Realized I am a pathological liar. How do I fix this to prevent being alone forever

[abyss1994]

12 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

This isn't enough motivation for you to change. It seems you are only remorseful that your lies backfired.

You also seem to make excuses for it. A lot of them revolving around self-pity and playing the victim.

This ex just got tired of all the lies. It's that simple.

 

I've never gotten caught in a lie, so remorse over that is not what is driving me to want to change. I just hit a point that I realized this is no way to live life and if were I to continue doing this, it would only be a matter of time until I do get caught and really get thrown into a spiral. I honestly do not even know what I was thinking believing I could just keep something like that up forever. And worse is how I believed I could have a healthy relationship with anyone like that. I feel like lying is depriving me of a normal life and I feel like I've lost enough of my youth to it. I've told so many that it got to a point where even I actually believed the garbage I was saying was true. I used to wonder how I got away with it for so long, but realized most people believe what others tell them because normal people who were born with a conscious and some sense of morality don't tell lies for no reason. 

Although I do believe I have a lot of underlying stressors that caused me to start doing it, I don't feel like a victim and honestly feel like the exact opposite. I feel like what I did betraying the trust of innocent women looking for someone to wholeheartedly trust is a borderline criminal act and makes me a the worst kind of predator there is. I don't even know how my morals became so corrupted to even allow me to live with myself doing this. My exes all probably believed I was hiding things from them, but I don't think any believed I was ever outrightly lying to them. It is humiliating to admit this, but I would balance just enough of the truth with lies in order to keep things going as long as I could, but doing this was still exhausting and prevented me from ever getting closer to anyone (probably the best thing for any of the poor women who have crossed paths with me). I am much more resentful of myself and how this happened than I am probably making apparent in words. 

As for the one ex I've been talking to, I've been opening up to her about a lot of this self reflection and took her out to dinner about a week ago. She sporadically reached out to me by chance after this crisis started to return a text I sent her months ago after a death in her family. Feeling like I was drowning in my own life, I quickly started talking to her again and arranged a meeting. I really just took time to tell her how much she meant to me and apologized for anything I have ever done to hurt her (even she seemed surprised I was apologizing so much). Since this was my first time seeing her in a year, I couldn't bring myself to admit the truth yet fearing she would just through her drink at me and leave. Although I was open about my feelings for her and tried to be as sincere as I could under the circumstances. Even when I was dating her I was sincere about how I felt about her and what my goals for the future were. 

It was painful in a lot of ways coming to realize at that dinner how I had someone who was fundamentally so similar to me and who was exactly what I imagined in a parter since I was a child, but lost that thanks to this illness. It almost made it hard to keep my composure as I sat there coming to terms with this. I don't think this person would ever forgive me though and I have no one to blame but myself.

She has been reaching out to me every few days hoping I ask her out again, but I just feel like such a piece of s*** at this point who doesn't even deserve a 1/100 chance to get back with her. I am surprised she even wants anything more to do with me as I probably looked and acted like a train wreck at that dinner. Even if I am truthful about things going forward, I feel like continuing to see her with her believing ANY of the lies I told her previously is just deceiving her even more than I already have. I read about men who get forgiven by their partner for telling ONE lie and even then the trust is forever damaged. I feel delusional even thinking I could get someone back after informing them I've told them more lies than I can even keep track of. This ex was one of the only people that ever treated me nicely in my life and I didn't even know what to do with any of it. I really did (and still do) care about her deeply, but feel like I realized all this too late to salvage anything. It sucks 

Edited April 19, 2021 by abyss1994

[abyss1994]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

How did you deceive her?  By creating a false façade and portraying yourself as someone you were not?  That's what I'm getting from your post, please correct me if I'm wrong.

Tell her the truth, don't run from it.  The sooner the better.  She may already know anyway, or suspect it, so just own it.  If you were to get back together, and it came out later, that would be far worse.

You said she understood the deeper part of you beyond the façade, telling her would be a good place to begin your journey of honesty and integrity and let chips fall where they may.  Withholding such important information will only serve to spiral you down this destructive path, lowering your self-esteem and self-love even further.  It become a vicious cycle.

Learn to TRUST, take the risk, perhaps she will surprise you.

Wishing you all the best on your new journey and hope you are able to find a qualified therapist you can trust who can help you sort all this out.

It takes a strong man to admit to himself his deepest weaknesses such as this and to take the necessary steps to overcome.

Good luck.

