What should I do about my situation?

[gatablanca]

Hello everyone! 

This is my first post on here and I am very excited. I’m hoping that some of you can provide some insight because i don’t have that many people in my life that i can turn to about this situation that would be unbiased! 

to start off, i’ve been seeing this guy i’ve known for quite some time for about 5 months. for the most part, it’s pretty good. he’s a busy guy so we see each other once a week. from the start, he told me he wasn’t sure what he wanted which was fine bc i don’t want a relationship *right now* either. of course, i don’t want this to be all for nothing. he just moved into a new place with his sister and he works about 4 coaching jobs, so i get it. it’s a lot for him to balance and a relationship right now would not be ideal. but i will be heartbroken if this doesn’t turn into anything and i’m not sure what to do. i can tell he really likes me and this is the longest he has seen anyone since his last relationship. we talk every single day, all day. i’m the only person he makes time to see every week besides his family.  but i’m just not sure what to do. again, i very very much like this guy. i would hate to end it right now and possibly ruin what could be. 

he’s also having a house warming party at the end of this month and i have no idea how to ask if i’m invited or not. i think i’d be upset if i wasn’t but if you guys feel like i have no reason to, i won’t even bother mentioning it! 

 

thank you so much in advance and i’m looking forward to some feedback

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, gatablanca said:

he told me he wasn’t sure what he wanted which was fine bc i don’t want a relationship *right now* either.  

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately he warned you from the start that this is casual sex and nothing more.

You weren't honest with yourself or him that you were "fine with it", because clearly you are not.

This won't grow into anything. You're making excuses that he's so busy, but the truth is no one is too busy for what's important to them.

Now is a good time to cut your losses. Find someone who's into you and wants what you want.

Next time don't pretend to be "the cool girl" have the confidence to be honest with yourself.

If someone just wants NSA sex and you want a BF/relationship you're not compatible.

[Sun Seeker]

It's been 5 months... are you officially in a relationship? Has he asked you to be his girlfriend? Do you introduce him to people as your boyfriend?

If the answer is no to these questions then you are completely wasting your time with him.

Nobody is too busy to spend time with the person they care about and want to build a future with.

Him telling you at the start he is not sure what he wants is just an excuse to keep things casual between you both, with no commitment. So if you ever bring up the subject he can tell you 'well I told you so at the start' so he doesn't look bad, and it looks like it's your fault for wanting something more.

If you guys are seeing each other casually and sleeping together then that's all it will ever be. If you are not happy with that, better to end things now and find someone who actually wants more.

[trident_2020]

There's usually an imbalance of power in relationships and in this case he's got most of it.

That's bad for you on so many levels the main one being that you want all in and he's treating you like a second class citizen to the point that you don't even know if you're invited to an important event in his life.

This after 5 months? I think you're wasting your time. At the very least keep messaging and meeting other guys don't focus entirely on him.

It's funny that you said you want unbiased advise so you're asking anonymous internet forum people. We're ALL biased, and we're responding to information that is provided by only one of the two parties which is naturally going to be biased as well.

But it's a lot better than nothing

[d0nnivain]

While I have concerns & doubts, I say wait & see.  You knew each other before you started "dating" or whatever you're doing 5 months ago.  I suspect you are invited to the open house but just to confirm, say something along the lines of "what can I bring to the open house?" or "do you want me to come early to help set up?"  You are sort or assuming you are invited & acting accordingly.  It would have been nicer & better if he asked you to come but I suspect he just assumes you know you are invited. 

My husband did this to me around a wedding when we were 1st dating.  We got together in July & pretty soon thereafter he started talking about a wedding in November but never asked me to come.  As the date approached  I got sadder & more annoyed every time he mentioned it.   Finally in late October he noticed my edginess & asked what's wrong.  I told him I didn't want to hear about the wedding anymore.  He was so confused.  He assumed that because we were dating I somehow knew I was his date.  I had been fuming because he hadn't asked. 

At this party see how he acts toward you. If he doesn't make you feel special or doesn't introduce you as his GF, you have a problem on your hands.  He thinks this is causal because that is what you agreed to.  It's not his fault you lied to him & said you were OK with casual or that you caught feelings for him.  At that point, you are going to have to cut your losses.  

