I live at home with my vulnerable (to covid) mother, me and my boyfriend are supposed to be in a support bubble as he lives alone but he won't stop seeing other people. Should I end the relationship or am I being unreasonable?

[Pony8897]

Me (30F) and boyfriend (40M) have been together for 2 years. I live at home with my mum who had survived cancer and now has a lung condition. My boyfriend lives on his own in his flat and we agreed that I would be a support bubble for him through covid but I explained that I would need him to be very careful what he does an not go around seeing others because of my mum. He said he understood that and promised he wouldn't be doing anything else. 

Since then he has broken this promise many times, resulting in us sometimes not seeing eachother for a week or so even up to 5 weeks at one point. We live about a 10 minute drive apart. He says there is no way he is missing out on doing things like having his dad and brother round to watch football and meeting up with his friend to do a music stream on Facebook. I'm starting to get fed up with coming second to everything. I understand everyone wants to see friends and family but aren't we all in the same boat? Whenever I bring this up, he gets angry and makes me feel like I'm being controlling by asking him not to see people. Or, he apologies, but won't make any changes. He says we can go for a walk or something but I feel that he is not prioritising our relationship. Am I being unreasonable or is he being really disrespectful? I can't think straight about it. 

[d0nnivain]

If your mom is that vulnerable, get her vaccinated.  Then she'll be protected no matter who he sees 

[Pony8897]

She is waiting on her second vaccine. But I'm not sure I should just welcome him back with open arms when that happens  

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Pony8897 said:

resulting in us sometimes not seeing eachother for a week or so even up to 5 weeks at one point. We live about a 10 minute drive apart. He says there is no way he is missing out on doing things like having his dad and brother round to watch football and meeting up with his friend to do a music stream on Facebook.

Sorry this is happening. Of course you can isolate taking care of your mother, but you're expecting him to.

Sadly it's quite unfair for you to try to stop him from seeing his own parents and family so you can be with yours. 

You may have to wait until your mother's doctors clear her for the vaccine and you as well get vaccinated.

Edited April 14, 2021 by Wiseman2

[d0nnivain]

17 hours ago, Pony8897 said:

She is waiting on her second vaccine. But I'm not sure I should just welcome him back with open arms when that happens  

I believe you have to wait 14 days or something after the 2nd dose. I'm sure the people administering the vaccine can tell you. 

Whether you let him back in your life or you kick him out because you thought he was insensitive / reckless is entirely up to you.  

[BaileyB]

18 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

If your mom is that vulnerable, get her vaccinated.  Then she'll be better protected no matter who he sees 

It’s obviously not 100%.

My father’s girlfriend is behaving the same way. They have been shunned (in a way) by many family and friends - nobody wants to see them right now because we all know that she has been taking many risks. It’s hard, but we really keep our distance. Not her daughter though, they continue to gather for holiday meals and sleepovers with the grandchildren. It would be one thing if it was just her, but it’s hard because my father is also high risk. He has had one shot and I’m grateful for that! 

I can’t say whether I would continue with this man or not, but I would not be seeing him if he is gathering with other people.

[FMW]

You're not being unreasonable about the decisions you make related to you and your family.  But as @Wiseman2pointed out, he is free to make his own decisions, and he's explained his reasons for the risks he's willing to take.  Expecting him to make decisions only based on your choices is controlling, no matter how incontrovertible those choices seem to be to you.  

You have every right to stop seeing him because of this situation, you don't have to expose yourself or your family to risks with which you are uncomfortable.   

Edited April 15, 2021 by FMW

[Pony8897]

It is just my living situation and I don't have much choice unfortunately. To elaborate, when we agreed I would be his support bubble, we had broken up and he wanted to get back together. I explained I could be his support bubble but of course I wouldn't be able to do it if he was going to see other people too, because of my mum. He promised he wouldn't and but since then has done the opposite. It does just feel like he might have been just saying it to get me back into the relationship and have me around as and when he needs me. I wish he would have been honest about his intentions at the time.

[SumGuy]

51 minutes ago, Pony8897 said:

 ...It does just feel like he might have been just saying it to get me back into the relationship and have me around as and when he needs me....

That's likely it...just tip of the iceberg, and if he is willing to lie and break his promise in a way it is very easy for you to verify here...why wouldn't he do it on other things especially when it is hard to catch him, like cheating for instance.   

It's simple really, he wanted sex and said what you wanted to hear, bros before hos, not a new story, not the end of it either...the fact that this could end up killing your mother...guess he could care less and/or thinks you are just stupid..

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Pony8897 said:

I explained I could be his support bubble but of course I wouldn't be able to do it if he was going to see other people too, because of my mum.

Perhaps he would prefer to bubble with his own immediate family. Seems fair enough. Why not seek out other friends and family for your support bubble? Sadly dating during covid is very difficult.

[glows]

This is an on/off again relationship? Why did you break up the first time? 

Make a decision that's best for you. I don't think either of you are unreasonable, incompatible perhaps, but not unreasonable. 

 

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Pony8897 said:

To elaborate, when we agreed I would be his support bubble, we had broken up and he wanted to get back together. I explained I could be his support bubble but of course I wouldn't be able to do it if he was going to see other people too, because of my mum. He promised he wouldn't and but since then has done the opposite. 

If you are not in a relationship, there shouldn’t be much of a problem. Obviously, he has other people who can be his “support bubble.” I say, take care of yourself and your mom. You were clear with your expectations, he agreed but he has not respected your wishes - that’s the way it goes. It’s time to create a bit more distance. 