 

We have the same profession (though we are at different places with it). We come from almost identical backgrounds, have similar values (though mine were much more pure like her's before I began picking up every self-destructive vice known to mankind short of hard drugs to cope with a decade of high pressure education), and we both want similar things out of life. I met her when we were both students on a dating app and as I usually do, lied about what school I went to, what year of training I was in, and what a lot of my professional interests were. However, I was much more honest about personal matters with her (but still screwed up there occasionally as well). Only after I started dating her did I realize she underwent many of the same challenges I did in life and that I didn't even need to tell those lies in the first place as we were in the same exact place as each other and there was no reason for me to even feel the need to exaggerate anything about myself. If I could go into a time machine and change what I did, I would. But how am I going to admit this to her now? Especially consider how what we broke up over (in her head) was something minor compared to this, I can't imagine any scenario doing this that doesn't result in me (perhaps literally) getting kicked in between my legs. 

Edited April 19, 2021 by abyss1994

[poppyfields]

45 minutes ago, abyss1994 said:

Only after I started dating her did I realize she underwent many of the same challenges I did in life and that I didn't even need to tell those lies in the first place as we were in the same exact place as each other and there was no reason for me to even feel the need to exaggerate anything about myself. If I could go into a time machine and change what I did, I would. But how am I going to admit this to her now? Especially consider how what we broke up over (in her head) was something minor compared to this, I can't imagine any scenario doing this that doesn't result in me (perhaps literally) getting kicked in between my legs. 

Well abyss, it sounds like she cares about you a lot.  So personally I think you should tell her the truth, I know people say no one owes anyone anything, but imo I believe we owe it to people, especially those we care about (and to ourselves) to be truthful even if that truth comes later.

How you admit it is you take her to dinner again, order some wine, and you tell her. Do NOT cry, lol.  And no telling her what a POS you think you are.  None of that.

Simply explain how remorseful you feel, how she did not deserve being deceived, that it wasn't malicious or with the intent to hurt her.  But rather you were in a f*cked up place for a very long time, and most importantly that you are SORRY.

And that you are taking steps to rectify and get mentally healthy, and that you care about her a lot and always have.

It may take her some time to absorb the information, but again you seriously owe her the truth even if it results in her not wanting to get back together because as you said earlier, if you get back together with this hanging over your head, it will only exacerbate your already low self esteem and self-love making you feel like an even bigger POS than you already feel.

Maybe she will surprise and forgive (not forget because that's different) but forgive.  If she does, give her time.  But if the feelings are there (and it sounds like they are), and you vow to NEVER lie to her again, about anything, you can begin rebuilding the trust.

You owe it to YOURSELF to tell her the truth as well for these reasons.

Speaking personally, whenever a man has lied to me, I make it a point at that time to define boundaries and tell him if him he ever lies to me again, we are DONE.  In many ways, my forgiveness has inspired him to be truthful with me going forward.

To many women, one lie is one lie too many and they will dump, but there are women like myself who, when they care about a man, they will strive to understand and define boundaries rather than just a straight dump.

Re the bolded, that's the irony.  You never needed to tell the lies in the first place, she would have loved you regardless.  I think once you learn that, that you can be loved for yourself, you won't need to lie or create different façades, there's no reason to.

 

Edited April 19, 2021 by poppyfields

[abyss1994]

12 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Well abyss, it sounds like she cares about you a lot.  So personally I think you should tell her the truth, I know people say no one owes anyone anything, but imo I believe we owe it to people, especially those we care about (and to ourselves) to be truthful even if that truth comes later.

How you admit it is you take her to dinner again, order some wine, and you tell her. Do NOT cry, lol.  And no telling her what a POS you think you are.  None of that.

Simply explain how remorseful you feel, how she did not deserve being deceived, that it wasn't malicious or with the intent to hurt her.  But rather you were in a f*cked up place for a very long time, and most importantly that you are SORRY.

And that you are taking steps to rectify and get mentally healthy, and that you care about her a lot and always have.

It may take her some time to absorb the information, but again you seriously owe her the truth even if it results in her not wanting to get back together because as you said earlier, if you get back together with this hanging over your head, it will only exacerbate your already low self esteem and self-love making you feel like an even bigger POS than you already feel.

Maybe she will surprise and forgive (not forget because that's different) but forgive.  If she does, give her time.  But if the feelings are there (and it sounds like they are), and you vow to NEVER lie to her again, about anything, you can begin rebuilding the trust.

You owe it to YOURSELF to tell her the truth as well for these reasons.

