Realized I am a pathological liar. How do I fix this to prevent being alone forever

[abyss1994]

So this is long story, but I'll try to make it as concise as possible.

After going through a very traumatic experience with my career that has thrown me into a sort of existential crisis, I've been doing a lot of self reflection and looked back at a number of my relationships to this point in my life, among other things.

(I am in my mid twenties for reference).

All of my past relationships have been short (less than 6 months) and when I've asked myself why, I have realized that I have never been truthful with a single woman I have ever dated. 

I come from an affluent, very competitive background where I have never been able to perform at the level I have aspired to. As a result, I have, since the very first dates, embellished and exaggerated most details about myself.

I have lied to women about finer details about my career: where I work, my educational background, and a lot of my interests/experiences. I have kept the main picture accurate and told the truth about some things and as a result have never gotten caught.

I don't even know why I do it. I think I don't like the person who I really am, never thought I was good enough for anyone and have used lying as a sort of survival instinct throughout much of my life, to prevent others from causing me harm.

I am extremely insecure, egotistical, and am not even honest with myself most of the time. I didn't have a lot of relationship experience throughout much of my life until a few years ago.

While I treated my girlfriends as nicely as possible, it's hit me that I have done little more than deceive all of them and then let these relationships all fizzle out since the lies I would tell always prevented me from getting closer to them and taking the relationship further. Of course I would never fess up since I began to care for them and didn't think it was worth the damage that telling them something like this would inflict.

I feel like such a horrible human being and don't feel like I even deserve any sympathy but I see now I am on a fast track to being forever alone and potentially having my reputation ruined in the future if I continue doing this. I was also never faithful to any of them and would see other women since I always expected the relationships to be short lived and not amount to anything.

I have been treated poorly by most people my entire life and subconsciously assumed they were all just doing the same thing to me. I realize they were all genuine with me now and it makes me feel like what I've done makes me not even deserve to live.

I REALLY want to stop but this has become such a conditioned thing I have done since childhood due to a underlying lack of trust I have in others that I don't know where to begin with doing this.

I want to tell some of the women I've dated the truth, but since they are all exes at this point, I don't want to put them through any trauma or to hurt their trust in men in future relationships.

I happened to hear from a few of them by chance over the past few weeks and they have been so supportive of me going through the difficult time I am in (not that they even know any of the REAL details), but I just feel like I don't even deserve any of it because I am so terrible.

I have no one to blame but myself for all this but am curious to know if anyone thinks there is any redemption left for me at this point. 

Edited April 15, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Spacing, Some Grammar

[BaileyB]

It’s the obvious question, have you considered counselling? 

[abyss1994]

29 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

It’s the obvious question, have you considered counselling? 

I have, but at this point I have already caused so much damage and don't know what my prognosis is even with treatment. I do it almost instinctively and while I haven't lied about anything really horrible (being married, a completely different profession, an STI, or anything else that can severely harm them) I am embarrassed to open up about something like this since liars are pretty much the scum of the Earth and even a therapist will look down on you and question your morals. 

I really did care about all these women and I know it's not something I should have ever done. In hindsight had I just told the truth from the beginning, they probably would have still been attracted to me anyway and I could have been in an honest, supportive, and long-lasting relationship with one of them. 

Edited April 15, 2021 by abyss1994

[poppyfields]

39 minutes ago, abyss1994 said:

I have, but at this point I have already caused so much damage and don't know what my prognosis is even with treatment. I do it almost instinctively and while I haven't lied about anything really horrible (being married, a completely different profession, or an STI, or anything else that can severely harm them) I am embarrassed to open up about something like this since liars are pretty much the scum of the Earth and even a therapist will look down on you and question your morals. 

First off, hugs for acknowledging this within yourself and being brave enough to come forward seeking help even if just on an anonymous advice forum.

I am not a shrink but the obvious reason would be low self-esteem and somehow you need to find the root cause of that.  Once you do, it's the first step on the path to enlightenment, happiness and TRUST.

I do think a good psychotherapist could help you, which may be difficult since you don't trust anyone, but consider it a challenge to find a good qualified one and allowing him/her to work with you towards trusting them and allowing them to help you get to the root cause of your severely low self-esteem and overall lack of trust which is why you feel it necessary to lie.

I used to not believe in therapy, until I found a good one and she has helped me a lot through the years - loss of both my parents, long term relationships ending, and well, just LIFE.

