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I don't understand him: does he like me or not?

Amanda141

By Amanda141
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Allupinnit Established Member

Allupinnit

Posted
Posted
1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

Women all do that, even the Blake Lively, the Hally Berry did it, the Jennifer Aniston did it, the Rihanna, we all do it unfortunitely. 

Oh come on you know Ryan Reynolds was barking up THAT TREE ha

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

Posted
Posted
3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

You either accept his nature and need for space, or you walk.

Were you not talking about compromise earlier? 

They talk and they meet in the middle. He keeps his time alone but he contacts her mid week. 

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted
6 hours ago, Amanda141 said:

Since I know myself I know that I cannot resist to not send anything at all :( could the message I proposed be ok?

What is your objective in sending it?

poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
5 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Lukewarm men rarely heat up.  

I don't mean to point fingers, but why did things end with your ex?  I remember there being a lot of back and forth.  

Bolded - this is a misnomer re men who need space.  My ex was never "lukewarm" hardly!  But I am going to stop arguing about it, it's not serving any good purpose at this point.

Re my ex, I am referring to my previous ex, our RL ended in late 2015.

My recent ex, the man I talked about on this forum, in retrospect, I was not in love with him.  I don't even miss him in all honesty.  I went through the motions, I tried to convince myself I was in love with him but I was not.

I am not so sure he loved me either, but perhaps that's just me projecting because I didn't love him.

 

 

 

Edited by poppyfields
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Amanda141 Established Member

Amanda141

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9 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Also wanted to add that I really hope you don't text this guy again.  I can't imagine someone like Blake Lively sitting around waiting for a lukewarm man to come around, neither should you.  Let the boy come to you. 

Trust me I dated a LOT and you may have to just learn this one for yourself but although the urge feels impossible to resist you're not going to get the answer you want by chasing him (which is what you're doing if you reach out again!).

thanks! I have dated a lot of guys too but I have never a long term relationship, even if it's my biggest desire right now. My friends make fun of me because even if I'm just 23 I always tell them that I can't wait to be married with children lol (in a few years, not now)

Luckily during the week I work so I don't think about him all day. I'll try my best not to text him but knowing myself I don't know if I can resist that long

Allupinnit Established Member

Allupinnit

Posted
Posted
Just now, poppyfields said:

Bolded - see this is a misnomer.  My ex was never "lukewarm," but I am going to stop arguing about it, it's not serving any good purpose at this point.

Re my ex, I am referring to my previous ex, our RL ended in late 2015.

My recent ex, the man I talked about on this forum, in retrospect, I was not in love with him.  I don't even miss him in all honestly.  I went through the motions, I tried to convince myself I was in love with him but I was not.

 

 

 

Sorry for making assumptions.  I just think it does the OP no good when you try to downplay her very real desires in a relationship (which are completely normal) because some guy wrote a book about men rubber banding.  I think women cling to this as a viable reason for a man going cold when he's just not all that interested.  

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Amanda141 Established Member

Amanda141

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4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What is your objective in sending it?

An answer, a closure or understanding why he is behaving like this. If there is still a window of opportunity or if it's time for me to put my heart at rest. I am 23, if I don't make mistakes now, when? I just don't feel like giving up just yet... 😕 probably it's the wrong decision, I am still thinking if texting him or not but I know myself and I don't think I will resist

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Amanda141 Established Member

Amanda141

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3 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Sorry for making assumptions.  I just think it does the OP no good when you try to downplay her very real desires in a relationship (which are completely normal) because some guy wrote a book about men rubber banding.  I think women cling to this as a viable reason for a man going cold when he's just not all that interested.  

so true. I am also reading some of that literature, like "men are from mars, women are from venus" and to some extent it's certainly true but sometimes the reason is that they are just not that interested. If u were me, what would you text him?

poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
11 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Sorry for making assumptions.  I just think it does the OP no good when you try to downplay her very real desires in a relationship (which are completely normal) because some guy wrote a book about men rubber banding.  I think women cling to this as a viable reason for a man going cold when he's just not all that interested.  

