I don't understand him: does he like me or not?

[Amanda141]

Hello guys

I have been dating this guy (I am 23, he is 27) for almost two months now. We have been on 5 amazing dates (holding hands, kissing...), and we live a 35-min drive away.

We still haven't had sex, because he told me he wants to wait to get to know me better and for now he prefers to share some quality time and cuddles. We both said we're not looking for casual flings and eventually the goal would be a relationship (he had just one serious relationship from 18 to 20 years old). He told me he is pretty straightforward so if he doesn't like a girl, he will tell her. 

He is a consultant and therefore he's super busy with work, so we barely text. Anyway, he has said nice things about me, making plans for the summer and saying "I don't understand how you can be single, you're beautiful inside and outside, I like you a lot" etc etc

The problem, apart from barely texting during the week (he rarely logs into whatsapp, sometimes just twice a day) is that he doesn't seem very enthusiastic to meet me. We usually meet once a week, on Saturday. Yesterday I asked him out for today and he replied this morning saying: "Good morning  Sorry for the late answer. I would love to see you too. If you don‘t mind, I would meet my family today as I haven‘t seen them the whole week due to my days in the office until late in the night. Is this okay for you?"

To which I replied "no problem, take your time with your family and relax  " and he saw the message but didn't respond yet. Why didn't he suggest

On the one hand, I know that he doesn't owe me anything, as we have met less than 2 months ago. Of course his priorities are work and family. However, I would also like to know where things are going  I am the most emotional girl you can ever meet and I don't like this limbo situation where I don't know if he is interested or not. Also, it's strange for a guy not wanting to get intimate with a girl after almost two months. We were in bed together but he said that for now he prefers cuddles. He didn't even take his pants off.

He told me he's not dating anyone else (and I believe it), he seems a very sweet, intelligent and sensible guy, but sometimes mysterious too.

I was thinking of sending him the following message tomorrow. What do you think? Is it too much? (for astrology lovers, I am a Cancer and he is Sagittarius xD)

"Hey   I would like to talk a bit... I know you’re busy with work and you wanna see your family, and I totally understand and respect that. However, I really don’t know where things are going. I like you a lot, but I need to know if we are on the same page and if you want to know me more too. I would honestly prefer to talk about this in person, so if you want we could meet today and I could also come to your neighbourhood for a walk. Let me know "

Thanks in advance guys!

 

Amanda  

 

 

 

[BaileyB]

Don’t ask him to ask where things are going by text. This is absolutely a conversation you need to have in person. 

Honestly, I understand your anxiety, because I hate the feeling of uncertainty too. But, things seem to be going great! I would try to just enjoy every stage, every moment... I don’t see anything wrong here. Give it just a little more time and see where this goes. 

Edited April 17, 2021 by BaileyB

[Amanda141]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

Don’t ask him to ask where things are going by text. This is absolutely a conversation you need to have in person. 

Honestly, I understand your anxiety, because I hate the feeling of uncertainty too. But, things seem to be going great! I would try to just enjoy every stage, every moment... I don’t see anything wrong here. Give it just a little more time and see where this goes. 

Thanks for your answer, Bailey! I was just a bit worried (one of my flaws it to overreact ahah) as he didn't suggest anything for tomorrow. We barely text during the week so our only chance to know each other is a date on the weekend. I can understand that he wants to see his family, but why didn't he say anything for tomorrow?

If you were me, what would you text him?

[BaileyB]

Is it close for him to swing by? I would maybe say “I miss seeing you this weekend! Any chance you can swing by on your way home and we can go get some ice cream (or do something else that’s quick?)” You are not too far out on the ledge and the worst he can say is no. 

I know, it has been two months but it’s only been five dates. And, I know that things haven’t progressed to sex, but that’s ok if it’s only been five dates.

It’s still early stages, so it’s obvious why work and his family take priority. Unlike other people who rush right into relationships and try tospend 24/7 together, this man is pacing this relationship and really getting to know you. Good on him! 

The two things that I would watch out for in the next 1-2 months... I would want him to give me a little more time. In that, I mean making some time during the week to text, talk on the phone, or see each other. He does sound heavily invested in work and that could be a problem for relationships. And, I would obviously want things to progress to sex. 

But honestly, you can’t rush this. If it’s going to work out, it will work out. Try to enjoy, not stress! 

Edited April 17, 2021 by BaileyB

[Amanda141]

8 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Is it close for him to swing by? I would maybe say “I miss seeing you this weekend? Any chance you can swing by on your way home and we can go get some ice cream (or do something else that’s quick?)” You are not too far out on the ledge.

I know, it has been two months but it’s only been five dates. And, I know that things haven’t progressed to sex, but that’s ok if it’s only been five dates.

It’s still early stages, so it’s obvious why work and his family take priority. Unlike other people who rush right into relationships and try tospend 24/7 together, this man is pacing this relationship and really getting to know you. Good on him! 

The two things that I would watch out for in the next 2-3 months... I would want him to give me a little more time. In that, I mean making some time during the week to text, talk on the phone, or see each other. He does sound heavily invested in work and that could be a problem for relationships. And, I would obviously want things to progress to sex. 