You are NOT the scum of the Earth, and no good qualified therapist would ever look down on you and question your morals for being brave enough to reach out and seek help.  I certainly don't and don't envision a good qualified therapist looking down on you either.

Anyway, like I said, I am not a shrink but hope this helped someone.  Good luck.

  

 

Edited April 15, 2021 by poppyfields

[BaileyB]

I think you need to find a really good counsellor. There is a lot to unpack here. 

[abyss1994]

10 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I think you need to find a really good counsellor. There is a lot to unpack here. 

I am leaning towards this option. I wonder though how I am even going to go about fixing this and whether I am even worth any more chances at this point. I feel like I am danger to women now and while I have some idea as to why I did it, it doesn't change the fact that I betrayed the trust of several beautiful people all for my own self interests. My first relationship ever was with someone very toxic and she managed to rip me apart even after thinking I was a much more accomplished person than I actually was. Since then, I have treated subsequent ones as if I was playing a poker game which is the exact opposite of what a relationship should be built on. Although I've finally been able to admit it, I almost feel like it is too late as I've been doing this for so long. I have no close friends either as I keep everyone at arms length since I even fabricate things with them as well and no one aside from myself and my parents even have any clue as to who I really am. A relationship is built on trust and I am probably now the most dishonest person I have ever heard of. The worst part is that most of the women I've dated have tried to restart things in the past saying how good and kind I always treated them compared to other guys and hearing this even over text is like taking a knife directly to my chest since only I know that I am probably the worst person they could have ever dated in the first place. 

Edited April 15, 2021 by abyss1994

[abyss1994]

12 hours ago, poppyfields said:

First off, hugs for acknowledging this within yourself and being brave enough to come forward seeking help even if just on an anonymous advice forum.

I am not a shrink but the obvious reason would be low self-esteem and somehow you need to find the root cause of that.  Once you do, it's the first step on the path to enlightenment, happiness and TRUST.

I do think a good psychotherapist could help you, which may be difficult since you don't trust anyone, but consider it a challenge to find a good qualified one and allowing him/her to work with you towards trusting them and allowing them to help you get to the root cause of your severely low self-esteem and overall lack of trust which is why you feel it necessary to lie.

I used to not believe in therapy, until I found a good one and she has helped me a lot through the years - loss of both my parents, long term relationships ending, and well, just LIFE.

You are NOT the scum of the Earth, and no good qualified therapist would ever look down on you and question your morals for being brave enough to reach out and seek help.  I certainly don't and don't envision a good qualified therapist looking down on you either.

Anyway, like I said, I am not a shrink but hope this helped someone.  Good luck.

  

 

Low self esteem is definitely a part of this. I was bullied in school, by my siblings, and betrayed my many people throughout my life and had super overbearing parents. Lying became a means to make that abuse stop and at least buy me time in some way. I didn't realize that it would turn me into such a screwed up adult and I wish I could have been caught a decade ago in something like this so maybe now I could have had a life that resembles normalcy in some way. I would be so ashamed to open up to someone in person about some of the things I've lied about throughout my life, but if it's the only path to some kind of redemption I would be open to it. Even if I could recover (though most compulsive liars never do) how do I even talk about this in a future relationship? I don't even know how I would tell a future partner about something like this without raising what is perhaps the biggest red flag I can think of short of being a career criminal. Deception and infidelity are the two worst things a man can do to a woman and I feel like I have now done it to such a ridiculous extreme that I deserve to spend the rest of my life with nobody. 

Edited April 15, 2021 by abyss1994

[Wiseman2]

Read up on antisocial personality disorder. Don't use your childhood as an excuse. You know the obvious solution is to see a psychiatrist and therapist.

[abyss1994]

21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Read up on antisocial personality disorder. Don't use your childhood as an excuse. You know the obvious solution is to see a psychiatrist and therapist.

I have. I don't think it is antisocial personality disorder. I feel remorse for what I've done and truly do care about other's rights and feelings (even though my posts probably don't make it look that way) and don't think I've had any issues with conduct aside from lying throughout my life. Most antisocial personality types sound like cruel, violent sociopaths who take pride in causing harm to others. I agree a personality disorder is at the route of whatever allowed this to happen but I have no idea what it could be. Maybe it's a combination of several different ones along with a slew of other psychiatric disorders. 

Edited April 15, 2021 by abyss1994

[abyss1994]

On 4/14/2021 at 11:51 PM, BaileyB said:

I think you need to find a really good counsellor. There is a lot to unpack here. 

