glows Posted April 15, 2021 Posted April 15, 2021 What are you doing before the dates, if you don't mind me asking? Is there a lot of texting? I hope you are not saying something along the lines of, "The last woman, she cancelled. So don't cancel on me last minute, please. They all seem to cancel." ??
Author Redguitar35 Posted April 15, 2021 Author Posted April 15, 2021 (edited) 23 minutes ago, glows said: What are you doing before the dates, if you don't mind me asking? Is there a lot of texting? I hope you are not saying something along the lines of, "The last woman, she cancelled. So don't cancel on me last minute, please. They all seem to cancel." ?? No, I make the date/time/place and then give them space. Then a day or two before we’re supposed to meet I ask if we’re still on. Then I get: “I’m sorry, my shift changed.” Always the same lame excuse. And then if you ask if they wanna reschedule: “I have to check my schedule.” And of course they never get back to you. It’s just hopeless. Edited April 15, 2021 by Redguitar35
ExpatInItaly Posted April 15, 2021 Posted April 15, 2021 I wonder if the massive chip on your shoulder is coming through in your interactions with some of these people. 3 1
Soak Posted April 15, 2021 Posted April 15, 2021 I feel the same way. Honestly, I am so disappointed in love. But, i realised two things: 1. I was not finding out whether they were "available" before having feelings for them. 2. Not finding out their goals before i started fantasizing and getting carried away with my feelings. The dating game can be brutal. I don't know, are you better off giving it up for now and finding things to use your time, such as interests or hobbies? Maybe in the background you can work on your skills, so when you meet somebody who piques your interest, you will have better skills with which to move it forward? This is not a criticism, but a suggestion for how to move forward. I am convinced that dating / seducing skills are just that... skills. I'm not sure how much "luck" is involved anymore. Maybe the luck is in the opportunities, eg, the people you meet. But you must have the skills in order to engage people and try to move things along. Best of luck
Author Redguitar35 Posted April 15, 2021 Author Posted April 15, 2021 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: I wonder if the massive chip on your shoulder is coming through in your interactions with some of these people. You seem to think that my feelings are not valid and that I deserve being dumped and having no luck with dating.
Author Redguitar35 Posted April 15, 2021 Author Posted April 15, 2021 21 minutes ago, Soak said: I feel the same way. Honestly, I am so disappointed in love. But, i realised two things: 1. I was not finding out whether they were "available" before having feelings for them. 2. Not finding out their goals before i started fantasizing and getting carried away with my feelings. The dating game can be brutal. I don't know, are you better off giving it up for now and finding things to use your time, such as interests or hobbies? I did that for a whole year thanks to coronavirus.
lana-banana Posted April 15, 2021 Posted April 15, 2021 7 hours ago, Redguitar35 said: Women don't like to be approached by some stranger in public. I have heard it all before. It's hopeless. DATING IS HOPELESS. ... And now when I try to move on I get no success whatsoever. I'm just not meant to find a good relationship. Nothing I can do about that. I guarantee you everyone you interact with at any length, romantically or otherwise, can sense your attitude. People want to date someone happy and pleasant, with a happy life and a lot to offer. If you can't give someone a reason to date you they're not going to be interested. 6
ExpatInItaly Posted April 15, 2021 Posted April 15, 2021 (edited) 3 hours ago, Redguitar35 said: You seem to think that my feelings are not valid and that I deserve being dumped and having no luck with dating. Nope, not at all. Please don't put words in my mouth. But I do think your self-victimization has a lot to do with your lack of success. You have also in other threads that up until recently you've purposefully avoided dating and only had ONS. Based on all your other threads, you very frequently stand in your own way, much as you try to blame the world around you. Edited April 15, 2021 by ExpatInItaly 1
