I don't understand him: does he like me or not?

[Wiseman2]

Are you worried he's seeing others because he's too busy too text and seemingly uninterested in sex?

[BaileyB]

44 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

I also think that if he likes me it won't be a single wrong message to make him change his mind about me. What are your thoughts?

No, that won’t drive him away.

[d0nnivain]

Learn to reassure yourself.  If you have better self talk that should diminish your anxiety. 

In Covid it's hard to find distractions but you must.  Read a book.  Exercise.  Call a friend back home.  Clean your house.  Just stop dwelling on him. 

I'm a bit of a planner so a morning text about what are you plans for later today would annoy me.  If you are doing this to follow up with wanna get together later, push the ask farther out without the preface.  Instead I'd say something like "I heard the weather is supposed to be great on [2-3 days from now].  Would you like to check out [outdoor activity] with me?"  Give him some notice especially if he's busy.  

[Lotsgoingon]

The fact that you asking about his interest five weeks in is itself sign of not just a problem, but a major problem and disconnect  between you and him.

I was notoriously fickle and inconsistent in my 20s when I dated people and even I knew I needed to contact someone more than once a week, and I would do so when I was highly interested.

I say pull back and do not count on him. Let him come to you, but don't wait for this, don't do this as a strategy or tactic. Pull away for real.  Go out and date and go out and have fun without him. He is not acting like he's interested. This is not a communication problem or a problem of not liking texting. He could call you on the phone for two minutes and say, "thinking about you." And most guys looking to date seriously would do so. 

Another bad sign is that he is not initiating dates. No excuse. No matter how busy he is. Takes ten minutes to plan a date. 

This is not your insecurities. He's genuinely distant and inconsistent and by lights, not interested. If I'm wrong and he is interested, then he is socially incompetent or emotionally blocked such that dating him will be painful. (Sometimes I was fickle because I wasn't interested. A lot of the time I was fickle because I was socially incompetent, though outwardly you wouldn't immediately figure that out.)

Advice: claim what the heck you want. You don't need to "persuade" him to call more.  The women who saw through my fickleness would either  disappear or they would send me a blunt message (actually a phone call in the old days) asking, "are we seeing each other or not?" 

I'm not a traditional guy in so many ways, but five weeks in, and he's not initiating and planning dates--that's a terrible sign. Dump this guy and move on. 

[Amanda141]

4 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Learn to reassure yourself.  If you have better self talk that should diminish your anxiety. 

In Covid it's hard to find distractions but you must.  Read a book.  Exercise.  Call a friend back home.  Clean your house.  Just stop dwelling on him. 

I'm a bit of a planner so a morning text about what are you plans for later today would annoy me.  If you are doing this to follow up with wanna get together later, push the ask farther out without the preface.  Instead I'd say something like "I heard the weather is supposed to be great on [2-3 days from now].  Would you like to check out [outdoor activity] with me?"  Give him some notice especially if he's busy.  

I love that message! I would wait a few days and see if he comes back to me, but otherwise I think I will text you what you suggested. Let's hope and see!

[Amanda141]

5 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

The fact that you asking about his interest five weeks in is itself sign of not just a problem, but a major problem and disconnect  between you and him.

I was notoriously fickle and inconsistent in my 20s when I dated people and even I knew I needed to contact someone more than once a week, and I would do so when I was highly interested.

I say pull back and do not count on him. Let him come to you, but don't wait for this, don't do this as a strategy or tactic. Pull away for real.  Go out and date and go out and have fun without him. He is not acting like he's interested. This is not a communication problem or a problem of not liking texting. He could call you on the phone for two minutes and say, "thinking about you." And most guys looking to date seriously would do so. 

Another bad sign is that he is not initiating dates. No excuse. No matter how busy he is. Takes ten minutes to plan a date. 

This is not your insecurities. He's genuinely distant and inconsistent and by lights, not interested. If I'm wrong and he is interested, then he is socially incompetent or emotionally blocked such that dating him will be painful. (Sometimes I was fickle because I wasn't interested. A lot of the time I was fickle because I was socially incompetent, though outwardly you wouldn't immediately figure that out.)

Advice: claim what the heck you want. You don't need to "persuade" him to call more.  The women who saw through my fickleness would either  disappear or they would send me a blunt message (actually a phone call in the old days) asking, "are we seeing each other or not?" 

I'm not a traditional guy in so many ways, but five weeks in, and he's not initiating and planning dates--that's a terrible sign. Dump this guy and move on. 