I am not talking about John Gray's Mars/Venus series with the "rubberbanding" although it does have some merit.  He's not even a therapist so I don't hold much value anymore, although I used to.  I was speaking about more reputable sources like Esther Perel and Psychology Today among others.

Anyway, I am going to stop discussing; there is such a misconception circulating out there that men who need space are lukewarm, cold, not interested or not wanting a "real" relationship, that arguing about it serves no purpose.

These misconceptions are ingrained within which is fine, I respect that.

Edited by poppyfields
ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted

I think that you won't be able to asssess his real interest in you if you prod him into communicating, OP. 

 

 

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Allupinnit Established Member

Allupinnit

Posted
Posted
Just now, poppyfields said:

I am not talking about John Gray with the "rubberbanding" although it does have merit.  He's not even a therapist.

Anyway, I am going to stop discussing; there is such a misconception circulating out there that men who need space are lukewarm, or in his "cave" or not wanting a "real" relationship, that's arguing about it serves no purpose.

These misconceptions are ingrained within which is fine, I respect that.

That's because in the early dating stages men who are interested don't act lukewarm.  Now, when you're in an established relationship and you just spent all weekend up each other's butts?  Yeah then take a  couple of days to regroup.  The OP's guy doesn't even ask her out!

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Amanda141 Established Member

Amanda141

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19 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Hey I LOVE a man's intense interest in me and passion as well!  lol   And referring to my ex, he gave that to me, in abundance, but he also needed a certain about of space, which I gave to him.

I just wanted to point that out because there is this notion out there that when a man is passionate about you, he "should" behave a certain way, like NOT needing space, and this is incorrect, feeling excitement and passion for a woman and needing space are not mutually exclusive.  The can both co-exist together.

To Amanda, how does he treat you during your times together?  Apologies if you mentioned this earlier.  If he is caring, loving, excited and passionate about you during your time together, then you have a choice.  You either accept his nature and need for space, or you walk.

 

when we are together, I am the happiest girl alive. I can't help it... I smile all the time. Even if we didn't have sex, I was just so happy holding his hand, kissing and cuddling him. I felt like Cinderella finally meeting her prince Charming :( I would literally do the countdown until I saw him again and when he texted me after the dates my heart beat was going as fast as a Ferrari

poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
8 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

That's because in the early dating stages men who are interested don't act lukewarm.  Now, when you're in an established relationship and you just spent all weekend up each other's butts?  Yeah then take a  couple of days to regroup.  The OP's guy doesn't even ask her out!

That's your experience.  Referring to my previous ex again, he asked me to be exclusive on our second date!  So no he was never lukewarm as I said.  His passion for me overwhelmed me sometimes, straight from the getgo and perhaps it overwhelmed him too which is why he needed to take space.  To retain his autonomy as a man, which is important for some men.  Ester Perel talks about this.

I don't know about OP's boyfriend, I will go back and read the entire thread, my bad for not doing so.  I started out responding to her post about about texting him on Wed asking if he was alright.

But yeah okay, if this guy is not even asking her out and isn't ever excited or passionate about her and also needs days of space, then I agree he is not interested and she should walk.

 

 

Edited by poppyfields
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Amanda141 Established Member

Amanda141

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3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

@Amanda141: Do you drive or it's always him going to you?

I live in the city centre while he lives 15km away in the suburbs. He has always drove to me for logistic reasons (I am also not from here and I don't have car). Anyway, if we meet again, I'd have no problem in going to his neighbourhood and talk about this situation 

Allupinnit Established Member

Allupinnit

Posted
Posted
Just now, Amanda141 said:

I live in the city centre while he lives 15km away in the suburbs. He has always drove to me for logistic reasons (I am also not from here and I don't have car). Anyway, if we meet again, I'd have no problem in going to his neighbourhood and talk about this situation 