Edited April 15, 2021 by BaileyB

[spiderowl]

You don't trust him and he is prioritising others over your family.  He is prioritising seeing his family over seeing you.  I can understand his argument about wanting to see his family but it seems your concerns are more that his behaviour is preventing him from seeing you.  Obviously, he does not feel that putting you and your mum first is his greatest priority.

Do you need this guy?  If not, why not find a different boyfriend eventually who will make you feel wanted?

[Pony8897]

Thanks all.

Yes at one point it was an on/off relationship. The first time we broke up was because he moved back into a flat he used to share with his ex and I was sure I could handle it and come round and stuff, so he ended it. A bit of a sore subject for me, since he wasn't honest with me right at the beginning about it being properly over between them already . He has ended the relationship 5 times! He seemed to have stopped doing that but now I have bought up an issue again, he's telling me he doesn't know what he wants and he's confused. 

[Pony8897]

Wasn't sure*

[Sun Seeker]

2 hours ago, Pony8897 said:

He has ended the relationship 5 times! He seemed to have stopped doing that but now I have bought up an issue again, he's telling me he doesn't know what he wants and he's confused. 

Regardless of the issue this topic about, this is as much of a reason as any to end this relationship once and for all. It's not working. People in a loving relationship don't break up once, let alone 5 times! And him telling you he is confused and doesn't know what he wants translates to 'I know you are not the one for me but I don't want to be alone so I would rather have you in my life as it's better than having nobody, until I meet someone else'.

You are not a priority for him. End it for good.

[glows]

2 hours ago, Pony8897 said:

Thanks all.

Yes at one point it was an on/off relationship. The first time we broke up was because he moved back into a flat he used to share with his ex and I was sure I could handle it and come round and stuff, so he ended it. A bit of a sore subject for me, since he wasn't honest with me right at the beginning about it being properly over between them already . He has ended the relationship 5 times! He seemed to have stopped doing that but now I have bought up an issue again, he's telling me he doesn't know what he wants and he's confused. 

This should have stayed over the first time. You're undercutting yourself accepting this person back into your life. Every time you bring up a concern because he disregards your wellbeing or emotions, he breaks up with you. How is this at all a good foundation for respect or trust in a relationship?

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Pony8897 said:

 . He has ended the relationship 5 times! 

That's not a good choice for a support bubble.

Try to reach out to friends and family more. Find more suitable people to hang out with.

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Don't waste your time and energy in on/off situations.

[ShyViolet]

The covid advice:  I don't see why you would need to completely end the relationship over THIS.  Just don't see him until your mom, you, AND him are fully vaccinated.  Then it should be ok.

However, it sounds like this relationship is not worth saving anyway, based on what else is going on.  He has ended the relationship 5 times, and says he's not sure what he wants?  Then YOU make the decision and end this once and for all.  Find someone who actually wants to be with you and will treat you right.

[SumGuy]

On 4/15/2021 at 3:17 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Perhaps he would prefer to bubble with his own immediate family. Seems fair enough. Why not seek out other friends and family for your support bubble? Sadly dating during covid is very difficult.

That was an option, but he said wanted to see her so he told her he wouldn't see his family.  That he would choose her bubble.  Fine if he wanted to choose his family over her and wait, but he didn't want to.  He outright lied, a lie that could have killed her mom.   

I guess if you believe COVID s a fiction and no big deal for high risk groups, or perhaps we need to thin the herd anyway, no big deal.  If you believe COVID is real and a risk for her mom, then he literally put her mom's life in danger and lied about it.   This is not some little transgression where he lied to go out with the boys.

If my child was deathly allergic to peanut butter, and my friend promised not to make PB and J on my counter tops, but did anyway and lied about it; never going to see that "friend" ever again.

He wanted it his way, and either didn't believe COVID was dangerous (so thinks she is stupid for believing so and ignored her) or just so irresponsible and self absorbed as to not care if he killed her mother.

Edited April 16, 2021 by SumGuy

[Commongoal123]

On 4/14/2021 at 4:08 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Of course you can isolate taking care of your mother, but you're expecting him to.

Sadly it's quite unfair for you to try to stop him from seeing his own parents and family so you can be with yours. 

You may have to wait until your mother's doctors clear her for the vaccine and you as well get vaccinated.

This OP.

[Prudence V]

On 4/14/2021 at 9:08 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Of course you can isolate taking care of your mother, but you're expecting him to.

Sadly it's quite unfair for you to try to stop him from seeing his own parents and family so you can be with yours. 

You may have to wait until your mother's doctors clear her for the vaccine and you as well get vaccinated.

If it’s “unfair”, why did he ask her to be his support bubble (when he had other options, and they weren’t even dating at the time) knowing it would mean he would have to isolate? And why did he promise to, if he didn’t intend to keep the promise? 
 

He could have asked someone else to be his support bubble, like his family. He could have let OP know that it was too difficult not seeing his family, and ended the arrangement. He could have been honest. He chose none of those things. 
 

He’s immature (at best) and deeply inconsiderate (more likely) to the point of risking someone else’s life for his own convenience. If it was me in the OP’s position, I wouldn’t be able to dump him fast enough. 

[Pony8897]

Thank you. I know I need to end this unhealthy relationship, I'm finding it hard though

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Pony8897 said:

Thank you. I know I need to end this unhealthy relationship, I'm finding it hard though

Yes. Covid and living with your mother causes a lot of isolation. However on/off is just drama and a poor choice for a support bubble.

Try to make more friends. Reach out to other family and friends.