Edited April 15, 2021 by d0nnivain

[gatablanca]

19 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

While I have concerns & doubts, I say wait & see.  You knew each other before you started "dating" or whatever you're doing 5 months ago.  I suspect you are invited to the open house but just to confirm, say something along the lines of "what can I bring to the open house?" or "do you want me to come early to help set up?"  You are sort or assuming you are invited & acting accordingly.  It would have been nicer & better if he asked you to come but I suspect he just assumes you know you are invited. 

My husband did this to me around a wedding when we were 1st dating.  We got together in July & pretty soon thereafter he started talking about a wedding in November but never asked me to come.  As the date approached  I got sadder & more annoyed every time he mentioned it.   Finally in late October he noticed my edginess & asked what's wrong.  I told him I didn't want to hear about the wedding anymore.  He was so confused.  He assumed that because we were dating I somehow knew I was his date.  I had been fuming because he hadn't asked. 

At this party see how he acts toward you. If he doesn't make you feel special or doesn't introduce you as his GF, you have a problem on your hands.  He thinks this is causal because that is what you agreed to.  It's not his fault you lied to him & said you were OK with casual or that you caught feelings for him.  At that point, you are going to have to cut your losses.  

But that’s the thing, I am fine with casual for now. I was in a 5 year relationship before this and I am not looking to jump into another one so soon, considering my previous relationship started off terrible but we pushed through all of it. I never lied about being okay with something and now I’m not. Considering it’s been 5 months, I would love for it to turn into something more obviously.
Ill also note that he is not going to introduce me as his girlfriend. Why would he, if I don’t introduce him as my boyfriend nor do I call him that to anyone? I refer to him as the guy Im seeing. We were truly great friends before we started seeing each other, he’s not some random dude I met online. We’ve been friends for about 2 years now and only recently as of 5 months did it progress into something more. If I didn’t actually like him, I would’ve cut this off many months ago.

[d0nnivain]

1 minute ago, gatablanca said:

But that’s the thing, I am fine with casual for now. I was in a 5 year relationship before this and I am not looking to jump into another one so soon, considering my previous relationship started off terrible but we pushed through all of it. I never lied about being okay with something and now I’m not. Considering it’s been 5 months, I would love for it to turn into something more obviously.

Well until you are ready to say you are ready to turn it into something more just go with the flow.  What else is there?  You can't very well say to him while I don't want to be your GF now I might want that in the future.   

If you aren't asking to deepen the relationship what exactly do you want?  You aren't explaining it well on here. Since you seem to be all over the place it's unfair for you to expect this guy to know what you want from him.  

[gatablanca]

6 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Well until you are ready to say you are ready to turn it into something more just go with the flow.  What else is there?  You can't very well say to him while I don't want to be your GF now I might want that in the future.   

If you aren't asking to deepen the relationship what exactly do you want?  You aren't explaining it well on here. Since you seem to be all over the place it's unfair for you to expect this guy to know what you want from him.  

I guess I was posting on here to see if others have been in a similar situation or not. Of course every situation is unique and not every single person is the same, I completely get that. Although I like him very much, I’m worried about the future and not sure if it’s best to just take it a day a time. Sorry if I’m all over the place, but trust me I do appreciate the advice very much! 

[d0nnivain]

4 minutes ago, gatablanca said:

 I’m worried about the future and not sure if it’s best to just take it a day a time. 

What are you worried about?  What's wrong with taking it a day at a time if you aren't ready to go from casual to relationship?   N.B. that transition can be tough.  I did it but it's not easy because you have to change the rules.  

[BaileyB]

45 minutes ago, gatablanca said:

But that’s the thing, I am fine with casual for now.

 

45 minutes ago, gatablanca said:

Considering it’s been 5 months, I would love for it to turn into something more obviously.

You are not really fine with a casual relationship though... perhaps you were when this started, but you clearly want more now. 

At five months, you want to be invited to his housewarming party and you want to be his girlfriend. 

I say, it’s time to have a chat. While, you were fine with casual when this started, it’s been five months and you are wondering where things are at? Does he still want to keep it casual, or is there any chance that he wants to take this further? It’s absolutely fair to check in after five months and see where things stand.

