Understanding why she decided to end things?

[ArronHenson]

Hi everyone,

Both from UK, both 26. We met on a dating app, and had been dating this very kind girl for 8 weeks but today (out of the blue) she called and decided it'd be best to stop dating each other. I could hear her trying to hold a few sobs back. We had loads of laughs, great sex, fun dates and helped each other out when needed.

Both admitted we like each other. Last week we decided to be exclusive and not date other people. This weekend she was visiting some family and hardly spoke to me at all. Tonight she decided to put an end to us seeing each other. Her reasoning for ending things was because she's having a serious colonoscopy (due to her bad IBS) which she's nervous about coming up later in the week so she needed to put herself first and not have to worry about me, as she's already very nervous about it. She then said she needed space because she's been so overwhelmed and is tired of trying to show her best self to me when she feels ill nearly everyday. She said that she thought about keeping things going but thought it wouldn't be fair on me as she wouldn't be able to give time for me with all that's going on (she also has a close family member with cancer).

I know 8 weeks isn't long in the grand scale of things, but they were an incredible 8 weeks. I've dated a fair few women and been in a fair few relationships but this was up there.

As I said, it was out of the blue so really caught me off guard. I spoke to some close friends but I'd just love to get some opinions or similar experiences from people who don't know me at all! 

I just wish I could of helped her make her life less overwhelming, but I know that's not my job.

Thanks in advance everyone!

Arron

[Stupidkupid]

Hi Aaron... sounds like she got cold feet after your exclusivity chat. Perhaps a friend or famoly member said something and it got in her head. Perhaps she ia just overwhelmed with thimgs right now.

I know its a tough one as you like her. And I'm sorry.

I went on a bunch of dates after a serious relationship and got to like one or two of the guys a whole lot but the minute it felt serious i bolted. Perhaps she ia just worried that she has a lot going on, as she said. Or perhaps she herself is like I was... just really not ready for serious after a break up or something else.

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, ArronHenson said:

This weekend she was visiting some family and hardly spoke to me at all. Tonight she decided to put an end to us seeing each other.

Sorry to hear this happened. Is there an on/off ex or someone from her past who lives near family? While she may be stressed out from chronic medical conditions and flares she knew that when she got on the dating app, dating 8 weeks, had sex, etc.

[ArronHenson]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear this happened. Is there an on/off ex or someone from her past who lives near family? While she may be stressed out from chronic medical conditions and flares she knew that when she got on the dating app, dating 8 weeks, had sex, etc.

 

11 minutes ago, Stupidkupid said:

I went on a bunch of dates after a serious relationship and got to like one or two of the guys a whole lot but the minute it felt serious i bolted. Perhaps she ia just worried that she has a lot going on, as she said. Or perhaps she herself is like I was... just really not ready for serious after a break up or something else.

Thanks for both of your replies!

When we first started dating, her IBS was under control and wasn't flaring up, but for the last three weeks it's got really bad (I could see her get worse healthwise) which is what lead to her booking a colonoscopy. 

Her exs are all out of the picture as they were all dicks to her (her words), some even abused her, which she needed counciling for one time. Maybe that played apart to her needing space and distance while she's going through a tough time?

Edited April 18, 2021 by ArronHenson

[Stupidkupid]

I suspect, if she was abused and hasn't got any help for that, she just doesn't feel she can trust anyone. As soon as it becomes serious, she wants out so she doesn't end up where she was before.

Obviously, we can't know the above but if thats it, you can't fix that but it will help her long term if you are a good guy now and understanding, letting her do what she needs to. (Assuming you told her the procedure didn't bother you and she didn'/ need to worry. Then she told you she needed space)

I'm sorry it ended for you. Its always hard when you really like someone.

[ArronHenson]

18 minutes ago, Stupidkupid said:

I suspect, if she was abused and hasn't got any help for that, she just doesn't feel she can trust anyone. As soon as it becomes serious, she wants out so she doesn't end up where she was before.

Obviously, we can't know the above but if thats it, you can't fix that but it will help her long term if you are a good guy now and understanding, letting her do what she needs to. (Assuming you told her the procedure didn't bother you and she didn'/ need to worry. Then she told you she needed space)

I'm sorry it ended for you. Its always hard when you really like someone.