You're 23, I could technically be your mother.  Girl - on top of the double-text, this is the LAST thing he wants to do.  Just because YOU want it, doesn't mean that HE does, and if you keep pushing/texting, reaching out you're going to get on his nerves and there is almost NO coming back from being in that position with a man.  He probably doesn't even think there's anything to talk about, because you're not on his mind as much as he is on yours (if you were he would be reaching out)

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

Posted
Posted
5 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

I live in the city centre while he lives 15km away in the suburbs. He has always drove to me for logistic reasons (I am also not from here and I don't have car). Anyway, if we meet again, I'd have no problem in going to his neighbourhood and talk about this situation 

Did he take  you to his house for dinner with his family?

LivingWaterPlease Established Member

LivingWaterPlease

Posted
Posted
43 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

How long you've been waiting?

32 years

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

Posted
Posted
2 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

32 years

What?? you've waiting for this man to warm up to you for 32 years? 

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LivingWaterPlease Established Member

LivingWaterPlease

Posted
Posted (edited)
4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

What?? you've waiting for this man to warm up to you for 32 years? 

Lol! Great response, Gaeta! No, I haven't even known this man that long. I've been waiting 32 years for a guy like this! I may not end up with him (I believe it's quite possible I will, though) but if I don't, it won't be because I chased him in any way.

I was contacted by him many months ago but have know of him much longer. He only became available last year. I knew he'd be chased and didn't contact him or get in his orbit in any way. I was shocked to hear from him the first time.

Edited by LivingWaterPlease
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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
10 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

32 years

lol, apologies for chuckling but after 32 years, I think you know his nature is not about to change.  But obviously you feel cherished and valued otherwise you wouldn't have lasted this long.

Another perfect example illustrating how there is no such thing as "normal," what's important is understanding your man's nature, and determining if you are okay with it, and/or if there are redeeming qualities about him and if he makes you feel cherished and valued.

Edited by poppyfields
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Amanda141 Established Member

Amanda141

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I still haven’t met his family (only 5 dates and we’re in our 20s). 
 

thank you all for your messages and suggestions. Really appreciated :) I’ll take some time to think. If I have news, I will text here!

graziee!!! 

Amanda

poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted
6 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

Lol! Great response, Gaeta! No, I haven't even known this man that long. I've been waiting 32 years for a guy like this! I may not end up with him (I believe it's quite possible I will, though) but if I don't, it won't be because I chased him in any way.

I was contacted by him many months ago but have know of him much longer. He only became available last year. I knew he'd be chased and didn't contact him or get in his orbit in any way. I was shocked to hear from him the first time.

lol, okay nevermind my last post.  😂

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Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

Posted
Posted
10 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

I still haven’t met his family (only 5 dates and we’re in our 20s). 
 

thank you all for your messages and suggestions. Really appreciated :) I’ll take some time to think. If I have news, I will text here!

graziee!!! 

Amanda

Don't text !! 🙂

 

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spiderowl Established Member

spiderowl

Posted
Posted

Something seems fishy about this guy's behaviour, Amanda.  If he wants you, he should be contacting you.  It's that simple.  You shouldn't be hanging on wondering why he isn't in touch.  If he is going slow because he wants a 'proper relationship' instead of rushing into sex, then why isn't he building an emotional relationship with you?  

My feeling is this guy is in a relationship, maybe married, maybe attached.

Most guys will not let their work get in the way of a relationship that matters to them.  Most of the high-flying guys I have known have been really busy, yes, but they have also had more control over their personal time as well because of their status.  Something just doesn't feel right about your guy.

Do you know where he works?  Do you know his first and second name?  Do you know where he lives?  Do you know any of his friends or family members?  If you say no, then you do not know his real circumstances at all.  You are trusting his word.  I feel he has a relationship commitment of some kind elsewhere.

I would definitely not text him or try to contact him.  I would give myself a date by which any decent boyfriend would have contacted me, no more than 3 days after we were last in touch, and then decide to drop him after that.  It's that simple.  Why hang on for someone who has no time for you?

 

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