Wiseman2 Posted April 18, 2021 Posted April 18, 2021 4 hours ago, Amanda141 said: I was born and raised in Italy and I live in Germany Sounds like you'll have to figure out if it's a personality clash or a cultural clash.
BaileyB Posted April 18, 2021 Posted April 18, 2021 My guy was a little slow to get started too... and, it worked out just fine in the end. I posted here to see what people thought about the fact that he was taking his time, and I got a bunch of replies that said “he’s low interest, drop him!” He wasn’t low interest, he was just taking his time for several different reasons. That why my advice is, don’t let your anxiety get the better of you. Try not to make assumptions and don’t make any impulsive decisions. Show him you are interested, but let him pursue you. All will be revealed with time... this will either grow to be more soon or it will not. 3
Kir Posted April 18, 2021 Posted April 18, 2021 (edited) 4 hours ago, Amanda141 said: I know that if a girl wants to wait to have sex everything is okay, but if the guy wants to wait then he must certainly be virgin/small dick/inexperienced/with a sexual disease... so yeah, I know that this double standard is not okay, but usually it's weird that guys don't want to have sex. I can understand (and I am delighted) if they wanna wait a bit, but after 5 dates i dont know. This guy is a mystery. I'll see how it goes... the thing is that I really like him and I have butterflies in my stomach when I see him It's not about a double standard. I don't speak for most men. I speak for myself, only. Am I dating someone? Am I spending time with a woman -who isn't an established friend - and Am I going on dates with that woman? It's because I can see myself being in a relationship with her, but before a relationship can be formed, I need to figure out if we are sexually compatible. If she has a sex drive as comparable as my own, and above all: I need to see if she's sexually attracted to me. The quicker she sleeps with me, the more I believe her to be sexually attracted to me, and sexual attraction is a very big component in a relationship(to me). I don't want to be wasting my time and her time, months and months on end, only for us to end up breaking apart because we are not compatible. So, yes, considering the guy wants to wait, doesn't want to have sex, and has been like this for some time. Makes me wonder if he has a low sex drive, or if he's sleeping with someone else etc etc. Edited April 18, 2021 by Kir
d0nnivain Posted April 18, 2021 Posted April 18, 2021 I suspect there are some cultural differences at play here too. You are all fire & passion, which is wonderful & you have to be true to yourself. He is culturally more reserved. I think if you can slow down a bit that you will end up with a great guy but if you push him, he's gonna bolt because he can't handle your speed. My husband moved too slow for me too at the beginning. I was ready to drop him at one point but I knew that it was me pushing too fast so I slowed my own roll & & things are good. 3
Gaeta Posted April 18, 2021 Posted April 18, 2021 6 hours ago, Amanda141 said: is German-Serbian Have you informed yourself on his culture? I'm reading family comes before anything else. Is he religious? Could be part of why he's slow in the intimate department. 1
smackie9 Posted April 18, 2021 Posted April 18, 2021 (edited) Amanda, I know you are really attached to this guy, and at a young age, I know this because I did it myself, that you only focus on your attachment. And it is that you value most and than it's blinding you from your dissatisfaction. This is all about expectations, not cultural differences, of his busy career, it's YOUR expectations. The reality is, he isn't fulfilling your key expectations, like regular communication, a higher enthusiasm about seeing you, being more available, more passionate about being with you, things feeling right, etc. Instead you are questioning the progress, his interest in you and his interaction. It's important for you to have these expectations, to build intimacy which you so crave to have. And you shouldn't have to sacrifice that for anyone just to be with them. It's not what you want to hear but, you are not dating the right guy. I get it you came here seeking a solution, but why force a guy to act the way you want, to make you feel more secure/satisfied? The biggest red flag here is the fact he's only had one serious relaitonship and that was 7 years ago. There's a reason for that. He is happy just to date, and not get too involved. You are not getting what you want, and at 2 months, that's long enough to know this isn't working the way you want it to. You are now at a point where you see that. I say let him go and find yourself a man that gives you the attention you expect/want/need/deserve. Edited April 18, 2021 by smackie9 2
Alpacalia Posted April 18, 2021 Posted April 18, 2021 Instead of pursuing a man you may never be able to reach, why not pursue a goal, or a degree? Invest this time and energy in yourself so that you can become a more prosperous and self-sufficient person. Make it your primary objective. 2
Gaeta Posted April 18, 2021 Posted April 18, 2021 1 hour ago, smackie9 said: The biggest red flag here is the fact he's only had one serious relaitonship and that was 7 years ago. I see nothing wrong with that. I was single 10 years between my relationships. Sometimes people take a break and work on other things in their life. 2
smackie9 Posted April 18, 2021 Posted April 18, 2021 5 minutes ago, Gaeta said: I see nothing wrong with that. I was single 10 years between my relationships. Sometimes people take a break and work on other things in their life. It's not just the 7 years, it's the fact he's only had one serious relaiotnship, he's only 27, not someone who was divorced and taking a break, and he's dating her at arms length, not making effort to build emotional intimacy, requesting to take things real slow. The biggest red flag is the one date a week after 2 and a half months. Maybe OK for your dating style, but it isn't the OP's. That's why she is here. 2
