Soak Posted April 16, 2021 Posted April 16, 2021 8 hours ago, glows said: Maybe it's also good to avoid lame people in general This is the thing. How do you know they are "lame" from the start? To the OP: I get that you are frustrated, but the best thing you can do is process that frustration yourself... Nobody else should be responsible for it (aka potential dates). You have some great suggestions here!
jspice Posted April 16, 2021 Posted April 16, 2021 21 hours ago, Redguitar35 said: Back before everyone had to wear surgical masks on their masks on their faces all the time. Those days are long gone and they ain't coming back. Your generation had it easy. What are you talking about? We’ve been wearing masks for a year 1
Author Redguitar35 Posted April 16, 2021 Author Posted April 16, 2021 2 minutes ago, jspice said: What are you talking about? We’ve been wearing masks for a year That guy was talking about some woman he approached in public 20 years ago. Before the pandemic. Now we're having to wear face masks in public for the next 50 years, and people are acting like approaching some woman in public is a piece of cake now. Singles today have it worse than any generation in history.
dramafreezone Posted April 16, 2021 Posted April 16, 2021 (edited) 6 hours ago, Redguitar35 said: I honestly don't believe any of that. We have all seen plenty of women who are in relationships with guys who are overweight, don't take showers, and have no education beyond a high school diploma. And then they get online and ask for advice about how to save their relationships with these men. Dating success is all about luck, or at least in my case bad luck. So here's a simple question buddy? Why should any woman date you? If you think you're getting a raw deal, that the game is rigged against you, you must have some reason for that. What is it that you bring to the table that is so much more valuable than these overweight, smelly, dumb guys you despise? It seems like you harbor an extreme resentment for women, bordering on hate. Edited April 16, 2021 by dramafreezone 2
jspice Posted April 16, 2021 Posted April 16, 2021 3 minutes ago, Redguitar35 said: That guy was talking about some woman he approached in public 20 years ago. Before the pandemic. Now we're having to wear face masks in public for the next 50 years, and people are acting like approaching some woman in public is a piece of cake now. Singles today have it worse than any generation in history. What was your excuse before covid? 3
BrianK Posted April 16, 2021 Posted April 16, 2021 Online dating has been dead since the holidays and hasn't recovered. I have never seen it this bad before
SaraSays Posted April 16, 2021 Posted April 16, 2021 10 hours ago, Redguitar35 said: How would you feel if you nursed your girlfriend through depressive episodes, took her to the airport, took her shopping, out to dinner, etc., etc. Only to get dumped right before Xmas. And then have it rubbed in your face when you find she got herself a new man who is "love at first sight."? How could you not be stung by that experience? Those acts are the equivalent of wearing a shirt to an interview - they're some of the minimum things to do, to show care for a partner. They are not extraordinary things to do. A decent partner does those things, and many more besides. A person meets me for an interview, and I can see they're clean and tidy, and have dressed appropriately. They are not entitled to a job as a result of wearing a shirt. We are not entitled to a relationship with someone based on doing things decent people usually do. It doesn't matter when the dumping occurs. I know people who lost their jobs just before Xmas. I know someone who died within 6 weeks of a tumour prognosis after going to the hospital with a headache and seeking painkillers. I know someone who was dumped on their birthday. I know someone who realised they were dumped, because the person blocked her and disappeared, and the person I know eventually heard from others who knew him that he's out enjoying life and fine in general. I know loads of people who heard "I love you", "you mean the world to me", "can't wait for (thing in the future)" and so on the day before, or the day, they were dumped. Nothing extraordinary happened, however painful you may have found it to be. There is no right time to dump someone, and it's certainly better to finish something before Christmas, than to put on a masquerade of love over Xmas. From your own posts, she hasn't rubbed your face in it, and doesn't seek any contact with you at all. You are obsessing over her social media posts, which must be taken with a pinch of salt, because all social media is smoke and mirrors. The person torturing you is you. 4
Wiseman2 Posted April 16, 2021 Posted April 16, 2021 11 hours ago, Versacehottie said: I would be able to tell that you are at the moment in a negative headspace and very bitter. Agree. You know, an evaluation from a physician for the moods, anger, hopelessness, ruminating,etc could significantly help you. So would ongoing support from a qualified therapist. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy focuses on these types of cognitive distortions self-defeating thoughts and behaviors and helps you replace that with more positive thoughts and actions. 2
Negotaurus Posted April 16, 2021 Posted April 16, 2021 So if we all agree that you are a helpless victim, will that help you? Is that why you're here? 6
Gaeta Posted April 16, 2021 Posted April 16, 2021 11 hours ago, Redguitar35 said: How would you feel if you nursed your girlfriend through depressive episodes, took her to the airport, took her shopping, out to dinner, etc., etc. Only to get dumped right before Xmas. And then have it rubbed in your face when you find she got herself a new man who is "love at first sight."? How could you not be stung by that experience? Are you talking about the woman that treated you like dirt and you kept coming back for more?