It wasn't on a daily basis, but for last few weeks she did ask a lot of questions like if I was put off by her IBS and stuff like "how do you still find me sexy despite how much I need to s*** all the time", and I always told her that it didn't bother me and that I do find her sexy. Maybe she didn't believe me or its as you said, finds it hard to trust a guy that's being nice due to how badly she's been treated by men in the past. I did tell her on the call that I totally understood and that she needed to do what's best for herself and her health. She said I've treated her the best out of all the guys she's dated.

I think maybe for her I was a case of 'right person but wrong time.'

It's sad and disappointed Arron talking now but would there be harm in me reaching out in a few weeks after her appointment/hospital tests asking how she's doing? Very aware I may feel very different about that idea when two weeks come round haha.

Edited April 18, 2021 by ArronHenson

[Ami1uwant]

How old are you two?

 

I think this there is more to this than IBS and she pulls away.  I saw it firsthand with someone I started to date who had some medical condition that required surgery. She pulled away from me.

 

There are other possibilities...

 

1 she wasn’t exclusive, or she thought of being exclusive but when trying to push away another guy, things changed

2 she didn’t want to get serious with you and told you BS to scare you away like she doesn’t have such medical conditions

3 something with family pressuring her not to date certain people like you like if you are of a different race , nationality, religion than she is.

 

4. family pressure in setting her up dating peop,e.

[Stupidkupid]

14 minutes ago, ArronHenson said:

 

I think maybe for her I was a case of 'right person but wrong time.'

It's sad and disappointed Arron talking now but would there be harm in me reaching out in a few weeks after her appointment/hospital tests asking how she's doing? Very aware I may feel very different about that idea when two weeks come round haha.

You could very well be right.

For me...it depends. She said she doesn't want to be with you so from your perspective is reaching out:

1) a genuine query as to her well being after surgery with no expectations and also, it won't set you back

2) hopeful that she will feel calmer and differently

To be honest, only you know how you feel and I don't know that either of the above is necesaarily wrong. But if she does have trusr or insecurity issues... this would happen again

[norealusername]

I think she's using the IBS as an excuse and it's probably other issues. But maybe I'm wrong.

[smackie9]

I dunno, whatever the explanation, true or just plain bs, the fact is, she doesn't want to pursue a relationship with you. Just walk away.

[smackie9]

3 minutes ago, norealusername said:

I think she's using the IBS as an excuse and it's probably other issues. But maybe I'm wrong.

I agree but I don't think it's "issues" she may of had second thoughts on her decision. The more long winded the excuse, the more the bs is being covered up because of guilt.

[ArronHenson]

8 minutes ago, norealusername said:

I think she's using the IBS as an excuse and it's probably other issues. But maybe I'm wrong.

 

3 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

I agree but I don't think it's "issues" she may of had second thoughts on her decision. The more long winded the excuse, the more the bs is being covered up because of guilt.

 

21 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

How old are you two?

 

I think this there is more to this than IBS and she pulls away.  I saw it firsthand with someone I started to date who had some medical condition that required surgery. She pulled away from me.

 

There are other possibilities...

 

1 she wasn’t exclusive, or she thought of being exclusive but when trying to push away another guy, things changed

2 she didn’t want to get serious with you and told you BS to scare you away like she doesn’t have such medical conditions

3 something with family pressuring her not to date certain people like you like if you are of a different race , nationality, religion than she is.

 

4. family pressure in setting her up dating peop,e.

Hi thanks for your replies.

To answer all questions, we're both 26.

The IBS really isn't BS, I saw her health deteriorate badly over the last few weeks and the reason she went to see her family was because she was getting ill and needed to be with family she could trust while she was in a vulnerable position. It's really killed her confidence, and she admitted that trying to be sexy and put her best self on display was tiring for her.

I believe her because if I was her, I'd probably be doing the same too if there was no end in sight with a deteriorating health condition. 

[smackie9]

Just now, ArronHenson said:

 

 

Hi thanks for your replies.

To answer all questions, we're both 26.

