messaged me saying:

"Hey hope you're doing okay and having a good week. Just wanted to let you know that I put the items you left at mine in the post, they should be with you in 3 days or so. Take care! x"

Pretty much final nail in the coffin right?

Appreciate her letting me know, but for someone who made it so paramount about wanting space, as well as deciding to end things, she's texted me twice in 24 hours.

[ArronHenson]

Should I reply? Ignore?

Should I say anything about her stuff that's still at mine?

[Calmandfocused]

Ignore! 

This is attention seeking behaviour, It doesn’t require a response. Think about it! 
 

I think she’s miffed because you didn’t respond to her last message and she’s nudging you to see if you’ll give her the attention she’s craving so she’ll feel better about herself. 
 

She knows that text will trigger emotion in you. It was completely unnecessary to send but she wants a response from you. 
 

Don’t be someone’s puppet and let her pull your strings. Unless she’s indicating that she wants to work things out with you, don’t respond. You’ve no need to feed another’s ego whilst yours remains in tatters. Don’t do it 
 

 

[ArronHenson]

26 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Ignore! 

This is attention seeking behaviour, It doesn’t require a response. Think about it! 
 

I think she’s miffed because you didn’t respond to her last message and she’s nudging you to see if you’ll give her the attention she’s craving so she’ll feel better about herself. 
 

She knows that text will trigger emotion in you. It was completely unnecessary to send but she wants a response from you. 
 

Don’t be someone’s puppet and let her pull your strings. Unless she’s indicating that she wants to work things out with you, don’t respond. You’ve no need to feed another’s ego whilst yours remains in tatters. Don’t do it 

Hmm I never thought about it like that Calmandfocused tbh!

Are all people like that? I just took her message as genuinely just letting me know she sent it.

I can't lie, there's a part of me that wants her back, but also I don't like playing games.

Wouldn't me replying saying something like thanks or whatever come across as being polite or more so feeding her crave for attention?

And equally, wouldn't a lack of reply for the second time come across that I'm struggling/hurting too much to face replying? Or that I'm strong and not as needy or whatever as much as she thought I might have been?

Edited April 20, 2021 by ArronHenson

[ArronHenson]

I'm am absolutely mug!

I chose to reply and said "thanks for sending that over, see you chose to keep hold of my premium ankle sock collection haha! Hope the colonoscopy goes well, how is the prep going?"

She replied immediately saying "congratulations ".

I feel like an absolutely MUG I shouldn't of asked the question, how didn't I know she wouldn't answer it. I gave her the power there.

Such a mug of coffee. At least I know she doesn't feel like talking (yeah I know it was probably obvious) and now I don't have a need to message her.

Edited April 20, 2021 by ArronHenson

[dramafreezone]

21 minutes ago, ArronHenson said:

I'm am absolutely mug!

I chose to reply and said "thanks for sending that over, see you chose to keep hold of my premium ankle sock collection haha! Hope the colonoscopy goes well, how is the prep going?"

She replied immediately saying "congratulations ".

I feel like an absolutely MUG I shouldn't of asked the question, how didn't I know she wouldn't answer it. I gave her the power there.

Such a mug of coffee. At least I know she doesn't feel like talking (yeah I know it was probably obvious) and now I don't have a need to message her.

Yes all guys know the feeling.  You need to leave her alone.  That's what she wanted.

All you had to say was thanks, if you were concerned with seeming cold.

[ArronHenson]

5 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Yes all guys know the feeling.  You need to leave her alone.  That's what she wanted.

All you had to say was thanks, if you were concerned with seeming cold.

I feel so annoyed at myself  you're totally right

Edited April 20, 2021 by ArronHenson