SumGuy Posted April 16, 2021 Posted April 16, 2021 On 4/14/2021 at 10:17 PM, Redguitar35 said: And they all use the same excuse when they cancel as well. "I'm sorry, my shift changed." Yeah, right! My hours haven't changed in 11 years. Man lucky you, and a decent employer to boot. Everyone I know still in the schedule situation is lucky if they are even told clearly when they are supposed to work, let alone things shifting around all the time, always the can you come in early or stay late...doesn't even matter if you put in for time off. You only know if it is an excuse if there is no rescheduling.
SumGuy Posted April 16, 2021 Posted April 16, 2021 On 4/14/2021 at 10:43 PM, Redguitar35 said: After you hear it from the first person, it seems reasonable. After 3 or 4 people in a row, it's obviously just a card people draw. ...or it's the working reality for most people. I seriously know no one who has not had shifting hours, hourly or salaried, for 11 years in a row. You are very lucky in that regard.
SaraSays Posted April 16, 2021 Posted April 16, 2021 1 minute ago, SumGuy said: You only know if it is an excuse if there is no rescheduling. Disagree, and would discourage any projecting onto a stranger about what their intentions may be. There are a spectrum of possibilities, and we'll never know which applied. The reaction to the change of plans has a big impact on how everyone perceives the other party to be. A friend just asked me to change our plan next week, and I changed a plan with someone yesterday because of the weather. In either situation, if the reaction to the request was confrontational, defensive, combative, accusatory, desperate, bargaining, manipulative, needy, it's hard to imagine either party looking forward to seeing the other person. When we're bright and breezy about incidental things, it makes for a more pleasant life, I'd say.
Versacehottie Posted April 16, 2021 Posted April 16, 2021 13 hours ago, Redguitar35 said: I was in one relationship that lasted six months about three years ago, and then got dumped very abruptly, two weeks before Christmas. I find out she's engaged to the man of her dreams and she blogs about how it was love at first sight. After I put a crap load of effort into that relationship. How would you feel if you nursed your girlfriend through depressive episodes, took her to the airport, took her shopping, out to dinner, etc., etc. Only to get dumped right before Xmas. And then have it rubbed in your face when you find she got herself a new man who is "love at first sight."? How could you not be stung by that experience? I suppose getting dumped was all my fault for actually caring about her, right? And then I try my luck again, and nobody thinks I'm worth the time to actually meet. And I hear you saying that's all my fault too. If I actually had positive experiences I would start to feel more optimistic. But instead I keep meeting people who act like jerks. I'm not talking about fault. I'm talking about what you can do to make yourself suitable or optimal (you) dating material. And this ain't it. You can hang onto this stuff and ruin all your future chances or you can move on. One if a self-sabotage path and the other is a good/growth path. It's obvious which one is the best one to take. Personally, you sound depressed to me. I think you would do well to treat that either before or simultaneous to trying to date. Good luck 2
Gaeta Posted April 16, 2021 Posted April 16, 2021 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: Are you talking about the woman that treated you like dirt and you kept coming back for more? Ooopps! Sorry I had you mixed up with another male poster.
SumGuy Posted April 16, 2021 Posted April 16, 2021 2 minutes ago, SaraSays said: Disagree, and would discourage any projecting onto a stranger about what their intentions may be. There are a spectrum of possibilities, and we'll never know which applied. The reaction to the change of plans has a big impact on how everyone perceives the other party to be. A friend just asked me to change our plan next week, and I changed a plan with someone yesterday because of the weather. In either situation, if the reaction to the request was confrontational, defensive, combative, accusatory, desperate, bargaining, manipulative, needy, it's hard to imagine either party looking forward to seeing the other person. When we're bright and breezy about incidental things, it makes for a more pleasant life, I'd say. Completely agree...very much so on the reaction, how people take "no" is a very good indication of their nature. Hoping doing the opposite of projecting, not so much intentions as interest combined with predictability in life. Trying to say the mere fact someone has to cancel because of a schedule change (a not uncommon occurrence for many people) should not be used to make conclusions in and of itself. And if some judgmental, miffed tone comes through when told about the change, you pretty much kill any chance of getting a reschedule in my view. 1
Miss Peach Posted April 16, 2021 Posted April 16, 2021 I just ended a relationship a few months ago and am currently juggling 3-4 men at a time. I've also cut several off already. I would suggest changing what you're doing if it's not working. I've always had a lot of luck attending meetup groups. You'll want the ones meeting in person as online it's too hard to talk to people one on one and build rapport. If you meet a woman you enjoy ask for her number or if she would like dinner/lunch/drink after the event. A lot of these people are OK being out of their house to some degree so are probably more likely to not use the excuse of COVID. They also had some time to interact with you so it's usually a better quality date since you know there is some attraction and basic chemistry. Don't be afraid to approach people in general, start some small talk, etc. Most women think men think like they do so they won't think you mean anything by small talk in lines and such. I had one guy yesterday approach me from the street when I walking on an errand. There are ways outside of OLD to meet people.
