Understanding why she decided to end things?

[ArronHenson]

13 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Are you sure it's IBS? I've known a few people with that and it causes discomfort and digestive issues, but I've never heard of anyone being full on incapacitated by it. Are you sure it's not Crohns Disease? My god-daughter has Crohns, so does her father, and it's a very embarrassing condition, especially for a young woman. It's typified by bouts of illness where the sufferer loses a lot of weight all of a sudden and they're subject to bouts of debilitating diarrhoea, sometimes loss of bowel control. Depending on the severity of it they may need to be hospitalised. Outbreaks are unpredictable but it's thought that high stress is a major contributing factor.  You say she sounded like she was crying when she told you she couldn't see you any more, that doesn't sound like someone who really wants to break up. 

Thank you for your reply. She's told me it was IBS and I've got no reason to think she lied, or if she was suffering with something worse. I remember asking her for some paracetamol for a headache and she told me it was in the draw, I opened the wrong draw and saw all her medication. This made her feel very embarrassed, and probably forced her to explain why she has so many prescribed medicines earlier than she would have liked.

I do feel she needed to protect herself as her previous partner made her feel rotten about her IBS when it was diagnosed.

I do generally hope the colonoscopy results bring no bad news, and I'd love to reach out to know how it went, or just how she is. Very aware that could be too much/not respecting her space.

[cleverusername]

I say reach out anyway after her surgery. Bring her flowers or have them sent and a card. Even though she ended it now for whatever reason doesn't mean it can't happen in the future. If it genuinely is the IBS, she may be feeling vulnerable and insecure about it and she feels guilty dragging you along. Either way, don't compromise your character and let it be soured by this, if you care about her as a person, check in and make here feel loved as a human not a lover. You seem like a good genuine person OP.

Edited April 19, 2021 by cleverusername

[Lotsgoingon]

Let me put in a hopeful word: this wasn't going anywhere despite how happy you guys seemed to be. 

When sometime tells you that they were overwhelmed with life, believe them. Literally believe them. Hmm, eight weeks is just about the point where you could let a bf or gf take care of you. Sounds like you were willing to work with her through that. 

Sounds to me like she's got some shame issues or low confidence issues or anxiety issues. There are couples where one gets more seriously ill than she did before eight weeks and they make it through. You've had sex. So you've seen her naked. You were in a good position to help take care of her. 

She might have a controlling family--and she's compliant to the family perspectives--and the family might have told her she can't date. 

In any event, dude, had she not acted this way now, she was going to freak out/declare overwhelmed later. Thinking back, did she seem to have anxiety? 

So the bad news is ... yes, this is a bummer. The true news is, when someone tells you they get overwhelmed with life, believe them. You do not want to date someone who pushes you away when they feel overwhelmed. And again, she seems ashamed of her condition or something. There's no need to retreat. You could fall and break your leg--I doubt you would think, "I have to stop dating." 

This hurts, but you need someone more resilient and high functioning. And sometime who can receive love. With her condition she would have a free pass to have you bring her food, rub her back and attend to her. That she couldn't ask for and receive that--very bad sign, not able to function in a relationship. 

Edited April 19, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[dramafreezone]

1 hour ago, ArronHenson said:

Not sure if you read all my replies but the IBS hadn't flared up badly when we were first dating, but 3 weeks ago her toilet habits changed when I was over hers, she'd also have stomach cramps, wake up in the middle night (and in doing so accidentally wake me up) and end up on the toilet back and forth. Her decline health wise was noticible. This is her first colonoscopy and it was a colonoscopy that informed her brother that he has incurable bowel cancer so I'm sure she's massively freaked by that.

It may be very distressing for her, but if she valued you she'd want you to be there beside her for support.

[ArronHenson]

9 hours ago, cleverusername said:

I say reach out anyway after her surgery. Bring her flowers or have them sent and a card.

 

8 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Hmm, eight weeks is just about the point where you could let a bf or gf take care of you. Sounds like you were willing to work with her through that. 

Sounds to me like she's got some shame issues or low confidence issues or anxiety issues. There are couples where one gets more seriously ill than she did before eight weeks and they make it through. You've had sex. So you've seen her naked. You were in a good position to help take care of her. 

She might have a controlling family--and she's compliant to the family perspectives--and the family might have told her she can't date. 

Thanks for both of your replies!

I know everyone moves at different speeds, and maybe it's my age, but 8 weeks is way too soon for me and someone to be bf & gf.

On paper I would have wanted to help out as much as possible, but at the same time I've got a very busy work schedule atm so I wouldn't of been able to help her get better every evening for a few hours before heading back to mine for sleep. She did make it clear that she wouldn't be in any fit state to go on dates until her results get back as she's fearing the worse, and the whole 'being her carer' is too soon for either of us. She's made it clear that her ex partners have been demanding of her time and very suffocating, so she was probably worried that if she just asked for space, I'd react the same as they did as that's all her experience with guys have shown her, so she needed to end it to protect herself. 