The IBS really isn't BS, I saw her health deteriorate badly over the last few weeks and the reason she went to see her family was because she was getting ill and needed to be with family she could trust while she was in a vulnerable position. It's really killed her confidence, and she admitted that trying to be sexy and put her best self on display was tiring for her.

I believe her because if I was her, I'd probably be doing the same too if there was no end in sight with a deteriorating health condition. 

I never said her illness is bs. She's using it as an excuse, but may not be the real reason. But whatever, she's not interested.

[dramafreezone]

2 hours ago, ArronHenson said:

Hi everyone,

Both from UK, both 26. We met on a dating app, and had been dating this very kind girl for 8 weeks but today (out of the blue) she called and decided it'd be best to stop dating each other. I could hear her trying to hold a few sobs back. We had loads of laughs, great sex, fun dates and helped each other out when needed.

Both admitted we like each other. Last week we decided to be exclusive and not date other people. This weekend she was visiting some family and hardly spoke to me at all. Tonight she decided to put an end to us seeing each other. Her reasoning for ending things was because she's having a serious colonoscopy (due to her bad IBS) which she's nervous about coming up later in the week so she needed to put herself first and not have to worry about me, as she's already very nervous about it. She then said she needed space because she's been so overwhelmed and is tired of trying to show her best self to me when she feels ill nearly everyday. She said that she thought about keeping things going but thought it wouldn't be fair on me as she wouldn't be able to give time for me with all that's going on (she also has a close family member with cancer).

I know 8 weeks isn't long in the grand scale of things, but they were an incredible 8 weeks. I've dated a fair few women and been in a fair few relationships but this was up there.

As I said, it was out of the blue so really caught me off guard. I spoke to some close friends but I'd just love to get some opinions or similar experiences from people who don't know me at all! 

I just wish I could of helped her make her life less overwhelming, but I know that's not my job.

Thanks in advance everyone!

Arron

Thrill of the chase.  She enjoyed pursuing it, but doesn't want it once she has it.

Colonosocopy, geez, look I'm not minimizing any medical procedure, but it's not open heart surgery.  She's had them before if she's had IBS, and she's going to end a relationship over it?

I just think that maybe it was a wee bit too easy to get the exclusive relationship, and we don't value things if they're easy to get.

[IslandSanctuary]

Colonoscopy could be a "It's not you it's me" type little white lie line to 'spare your feelings'. Women are notorious for this. Visiting family? Could have been someone else, you never know. 
Don't waste any more time on her, I know it's hard but there are plenty of fish in the sea - find someone that wants to be with you. I never really followed this advice when I was younger, found it really hard to move on - but that is really what you should do. Plenty of lovely women out there. 

[ShyViolet]

No one breaks up with someone because they are having a colonoscopy.  I thought I had heard it all, but that's a new one.  After 8 weeks she realized that she's just not that into you.  She's using the colonoscopy and the health issues as an excuse, an easy way out.  Letting you down easy.  It happens.  

[ArronHenson]

16 minutes ago, IslandSanctuary said:

Colonoscopy could be a "It's not you it's me" type little white lie line to 'spare your feelings'. Women are notorious for this. Visiting family? Could have been someone else, you never know. 

Hi there thanks for your reply, thought I'd reply by saying that she was at her families. Her Instagram stories was full of her at her parents house with their dog and everything.

Haha wait are you saying the colonoscopy was a lie? You may need to read my other comments haha

[ArronHenson]

12 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

No one breaks up with someone because they are having a colonoscopy.  I thought I had heard it all, but that's a new one.  After 8 weeks she realized that she's just not that into you.  She's using the colonoscopy and the health issues as an excuse, an easy way out.  Letting you down easy.  It happens.  

Yeah I totally get where you're coming from.

But it was only 3 days ago where she brought up wanting to be exclusive, and four days ago where she told me she liked me. So that's why her losing interest as the main trigger for ending things is harder to believe, especially with it being a few days later.

[norealusername]

It's probably not a lie. It's a routine procedure though. She had the problem before she met you. Don't you think it's a little strange that it's now too much of an issue to date you? She's just trying to let you down easy. 

[ArronHenson]

38 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Thrill of the chase.  She enjoyed pursuing it, but doesn't want it once she has it.