smackie9 Posted April 15, 2021 Posted April 15, 2021 (edited) negative people have negative lives. read "The Secret" Edited April 15, 2021 by smackie9 3
mark clemson Posted April 15, 2021 Posted April 15, 2021 IMO Step 1 should be to make yourself as attractive as possible. Nice clothes, nice grooming, nice haircut, good nutrition, hit the gym (not too hard, but enough to bulk up a bit). While this is ultimately superficial, it is the first step. It's easier said than done, but IF you can pull this off and appear as an 8/9 guy women will pay more attention to you. You will occasionally find yourself drawn into unnecessary conversations, etc while they "scope you out" a bit, etc. Step 2 - with some practice chatting and sensitivity to the "signals" they send (aka indirect communication) you should eventually be able to start parleying this into dates. They will give off "hints" that they are ok with further communication. That is essentially your permission/cue to ask them to a lunch date (which is a warm up for the real date) or a real date if the conversation was extended. It's all easier said than done, but it should be doable. 5
Gaeta Posted April 15, 2021 Posted April 15, 2021 I think it's important you concentrate on what you can do to change things like @mark clemson is suggesting, and stop playing the victim. You have to put out there a positive energy and integrate humour in your dating life. Being able to laugh at ourselves is a great quality. 2 1
mortensorchid Posted April 15, 2021 Posted April 15, 2021 9 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: I wonder if the massive chip on your shoulder is coming through in your interactions with some of these people. Try not having a chip on your shoulder anymore. I honestly don't know how it is that people get into relationships anymore. The only means we seem to have is using the internet in some way because no one seems to leave the house anymore. People are horrible communicators on top of that. We didn't have a word for it until just recently but now we call it cancel culture - you meet someone in a public place, have an evening, part ways, then ... you never hear a word from that person ever again. Know how many OLDs I have been out on where the guy is so weak or nervous or socially awkward or whatever else that he won't choose the place to meet, doesn't offer to pay, even at the end just walks away and doesn't say goodbye to you? You have to wonder about them, you really do. Do they treat others like this? As in their friends and family, let alone a stranger? There's no reason to be rude or hostile towards others without reasons. But I guess they have no class or courtesy towards others. Once years ago I went into the bookstore at a university and approached the cashier. I said "excuse me" and asked where certain things were kept in the small store. She said to me out of no where "you're so nice, some people just come over and just yell "Hey!" at me." So, I guess that's how people are : narcissistic snobs who don't care about others. 1
glows Posted April 15, 2021 Posted April 15, 2021 (edited) 10 hours ago, Redguitar35 said: No, I make the date/time/place and then give them space. Then a day or two before we’re supposed to meet I ask if we’re still on. Then I get: “I’m sorry, my shift changed.” Always the same lame excuse. And then if you ask if they wanna reschedule: “I have to check my schedule.” And of course they never get back to you. It’s just hopeless. Maybe it's also good to avoid lame people in general. Take a time out from all this and get right with yourself. Surround yourself with better quality people. I'm hesitant to think that the sole reason is you or anything you have said. What I mentioned above was a little tongue in cheek. I think you could be attracting or after individuals who are flaky or not as invested or interested in anything meaningful too. Edited April 15, 2021 by glows
SaraSays Posted April 15, 2021 Posted April 15, 2021 14 hours ago, Redguitar35 said: Back before everyone had to wear surgical masks on their masks on their faces all the time. Those days are long gone and they ain't coming back. Your generation had it easy. I was sat briefly on a bench on the street last weekend, and a man approached me to chat, asking if he could fetch 2 drinks for us from his nearby home and we could chat more.