Speaking personally, whenever a man has lied to me, I make it a point at that time to define boundaries and tell him if him he ever lies to me again, we are DONE.  In many ways, my forgiveness has inspired him to be truthful with me going forward.

To many women, one lie is one lie too many and they will dump, but there are women like myself who, when they care about a man, they will strive to understand and define boundaries rather than just a straight dump.

Re the bolded, that's the irony.  You never needed to tell the lies in the first place, she would have loved you regardless.  I think once you learn that, that you can be loved for yourself, you won't need to lie or create different façades, there's no reason to.

 

I do owe her the truth. Even knowing she will probably never speak to me again and that doing so might very well be the hardest thing I've ever done. However, I am seriously worried that doing so could prevent her from trusting other men for a long time, and I really don't want to do that to her. She would make such an amazing partner to anyone (I was very surprised she hasn't moved on and found someone else yet). But she has had her own issues (medical, academic, basically the same things I had and tried to cover up) in the past and likely has her own self esteem issues. I just don't know if I have the heart to hurt someone like that who I care about. She has a very bright future ahead of her at the moment and I really don't want to inflict pain on her. I may be a lot of things at this point, but I truly don't like making others feel horribly. 

Nonetheless, I am leaning towards telling her, I just want the timing to be right and I need to find a way to say it that is as least traumatic as possible. But at the same time, I met her parents half a dozen times and several other immediate family members and fed this bs to them too. It just all looks so insurmountable, as if I were them after knowing the truth, I would tell her to stay as far away from me as possible. It felt pathetic having her meet my own parents and having to tell them not to talk about me personally in any way and to just direct the conversation to learning more about her. It's like even my parents know I do this, see how self-destructive it is, but for some reason enable me to continue living like this. 

What you bolded is definitely the most ironic part about this and is almost funny in a very pathetic sort of way. We could have helped each other going through the same (very challenging) obstacles in our careers, have grown stronger through understanding our own shortcomings, and in doing so probably could have become inseparable. It was only AFTER I met her in person that I realized how we were basically living the same professional life as one other, but at that point I had already lied and was stuck. [redacted]

Edited April 20, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
soliciting personal contact

[poppyfields]

[redacted]

Good point about not wanting to destroy her faith and trust in men, and that shows you care about her A LOT, and that you're not wanting to serve your own self interests by telling her.

So yeah, tough decision, I still vote for telling her the truth.

 

Edited April 20, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
response to removed content

[abyss1994]

On 4/19/2021 at 1:18 AM, Mrin said:

Ok a few thoughts for you:

1. MAJOR kuddos to you for having the self introspection and courage to tackle this. Seriously dude don't sell yourself short on that. You're only 25ish and a lot of people with the same habits don't have their aha moment until much later on in life or until they are forced to reckon with it due to circumstances outside of their control.

2. This is absolutely worth addressing. You have so much of your life to live. And so much of your romantic life at that. 

3. And this is actually pretty easy to fix. Or at least straightforward. You don't have any existing relationships that you need to go clean up. No awkward conversations that must have happen. You could do it tomorrow or right now - just make a vow that from here on out you will not tell a lie. Make a vow of radical honesty. 

4. And then don't lie anymore. And if you do find yourself lying, clean it up immediately by coming clean. That's one of the biggest challenges when making a change like this - the idea that if you break your vow then it is all over. Back to square one. That's not true. If you break your vow just clean it up and keep moving forward.

5. Lies are pretty easy to spot. It's either true or it's not true. Right? Embellishments on the other hand are harder to spot right? Was that a 12-in fish that you caught or an 8-in fish? Was traffic really that bad? Etc. You can go down the rabbit hole on embellishments so I would suggest just focusing in on lies start out with. 

6. If you make this vow of radical honesty - go tell three people about it. Trust me that helps.

7. I would strongly urge you to not try to re-kindle with the ex simply because when you were trying to make a big change in your life like this it's easier if you can start with a clean slate. 

best of luck!

 

Mrini 

Thank you for your advice. I know the underlying problem is fixable and I wish I had this realization many years ago. I am struggling to come clean with people from my past knowing that doing so will more than likely ruin my credibility with them and permanently change how I am viewed by them forever. No matter what the underlying reasons are, I don't see how anyone would forgive these things unless they have been compulsive liars too at some point in their lives. With regards to your last point, I completely agree that starting with a clean slate is best. However, it is hard not to want to at least try to rekindle things with this ex since I know (given our ages and places in life) that I don't have unlimited time or opportunities to do so. Our youth is short and I don't want to ask myself what could have been had I been stronger. I've been reading post after post on other sites about men in similar (though far less severe) predicaments with deceiving their girlfriends, and the input presented there is far less forgiving than what I've seen here. I just don't know if the best thing I can do is stay out of her life forever and let her find someone who loves her too without the issues I have, or to come clean and hope there is some chance she can miraculously forgive me. At this point, I've already reentered her life and she would be very confused if I just backed off now. It just seems like a total lose-lose. Compared to lying to coworker or an acquaintance, the violation of trust seems to be much more personal with someone you were romantically involved with. For some reason I just couldn't see this before. 