You just have to be prepared for him to say he wants to keep it casual. That’s what he has previously told you, when you agreed to have sex with him on a casual basis. IF he doesn’t want more, DON’T hang around hoping that he will change his mind. That seems to be exactly what you are doing right now, and considering that you “would love for it to turn into something more obviously” and “I will be heartbroken if this doesn’t turn into anything” it’s just going to be painful for you. 

Edited April 15, 2021 by BaileyB

[gatablanca]

8 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

 

You are not really fine with casual though... and that’s ok. I wouldn’t be either. 

At five months, you want to be invited to his housewarming party and you want to be his girlfriend. 

I say, it’s time to have a chat. While, you were fine with casual when this started, it’s been five months and you are wondering where things are at? Does he still want to keep it casual, or is there any chance that he wants to take this further? It’s absolutely fair to check in after five months and see where things stand. 

You just have to be prepared for him to say he wants to keep it casual. That’s what he has previously told you, when you agreed to have sex with him on a casual basis. IF he doesn’t want more, DON’T hang around hoping that he will change his mind. Considering that you “would love for it to turn into something more obviously” it’s just going to be painful for you. 

I am fine with casual, FOR NOW as long as it doesn’t all just be for nothing. I guess no one can guarantee that because who can really tell the future. We’ve had a conversation already and that’s what he said. He has 4 jobs, just moved, had to deal with a lot of financial issues. I’m sure it sounds like a bunch of excuses lol but I’ve witnessed all of this and he doesn’t handle stress well. That’s why, I’m not sure how much time I should give it before I revisit the conversation. I definitely can not wait a whole year of this. By then he should know and I would want it to be more by then. I don’t expect to be introduced as his girlfriend now though. I feel so stuck  and definitely not ready to face whatever heartbreak I may face. Do you truly believe it may not change from casual to serious? 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

2 hours ago, gatablanca said:

Hello everyone! 

This is my first post on here and I am very excited. I’m hoping that some of you can provide some insight because i don’t have that many people in my life that i can turn to about this situation that would be unbiased! 

to start off, i’ve been seeing this guy i’ve known for quite some time for about 5 months. for the most part, it’s pretty good. he’s a busy guy so we see each other once a week. from the start, he told me he wasn’t sure what he wanted which was fine bc i don’t want a relationship *right now* either. of course, i don’t want this to be all for nothing. he just moved into a new place with his sister and he works about 4 coaching jobs, so i get it. it’s a lot for him to balance and a relationship right now would not be ideal. but i will be heartbroken if this doesn’t turn into anything and i’m not sure what to do. i can tell he really likes me and this is the longest he has seen anyone since his last relationship. we talk every single day, all day. i’m the only person he makes time to see every week besides his family.  but i’m just not sure what to do. again, i very very much like this guy. i would hate to end it right now and possibly ruin what could be. 

he’s also having a house warming party at the end of this month and i have no idea how to ask if i’m invited or not. i think i’d be upset if i wasn’t but if you guys feel like i have no reason to, i won’t even bother mentioning it! 

 

thank you so much in advance and i’m looking forward to some feedback

This guy is playing you like a violin.

Only seeing someone one day a week, especially five months in, is a big red flag. The flag can't get any bigger or redder. Unless he's an emergency room physician or in law school, no one is that busy. Trust me, he would make time for his dream girl.

He told you in the beginning "he wasn't sure what he wanted", and you stuck around. That's code for "I know I don't see you as having long-term potential, but we can have fun for right now."

Have you met the sister he moved in with?

Chatting everyday means nothing. Since he's not your official boyfriend, please understand that he is likely chatting with other women. You agreed to casual, so he's entitled to chat up as many women as he wants. When he gets ready to bail (which can happen at any moment), those chats will suddenly dry up like a desert.

You said you don't know if you're invited to his housewarming party. Are you sleeping with him? 

[Sun Seeker]

4 minutes ago, gatablanca said:

I am fine with casual, FOR NOW as long as it doesn’t all just be for nothing. I guess no one can guarantee that because who can really tell the future. We’ve had a conversation already and that’s what he said. He has 4 jobs, just moved, had to deal with a lot of financial issues. I’m sure it sounds like a bunch of excuses lol but I’ve witnessed all of this and he doesn’t handle stress well. That’s why, I’m not sure how much time I should give it before I revisit the conversation. I definitely can not wait a whole year of this. By then he should know and I would want it to be more by then. I don’t expect to be introduced as his girlfriend now though. I feel so stuck  and definitely not ready to face whatever heartbreak I may face. Do you truly believe it may not change from casual to serious? 