To be completely honest, i don't think he has much experience in the dating world. He is a super traditional guy, who really gives a lot of importance to his family, his work and is rarely online on whatsapp. He had just one serious relationship almost a decade ago, and after that he told me he decided to focus on his sport career-his studies-and then his job. I genuinely think he hasn't had sex in a long time and hasn't really have experience with girls. 

I think he likes me (otherwise I don't think he would have seen me 5 times) BUT wants to go at his pace, slow and go with the flow... I dont know, I hope to see him again and see what happens  

[Amanda141]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you worried he's seeing others because he's too busy too text and seemingly uninterested in sex?

Mmm no, I don’t think he is texting or seeing other girls. However, I do think he doesn’t have a lot of experience in the dating world and that at the moment he priorities his work and his family (like it should be). I’ll leave the ball in his court now and see what happens...

[Lotsgoingon]

Not having a lot of experience does NOT equal not taking initiative. Shy guys, socially withdrawn guys, low-confidence guys--they would show interest because they were having a good time. They might stumble and trip and do it in a goofy way, but they would show more interest in getting together.

Being conservative and traditional doesn't equal being disconnected like this guy. One of my best friends and his gf at the time (now wife) agreed to not have sex, but they dated passionately with tons of enthusiasm and frequent meetings. 

My guess: he is emotionally distant and immature and a hard nut to crack. Either that or he's not that into you. Maybe he likes you but not enough to really be engaged. 

I see a red flag all over this guy and it's waving. If you have to explain that more interest and more frequent meetings are expected, there's a problem and it's not one that is resolved simply by talk. 

Just heads up: the person in your position right now is the one who usually ends up burned and disappointed. You're working hard to figure out and work around his distance. Can you see how strange that is? You're working hard to pretend to be OK with this. You're already in an unequal relationship with a pace controlled by him. At its worse, every time you see him, it's like a gift, because he's so passive. 

 

Edited April 18, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[cleverusername]

It's 5 dates. You owe him nothing and he owes you nothing. If they are interested they always come back. Move on, either he will sink himself or start to swim. 

[ShyViolet]

Oh please don't send that long text... I'm sorry but it's cringey.  Even the other, shorter texts you've suggested are a bit cringey as well.  You have gone on five dates with this guy.  To ask him "where this is going" is just WAY too much.  If you need to chase him so hard, then he's just not that into you.

Honestly, he sounds low interest.  The not wanting to have sex is kind of weird.  Something sounds off about this guy.

[Eternal Sunshine]

You seem to try to make a lot of last-minute spontaneous plans. Even though I am female this would be turn off. I really don't like "Good Morning - lets get together today".  I am a planner and I have already made plans. Ditto for tomorrow. Try to make plans few days in advance. If someone would pester me with "Let's meet today" regularly, I would run for the hills.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Amanda, I've been involved with a guy for seven months who is moving slower than your guy is. If I had posted the situation on here after two months I would have been laughed off the board. But, I REALLY like this guy. So I'm letting him go at his own pace. He has very slowly continued to become more connected with me over time. But, I have intuitively known I can't rush him and it would be a mistake to initiate anything at all with him.

It has been hard to hold back. But I know I have to if I want to ultimately be with this man.

I understand your anxiety with waiting for your guy to be more connected.  

My advice is more to figure out how to handle your anxiety by doing other things. And to realize you're normal! Many of us have been through this type thing. One day it will be over. Either he'll reach out more, or the two of you will move on. Just get through this time by occupying yourself other ways.

Whatever you do, don't pressure him. He let you know that one time he needed to spend time with his family. I would never ask him again until he begins to exhibit more interest in you. It will most likely happen.

[Calmandfocused]

Op I 100% agree with Lots Going On. 
 

I won’t repeat what LGO had said but what I will say Is; If you’re questioning whether the guy is into you, 99% of the time the answer is No. 

In my opinion this man is “Meh” about you. He likes you but he’s not really feeling it. 
 

I don’t think others have mentioned this (sorry if I’ve missed it) but I have never, in my life, known a man not to a least get fruity with a woman he is dating and with whom  he is sharing a bed with! Your description of this is bizarre! 
 

To me this indicates lack of sexual chemistry/ attraction for both of you....Unless he has sexual issue that he’s trying to avoid which is not good news either. 
 

Like others have said; back off, mirror his behaviour and let him come to you. Meanwhile focus your attention and emotional energy elsewhere. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Calmandfocused said:

In my opinion this man is “Meh” about you. He likes you but he’s not really feeling it. 

That's my general read on it as well. 

