I don't understand him: does he like me or not?

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it seems like he's growing cold. That could be because you seem to come on quite intensely ("I'm so emotional!") or he's just not that into you.

This has nothing to do with religion. He would date people from the same religion with the same beliefs, if that were the case.

Seems like a personality and cultural mentality clash.

 

[Amanda141]

32 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately it seems like he's growing cold. That could be because you seem to come on quite intensely ("I'm so emotional!") or he's just not that into you.

This has nothing to do with religion. He would date people from the same religion with the same beliefs, if that were the case.

Seems like a personality and cultural mentality clash.

 

I agree. I haven't heard from him since Saturday. If by Wednesday he hasn't reached out, I was thinking of sending him a message saying "hey everything alright?  We haven't talked much in the past few days" and see what he says. I would like to meet him again and, in person, ask him if he is really willing to keep getting to know me. What do you think?

[Wiseman2]

35 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

, I was thinking of sending him a message saying "hey everything alright?  We haven't talked much in the past few days" 

Just invite him for coffee, lunch, whatever and skip the relationship talk.

Either he replies and accepts your invitation...or not.

Then you have the answer without sending that embarrassing text.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Just invite him for coffee, lunch, whatever and skip the relationship talk.

Either he replies and accepts your invitation...or not.

Then you have the answer without sending that embarrassing text.

I agree with this. 

Personally, OP, I would not send him anything. But as it appears you don't want to take that approach, just ask him when he would like to meet up. Don't do the "is everything ok?"-thing. Let his response to your invitation and actions speak for him. 

Edited April 19, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Amanda141]

20 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I agree with this. 

Personally, OP, I would not send him anything. But as it appears you don't want to take that approach, just ask him when he would like to meet up. Don't do the "is everything ok?"-thing. Let his response to your invitation and actions speak for him. 

My only concern is that I had already asked him out for last weekend.. so what would you send? Maybe “Heyy how are you? Just wondering if you wanted to meet this weekend” ?

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Amanda141 said:

My only concern is that I had already asked him out for last weekend.. so what would you send? Maybe “Heyy how are you? Just wondering if you wanted to meet this weekend” ?

As I said previously, I would not send him anything at all. 

 

[Amanda141]

3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

As I said previously, I would not send him anything at all. 

 

Since I know myself I know that I cannot resist to not send anything at all  could the message I proposed be ok?

[sadsoymilk]

39 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

Since I know myself I know that I cannot resist to not send anything at all  could the message I proposed be ok?

The best thing to do is not send anything at all.

If you really can't do that, I understand, but then you need to be straightforward. Ask him to meet you. If he rejects or doesn't respond, you have your answer, block and move on.

I've been in quite a few of these "strung-along" relationships - meeting once a week or every two weeks, always on his time - sometimes for OVER A YEAR. And guess what? Those guys did not care about me. At all. 

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

Why don't you focus on setting up a new meeting with someone entirely different? I forgot if you met this man on a dating app but you are new to your city and maybe there are others you can chat with to not be so laser focused on someone not really giving you the time of day right now. You can still check back with him later but show you have other things going on and don't contact him. I guess the lockdown may still be in full force for you (?, I have clients in Berlin and seems to be the case) but are there any walking tours of your city you can join if they are going on (with masks and social distancing). Personally I LOVE taking those tours and have even taken them here where I live in San Francisco to learn about a new areas, etc.
 

[poppyfields]

6 hours ago, Amanda141 said:

I agree. I haven't heard from him since Saturday. If by Wednesday he hasn't reached out, I was thinking of sending him a message saying "hey everything alright?  We haven't talked much in the past few days" and see what he says. I would like to meet him again and, in person, ask him if he is really willing to keep getting to know me. What do you think?

Take it from me DO NOT send.  Women are nurturers, we like connection, we like to show we care...

This is not endearing to man who is needing space (for whatever reason), it will annoy the hell out of him and turn him off!  

Stop reaching, stop pushing.  Leave him alone, he will come to you when he's ready and interested.

Then you can talk to him if you like, but trust me, if you still haven't heard from him by Wed and send that message, it's gonna backfire on you.  

He will not appreciate it. 