Author Amanda141 Posted April 18, 2021 Author Posted April 18, 2021 1 minute ago, Alpaca said: Instead of pursuing a man you may never be able to reach, why not pursue a goal, or a degree? Invest this time and energy in yourself so that you can become a more prosperous and self-sufficient person. Make it your primary objective. I already have a master degree and a stable and satisfying job. I reguarly workout, I have loving family and friends... the only thing that is missing in my life is Love, and unfortunately I get anxious about it as it's something that I really want. I must try to be more chilled about it, definitely 1
Author Amanda141 Posted April 18, 2021 Author Posted April 18, 2021 14 minutes ago, Gaeta said: I see nothing wrong with that. I was single 10 years between my relationships. Sometimes people take a break and work on other things in their life. yes but it's not that he was married or something. He has been single from 20 to his age now (almost 28)
Author Amanda141 Posted April 18, 2021 Author Posted April 18, 2021 2 minutes ago, smackie9 said: It's not just the 7 years, it's the fact he's only had one serious relaiotnship, he's only 27, not someone who was divorced and taking a break, and he's dating her at arms length, not making effort to build emotional intimacy, requesting to take things real slow. The biggest red flag is the one date a week after 2 and a half months. Maybe OK for your dating style, but it isn't the OP's. That's why she is here. yes I completely agree. 100000%! I would like to see him a bit more, even just for an hour walk after work (he works in the city centre, just 3km from my place and 1km from my office). I think he's socially awkward and doesn't really know how to date. I feel there is smth that he is not telling me.... I don't think he is seeing other girls to be honest, but this pace is awfully slow. I am starting to think that he's a virgin or that he had sex just a couple of times in his life
smackie9 Posted April 18, 2021 Posted April 18, 2021 (edited) Amanda I was in your shoes, seeing a guy once a week when it was convenient for him, and little to no communication in between. I wanted more so I just cut my losses and moved on. A year and a half later I met my husband. BTW it's not your job to teach a grown man how to date you. Edited April 18, 2021 by smackie9 4
Author Amanda141 Posted April 18, 2021 Author Posted April 18, 2021 6 minutes ago, smackie9 said: Amanda I was in your shoes, seeing a guy once a week when it was convenient for him, and little to no communication in between. I wanted more so I just cut my losses and moved on. A year and a half later I met my husband. BTW it's not your job to teach a grown man how to date you. yes definitely it's not my job. He is 27 and should know these things. It' common sense. Having said that, I will leave the ball in his court now and wait a few dates. If by thursday he still hasn't texted, I was thinking of sending him a message: "heey everything alright? We haven't talked much in the last few days" - and see... what do you think? I dont wanna give up just yet I'm very emotional and I dont wanna have regrets
smackie9 Posted April 18, 2021 Posted April 18, 2021 (edited) Hun the only regret you are going to have is the fact you waited this long to realize this isn't working for you. If a friend came to you with this, what advice would you give them? He hasn't changed in 2 and half months, and there isn't going to be a change. Texting him that is needy and insecure. If you want to tell him what you need to sustain a relationship with you come out and just say it to him...never send cryptic messages expecting him to understand what you mean. Step forward and have a talk with him about it. Edited April 18, 2021 by smackie9
Author Amanda141 Posted April 18, 2021 Author Posted April 18, 2021 Just now, smackie9 said: Hun the only regret you are going to have is the fact you waited this long to realize this isn't working for you. If a friend came to you with this, what advice would you give them? He hasn't changed in 2 and half months, and there isn't going to be a change. Texting hi that is needy and insecure. If you want to tell him what you need to sustain a relationship come out and just say it to him...never send cryptic messages expecting him to understand what you mean. Step forward and have a talk with him about it. I agree that I would like to have the talk in person, but at this point I don't even know if I'll ever see him again. I know myself and I can resist a few days to text him, but no longer than maybe thursday if you were me, what message would you send him? just to see where things are. Even for a sense of closure
smackie9 Posted April 18, 2021 Posted April 18, 2021 The ball is his court. I wouldn't send him anything. And there is no way I would discuss a serious topic like this over text. Pick up the phone and dial. 1
smackie9 Posted April 18, 2021 Posted April 18, 2021 When I told the guy he didn't meet my expectations and I wasn't seeing him anymore...he didn't fight me on it. So I made the right choice. 1
Alpacalia Posted April 18, 2021 Posted April 18, 2021 37 minutes ago, Amanda141 said: I already have a master degree and a stable and satisfying job. I reguarly workout, I have loving family and friends... the only thing that is missing in my life is Love, and unfortunately I get anxious about it as it's something that I really want. I must try to be more chilled about it, definitely That's wonderful! Okay, it seems that he has other interests right now. If you have to push to do things like go on dates, you might want to rethink if this is the right situation for you. 1