 

[Amanda141]

1 hour ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

Amanda, I've been involved with a guy for seven months who is moving slower than your guy is. If I had posted the situation on here after two months I would have been laughed off the board. But, I REALLY like this guy. So I'm letting him go at his own pace. He has very slowly continued to become more connected with me over time. But, I have intuitively known I can't rush him and it would be a mistake to initiate anything at all with him.

It has been hard to hold back. But I know I have to if I want to ultimately be with this man.

I understand your anxiety with waiting for your guy to be more connected.  

My advice is more to figure out how to handle your anxiety by doing other things. And to realize you're normal! Many of us have been through this type thing. One day it will be over. Either he'll reach out more, or the two of you will move on. Just get through this time by occupying yourself other ways.

Whatever you do, don't pressure him. He let you know that one time he needed to spend time with his family. I would never ask him again until he begins to exhibit more interest in you. It will most likely happen.

Thanks for your message. How did it go with your guy then? Because I’m 100% ok with going slow but even if I like this guy a lot, I don’t understand how:

- he is never online on whatsapp (sometimes he doesn’t log in for more than 24 h)

- we have been on 5 dates, and in 2 of them we ended up in bed together but apart from kissing and dry humping (with pants on) we didn’t do anything as he said “he wants to wait and can resist because we will have lots of sex in the future”

- he wants to spend so much time with his family even if he lives with his mother and his brother is like 100 m away. Last month I had proposed to go out on Friday (it was holiday) but he told me “let’s do saturday as friday I planned smth with my mum”

- i dont think he is seeing/texting other girls to be honest, he seems a good and religious guy who focuses on one at a time BUT I feel there is something weird with him, like a secret he is not telling me

- when we are together he is super kind and even made some summer plans but during the week he is a ghost

having said that, i’ll try not to do anything and wait for him to text. If by tuesday he hasnt said anything, I’ll text him what @d0nnivainsuggested “the weather is supposed to be great on X., do u wanna check Y together?”

 

[ExpatInItaly]

14 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

i dont think he is seeing/texting other girls to be honest, he seems a good and religious guy who focuses on one at a time BUT I feel there is something weird with him, like a secret he is not telling me

I wouldn't read that far into it yet. You hardly know him. 

Until you can rule out lack of interest, I would not assume much other than that. Time will tell if that's where the problem is. For now, I would not ask him out again. I would not tell him you heard the weather will be nice and so would he like to do XYZ. He declined your recent invitation and has not yet suggested something else. 

You will never know where his true interest lies if you continue prompting him to see you. He knows you'd like to get together. Let him show you if he feels the same. 

[Amanda141]

15 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I wouldn't read that far into it yet. You hardly know him. 

Until you can rule out lack of interest, I would not assume much other than that. Time will tell if that's where the problem is. For now, I would not ask him out again. I would not tell him you heard the weather will be nice and so would he like to do XYZ. He declined your recent invitation and has not yet suggested something else. 

You will never know where his true interest lies if you continue prompting him to see you. He knows you'd like to get together. Let him show you if he feels the same. 

it's hard  do you live in Italy? well I can tell you that I'm 100% the typical Italian girl, very sociable, passionate and full of love to give. He, on the other hand, is German-Serbian and is more shy, discreet and low-key. We have two different backgrounds and cultures so it could be difficult for me to understand him and viceversa. however, I don't wanna give up on him just yet. I wanna see where things go... do you think that if it's tuesday and he still hasn't reached out to me, can I send him a message saying "Ciao bello! How was your week so far?  " ?

[Amanda141]

9 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

The fact that you asking about his interest five weeks in is itself sign of not just a problem, but a major problem and disconnect  between you and him.

I was notoriously fickle and inconsistent in my 20s when I dated people and even I knew I needed to contact someone more than once a week, and I would do so when I was highly interested.

I say pull back and do not count on him. Let him come to you, but don't wait for this, don't do this as a strategy or tactic. Pull away for real.  Go out and date and go out and have fun without him. He is not acting like he's interested. This is not a communication problem or a problem of not liking texting. He could call you on the phone for two minutes and say, "thinking about you." And most guys looking to date seriously would do so. 

Another bad sign is that he is not initiating dates. No excuse. No matter how busy he is. Takes ten minutes to plan a date. 

This is not your insecurities. He's genuinely distant and inconsistent and by lights, not interested. If I'm wrong and he is interested, then he is socially incompetent or emotionally blocked such that dating him will be painful. (Sometimes I was fickle because I wasn't interested. A lot of the time I was fickle because I was socially incompetent, though outwardly you wouldn't immediately figure that out.)