Colonosocopy, geez, look I'm not minimizing any medical procedure, but it's not open heart surgery.  She's had them before if she's had IBS, and she's going to end a relationship over it?

Hiya thanks for the reply

I thought I'd say that this is her first colonoscopy, and a colonoscopy result was what informed her brother that he has incurable bowel cancer, so I totally get why she's freaked

[MsJayne]

1 hour ago, ArronHenson said:

The IBS really isn't BS, I saw her health deteriorate badly over the last few weeks and the reason she went to see her family was because she was getting ill and needed to be with family she could trust while she was in a vulnerable position. It's really killed her confidence, and she admitted that trying to be sexy and put her best self on display was tiring for her.

I believe her because if I was her, I'd probably be doing the same too if there was no end in sight with a deteriorating health condition. 

Are you sure it's IBS? I've known a few people with that and it causes discomfort and digestive issues, but I've never heard of anyone being full on incapacitated by it. Are you sure it's not Crohns Disease? My god-daughter has Crohns, so does her father, and it's a very embarrassing condition, especially for a young woman. It's typified by bouts of illness where the sufferer loses a lot of weight all of a sudden and they're subject to bouts of debilitating diarrhoea, sometimes loss of bowel control. Depending on the severity of it they may need to be hospitalised. Outbreaks are unpredictable but it's thought that high stress is a major contributing factor.  You say she sounded like she was crying when she told you she couldn't see you any more, that doesn't sound like someone who really wants to break up. 

[Ami1uwant]

10 minutes ago, ArronHenson said:

Hi there thanks for your reply, thought I'd reply by saying that she was at her families. Her Instagram stories was full of her at her parents house with their dog and everything.

Haha wait are you saying the colonoscopy was a lie? You may need to read my other comments haha

Did you read the first part of what I shared?  I had this happen to me. It’s something to personal too early in a relationship where they aren’t sure yet about and don’t want you to be a caregiver yet and either feel guilty if they dump you right after they get better or they are afraid you will get sick of dealing with it and leave thus she wasted time in this.

 

As others said she could be using this to scare you away.  Maybe inflating how bad she really is to get you to leave her instead of her ending it with you. Guys do this to women they think are decent peop,e but they aren’t into. Instead of being the bad guy, they do things to ticker her off and get her to end it with them.

 

 

 

 

 

d.

[ArronHenson]

6 minutes ago, norealusername said:

It's probably not a lie. It's a routine procedure though. She had the problem before she met you. Don't you think it's a little strange that it's now too much of an issue to date you? She's just trying to let you down easy. 

Not sure if you read all my replies but the IBS hadn't flared up badly when we were first dating, but 3 weeks ago her toilet habits changed when I was over hers, she'd also have stomach cramps, wake up in the middle night (and in doing so accidentally wake me up) and end up on the toilet back and forth. Her decline health wise was noticible. This is her first colonoscopy and it was a colonoscopy that informed her brother that he has incurable bowel cancer so I'm sure she's massively freaked by that.

[norealusername]

Well it may be real. It's just that people use excuses like this to break up without having to tell the other person the truth. 

[ArronHenson]

Just now, Ami1uwant said:

Did you read the first part of what I shared?  I had this happen to me. It’s something to personal too early in a relationship where they aren’t sure yet about and don’t want you to be a caregiver yet and either feel guilty if they dump you right after they get better or they are afraid you will get sick of dealing with it and leave thus she wasted time in this.

 

As others said she could be using this to scare you away.  Maybe inflating how bad she really is to get you to leave her instead of her ending it with you.

Ah sorry I missed that first part! Sorry that this has also happened with you. The latter of your first paragraph seems more of a fit. She admitted to me few weeks ago that her previous partner really made her feel worse when her IBS was first diagnosed and it ended up being a constant discussion in their relationship, so maybe she feels I'll run away if she gets worse or stuff like that. I believe I'm the type of guy that wouldn't run away if things got worse, but she doesn't know that for sure and has to protect herself which is only right, and for which I respect.

Unless she was an Oscar worthy actor with great improve skills, it would have been hard to fake how bad she got. I was seeing it happen in person which was really sad.