[LivingWaterPlease]

6 hours ago, Amanda141 said:

I agree. I haven't heard from him since Saturday. If by Wednesday he hasn't reached out, I was thinking of sending him a message saying "hey everything alright?  We haven't talked much in the past few days" and see what he says. I would like to meet him again and, in person, ask him if he is really willing to keep getting to know me. What do you think?

With some guys this may work but I doubt it will with this guy. You have to give this guy space. Doesn't mean he'll contact you again. But, I'll wager if you contact him at all again for anything you've lost him with no other chances.

If you wait, you still have a chance. No guarantees if you wait he'll contact you again.

If you do contact him (please don't but I don't think you can hold back) let us know his response. If he responds positively I'll be very happy for you. But, I'd be surprised if you get a positive response, although he'll be low key and gracious I predict (from what you've written about him which isn't much so I'm prepared to be wrong.)

[LivingWaterPlease]

15 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Take it from me DO NOT send.  Women are nurturers, we like connection, we like to show we care...

This is not endearing to man who is needing space (for whatever reason), it will annoy the hell out of him and turn him off!  

Stop reaching, stop pushing.  Leave him alone, he will come to you when he's ready and interested.

Then you can talk to him if you like, but trust me, if you still haven't heard from him by Wed and send that message, it's gonna backfire on you.  

He will not appreciate it. 

This. I didn't see it when I wrote my post. Read, reread the above, print it out and paste it on your bathroom mirror, bedroom mirror and any other place you frequent in your home..

[LivingWaterPlease]

3 hours ago, Amanda141 said:

Since I know myself I know that I cannot resist to not send anything at all  could the message I proposed be ok?

It's a good time to learn some self-control, i.e. discipline. Nothing personal, something we all need to learn at some point in life. We are born expressing ourselves freely, screaming, crying, smiling, cooing. We find it gets results very early. At some point we learn more abstract ways of dealing with life and with others. Controlling emotions and impulses has great rewards at times. Learning how when and where yields great rewards.

PS Most of us continue to learn lessons on this throughout our lives. Those who learn early benefit greatly!

[Gaeta]

7 hours ago, Amanda141 said:

I agree. I haven't heard from him since Saturday. If by Wednesday he hasn't reached out, I was thinking of sending him a message saying "hey everything alright?  

Don't send anything at any point. 

Don't you want to know what he's made of?

When you chase him , you pick up his slack. That's how you never get to know if he's really into you. 

Go get yourself a 1000 pieces puzzle and concentrate on that. 

[poppyfields]

28 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Don't send anything at any point. 

Don't you want to know what he's made of?

When you chase him , you pick up his slack. That's how you never get to know if he's really into you. 

It's not even about him slacking off though, which is what I used to believe too.

It's about understanding his nature, as a man.  A certain type of man.  I recently read several articles from reputable sources (Psychology Today, Esther Perel whom most of you know is my virtual mentor) that some men are more "masculine" than others, with a high level of testosterone.  

For men like this, they literally need to retreat to their own space for various reasons.

Problem is, women being "feminine" we like connection, to feel close. That's our nature. So we do what is in our nature to do - reach out.  Ask if everything is alright...

But this is not their nature, and like I said before, if you reach out while they're in this "state," you will annoy them and turn them off.  

The articles I read were like my "aha" moment, literally.  It explained why certain men were hot/cold, off/on, push/pull.

Most women need consistency, so this dynamic between men and women can cause a toxic polarization, which often has a profoundly negative effect on relationships. often causing their demise.

Amanda, again do NOT reach out.  If you want to show him what a high value woman you are, and if you want him to appreciate you, allow him his space, his time.  He has his reasons, as a man.  Trust me, he will appreciate it.  And as time goes on, may need less and less alone time.

Keep in mind, he may never return.  And if that happens, graciously let him go.  Reaching, pushing will not hold him longer if he's no longer interested.

I wish all women could understand this.  If they did versus jumping to the erroneous conclusion that he's some "player" or he lost interest, or whatever, I really do believe it would have a profoundly positive effect on romantic relationships.

Strive for understanding his nature as a man versus pushing him to acquiesce to your frame, as a woman.