normal person Posted April 16, 2021 Posted April 16, 2021 16 hours ago, Redguitar35 said: That guy was talking about some woman he approached in public 20 years ago. Before the pandemic. Now we're having to wear face masks in public for the next 50 years, and people are acting like approaching some woman in public is a piece of cake now. Singles today have it worse than any generation in history. Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't you the poster who until recently wanted to be single for the rest of his life? And now you're upset that the circumstances changed and it's tough for singles who are looking? If so, look, you have to live with the choices you make. If you want to be in a relationship, you have to accept that this is the only person you can be with in exchange for all the benefits. Conversely, if you want to be single, you have the freedom to be with whoever you want but you also have to accept the downsides of that -- one of which is that the current circumstances make it difficult to meet people. You gambled, you lost. Sorry? You weren't complaining that all your friends were married when being single was advantageous for you, it's kind of childish to complain now that it's currently not so nice and long term relationships look more appealing. Anyways, I wouldn't be too upset about it, more and more people are getting vaccinated every day. Before too long you'll be back at it. 2
norealusername Posted April 16, 2021 Posted April 16, 2021 My experiences with online dating have been miserable, maybe worse than yours. I usually got rejected when I asked to meet. If I sent 200 women messages, I'd get 10-15 responses and half of those were just being polite but clearly not interested. Women get inundated with messages and it's just too much competition. Last time I did it, I noticed about 80% or more of the users I messaged were never even logged in, just inactive. I would always give up after 2-3 weeks. If you've tried different pics and tweaking your profile already, then just don't dwell on it and don't spend a lot of time on it. I agree that it's much better to meet in real life at social gatherings or whatever. In real life, women are not all holding out for the guy who doesn't exist.
flitzanu Posted April 16, 2021 Posted April 16, 2021 17 hours ago, Redguitar35 said: I was in one relationship that lasted six months about three years ago, and then got dumped very abruptly, two weeks before Christmas. I find out she's engaged to the man of her dreams and she blogs about how it was love at first sight. After I put a crap load of effort into that relationship. How would you feel if you nursed your girlfriend through depressive episodes, took her to the airport, took her shopping, out to dinner, etc., etc. Only to get dumped right before Xmas. And then have it rubbed in your face when you find she got herself a new man who is "love at first sight."? How could you not be stung by that experience? I suppose getting dumped was all my fault for actually caring about her, right? And then I try my luck again, and nobody thinks I'm worth the time to actually meet. And I hear you saying that's all my fault too. If I actually had positive experiences I would start to feel more optimistic. But instead I keep meeting people who act like jerks. are you expecting that some value is owed to you for being a person's boyfriend? the things you describe are all the things a person should do if they care about someone, and not be expecting Return on Investment. you got dumped abruptly, just like everyone else in the world, and certainly 98% of the people posting on this forum. your story is everyone's story. i've been dumped on xmas, on my birthday, even on halloween. life sucks, getting dumped sucks, none of it is unique. it definitely seems like you don't want advice or opinions on dating, and you just want to yell that everyone is flaky and terrible and that you are worth more than how these girls are treating you...well, be worth more. if you are, then you are going to need to show that to these girls you are chasing online. don't pretend like they should assume your value or something, you do actually have to present yourself as a worthy competitor and suitor. 2
spiderowl Posted April 16, 2021 Posted April 16, 2021 (edited) Online dating is a strange thing. It seems to ebb and flow inexplicably. From a female's point of view, guys seem to approach online dating like a store. Saturday is date night so they go shopping for a date on Wednesday or Thursday. There are people online on other days too! It is natural to get dispirited. It is also worth seeing your doctor to see if you are depressed as that can make everything seem harder and more impossible. If women are agreeing to dates with you, OP, then cancelling later, then something is going amiss between them agreeing and cancelling. The are agreeing to dates so something is good at that time. If they are agreeing but using evasive language like, maybe some time, or maybe when I'm not so busy, then they are not that keen and just being polite. However, one thing about online is that it is easy to turn a guy down. You are not sitting face to face so it is easier to say, not this week or I don't feel we are suited. So, it suggests if women are accepting dates, then you are doing well at that stage. If you pushed too hard against obvious reluctance and they agreed at