I won't lie, it wasn't massively convincing just because of how out-of-the-blue as she was escalating the relationship only a few days ago before the weekend.

Best thing I can do is give her some space and show her I'm not like the other men, that's the least she deserves. If we speak again then great, and if not then we have both learned and can move on with no hate for the other. Kind of a win-win to a certain extent.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, ArronHenson said:

she was probably worried that if she just asked for space, I'd react the same as they did as that's all her experience with guys have shown her, so she needed to end it to protect herself. 

Maybe, but if she's still that affected by her past that she decides to opt out completely rather than giving things a chance...she is not ready for a relationship. 

[ArronHenson]

5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Maybe, but if she's still that affected by her past that she decides to opt out completely rather than giving things a chance...she is not ready for a relationship. 

I do agree here, but I think it's more than just her relationship past that's caused her to pull the trigger. 

"It's not fair on you babe to string you along while I can't give you 100%, and I can't give that until I feel better and can feel attractive and sexy for you again, and generally show you my best self which I can't do while my health gets worse and worse". These words from her really intrigued me.

[ExpatInItaly]

I do understand her health issues, for sure. My ex-boyfriend of 8 years suffered from quite severe IBS. He too required several scopes and finally surgical intervention. It is not easy. 

Whatever the case - her past, her health, and so on - it doesn't change the end result, unfortunately. She is still choosing not to continue this relationship. She might feel differently once she's had her scope, or she might not. I wouldn't hedge any bets. 

[ArronHenson]

13 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I do understand her health issues, for sure. My ex-boyfriend of 8 years suffered from quite severe IBS. He too required several scopes and finally surgical intervention. It is not easy. 

Whatever the case - her past, her health, and so on - it doesn't change the end result, unfortunately. She is still choosing not to continue this relationship. She might feel differently once she's had her scope, or she might not. I wouldn't hedge any bets. 

Thanks for your reply!

Yeah it was sad to see her get worse both physically and mentally when her IBS started to get worse.

Do you think there's any harm in me reaching out a week or two after her scope? No motive but just to see how she was. Or is 1-2 week too soon for that?

[ArronHenson]

I also have a general question for everyone.

Everyone's heard of the saying "when you know, you know" but do you ever feel that is an actual feeling that's turned out to be true, or is it just hopeful thinking?

I've only been the 'dumpee' twice, one long relationship and one a couple months of dating. Both times I acted needy immediately after: blowing up her phone, feeling like I needed to see her and interact with her, making myself believe it's not completely over.

But this one feels different. Yes I miss her a lot but I don't have a need to blow up her phone, or that I need to speak to her or have her near or win her over.

For the first time in my "I've been dumped" history, I feel that this is 100% what needed to happen and I'm totally okay with it. I have this deep feeling that we'll see each other again.

[ShyViolet]

1 minute ago, ArronHenson said:

I've only been the 'dumpee' twice, one long relationship and one a couple months of dating. Both times I acted needy immediately after: blowing up her phone, feeling like I needed to see her and interact with her, making myself believe it's not completely over.

But this one feels different. Yes I miss her a lot but I don't have a need to blow up her phone, or that I need to speak to her or have her near or win her over.

For the first time in my "I've been dumped" history, I feel that this is 100% what needed to happen and I'm totally okay with it. I have this deep feeling that we'll see each other again.

Do you at least understand now that it's NEVER ok to act the way you did in those earlier breakups?  Just because this one "feels different" that shouldn't be the reason why you are not doing that stuff this time around.

[ArronHenson]

7 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Do you at least understand now that it's NEVER ok to act the way you did in those earlier breakups?  Just because this one "feels different" that shouldn't be the reason why you are not doing that stuff this time around.

I never did blow up those ex's phone or try to win them back or whatever though, I just didn't want to lose her, which is one of the biggest traits of somebody who is needy. 

What I meant is that I don't have an impulse to need this girl, and I'm just trying to figure out why that is compared to the other times, because it's definitely not a conscious decision.

[d0nnivain]

@ArronHenson

You sound like a nice guy -- sweet, caring.  

But here's the thing, having a new relationship is time consuming.   A lot of other things get put on hold at the beginning, or at least that is how it always felt in my life.  I would skip doing routine things in favor of the new relationship & things would pile up.  

This girl has a lot going on.  Her own health.  Her family member with cancer.  Life etc.  Her last BF made her feel bad about her health.  He wasn't supportive.  She's been conditioned to see her health as a negative, something she is punished for.  In essence you are being punished for his sins.  