What I am curious about more than anything is whether it is even worth it to try? As embarrassing as it is to admit, these habits have become so ingrained into me that I wonder if they are even possible to break. Also thinking about the damage I've already caused in the past makes me wonder if I even deserve a second chance. 

[BaileyB]

1 minute ago, abyss1994 said:

What I am curious about more than anything is whether it is even worth it to try? As embarrassing as it is to admit, these habits have become so ingrained into me that I wonder if they are even possible to break. Also thinking about the damage I've already caused in the past makes me wonder if I even deserve a second chance. 

I personally believe that you deserve a second chance.

As to whether it’s even worth trying - only you know the answer to that. If you are motivated to change and willing to do the work, what do you have to lose? 

[norealusername]

You're still very young. Plenty of time to turn over a new leaf. Get professional help if you can't do it on your own.

[abyss1994]

52 minutes ago, norealusername said:

You're still very young. Plenty of time to turn over a new leaf. Get professional help if you can't do it on your own.

Is this realistically something I can fix on my own? Due to the nature of my job I would rather not see a professional, but if it is the only way I would consider it. 

[norealusername]

2 minutes ago, abyss1994 said:

Is this realistically something I can fix on my own? Due to the nature of my job I would rather not see a professional, but if it is the only way I would consider it. 

I have no idea if you can do it on your own. There's nothing shameful about seeing a professional. You'd probably be surprised how many people have been to some type of counseling.

[Wiseman2]

On 4/15/2021 at 11:24 AM, abyss1994 said:

. Most antisocial personality types sound like cruel, violent sociopaths who take pride in causing harm to others. 

Yes, pathological lying could be a symptom of a multitude of things.

The issue is you enjoy it. It works for you. You're not willing to let go of it.

Once in a while, after a disappoint (where it backfired), you'll probably have a sting of remorse. But that will pass quickly.

 Read "The sociopath nextdoor" . 

All violent criminals are sociopaths but not all sociopaths are violent criminals.

Like shoplifting, driving drunk, gambling etc. it seems like a victimless activity.

In a way, like drinking, gambling etc. it's a self-destructive path. You destroy your own credibility.

 

[abyss1994]

31 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes, pathological lying could be a symptom of a multitude of things.

The issue is you enjoy it. It works for you. You're not willing to let go of it.

Once in a while, after a disappoint (where it backfired), you'll probably have a sting of remorse. But that will pass quickly.

 Read "The sociopath nextdoor" . 

All violent criminals are sociopaths but not all sociopaths are violent criminals.

Like shoplifting, driving drunk, gambling etc. it seems like a victimless activity.

In a way, like drinking, gambling etc. it's a self-destructive path. You destroy your own credibility.

 

This is insightful. I definitely do not enjoy it though but agree it is a extremely self destructive path. I really do want to stop and finally let go of it. A part of me didn't see the extent of which relationships are built on trust and I know I can't be in a relationship that is built around lies. 

[Phallacy]

I don’t believe you.

[Maldives]

Kudos to you acknowledging your own short comings. Mate none of us a perfect and the fact you have acknowledged your own is a huge step In itself. Most people I know don't even know what truth is even when it's staring em right between the eyes. This my friend you may not realise is already a huge huge step. The only advice I would share with you is don't be so hard on yourself I don't know you at all but can see here a person with great insight and depth and intelligence. It's ok none of us a perfect and a lie here and there I'm sure we've all traversed down that road. 

Edited April 18, 2021 by Goodguy05

[kendahke]

On 4/14/2021 at 8:59 PM, abyss1994 said:

I don't even know why I do it.

this is what you need to get to the bottom of...  you may need professional help to pull that out by the root. It would be a wise investment in your future.

[abyss1994]

1 hour ago, kendahke said:

this is what you need to get to the bottom of...  you may need professional help to pull that out by the root. It would be a wise investment in your future.

I've been doing a lot of self reflection over the past few weeks, and think I understand the route of why I did it (am actively looking at therapists who can help with this now). It became a conditioned thing I started doing almost reflexively without even thinking about and stems from a combination of self-hate and insecurity. I know it's horrible, but as hard as it is to probably believe me saying this, I really didn't do it with malicious intent. Most especially in the context of my romantic relationships.