Edited April 19, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

@poppyfields: I understand men need for space. Different men need different amount of space. I am ok with a man that needs some space example 24-48 hours is reasonable to me. Another woman, like you, would be ok with 4-5 days of space. 

That being said to establish what type of space her guy needs she has to let him show her by not contacting him. 

Once it's established he needs 4-5 days of space then she has to make a decision if she can live with that, especially can she be happy with that, is that enough for her to keep connected to this man. 

He has a need for space, she has a need for connection. Her need is as important as his. 

In most litterature I've come across it's natural for a man to pull away 24 hrs to 48/72 hrs periodically. If the man is pulling away more than 5 days then there is an issue, it's no longer considered normal need for space. 

I consider myself a pretty independant woman and I would not date a man that needs 5 days a week space. Even if his need for space is legitimate, it would simply mean we are not compatible. I would not ignore my need for connection over his need of space and I would let him go. 

 

[poppyfields]

22 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

@poppyfields: I understand men need for space. Different men need different amount of space. I am ok with a man that needs some space example 24-48 hours is reasonable to me. Another woman, like you, would be ok with 4-5 days of space. 

That being said to establish what type of space her guy needs she has to let him show her by not contacting him. 

Once it's established he needs 4-5 days of space then she has to make a decision if she can live with that, especially can she be happy with that, is that enough for her to keep connected to this man. 

He has a need for space, she has a need for connection. Her need is as important as his. 

In most litterature I've come across it's natural for a man to pull away 24 hrs to 48/72 hrs periodically. If the man is pulling away more than 5 days then there is an issue, it's no longer considered normal need for space. 

I consider myself a pretty independant woman and I would not date a man that needs 5 days a week space. Even if his need for space is legitimate, it would simply mean we are not compatible. I would not ignore my need for connection over his need of space and I would let him go. 

 

I agree with you, her need for connection is just as important.  So it's a choice.  She either strives for understanding versus taking it personally or attaching negative meaning to it and works within those parameters, or she walks. 

Also keep in mind that as time goes on, once she's able to understand his nature and need for space, he will need less and less.

This happened with my previous long term ex, he needed TONS of lone time; sometimes after a weekend of closeness/togetherness, I wouldn't hear from him for 2-3 days (briefly) or see him until the following weekend, or sometimes two weeks.

This man was madly in love with me, but needed this space, so I graciously gave it to him, and as time went on, he needed less and less and we were together six years.  I ended it for reasons unrelated to his need for space.

He STILL contacts me periodically, wanting to try again, and we broke up over 5 years ago!

 

 

Edited April 19, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

23 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

In most litterature I've come across it's natural for a man to pull away 24 hrs to 48/72 hrs periodically. If the man is pulling away more than 5 days then there is an issue, it's no longer considered normal need for space. 

There is no such thing as "a normal need for space," everyone is different and has different needs in this regard.

Remember the thread about the woman who had a beautiful, loving relationship with her boyfriend on weekends - Friday, Saturday, Sunday?  She raved about how awesome he was, how loving and caring he was on their days together (Fri-Sun.) however he rarely if ever contacted her during the week.

The advice was to dump, my advice was strive for understanding and reaching a compromise.  Her last post stated she spoke to him and he made the effort to contact her on the Monday after their weekend.  She was ecstatic (her word). 

I would love it if she updated, but this is a perfect example of a man who required 4 days of space, after which he was able to be his loving, caring self on the weekends.

There is no "normal."

Edited April 19, 2021 by poppyfields

[LivingWaterPlease]

24 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

@poppyfields: I understand men need for space. Different men need different amount of space. I am ok with a man that needs some space example 24-48 hours is reasonable to me. Another woman, like you, would be ok with 4-5 days of space. 

That being said to establish what type of space her guy needs she has to let him show her by not contacting him. 

Once it's established he needs 4-5 days of space then she has to make a decision if she can live with that, especially can she be happy with that, is that enough for her to keep connected to this man. 

 

 

 

12 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I agree with you, her need for connection is just as important.  So it's a choice.  She either strives for understanding versus taking it personally or attaching negative meaning to it and works within those parameters, or she walks. 

Also keep in mind that as time goes on, once she's able to understand his nature and need for space, he will need less and less lone time.

