What should I do about my situation?

[gatablanca]

22 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

In other words, you are behaving like a girlfriend. He has the benefit of having a girlfriend, a companion. He has introduced you to friends and family. What is his hesitation in calling this a “relationship.” As I’ve said, many people at this stage of life lead very busy lives... they still manage to have relationships. He is enjoying all the benefit of a relationship. 

Again, I think a chat would be very appropriate. I’m fine with things the way they are now, with one exception. I want to “date” you. Nothing else need change, I respect the fact that you are busy and I’m generally happy with how things are now... but I want to know that this means something to you. If not, I chose to find someone else who wants the same things that I want... 

I hate to say it, but he may realize that he doesn’t want to lose you when you tell him that’s a possibility... 

Bailey, you are completely right. I am behaving like a girlfriend, and doing things that I know no other woman would do in my situation. I think i’m going to hold off for now, until I have a clearer head and mind as to what I really want. I know that in this moment, I don’t want a relationship but I know down the road I do, whether it’s with him or not. I like relationships. But I also have to face the fact that he may not want to be in a relationship when I’m ready and I’ll have to decide then. 

Thank you so much Bailey. I appreciate your comments, considering some on here were a little harsh but can’t sugar coat everything  

[ShyViolet]

First you say that you're not looking for a relationship right now, but then you say you "would be heartbroken if this doesn't turn into something more."  You are kind of contradicting yourself.  The first thing you need to do is be honest with yourself.

Guys who really want to be with you don't say that they "don't know what they want."  If he really wanted this to turn into something more, he would be making an effort towards that.  It sounds like he is fine just keeping things casual with you and doesn't want more than that. 

[lana-banana]

If you were sincerely fine with how things are right now, you wouldn't be asking us about it. The thing is, it's okay to want more! It's okay to want a relationship! You do not have to be some breezy sexy boho girl next door rom-com object who's too cool for all the guys who want her. Romance might happen by accident, but commitment doesn't. You're allowed to want something serious.

I tend to give people leeway right now because, hey, COVID, but this guy definitely doesn't look like he wants something more. (Furthermore, if he's going to have a housewarming party, he is clearly not stressed about safety protocols.) At 5 months you should at least be involved in making a couple appetizers or entrees for his party, not wondering whether you'll be invited. It does seem like you're being kept at a distance.

I would usually recommend talking it out in ambiguous situations, and I don't necessarily advise against it here, but it doesn't look like you'll get the results you're hoping for.

[spiderowl]

If you feel this is not going the way you want and that he has got you in a kind of 'holding' pattern where there appears to be no way forward but only backwards, then now is the time to think about what you really want.  If you want this guy as a boyfriend, then you need to make him realise that you are not going to hang around waiting for him to formalise things.

Other posters are right - if the guy cares for you there is no question you would be invited to his house-warming party.  You are an important part of his social life at the very least.  If he does not see fit to invite you, then what does that say about the rank he gives you in his life?  If he does not invite you, then he does not deserve any kind of relationship with you.  

If you want this guy as a proper boyfriend in the future, you are going to have to adjust the balance of power here and set your own terms in the relationship.  So far, you have fitted in with what he wants and convinced yourself that that's what you want too.  But you do want things to change in the future.  Well, they will not change on their own.  This guy will only value you to the extent that he feels you value yourself.  If you are prepared to accept any kind of relationship, even if he does not invite you to an important event, he will not value you.  In order to value you, he has to miss you and he has to realise you will go your own way if he doesn't get his act together.

It doesn't matter what he says he is doing, how busy he is, etc., what matters is the priority he is giving you.  If he chooses to put work before you, then find a boyfriend who can work and be with you.  In order for your friend to value you, you need to become scarce, not always available when he wants to see you.  You are busy too, you have things to do, you have events and friends that do not include him, don't you?  You see where I am going here?  If he loses control of you because you are choosing your own timetable and seeing him for less time than before, he will start to wonder if you are losing interest in him.  He will realise he has to plan carefully to win your time.  He will start to value you more and make more of an effort.  If he does not start to make more of an effort and bring you into his life's circle, then he was never that interested in the first place.

I can tell you that saying no to him a few times (being busy, otherwise unavailable) will immediately up your value to him.  Having a happy social life without him will make him realise he could lose you altogether.  Being there for him every moment that he wants you there and hanging onto his every action whilst wondering if he will bother to include you, is really really devaluing yourself.  You are worth so much more but you don't know how to teach him how much you are worth.  The lesson you are giving him is 'I am so unimportant in your life, I will come and be with you whenever you are free, and I won't even complain if I am not invited to your house-warming party'.  Do you think his dream girl would accept any of that?  No, she would make sure he makes an effort for her.  She wouldn't be at his beck and call.  She would be less predictable and therefore more fascinating.

Of course, there is always a risk that he will drop you because he wasn't that interested in the first place.  But, if that is the case, what have you lost?  You have already spent a lot of time on a vague relationship and your heart is telling you now that it is not enough for you to feel loved and secure.  Another guy will be waiting in the wings to love and value you in the way you really need.

 

Edited April 17, 2021 by spiderowl