Only person you are fooling here is yourself unfortunately. 4 jobs.. just moved.. finance issues.. doesn't handle stress well.... erm.. that is all just excuses, witnessing it or not.

If he was interested in anything serious with you, none of these things would even matter. Fact.

It's been 5 months. Nothing is going to change by the time it gets to 12 months. Why would it? He has things exactly how he wants them. He told you this already.

You are settling big time and completely wasting your time hoping things will somehow magically change.

[gatablanca]

1 minute ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

This guy is playing you like a violin.

Only seeing someone one day a week, especially five months in, is a big red flag. The flag can't get any bigger or redder. Unless he's an emergency room physician or in law school, no one is that busy. Trust me, he would make time for his dream girl.

He told you in the beginning "he wasn't sure what he wanted", and you stuck around. That's code for "I know I don't see you as having long-term potential, but we can have fun for right now."

Have you met the sister he moved in with?

Chatting everyday means nothing. Since he's not your official boyfriend, please understand that he is likely chatting with other women. You agreed to casual, so he's entitled to chat up as many women as he wants. When he gets ready to bail (which can happen at any moment), those chats will suddenly dry up like a desert.

You said you don't know if you're invited to his housewarming party. Are you sleeping with him? 

He is a sports coach and a paraprofessional. He works 4 jobs Monday-Saturday. Some days I see him one a week, some weeks it’s twice. I’ve spent three days in a row there as well. I’m confused as to why him being busy is a big red flag? I work full time and go to school and I only make plans once or twice a week as well. Am I missing something? honestly asking! I’ve met his sister before, yes. She has seen me spend the evening and night there. I’ve also met his father plenty of times before he moved out. We both agreed to be exclusive and we aren’t talking to other people or sleeping around. Again, not sure how that would be possible with both of our schedules? 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

One one hand you're concerned that things will lead nowhere, but on the other hand progressing farther is not possible because of your schedules? Am I understanding this correctly?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, gatablanca said:

We’ve been friends for about 2 years now and only recently as of 5 months did it progress into something more. 

Unfortunately FWB often ends when one person develops feelings and the other is not on that page.

Meeting friends/family and titles are heavily overrated and mean absolutely nothing regarding feelings, future, etc. It is not an indication of anything. These are rom-com myths.

Edited April 15, 2021 by Wiseman2

[GeorgiaPeach1]

6 minutes ago, gatablanca said:

She has seen me spend the evening and night there.

You're treating him like a boyfriend, when he is clearly not. You're setting yourself up for heartbreak. 

[BaileyB]

21 minutes ago, gatablanca said:

FOR NOW as long as it doesn’t all just be for nothing.

Exactly, you are putting in your time now, but you absolutely have the hope and the expectation that it will turn into something more.  

Why would he do more when he has exactly what he wants right now? He’s told you what he wants, it’s far more likely that he’s going to keep this going as long as possible because it’s convenient and clearly benefits him. He has all the benefit of being in a relationship (including sex, I would assume), without actually having to do any of the work.

I’m curious, does he come to you? Spend time at your home? Do the things that you like to do? Or, do you go to him, stay with him, do what he wants to do? 

Unfortunately, I think women do this far too often. We think that if we hang around, if we offer ourselves to these men, they will someday see our value and realize that he can’t live without us. And then, we convince ourselves that if we just wait a little longer, he will come around... 

But some men, are just enjoying the convenience of companionship and sex. 

Again, I say don’t hang around too long waiting for this man to see your value. It will just get harder, it will become more painful, as you will want more as time goes by and then when it eventually ends. 

If you truly were fine with casual, I would say take it day by day... but, I don’t think you are fine with this. You are agreeing to this with the belief that it will not be for nothing. Just, be careful... Don’t wait for too long. 

 

Edited April 15, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

12 minutes ago, gatablanca said:

He is a sports coach and a paraprofessional. He works 4 jobs Monday-Saturday.

Assuming he did want to have a relationship with you, how is this going to work? If he continues to prioritize work, he’s not going to be able to devote the time that is required to a relationship. Not unless he makes a change to his commitments. 

Quote

I work full time and go to school and I only make plans once or twice a week as well.