But honestly, you can’t rush this. If it’s going to work out, it will work out. Try to enjoy, not stress! 

We don't live super close unfortunately  (it's the same city but it's so big that it takes around 30-35 mins by car to go to his place). I agree with what you are saying and of course I prefer someone like him, taking his time, rather than having sex on the second date and then the guys disappears.

I don't wanna be pressuring but at the same time I'm dying to know if he is still interested xD i'll see what to text, or hopefully he will text me first. 

Thanks for your advice  

[d0nnivain]

Do not send that message.  Do not ask if he's interested.  Most of what he's doing shows he's interested.  You may want more intense but that is on you.  What he's doing is not bad.  Let him ramp up slowly, as that seems to be his speed.  You want to go full speed ahead so you need to slow down.  

When you see him talk to him.   In person you can ask if there is a way to fit in more weekday dates.  a 35 minute distance is nothing.   

Never have emotionally laden conversations via text.  Communication is 90%+ non-verbal & you lose all of that by text. 

Just because we have the ability to be connected 24/7 does not mean we have the obligation.   Stop making the mistake too many people make & expecting your brand new SO of only a few weeks / months to act like a long term partner of several years.  

 

[Amanda141]

1 minute ago, d0nnivain said:

Do not send that message.  Do not ask if he's interested.  Most of what he's doing shows he's interested.  You may want more intense but that is on you.  What he's doing is not bad.  Let him ramp up slowly, as that seems to be his speed.  You want to go full speed ahead so you need to slow down.  

When you see him talk to him.   In person you can ask if there is a way to fit in more weekday dates.  a 35 minute distance is nothing.   

Never have emotionally laden conversations via text.  Communication is 90%+ non-verbal & you lose all of that by text. 

Just because we have the ability to be connected 24/7 does not mean we have the obligation.   Stop making the mistake too many people make & expecting your brand new SO of only a few weeks / months to act like a long term partner of several years.  

 

thanks for your message. you're probably right and I cannot expect such commitment after just 5 dates. To be completely honest, I think I am way more invested than he is, but I am also going too fast (daydreaming about him, being sad or happy depending on how things are going with him...). I need to be reassured but I think that this could scare him off. He probably likes me but wants to go slow and put work and family first (as it should be). My concerns born from the fact that we don't text much and that we can only see each other during the weekend (crazy working schedules!). Also, he is from this city and has a life here, while I have just moved here a few months ago and I only have some friends (I don't even speak the language). Plus, being in times of covid and still in lockdown, I tend to overthink and get even more insecure

For example, today I am worried as he hasn't suggested anything for tomorrow and hasn't even responded to my message (see my first post above).

I agree that maybe sending that message is too much, so I was thinking of sending this tomorrow morning:

"Good morning *his name*! Do you have any plans for today?" - is it still too much? if you were me, would you wait for him to contact me first?

My problem is that I have changed country a lot in the past years (due to studying and working) and I was never able to have a stable long-term relationship. This is my biggest desire right now, but sometimes I recognise that I get so anxious about this and I start to rush and be smothering (even unconsciously). 

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

Personally I would wait and not send that message in the morning asking if he has plans. Hang in there and try to engross yourself in your new city or some other pursuits (walk, run, do a workout using a fitness app, draw or whatever).

You have received some great advice above and I’d try to project more confidence and relax. I know it’s not easy.

[BaileyB]

32 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Stop making the mistake too many people make & expecting your brand new SO of only a few weeks / months to act like a long term partner of several years.  

This! 

Yes, I would sit tight and see how this unfolds. I understand your anxiety - try to view it as fun and exciting, rather than uncertain and nerve wracking...

Edited April 17, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

27 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

My concerns born from the fact that we don't text much and that we can only see each other during the weekend (crazy working schedules!).

This would be a concern if you had been dating a year, but it’s only been five dates. 

If you want to send him a text, send a “Hey! It’s finally the weekend!! I hope you have a great day today!!” text. 

But then, don’t bother him. If he replies to say - same to you, what are you doing? You may get a little exchange going. But seriously, find something else to occupy your time. Video chat with your family, clean your house, go for a walk, try a new recipe... 

Edited April 17, 2021 by BaileyB

[Gaeta]

I will add my voice to don't send that text!

Relationships that starts slowly tends to last longer in time. At this point you measure this relationship by the number of dates, not how long it's been. You like him and you're excited you've met him but you need to keep it all under control for now. 

Do you know his schedule? What time he finishes work? what time he goes to bed? Nothing wrong in giving him a call yourself mid-week. Do not make it a long call, put your timer on and make it a 10 mins call to see how he's doing and say good night. 

[ExpatInItaly]

52 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

I was thinking of sending this tomorrow morning:

"Good morning *his name*! Do you have any plans for today?" - is it still too much? if you were me, would you wait for him to contact me first?

I would not send that, no.

You asked him out yesterday. He respectfully declined - but did not offer an alternative. I feel the ball is in his court now to set up the next date. I also would not send the longer text you initially asked about. Those conversations should happen in person. 