Edited April 20, 2021 by abyss1994

[poppyfields]

4 hours ago, abyss1994 said:

At this point, I've already reentered her life and she would be very confused if I just backed off now. It just seems like a total lose-lose. 

AND very hurt most likely.  There was a reason you reentered her life, I'm sure (hope) it wasn't for just kicks and giggles. 

Coming clean about who you are doesn't have to be a lose-lose.  It's a win because no matter what happens, behaving with honesty and integrity feels good and raises self-esteem, which is the first step toward loving yourself and living your life as a decent human being with integrity.

For her, she gets to know the truth about you, finally.  The truth, no matter what it is, is always better than some façade fake persona you created for godonlyknows what reason.

I don't believe that only those who are pathological liars themselves would forgive.  Lord, if someone is genuinely remorseful and taking steps to resolve their issues, only a very heartless person would not forgive that.

That said, forgiving does not necessarily mean going back.  She can forgive you but still choose to not go back to you.

It's a risk you will just have to take, but no matter where the chips fall, you can move forward knowing you did the right thing and behaved with honesty and integrity.

Edited April 20, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

If telling her in person is uncomfortable, you could write her a thoughtful personalized letter. That would mean a lot versus sending her an e-mail or text.

That way she can let the information marinate in her brain (and heart) and reach out to you when she's ready.

 

 

Edited April 20, 2021 by poppyfields

[abyss1994]

52 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

AND very hurt most likely.  There was a reason you reentered her life, I'm sure (hope) it wasn't for just kicks and giggles. 

Coming clean about who you are doesn't have to be a lose-lose.  It's a win because no matter what happens, behaving with honesty and integrity feels good and raises self-esteem, which is the first step toward loving yourself and living your life as a decent human being with integrity.

For her, she gets to know the truth about you, finally.  The truth, no matter what it is, is always better than some façade fake persona you created for godonlyknows what reason.

I don't believe that only those who are pathological liars themselves would forgive.  Lord, if someone is genuinely remorseful and taking steps to resolve their issues, only a very heartless person would not forgive that.

That said, forgiving does not necessarily mean going back.  She can forgive you but still choose to not go back to you.

It's a risk you will just have to take, but no matter where the chips fall, you can move forward knowing you did the right thing and behaved with honesty and integrity.

It wasn't for kicks and giggles at all. She initiated contact with me for a reason (said it was to thank me for offering condolences for a death in her family that happened literally last summer which I thought was strange). Immediately after seeing her text, I realized she is in a place in life now where I strongly suspect she will find someone else in the near future if I don't do anything. Part of me feels like that isn't even fair to her, but I realized what I had with her almost immediately after we broke up. No surprise that the reason was a lack of communication. She even told me when I saw her last week that despite being a couple, we were never really friends or had that basic level of openness with each other. I could hear the pain in her voice and this was so heartbreaking to hear and I honestly had to hold back tears knowing the exact reason for this, but not even being able to say it. 

While I let her break up with me and saw it coming from a mile away, I facilitated it to some degree my not putting in as much effort knowing that there was no future in our relationship with the lies I told and just feeling completely defeated. Even I could see that clearly, and didn't want to end up in a situation where I was engaged/married to her and she later finds out and really has her life ruined. 

She was so supportive of me (or rather who she thought I was) but I don't even know how to get any of this out to her. It doesn't matter how much I am ready to change, how much I loved her or how much of a future I saw with her. I just imagine her sitting there in shock or slapping me across the face and then storming off. I've heard some of things that women who feel scorned do and while I know this person well, I don't know how she will react to finding out she had been lied to for so long. The angriest I have ever seen her was when I made plans one weekend without telling her in advance (we lived far from each other at the time). I can't even begin to imagine what saying this to her would do. Or even how to begin a conversation that allows me to confess everything. I like the suggestion of writing a letter, but I do believe I need to act like a man and say this to her directly. Especially after lying to her face for so long, if I were in a position like that and received a letter, I would be offended and look at whoever wrote it as being a coward. She is probably expecting to see me this weekend, and I don't know if I should just park my car after dinner and tell her or if I should wait another date before doing it. This is completely uncharted territory in my life to this point. One thing I do know is that there is a 0% chance of this relationship ever going anywhere except where it was before if I don't be honest about everything I've lied about in the past and vow to never deceive her again. And even then I have no idea what foundation I would have left to build on. 