Author Redguitar35 Posted April 15, 2021 Author Posted April 15, 2021 (edited) 3 hours ago, mark clemson said: IMO Step 1 should be to make yourself as attractive as possible. Nice clothes, nice grooming, nice haircut, good nutrition, hit the gym (not too hard, but enough to bulk up a bit). While this is ultimately superficial, it is the first step. It's easier said than done, but IF you can pull this off and appear as an 8/9 guy women will pay more attention to you. You will occasionally find yourself drawn into unnecessary conversations, etc while they "scope you out" a bit, etc. Step 2 - with some practice chatting and sensitivity to the "signals" they send (aka indirect communication) you should eventually be able to start parleying this into dates. They will give off "hints" that they are ok with further communication. That is essentially your permission/cue to ask them to a lunch date (which is a warm up for the real date) or a real date if the conversation was extended. It's all easier said than done, but it should be doable. I honestly don't believe any of that. We have all seen plenty of women who are in relationships with guys who are overweight, don't take showers, and have no education beyond a high school diploma. And then they get online and ask for advice about how to save their relationships with these men. Dating success is all about luck, or at least in my case bad luck. Edited April 15, 2021 by Redguitar35
SaraSays Posted April 15, 2021 Posted April 15, 2021 7 minutes ago, Redguitar35 said: I honestly don't believe any of that. We have all seen plenty of women who are in relationships with guys who are overweight, don't take showers, and have no education beyond a high school diploma. We haven't, though. Look at the world's population - close to 8 billion, if I am not mistaken. We don't even appear in the background of the pic's of 1% of the population. We end up knowing hardly anyone across our entire lifetimes. Bodies change over the course of a long relationship. People get sick. People struggle with mental health problems. A crisis can change someone's whole outlook. People can fall on hard times, that render them unable to keep the water connected. It doesn't serve you well to reduce complex topics to the above, as if all's well when such things arise, despite it being alarmingly clear that something's wrong that requires external support of some sort.
dramafreezone Posted April 15, 2021 Posted April 15, 2021 17 hours ago, Redguitar35 said: Women don't like to be approached by some stranger in public. I have heard it all before. It's hopeless. DATING IS HOPELESS. I was in one relationship that lasted six months about three years ago, and then got dumped very abruptly, two weeks before Christmas. Then a few months ago I find out she's engaged to the man of her dreams and she blogs about how it was love at first sight. After I put a crap load of effort into that relationship. And now when I try to move on I get no success whatsoever. I'm just not meant to find a good relationship. Nothing I can do about that. I don't think you want answers. Otherwise you wouldn't be pushing back when people are trying to help you out. You're taking no accountability for anything. 4
basil67 Posted April 15, 2021 Posted April 15, 2021 16 hours ago, Redguitar35 said: No, I make the date/time/place and then give them space. Then a day or two before we’re supposed to meet I ask if we’re still on...... How much space are you giving? The young woman in my household who's dating has found a strong connection between a guy not staying in contact prior to the date and then low interest at meeting. So now, the guys who she gives priority to are the ones who keep some contact happening. 1
dramafreezone Posted April 15, 2021 Posted April 15, 2021 2 minutes ago, basil67 said: How much space are you giving? The young woman in my household who's dating has found a strong connection between a guy not staying in contact prior to the date and then low interest at meeting. So now, the guys who she gives priority to are the ones who keep some contact happening. You're trying to microanalyze his techniques, the minutiae, which that's not the issue. He has no self-esteem or confidence at all, and that's what he's communicating to these women. It doesn't matter if you tell him he needs to do to call more, less. He need to fix his defeatist mindset first and foremost. 3
Gaeta Posted April 15, 2021 Posted April 15, 2021 4 hours ago, Redguitar35 said: We have all seen plenty of women who are in relationships with guys who are overweight, don't take showers, and have no education beyond a high school diploma. And have you seen what these women look like.