Many people at this stage of life still have relationships with busy partners they don’t get to see as often as they like. Yes, schedules are busy at this stage of life - work, school, social lives. Even if a man only see each other once or twice a week, it is still possible to have a “girlfriend.”
 

Edited April 15, 2021 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, gatablanca said:

I am fine with casual, FOR NOW

But you don't seem to be. If after your FWB situation he finds a real GF you'll be ok with that? 

Edited April 15, 2021 by Wiseman2

[gatablanca]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Exactly, you are putting in your time now, but you absolutely have the hope and the expectation that it will turn into something more.  

Why would he do more when he has exactly what he wants right now? He’s told you what he wants, it’s far more likely that he’s going to keep this going as long as possible because it’s convenient and clearly benefits him. He has all the benefit of being in a relationship (including sex, I would assume), without actually having to do any of the work.

I’m curious, does he come to you? Spend time at your home? Do the things that you like to do? Or, do you go to him, stay with him, do what he wants to do? 

Unfortunately, I think women do this far too often. We think that if we hang around, if we offer ourselves to these men, they will someday see our value and realize that he can’t live without us. And then, we convince ourselves that if we just wait a little longer, he will come around... 

But some men, are just enjoying the convenience of companionship and sex. 

Again, I say don’t hang around too long waiting for this man to see your value. It will just get harder, it will become more painful, as you will want more as time goes by and then when it eventually ends. 

If you truly were fine with casual, I would say take it day by day... but, I don’t think you are fine with this. You are agreeing to this with the belief that it will not be for nothing. Just, be careful...

 

I unfortunately live at home with my parents and truth be told, I am the one not comfortable bringing him to my place because it’s very crowded, small space and my room is also very small hahah sounds silly but if I had my own place, I know he’d have no issue coming to see me. 

We’ve gone out to eat at places we both like, watch series that I like together and I think it’s a mix of both. It’s not just sex and leaving. I’ve helped him run errands and actually hang out during the day not just at night for sex and sleep overs. But perhaps you’re right and I need to re-evaluate this entire thing on my own

[gatablanca]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Assuming he did want to have a relationship with you, how is this going to work? If he continues to prioritize work, he’s not going to be able to devote the time that is required to a relationship. Not unless he makes a change to his commitments. 

He has his seasons where he’s not as busy and has more time, like the Fall. One of the things that he’s trying to work out now it’s finding a balance for everything, including making time for me and his friends and his family as well. The last 3 weeks have been hectic, of course this isn’t a recent thing, him and I. It goes back months but like I mentioned to someone else who commented, perhaps I need to reevaluate this thing on my own 

[BaileyB]

6 minutes ago, gatablanca said:

We’ve gone out to eat at places we both like, watch series that I like together and I think it’s a mix of both. It’s not just sex and leaving. I’ve helped him run errands and actually hang out during the day not just at night for sex and sleep overs. But perhaps you’re right and I need to re-evaluate this entire thing on my own

In other words, you are behaving like a girlfriend. He has the benefit of having a girlfriend, a companion. He has introduced you to friends and family. What is his hesitation in calling this a “relationship.” As I’ve said, many people at this stage of life lead very busy lives... they still manage to have relationships. He is enjoying all the benefit of a relationship. 

Again, I think a chat would be very appropriate. I’m fine with things the way they are now, with one exception. I want to “date” you. Nothing else need change, I respect the fact that you are busy and I’m generally happy with how things are now... but I want to know that this means something to you. If not, I chose to find someone else who wants the same things that I want... 

I hate to say it, but he may realize that he doesn’t want to lose you when you tell him that’s a possibility... 

Edited April 15, 2021 by BaileyB

[glows]

Just wait and see. You were ok with the set up so think about it for awhile. He may disinterest you automatically anyway in a few weeks when your mind is a bit more settled on what you want. You're at a crossroads at the moment and yearning for something more but not exactly quite there yet. 

Not everything is black and white every second of every situation. 

Sort yourself out first and have a little faith in yourself. You may not find him such a catch in the first place for very long. 

 

[smackie9]

This is what you do....date him for a little while more, and when you know you are ready to be in a relationship you start dating other men. It's never a waste of time, if you just want someone warm in your bed once a week. If you are hoping for more yes it's a waste of time and you are contradicting yourself. You want a relationship soon because you are falling for this guy.