 

 

 

Great posts, so very accurate! These should be posted on LS somewhere for all women to read.

My man right now started out with five days and I'm a 24-hour (or less) -woman. One time he went ten days! At the end of ten days he told me he thought he might be annoying me is why he hadn't reached out! This because I had stopped answering his texts the minute they came in.

He was anything but annoying me! I was waiting for his texts 24/7 lol!

Anyway, I made it clear to him he was not annoying me. 

But the interesting thing to me was that he reached out even though he thought he might be annoying me. IMO that was the ole male testosterone (and yes, women have testosterone, too! but usually men have more of it) kicking in and I learned a lot about him. He was determined to see this through, a great trait, I believe. And that tenacity and drive is why he has accomplished so much in his life, I believe.

Nowadays we are at four days sometimes, and one or two days at other times. He's continuing to take the lead as to how often we're in contact and he's opening up more and more with me. This is a great man and I'm determined to wait on him, though it's been excruciating at times.

Edited April 19, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease

[Allupinnit]

LOL I've never had to back off from my H, and we BOTH need personal space from time-to-time.  The men I HAVE had to scour the internet for answers regarding their interest?  THEY JUST WEREN'T.  It's so simple.

5 days isn't space, 5 days is going about your life as usual and every so often hitting up that girl you've seen less than once a week in 2 months and rarely contact.

There are some women ok with going at a snail's pace in their relationships and that is fine.  Then there are women like me and OP who love feeling a man's intense interest and passion and that's ok, too.  There are men out there who will be excited about you, OP.  I found mine after LOTS of duds like the one you're dealing with.

Edited April 19, 2021 by Allupinnit

[Allupinnit]

Also wanted to add that I really hope you don't text this guy again.  I can't imagine someone like Blake Lively sitting around waiting for a lukewarm man to come around, neither should you.  Let the boy come to you. 

Trust me I dated a LOT and you may have to just learn this one for yourself but although the urge feels impossible to resist you're not going to get the answer you want by chasing him (which is what you're doing if you reach out again!).

[poppyfields]

10 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

 Then there are women like me and OP who love feeling a man's intense interest and passion and that's ok, too.  There are men out there who will be excited about you, OP.  

Hey I LOVE a man's intense interest in me and passion as well!  lol   And referring to my ex, he gave that to me, in abundance, but he also needed a certain about of space, which I gave to him.

I just wanted to point that out because there is this notion out there that when a man is passionate about you, he "should" behave a certain way, like NOT needing space, and this is incorrect, feeling excitement and passion for a woman and needing space are not mutually exclusive.  The can both co-exist together.

To Amanda, how does he treat you during your times together?  Apologies if you mentioned this earlier.  If he is caring, loving, excited and passionate about you during your time together, then you have a choice.  You either accept his nature and need for space, or you walk.

 

Edited April 19, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

10 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

This is a great man and I'm determined to wait on him, though it's been excruciating at times.

How long you've been waiting?

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

  I can't imagine someone like Blake Lively sitting around waiting for a lukewarm man to come around, neither should you.  

Women all do that, even the Blake Lively, the Hally Berry did it, the Jennifer Aniston did it, the Rihanna, we all do it unfortunitely. 

[Allupinnit]

Just now, poppyfields said:

Hey I LOVE a man's intense interest and passion as well!  lol   And referring to my ex, he gave that to me, in abundance, but he also needed a certain about of space, which I gave to him.

I just wanted to point that out because there is this notion out there that when a man is passionate about you, he "should" behave a certain way, like NOT needing space, and this is incorrect, feeling excitement and passion for a woman are needing space are not mutually exclusive.

To Amanda, how does he treat you during your times together?  Apologies if you mentioned this earlier.  If he is caring, loving, excited and passionate about you during your time together, then you have a choice.  You either accept his nature and need for space, or you walk.

 

Ok but, it's not working for the OP.  It wouldn't work for me either.  I vote she walks.  

I'm just sharing what my own dating experiences were like before meeting my H at the ripe old age of 37.  I had been around the block.  Lukewarm men rarely heat up.  

I don't mean to point fingers, but why did things end with your ex?  I remember there being a lot of back and forth.