BaileyB Posted April 18, 2021 Posted April 18, 2021 1 hour ago, Amanda141 said: yes but it's not that he was married or something. He has been single from 20 to his age now (almost 28) That was my brother...he then met his future wife and they are now 12 years in and three beautiful children later. It’s still far to young to make assumptions of why he hasn’t had a relationship. I was the same - we are both in healthy, happy long term relationship. Neither of us dated around - we found the one and that was it. We were both very focused on career and friends in our early/mid 20’s. 1
cleverusername Posted April 18, 2021 Posted April 18, 2021 2 hours ago, Amanda141 said: I already have a master degree and a stable and satisfying job. I reguarly workout, I have loving family and friends... the only thing that is missing in my life is Love, and unfortunately I get anxious about it as it's something that I really want. I must try to be more chilled about it, definitely The right person with the right attitude will appreciate you for you, anxiousness and all. Any guy who says they don't feel any anxiousness around a woman they like is lying. Just be upfront about it, own it, and he will either understand or he isn't right for you. 3
LivingWaterPlease Posted April 18, 2021 Posted April 18, 2021 12 hours ago, Amanda141 said: Thanks for your message. How did it go with your guy then? Because I’m 100% ok with going slow but even if I like this guy a lot, I don’t understand how: - he is never online on whatsapp (sometimes he doesn’t log in for more than 24 h) - we have been on 5 dates, and in 2 of them we ended up in bed together but apart from kissing and dry humping (with pants on) we didn’t do anything as he said “he wants to wait and can resist because we will have lots of sex in the future” - he wants to spend so much time with his family even if he lives with his mother and his brother is like 100 m away. Last month I had proposed to go out on Friday (it was holiday) but he told me “let’s do saturday as friday I planned smth with my mum” - i dont think he is seeing/texting other girls to be honest, he seems a good and religious guy who focuses on one at a time BUT I feel there is something weird with him, like a secret he is not telling me - when we are together he is super kind and even made some summer plans but during the week he is a ghost having said that, i’ll try not to do anything and wait for him to text. If by tuesday he hasnt said anything, I’ll text him what @d0nnivainsuggested “the weather is supposed to be great on X., do u wanna check Y together?” You probably can't figure him out. If you really want him, I advise you to wait and let him make the moves for now. It seems to me your guy has been very clear with you about your relationship. The behavior you describe seems to me to indicate he finds you interesting and attractive. I have often read that relationships that begin slowly usually last longer than those that begin like a house afire. I don't know if that's true or not. My guy has been very slow. He is very much a leader. So I let him do what he does best; lead. But, he continues to make progress and I can tell his emotions are growing. I can deal with a slow mover, but if he began to retreat in any way, I'd realize he's just not interested and not pursue him. And by retreat, I don't mean go for a short time without contact. I've been through that and thought he might not be going to call me again. But, he always came back around and things have continued to grow. Also, you stated this guy is religious. I know plenty of religious men who do not want to have sex before marriage. Some of them (perhaps many) end up going ahead before marriage, but religious men often try to hold off on sex. So, just because this guy wants to wait to have sex doesn't mean anything weird. He may want to wait, but at some point he may begin to push for sex. Remember, it's human nature to want what we can't have. If you really want to have sex with him, I'd let him initiate all of the physical, and personally, anyway, I'd try to hold him off. If you do that, I kind of think you'll be on here next time posting you've gotten your wish! But, I'm not encouraging you to have sex with him because my personal belief is that it's best to wait for sex. That's just me, though, and you've indicated you don't want to wait, is why I wrote the above. 2
Acacia98 Posted April 18, 2021 Posted April 18, 2021 I think you've gotten plenty of good advice about what to do regarding your guy. I don't really have anything to add to that. What I do want to suggest is that you make a proactive effort to learn German (something you wrote suggested you were not fluent). It will keep you busy so that you don't spend so much time worrying about your guy. It'll also open doors to new opportunities and friendships, allow you to live a fuller life. 2 1
Soak Posted April 19, 2021 Posted April 19, 2021 (edited) I can't help but think that if he's this hard to pin down now, what will he be like in the future? If you want my unwelcome opinion, I think he has problems with intimacy and even if you entered a r/ship with him, he would never be able to form the emotional bond that you want. Do you want to struggle with this for years, or hit this on the head and move on. Edited April 19, 2021 by Soak 1
Fletch Lives Posted April 19, 2021 Posted April 19, 2021 11 hours ago, LivingWaterPlease said: Also, you stated this guy is religious. I know plenty of religious men who do not want to have sex before marriage. Some of them (perhaps many) end up going ahead before marriage, but religious men often try to hold off on sex. So, just because this guy wants to wait to have sex doesn't mean anything weird. He may want to wait, but at some point he may begin to push for sex. Remember, it's human nature to want what we can't have. Fantastic post. This is correct. Since he wants to wait for marriage for sex, he is nonchalant, there is no rush. He's getting all he wants for now, so he's relaxed. I love it. I wish I could do that. I'm laid back, but not that laid back. Just make sure the sex is great on the wedding night - if not, that's what annulment is for! 1
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