Advice: claim what the heck you want. You don't need to "persuade" him to call more.  The women who saw through my fickleness would either  disappear or they would send me a blunt message (actually a phone call in the old days) asking, "are we seeing each other or not?" 

I'm not a traditional guy in so many ways, but five weeks in, and he's not initiating and planning dates--that's a terrible sign. Dump this guy and move on. 

thanks for sharing your experience. What did you think of the girls who were blunt and asked you "are we seeing each other or not?" how did it usually end? 

[Kir]

The guy doesn't want to have sex. He sends mixed signals. He doesn't put in the effort to make the relationship going forward.

He's either already in a romantic relationship,  interested in another woman, or really not all that much into you.

[Amanda141]

6 minutes ago, Kir said:

The guy doesn't want to have sex. He sends mixed signals. He doesn't put in the effort to make the relationship going forward.

He's either already in a romantic relationship,  interested in another woman, or really not all that much into you.

I know that if a girl wants to wait to have sex everything is okay, but if the guy wants to wait then he must certainly be virgin/small dick/inexperienced/with a sexual disease... so yeah, I know that this double standard is not okay, but usually it's weird that guys don't want to have sex. I can understand (and I am delighted) if they wanna wait a bit, but after 5 dates  i dont know. This guy is a mystery. I'll see how it goes... the thing is that I really like him and I have butterflies in my stomach when I see him  

[ExpatInItaly]

14 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

it's hard  do you live in Italy? well I can tell you that I'm 100% the typical Italian girl, very sociable, passionate and full of love to give. 

Sì, I live in Rome! I am from Canada but have lived in Italy for the past several years. Do you live in Italy as well?

One thing I can tell you about the Italian women I know here is that they don't chase men. They will show interest, yes, but they generally expect men to take the the lead and don't pursure too heavily in the beginning. Male-female "roles" are still fairly traditional, in that sense, if I'm comparing it to the country where I was born and raised.  My Italian female friends aren't likely to keep reminding a guy they exist if he's not taking initiative to maintain her attention. 

I am not sure how much your or his background influences your choices here, if you didn't actually grow up in these countries, though. Try not to ascribe too much significance to that. He might be more reservved because, well, that's his personality. Or it might simply be that his interest level just isn't where yours is. 

[ExpatInItaly]

29 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

Do you think that if it's tuesday and he still hasn't reached out to me, can I send him a message saying "Ciao bello! How was your week so far?  " ?

I forgot to comment on this. 

If he still hasn't reached out by Tuesday, I would not send him anything. I would assume that his interest is too low to maintain contact. He knows you're there, Amanda. If he isn't motivated to get in touch of his own volition, you have your answer. 

[Amanda141]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Sì, I live in Rome! I am from Canada but have lived in Italy for the past several years. Do you live in Italy as well?

One thing I can tell you about the Italian women I know here is that they don't chase men. They will show interest, yes, but they generally expect men to take the the lead and don't pursure too heavily in the beginning. Male-female "roles" are still fairly traditional, in that sense, if I'm comparing it to the country where I was born and raised.  My Italian female friends aren't likely to keep reminding a guy they exist if he's not taking initiative to maintain her attention. 

I am not sure how much your or his background influences your choices here, if you didn't actually grow up in these countries, though. Try not to ascribe too much significance to that. He might be more reservved because, well, that's his personality. Or it might simply be that his interest level just isn't where yours is. 

I was born and raised in Italy but I left my country at 19. Now I am almost 24 and I live in Germany (same city as the boy I am talking about in this topic). I agree and I also "expect men to take the the lead and don't pursure too heavily in the beginning" but then if I am interested I just wanna know if he feels the same. I don't like to play games and I tend to be very spontaneous. You're right, it could also be just his personality or he doesn't like me that much... I am tired of his mixed signals, but I will try to wait a bit, today I will focus on other activities and see how it goes. Hopefully he'll reach out to me today or tomorrow, otherwise I'll think what to do  

Grazie for the advice!  

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, Amanda141 said:

I was born and raised in Italy but I left my country at 19. Now I am almost 24 and I live in Germany

Being in Germany maybe he expects you to date like Germans? I hear it's 50/50 from beginning and not too big on small talk.

Edited April 18, 2021 by Gaeta

[Sun Seeker]

All of my best relationships were the ones where right from the start the level of interest, communication and amount of time wanted to be spent together were a complete match. There was no guessing and wondering if the other person was interested or not.

The ones where it was similar to this, ended up a disaster one way or another. 

He sounds low interest after only a few dates. Surely you want to be with someone who actually wants to be with you as well?