I even tried to say in a very cryptic, indirect way over the weekend while texting her that while I think she is perfect for me and everything I could have asked for in a girlfriend, I don't know if I was ever a good match for her and this made her feel very confused so I quickly rephrased it saying I am just trying to be more open with her and that I still want to build a real connection with her. I just feel so weak at this point and it's eating away at me every day. 

Edited April 20, 2021 by abyss1994

[poppyfields]

I didn't mean to suggest you contacted her for kicks and giggles, I know you didn't, my point was that you chose to reenter her life so now it's on you to follow through all the way so as to not break her heart again.  She sounds lovely, does not deserve that and wouldn't be fair.

If your lies did not involve cheating on her then I can't imagine them to be so egregious that she would throw a drink in your face or kick you in the balls.   You stated you lied about things like your career, where you work, educational background, interests/experiences.

You are not the first person in the world to lie or embellish the facts due to insecurity or shame.

I am not saying it's right, it's certainly NOT, but it's not like you broke VOWS or your commitment, so maybe stop wallowing, imagining the worst possible scenario and give yourself a break.

You're overthinking this imo, and I see a lot of self-loathing, guilt and shame happening within yourself.

The first step towards living a better life and becoming a better human being is forgiving YOURSELF.  

Once you can forgive yourself, and you said you're seeking therapy to help you with that, you can tell her and show her with actions that you've changed, and perhaps become a better man for having experienced it and conquered it, all of which takes strength and perseverance, qualities to be admired.

 

 

 

Edited April 20, 2021 by poppyfields

[abyss1994]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

I didn't mean to suggest you contacted her for kicks and giggles, I know you didn't, my point was that you chose to reenter her life so now it's on you to follow through all the way so as to not break her heart again.  She sounds lovely, does not deserve that and wouldn't be fair.

If your lies did not involve cheating on her then I can't imagine them to be so egregious that she would throw a drink in your face or kick you in the balls.   You stated you lied about things like your career, where you work, educational background, interests/experiences.

You are not the first person in the world to lie or embellish the facts due to insecurity or shame.

I am not saying it's right, it's certainly NOT, but it's not like you broke VOWS or your commitment, so maybe stop wallowing, imagining the worst possible scenario and give yourself a break.

You're overthinking this imo, and I see a lot of self-loathing, guilt and shame happening within yourself.

The first step towards living a better life and becoming a better human being is forgiving YOURSELF.  

Once you can forgive yourself, and you said you're seeking therapy to help you with that, you can tell her and show her with actions that you've changed, and perhaps become a better man for having experienced it and conquered it, all of which takes strength and perseverance, qualities to be admired.

 

 

 

You are right. At this point she is already thinking about me again and has opened herself up emotionally. It would be unfair of me to just disappear now. I have to tell her and start planning out what exactly to say to make the blow as tolerable as possible. She really is such a lovely person and never deserved any of this in the first place. Naturally I am going to feel a lot of self-loathing and shame as I've never had to face the consequences of my lies in the past. I really couldn't see how wrong it was in the past but something has definitely changed over the past few weeks that has made me see that. 

Something else though, this woman has recently gotten a very big break in her career that I narrowly missed out on myself. It was precisely falling short on this that is what made me start reevaluating myself and everything I've done in the past. Actually, come to think of it, the insecurities I feel from this profession and all the years I put in are the very reason I became a pathological liar in the first place. These recent events have put in me in a VERY VERY fragile and vulnerable place emotionally and is making it all the more difficult to fess up knowing that if she wants, she can use what I tell her as a weapon against me to make me feel even worse. I know it's a worse case scenario and might not even be something likely to occur, but it is one of the reasons why this decision is so hard.

I guess I just want to make her feel closer to me again before I tell her. At the same time though, every time I see her from this point on without telling her, I need to continue to perpetuate past lies and in some ways I feel I am only making things worse by doing that. It feels manipulative and I know I need to do this soon. It almost feels like being caught in a spider web and it really is no surprise to me how none of my relationships ever went anywhere considering how being caught in something like that makes it impossible for one to make any meaningful movement forward. 