I would simply sit tight here and see if takes the initiative to arrange a better time to meet up. 

[Amanda141]

You're all right. Luckily tonight I'm seeing my friends so I'll try not to think about it. For me the problem is the weekend, because having more free time I tend to overthink and analyse every single detail...  

I decided that I will not text him anything tomorrow and try to see if he reaches out to me. However, If he doesn't, do you think that it's necessarily a red flag?  what would you do if it's Monday morning and he still hasn't said anything? Could I wish him a good start into the week or wait for him to do something?

[ExpatInItaly]

How often does he take the initiative and message you first? 

Or do you usually beat him to it?

[Gaeta]

7 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

However, If he doesn't, do you think that it's necessarily a red flag? 

You need to see the relationship as a whole. For some reasons he may slack this weekend but pick up the slack during the week or next weekend. Don't pick up the slack for him, but also  don't judge him on a single event. 

 

[Amanda141]

25 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

How often does he take the initiative and message you first? 

Or do you usually beat him to it?

i'd say 50-50. The only thing that I didn't like  was that yesterday I had sent him a message at 2.30pm asking to meet. He went on whatsapp around 6 and then around 7 without reading or answering my message. I know it's wrong and overreacting but I went a bit nuts and I double-texted him at 9.30pm saying "I don’t wanna insist as I know you had a stressful week, but I’d really like to see you tomorrow  " to which he replied this morning (as soon as he entered whatsapp) saying "sorry for the late answer. I would love to see you too. If you don‘t mind, I would meet my family today as I haven‘t seen them the whole week due to my days in the office until late in the night. Is this okay for you?" 

what do you think his message mean?

[BaileyB]

39 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

Could I wish him a good start into the week or wait for him to do something?

Honestly Amanda, I think it means he is a busy guy and he wants to see his family this weekend. 

Again, if you wanted, you could send a quick text to ask if he enjoyed the weekend. That is a very nice thing to do. Otherwise, the ball is in his court. Let him play!

Edited April 17, 2021 by BaileyB

[Gaeta]

8 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

 I double-texted him at 9.30pm saying "I don’t wanna insist as I know you had a stressful week, but I’d really like to see you tomorrow  "

tsk tsk, don't do that

 

[BaileyB]

What helped me, during these uncertain early days... accepting that I couldn’t actually control the outcome. If it was going to happen, it would happen. But, the more I tried to control it and “make” it happen, the more likely it was that he would walk away... It helped me to calm myself and as I’ve said, take things step by step...to enjoy every experience - even the anxious uncertainty and the excitement.

[Amanda141]

6 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

tsk tsk, don't do that

 

I know, it was too much  but I just felt the need to some reassurance. I decided that I won't text him neither today nor tomorrow. I'll wait for him to reach out to me. i know it was probably better to not double text, but I also think that if he likes me it won't be a single wrong message to make him change his mind about me. What are your thoughts?

[ExpatInItaly]

15 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

yesterday I had sent him a message at 2.30pm asking to meet. He went on whatsapp around 6 and then around 7 without reading or answering my message. I know it's wrong and overreacting but I went a bit nuts and I double-texted him at 9.30pm saying "I don’t wanna insist as I know you had a stressful week, but I’d really like to see you tomorrow  "

Girl, no. 

He had other things going on. Don't be pushy. Let him come to you. And if he doesn't, you will know that it's best to let it go. 

 

[Amanda141]

2 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

What helped me, during these uncertain early days... accepting that I couldn’t actually control the outcome. If it was going to happen, it would happen. But, the more I tried to control it and “make” it happen, the more likely it was that he would walk away... It helped me to calm myself and as I’ve said, take things step by step...to enjoy every experience - even the anxious uncertainty and the excitement.

that's exactly the mistake I always make in my dating life. Trying to force things to happen ASAP and not going with the flow. I constantly need reassurance, but I have to understand that I have to be more secure of myself otherwise I would just scare guys away

[Amanda141]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Girl, no. 

He had other things going on. Don't be pushy. Let him come to you. And if he doesn't, you will know that it's best to let it go. 

 

yeah, that's why I decided that I won't text him again this weekend. I'll see what he does. If by tuesday-wednesday he hasn't still reached out to me, I'll think what to do. But until now I will try to relax. What do u think? 

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, Amanda141 said:

I also think that if he likes me it won't be a single wrong message to make him change his mind about me. What are your thoughts?

You're right, this one time won't make a difference. You know yourself though so you need to have a counter-attack plan. When you feel the need for reassurance instead of texting you go to do XYZ (something you enjoy that keeps you busy). This need for reassurance is temporary, it will pass if you divert your attention toward something else. 

[Amanda141]

13 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

You're right, this one time won't make a difference. You know yourself though so you need to have a counter-attack plan. When you feel the need for reassurance instead of texting you go to do XYZ (something you enjoy that keeps you busy). This need for reassurance is temporary, it will pass if you divert your attention toward something else. 

wise words!! Yesterday it was just one of those times when you are tired from work and feeling lonely. I am also very emotional and things slipped very easily xD thanks for the advice!