the time, then it is not surprising they cancelled later. Only you will know if they seemed reluctant when you were trying to set a date. If they happily agreed, then what happened next? She seems interested enough to meet you - this is good! Did you keep in touch with her each day? Did you send a warm, friendly message to show that you had not forgotten her? What is happening when you are setting the date and shortly afterwards? If you are 'giving them space' after setting a date - in other words there is little or no more communication between you - then the women are feeling you don't care/aren't interested enough. By the time the date comes around, they have negative feelings towards you because of that. A guy keeping in touch too much, like several times a day and clearly demanding attention, can seem overwhelming or possessive. A guy not keeping in touch, being remote, can seem uncaring and cold. One has to find a balance. Edited April 16, 2021 by spiderowl 3
princessaurora Posted April 16, 2021 Posted April 16, 2021 Are you telling all these women about how you got dumped before Christmas? I sincerely hope not because that will definitely turn someone off whose practically a stranger. You need to let go of what happened with your ex, because it's left you with so much anger and resentment, it's holding you back. I know what happened was awful. I was in her shoes once. I had a boyfriend, we were exclusive. But I knew he wasn't husband material and happened to meet mine while I was with him. It wasn't because he wasn't attractive enough or smart enough or rich enough. We just weren't compatible and I couldn't just ignore the fact I had met my soulmate. The timing was wrong but what was I supposed to do? Pretend I still wanted to be with him just to spare his feelings? Risk the man I felt so strongly for moving on to someone else because I wouldn't break up with a guy who I knew I didn't love? I'm not proud of what I did and fortunately I got the chance to apologize to him. I don't regret breaking up with him, but I do wish it wouldn't have destroyed him emotionally. I'm sure your ex didn't mean to hurt you.. You just weren't the one. But you can't take this attitude that every girl will do this or you're sabotaging yourself before you even go out on a date. Just like your ex found someone that makes her really happy, so can you. But you have to be open to it and let go of the past. Build your confidence, make yourself as desirable as possible by taking care of your body and mind. Leave the negative attitude behind. Only you have the power to change your situation. So do it.
dramafreezone Posted April 16, 2021 Posted April 16, 2021 8 hours ago, Miss Peach said: I just ended a relationship a few months ago and am currently juggling 3-4 men at a time. I've also cut several off already. I would suggest changing what you're doing if it's not working. I've always had a lot of luck attending meetup groups. You'll want the ones meeting in person as online it's too hard to talk to people one on one and build rapport. If you meet a woman you enjoy ask for her number or if she would like dinner/lunch/drink after the event. A lot of these people are OK being out of their house to some degree so are probably more likely to not use the excuse of COVID. They also had some time to interact with you so it's usually a better quality date since you know there is some attraction and basic chemistry. Don't be afraid to approach people in general, start some small talk, etc. Most women think men think like they do so they won't think you mean anything by small talk in lines and such. I had one guy yesterday approach me from the street when I walking on an errand. There are ways outside of OLD to meet people. I would definitely not approach random women if I were the OP. It's a quick way for someone with an already fragile ego to have it completely shattered. The meetup groups are a great idea and it's what I did after I'd taken a long break from dating. But only men who care little to nothing about the outcome, men who have an abundance mindset should randomly approach. That ain't the OP, he's in extreme scarcity right now and needs to have his confidence built up.
Happy Lemming Posted April 17, 2021 Posted April 17, 2021 15 hours ago, dramafreezone said: I would definitely not approach random women if I were the OP. It's a quick way for someone with an already fragile ego to have it completely shattered. At some point, the OP is going to need to develop "thick skin"... Dating is not for the timid or fragile. 2
glows Posted April 17, 2021 Posted April 17, 2021 The increased activity near the weekends is likely in relation to free time and wanting to have someone for the weekend. There are a lot of individuals who will try to get laid the night of. One message would suffice, I would think, to check in if you're both still available to meet on the day of. The first few times this happened and a date checked in the day before or the same day, I shook my head and looked at the message quizzically because.. well, yes, I did said I would meet you and I obviously checked my schedule before committing to it. Why would I cancel? It quickly dawned on me that a whole lot of people do cancel or don't show up. If a date or a man keeps checking or texting, the lack of confidence or faith would be off-putting.
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