Edited April 20, 2021 by abyss1994

[kendahke]

On 4/18/2021 at 11:14 PM, abyss1994 said:

I don't know whether to just tell her I am not good enough for her and to stop talking to her completely, or to fess up and tell her the truth and hope (naively) she can somehow manage to forgive being deceived for months when she was in a relationship with me.

That's a hard decision you're going to have to make...

Were I the woman in question, I would be equally hurt by you vaporizing as I would by you coming clean about having lied to me and telling me the reasons why you did it, and are in the process of getting that rats nest of your psyche cleaned out for good--and that it might take a while before you're ready to for any relationship---but I would respect you more for telling the truth, even if I was angry at the previous lying.  I'd lose all respect for you if you vanished because for me, it would be you were grown enough to lie in my face, but you weren't grown enough to stand in my face and tell the truth.

[abyss1994]

57 minutes ago, kendahke said:

That's a hard decision you're going to have to make...

Were I the woman in question, I would be equally hurt by you vaporizing as I would by you coming clean about having lied to me and telling me the reasons why you did it, and are in the process of getting that rats nest of your psyche cleaned out for good--and that it might take a while before you're ready to for any relationship---but I would respect you more for telling the truth, even if I was angry at the previous lying.  I'd lose all respect for you if you vanished because for me, it would be you were grown enough to lie in my face, but you weren't grown enough to stand in my face and tell the truth.

I'm arranging a date with her now for this weekend and I will probably just say it there if I can manage to get it out. I feel so horrible because I can tell she is catching feelings for me again. This literally makes it even worse having to face her with this. 

[Datergirl]

If your ex were me, it would depend on what truth you now want to tell her, personally, for example, I'd rather not know if my ex had cheated.

It seems like you now want to tell her to ease your own feelings, but, what you're doing is pushing those feelings onto her, which is unfair and quite selfish.

 

[abyss1994]

2 hours ago, Datergirl said:

If your ex were me, it would depend on what truth you now want to tell her, personally, for example, I'd rather not know if my ex had cheated.

It seems like you now want to tell her to ease your own feelings, but, what you're doing is pushing those feelings onto her, which is unfair and quite selfish.

 

I didn't mean to be unfair/selfish after all I did to her as I really didn’t think she was going to develop feelings for me again. As much as I love her and want her back, I didn’t expect taking her out to accomplish anything except give her something positive to remember me by as she moves forward in her life (she refused to speak to me over the past year even though I made 3 attempts to reach out with no response and a big part of my decision to see her was to try to make peace). She was really angry at me the last time I saw her before we broke up for something that happened that was not even a tiny fraction as bad as this whole mess. A large part of me thought the only thing I was going to get out of meeting her in the broken, lost state I am in is closure and a couple hours of company. I didn’t think after that date it would have resulted in her continuing to want to see me. Especially since she was noticeably upset at me for much of it and even made a few personally unkind remarks. I wouldn’t have predicted this, but of course that is my luck. Now there is truly no way I can go that doesn’t result in her getting her heart getting ripped in half. I don’t know if I am strong enough especially in the place I am in now to do it myself. Is there someway I can just remain friends with her and back off? I mean of course that is what she said to me when I arranged a meeting with her about two weeks ago (establishing a friendship), but I took it literally and didn’t see what she was really saying and how she was opening herself up to me again. As if my life can’t get any worse than it already is. 

[abyss1994]

On 4/20/2021 at 7:02 PM, kendahke said:

That's a hard decision you're going to have to make...

Were I the woman in question, I would be equally hurt by you vaporizing as I would by you coming clean about having lied to me and telling me the reasons why you did it, and are in the process of getting that rats nest of your psyche cleaned out for good--and that it might take a while before you're ready to for any relationship---but I would respect you more for telling the truth, even if I was angry at the previous lying.  I'd lose all respect for you if you vanished because for me, it would be you were grown enough to lie in my face, but you weren't grown enough to stand in my face and tell the truth.

I saw her earlier today. I brought her flowers and opened up to her truthfully about A LOT of my past and trauma but didn't feel the timing was right to say how most of what she knows about my current life is untrue. We had such a good time and that is part of the reason why this feels so horrible. I just don't know how to do it and I am making this worse for myself continuing to interact with her without being able to get this off my chest. She is going to think I am a complete sociopath who lacks any conscience and I don't even know what I can say to show her how far from the truth that is. She also has a very uncannily close relationship with her parents and has already told them she is seeing me again, which makes me feel even more paranoid, alone, and afraid.   

Edited April 24, 2021 by abyss1994