If she is overwhelmed as she said, she is pairing down her Life & alas since you were the last new thing she added you are the 1st to go.  

It may be timing but it's also that she is not attached enough to fight to keep you.  She does not want to rely on you.  You can't force your way into her life. 

Sorry.  

[Lotsgoingon]

Best thing I can do is give her some space and show her I'm not like the other men, that's the least she deserves.

NO!!!!!!!! You cannot "show" someone that you're not like others. That's not your business. Your business is to be the best version of yourself and if she likes that, she likes it.

Recovering rescuer here. You do not want to get caught up in trying to win the trust of people who have been hurt by others. What happens is the relationship favors her, because you're trying to show you're goody two-shoes. No, be yourself. You are going to have some flaws and weak spots. Either overall she goes for you or not.

You know, just this experience here follows what I'm saying. You might have been so busy trying to show you're "not like" the other guys that you might have missed signs that she wasn't interested, that she was distant. And guess what? You got dumped. 

Better option: do not try to reassure someone at the start. You end up being too nice, too fetching and yes, too needy ... Basically you end up neglecting your own needs. Why isn't it her job to reassure you that she'll be a great gf?!

 

[ArronHenson]

23 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Best thing I can do is give her some space and show her I'm not like the other men, that's the least she deserves.

NO!!!!!!!! You cannot "show" someone that you're not like others. That's not your business. Your business is to be the best version of yourself and if she likes that, she likes it.

Recovering rescuer here. You do not want to get caught up in trying to win the trust of people who have been hurt by others. What happens is the relationship favors her, because you're trying to show you're goody two-shoes. No, be yourself. You are going to have some flaws and weak spots. Either overall she goes for you or not.

You know, just this experience here follows what I'm saying. You might have been so busy trying to show you're "not like" the other guys that you might have missed signs that she wasn't interested, that she was distant. And guess what? You got dumped. 

Better option: do not try to reassure someone at the start. You end up being too nice, too fetching and yes, too needy ... Basically you end up neglecting your own needs. Why isn't it her job to reassure you that she'll be a great gf?!

 

Hi Lotsgoingon,

When I meant show her, I didn't mean show her haha, I worded it badly. She's use to those abusive ex's chasing her once broken up, so by being myself and doing what I want, she notice that I'm not like that. I'm not actively showing, but just being me instead.

Tbf I never changed how I acted around her once hearing about her relationship past, I kept on just being me. 

By her actions she was showing more interest (talking about being exclusive, and overall being more flirty) all the way up to ending it which is the most confusing thing for me haha!

[ShyViolet]

45 minutes ago, ArronHenson said:

I never did blow up those ex's phone or try to win them back or whatever though, I just didn't want to lose her, which is one of the biggest traits of somebody who is needy. 

I am confused.  First you said that you blew up your exes' phones, " feeling like I needed to see her and interact with her, making myself believe it's not completely over.".  Now you are saying you didn't do that.  Which is it?

[ArronHenson]

42 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

@ArronHenson

You sound like a nice guy -- sweet, caring.  

But here's the thing, having a new relationship is time consuming.   A lot of other things get put on hold at the beginning, or at least that is how it always felt in my life.  I would skip doing routine things in favor of the new relationship & things would pile up.  

This girl has a lot going on.  Her own health.  Her family member with cancer.  Life etc.  Her last BF made her feel bad about her health.  He wasn't supportive.  She's been conditioned to see her health as a negative, something she is punished for.  In essence you are being punished for his sins.  

If she is overwhelmed as she said, she is pairing down her Life & alas since you were the last new thing she added you are the 1st to go.  

It may be timing but it's also that she is not attached enough to fight to keep you.  She does not want to rely on you.  You can't force your way into her life. 

Sorry.  

Thank you for the kind words!

If you told me this in my previous breakups I probably would have felt sad, funny how experiences help us grow in so many ways, but yet not funny at all.

The hardest thing to hear was her saying that she actually still liked me and that if her health didn't decline then this conversation wouldn't have been happening, but she needed to give all her attention to people she 100% trusted deeply while she goes through this vulnerable time for her. Building enough deep trust in 8 weeks is very hard from what I've experienced and seen so I get it.

[ArronHenson]

3 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

I am confused.  First you said that you blew up your exes' phones, " feeling like I needed to see her and interact with her, making myself believe it's not completely over.".  Now you are saying you didn't do that.  Which is it?

Sorry I just checked that post in particular and there was meant to be a "needed to" in front of "blow up their phones". The feeling of needing to still see them and interact with them was there, but I never actually reached out to them.

Apologies for that confusion.

[Alpacalia]

She may be worried about her current health; IBS and trouble regulating bowel movements may be humiliating.