mark clemson Posted April 15, 2021 Posted April 15, 2021 (edited) 5 hours ago, Redguitar35 said: I honestly don't believe any of that. We have all seen plenty of women who are in relationships with guys who are overweight, don't take showers, and have no education beyond a high school diploma. And then they get online and ask for advice about how to save their relationships with these men. Dating success is all about luck, or at least in my case bad luck. You might not believe it, but that doesn't mean it's wrong. I concede there is some luck involved, but who knows what drew specific women to these slob men you mention. Perhaps these women got a little desperate after an extended dry spell or were looking for "fixer-uppers" (some do). Perhaps they respond to abusers or perceive the slobbiness as confidence/self-assurance (some do). There are all kinds of women in the world, including some who habitually make "bad choices" (there are men like this as well of course). At any rate, if you really think it's mostly "luck" then why aren't you "playing the odds". To play the odds, do the things I suggested - make yourself attractive (as much as possible), work on your social skills (also extremely important) and have a decent job or at least decent career prospects. Don't appear too interested (esp. at first) but be willing to converse, and try to develop an "alpha vibe" but also a soft side "hidden" underneath it or a "suave" personality and look. These things can and do work. You've heard of "players" right? To the extent there is luck involved (and there IS some of that) they have learned the methods for stacking the odds in their favor. They are the (completely real) counter-examples to the couples you mention above where the woman has chosen a "yuck" guy. I knew a guy in college who was a "player" type and picked up women like it was going out of style - he more or less had it down to a science and was going home with a different woman almost every week or two. You should (in theory) be able to emulate them and stack the odds in your favor as well. Edited April 15, 2021 by mark clemson
dramafreezone Posted April 15, 2021 Posted April 15, 2021 3 minutes ago, mark clemson said: To play the odds, do the things I suggested - make yourself attractive (as much as possible), work on your social skills (also extremely important) and have a decent job or at least decent career prospects. Don't appear too interested (esp. at first) but be willing to converse, and try to develop an "alpha vibe" but also a soft side "hidden" underneath it or a "suave" personality and look. These things can and do work. You've heard of "players" right? To the extent there is luck involved (and there IS some of that) they have learned the methods for stacking the odds in their favor. They are the (completely real) counter-examples to the couples you mention above where the woman has chosen a "yuck" guy. You should (in theory) be able to emulate them and stack the odds in your favor as well. Nah, why do that? That actually requires effort, and looking yourself in the mirror and taking accountablity for your outcomes. 2
glows Posted April 15, 2021 Posted April 15, 2021 I'm not sure the issue is so complex. He hasn't met these women for the first date. This reads to me more like they're really flaky or the bar is set very low (not exactly women most men want to meet). I do agree confidence helps so if it means taking a break from these non-matches, don't be afraid to do that, OP.
Versacehottie Posted April 15, 2021 Posted April 15, 2021 I'm just going to be honest since it's feedback that hopefully you will listen to (even though you seem to be using this more as a venting thread than an advice one). If we met on an app, no matter what you wrote in your profile (like that could seem positive and somewhat exciting, hence a match)....after two sentences, maybe less I would be able to tell that you are at the moment in a negative headspace and very bitter. 100% canceling whatever date was promised. Even more so, you seem so bitter, these women are probably scared you are going to freak out on them and start blaming your dating problems overall on them if they are direct with you--that's probably why you are getting excuses. Lastly, some of the flakiness is normal. Stop thinking you are special because you are getting flaked on lol. 4
Author Redguitar35 Posted April 16, 2021 Author Posted April 16, 2021 (edited) 52 minutes ago, Versacehottie said: I'm just going to be honest since it's feedback that hopefully you will listen to (even though you seem to be using this more as a venting thread than an advice one). If we met on an app, no matter what you wrote in your profile (like that could seem positive and somewhat exciting, hence a match)....after two sentences, maybe less I would be able to tell that you are at the moment in a negative headspace and very bitter. 100% canceling whatever date was promised. Even more so, you seem so bitter, these women are probably scared you are going to freak out on them and start blaming your dating problems overall on them if they are direct with you--that's probably why you are getting excuses. Lastly, some of the flakiness is normal. Stop thinking you are special because you are getting flaked on lol. I was in one relationship that lasted six months about three years ago, and then got dumped very abruptly, two weeks before Christmas. I find out she's engaged to the man of her dreams and she blogs about how it was love at first sight. After I put a crap load of effort into that relationship. How would you feel if you nursed your girlfriend through depressive episodes, took her to the airport, took her shopping, out to dinner, etc., etc. Only to get dumped right before Xmas. And then have it rubbed in your face when you find she got herself a new man who is "love at first sight."? How could you not be stung by that experience? I suppose getting dumped was all my fault for actually caring about her, right? And then I try my luck again, and nobody thinks I'm worth the time to actually meet. And I hear you saying that's all my fault too. If I actually had positive experiences I would start to feel more optimistic. But instead I keep meeting people who act like jerks. Edited April 16, 2021 by Redguitar35
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