I truly want one of my exes back who I thought really understood me (the deeper part of me beyond the facade I would put up) and who has hinted of wanting to give things another chance. But if I told her that most of what she thinks she knows about me is a lie, I am almost certain she would never speak to me again. I don't know whether to just tell her I am not good enough for her and to stop talking to her completely, or to fess up and tell her the truth and hope (naively) she can somehow manage to forgive being deceived for months when she was in a relationship with me. At this point she knows I am doing a lot of introspection and trying to make changes in my life, but she doesn't know that this is one of things I am trying to fix. I really feel like I may have dug myself into a hole with this I can't possibly climb out of. 

Edited April 19, 2021 by abyss1994

[Mrin]

Ok a few thoughts for you:

1. MAJOR kuddos to you for having the self introspection and courage to tackle this. Seriously dude don't sell yourself short on that. You're only 25ish and a lot of people with the same habits don't have their aha moment until much later on in life or until they are forced to reckon with it due to circumstances outside of their control.

2. This is absolutely worth addressing. You have so much of your life to live. And so much of your romantic life at that. 

3. And this is actually pretty easy to fix. Or at least straightforward. You don't have any existing relationships that you need to go clean up. No awkward conversations that must have happen. You could do it tomorrow or right now - just make a vow that from here on out you will not tell a lie. Make a vow of radical honesty. 

4. And then don't lie anymore. And if you do find yourself lying, clean it up immediately by coming clean. That's one of the biggest challenges when making a change like this - the idea that if you break your vow then it is all over. Back to square one. That's not true. If you break your vow just clean it up and keep moving forward.

5. Lies are pretty easy to spot. It's either true or it's not true. Right? Embellishments on the other hand are harder to spot right? Was that a 12-in fish that you caught or an 8-in fish? Was traffic really that bad? Etc. You can go down the rabbit hole on embellishments so I would suggest just focusing in on lies start out with. 

6. If you make this vow of radical honesty - go tell three people about it. Trust me that helps.

7. I would strongly urge you to not try to re-kindle with the ex simply because when you were trying to make a big change in your life like this it's easier if you can start with a clean slate. 

best of luck!

 

Mrin

Edited April 20, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[Fletch Lives]

You would be a great candidate for counseling. The first steps to changing are realizing you have a problem, and the willingness to work on it - you have both, that's great.

Some people don't know they have a problem and/or are resistant to change - many of these people can't be helped, sadly.

 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, abyss1994 said:

I truly want one of my exes back 

This isn't enough motivation for you to change. It seems you are only remorseful that your lies backfired.

You also seem to make excuses for it. A lot of them revolving around self-pity and playing the victim.

This ex just got tired of all the lies. It's that simple.

 

[poppyfields]

17 hours ago, abyss1994 said:

I truly want one of my exes back who I thought really understood me (the deeper part of me beyond the facade I would put up) and who has hinted of wanting to give things another chance. But if I told her that most of what she thinks she knows about me is a lie, I am almost certain she would never speak to me again. I don't know whether to just tell her I am not good enough for her and to stop talking to her completely, or to fess up and tell her the truth and hope (naively) she can somehow manage to forgive being deceived for months when she was in a relationship with me. At this point she knows I am doing a lot of introspection and trying to make changes in my life, but she doesn't know that this is one of things I am trying to fix. I really feel like I may have dug myself into a hole with this I can't possibly climb out of. 

How did you deceive her?  By creating a false façade and portraying yourself as someone you were not?  That's what I'm getting from your post, please correct me if I'm wrong.

Tell her the truth, don't run from it.  The sooner the better.  She may already know anyway, or suspect it, so just own it.  If you were to get back together, and it came out later, that would be far worse.

You said she understood the deeper part of you beyond the façade, telling her would be a good place to begin your journey of honesty and integrity and let chips fall where they may.  Withholding such important information will only serve to spiral you down this destructive path, lowering your self-esteem and self-love even further.  It become a vicious cycle.

Learn to TRUST, take the risk, perhaps she will surprise you.

Wishing you all the best on your new journey and hope you are able to find a qualified therapist you can trust who can help you sort all this out.

It takes a strong man to admit to himself his deepest weaknesses such as this and to take the necessary steps to overcome.

Good luck.

 

Edited April 19, 2021 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately a lot of bad habits are simply placed in the 'character flaw' basket. However very often they're symptomatic of something else going on. This is the place for you to start. You don't need hours lying on a couch in analysis. However a good therapist could help sift out what's really going on.