Nonetheless, she seems to have preferred to "dust the decks," or get clear of things that take time and energy. If she is dealing with a chronic illness that necessitates ongoing medical attention, she may not be in the best of spirits.

And you can't let a relationship twist you into a pretzel by requiring too much effort to sustain or build a connection.

[ArronHenson]

11 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

She may be worried about her current health; IBS and trouble regulating bowel movements may be humiliating.

Nonetheless, she seems to have preferred to "dust the decks," or get clear of things that take time and energy. If she is dealing with a chronic illness that necessitates ongoing medical attention, she may not be in the best of spirits.

And you can't let a relationship twist you into a pretzel by requiring too much effort to sustain or build a connection.

Thanks for your reply! It really helped me understand what must have been going through her mind.

Although I only caught a glimpse into how her life has been affected by her condition, it really didn't bother me as she really is a cracking girl. Such a shame but I respect her for doing what she needed to do for her mental health.

[ArronHenson]

Hi all I have an UPDATE. She just text me this out of the blue:

"Hey! Remember Friday when we were drinking I said I'd need a small bit of space when my colonoscopy comes round just so I focus on my health. Being very tipsy (which I shouldn't have done due to IBS) isnt an excuse but during the weekend I was convinced I said that I needed space from the weekend onwards to focus everything on me to calm me down ready for the colonoscopy. So that's why I was very quiet during the weekend because I thought I said I needed space from then on, so recieving your texts made me think you didn't respect my need for space, and the need for space is something that means a lot to me due to my history. I know it sounds like BS but it is true so I'm sorry it happened. I got so in my head about it over the weekend that I thought you were disrespecting something that means a lot to me. I just need some space please".

Don't know if I needed to hear that or not haha...

[ShyViolet]

2 minutes ago, ArronHenson said:

Hi all I have an UPDATE. She just text me this out of the blue:

"Hey! Remember Friday when we were drinking I said I'd need a small bit of space when my colonoscopy comes round just so I focus on my health. Being very tipsy (which I shouldn't have done due to IBS) isnt an excuse but during the weekend I was convinced I said that I needed space from the weekend onwards to focus everything on me to calm me down ready for the colonoscopy. So that's why I was very quiet during the weekend because I thought I said I needed space from then on, so recieving your texts made me think you didn't respect my need for space, and the need for space is something that means a lot to me due to my history. I know it sounds like BS but it is true so I'm sorry it happened. I got so in my head about it over the weekend that I thought you were disrespecting something that means a lot to me. I just need some space please".

Don't know if I needed to hear that or not haha...

Ok so she is just reinforcing what she said.  She is telling you she needs space.  And the fact that you texted her anyway made her feel bothered and disrespected.  Honor her wishes.

[ArronHenson]

5 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Ok so she is just reinforcing what she said.  She is telling you she needs space.  And the fact that you texted her anyway made her feel bothered and disrespected.  Honor her wishes.

I didn't do anything wrong though did I? I mean from a sense of I can only work with what I know. When tipsy she said she needed space from this coming Friday, but what she actually wanted was space from the weekend just gone which I didn't know at the time when I was texting her because it wasn't what she said. Damn communication. But I'll respect her wishes and won't reach out for a while, I really appreciate her honesty

[ShyViolet]

I know you didn't purposely do anything wrong.  But by being too needy, to clingy, not listening to her hints, continuing to want to reach out to her, that is problematic behavior that is disrespectful and inappropriate if you let it continue.  Let her reach out to you if and when she decides that she wants to.  She might never be interested in dating you again.  And if that's the case then you need to accept that and not keep bothering her.  The ball is in her court now.  If she is interested then she will come back and you'll hear from her.  Pestering her is not going to increase your chances.

[Calmandfocused]

Aaron I’d really advise against you trying to contact her after her procedure. 
 

Her breaking up with you is her telling you to get lost and that she doesn’t want to deal with you right now. Your best bet is to therefore to do exactly as she asks. Contacting her or. sending her flowers etc is likely to irritate her and this communicates that you are not respecting her wishes. 
 

She hasn’t forgotten who you are. She will contact you if she realises she’s made a mistake. Chasing her will push her further away IMO. 
 

I don’t think it’s anything to do with the colonoscopy itself. I think she’s embarrassed. Some people are really funny about toilet habits.... I’ve known couples who have been together years and have never broken wind in front of each other, never mind got the s**ts in front of each other. It must be highly embarrassing to have these symptoms in the presence of a man you’ve only been dating 8 weeks. 
 

My view is that the embarrassment she feels regarding her condition supersedes any attachment she has to you after a mere 8 weeks - understandable. 
 

You’ve no choice. Life your life, Move on and see what happens.