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Upfront about desires and intentions at the beginning

LaPi

By LaPi
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Dis Established Member

Dis

Posted
Posted
2 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

She said she "sees herself in a committed relationship at some point in the future." I don't think she was asking for his hand in marriage. It could have meant being monogamous.

Exactly and it sounds like maybe she even wanted that now which is perfectly understandable after 8 weeks but she was actively toning it down as not to scare him off

 

When you have to do that for a guy, you know he's not the one 

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LaPi Established Member

LaPi

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Posted
6 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Like I said in previous post, I suspect what she meant (bolded) and what he heard are two different things.

As a man, what HE heard was she was pushing for commitment, and after only 8 dates, it was much too soon, he was still in the process of moving closer to her emotionally.

Hence his response.

I might agree with this. Most likely a man, just hearing the word "relationship", would freak out and not listening to anything else, not the actual context. 

poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted
Just now, Alpaca said:

She said she "sees herself in a committed relationship at some point in the future." I don't think she was asking for his hand in marriage. It could have meant being monogamous.

Again, that may not be what HE heard though.  Men and women are different and tend to interpret things in different ways.

Her intention was to clarify goals and what he may have heard was she is pushing for commitment, and after only 8 dates it was too soon for that.

I don't know it's all speculation, OP let us know how this plays out, like I said I have a sneaking suspicion this isn't over, that he will be contacting you.

Let us know!

 

 

 

 

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Dis Established Member

Dis

Posted
Posted (edited)
2 minutes ago, LaPi said:

I might agree with this. Most likely a man, just hearing the word "relationship", would freak out and not listening to anything else, not the actual context. 

But there are tons of men who want commitment though

 

Whenever I did OLD in the past the guys I dated asked me for it early on and took it upon themselves to take down their profiles 

 

The right guy isn't going to be scared by that...on the contrary he'll push for it 

Edited by Dis
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LaPi Established Member

LaPi

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Posted
1 minute ago, Dis said:

Exactly and it sounds like maybe she even wanted that now which is perfectly understandable after 8 weeks but she was actively toning it down as not to scare him off

 

When you have to do that for a guy, you know he's not the one 

Yeah I literally just said "I see a partner in my future" 

I didn't say "I see YOU in my future".

And this wasn't even the first time I said this, in another occasion I said "I don't want to be single, I want a partner" - and he NODDED. 

Was I played? 

poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
9 minutes ago, LaPi said:

Between yesterday night and this morning. We had this conversation in bed before sleeping, so we still slept in the same bed - mostly hugging actually - because the closeness was just there. This morning was more awkward, but I said goodbye, telling me that I care about him, that I wanted him to be happy and we hugged and all. We never had a fight. 

That's why I am so sad, because I care about him. Even if it's just 8 dates. Wonderful dates. 

You posted earlier he was upset, how so?  Can you clarify what you mean, in what way he appeared upset?

Give him time, this just happened.  Let that rubber band stretch!  lol

Edited by poppyfields
Alpacalia Established Member

Alpacalia

Posted
Posted
1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

Again, that may not be what HE heard though.  Men and women are different and tend to interpret things in different ways.

Her intention was to clarify goals and what he may have heard was she is pushing for commitment, and after only 8 dates it was too soon for that.

I don't know it's all speculation, OP let us know how this plays out, like I said I have a sneaking suspicion this isn't over, that he will be contacting you.

Let us know!

 

 

 

 

Yes, this is very true. Time will tell, for sure.

Hang in there LaPi but don't compromise yourself too much in the process.

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Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted
4 hours ago, LaPi said:

After a month and some of dating, and 8 amazing and very loving and romantic dates .

he's having a good time with me, and "maybe things will go well, maybe not" 

Wow.  8 dates and you want to nail him down?

You don't even know him. You're backpedaling because you went way too fast.

This is way too much, way too soon.

Slow your roll. Get to know someone, especially if you have kids.

Obviously he wants hookups/casual, so cut your losses.

 

 

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Dis Established Member

Dis

Posted
Posted
2 minutes ago, LaPi said:

Yeah I literally just said "I see a partner in my future" 

I didn't say "I see YOU in my future".

And this wasn't even the first time I said this, in another occasion I said "I don't want to be single, I want a partner" - and he NODDED. 

Was I played? 

I don't know that he was forthcoming with you and I think he was somewhat misleading but girl, never tone down what you want from a guy unless you want him to buy you a 10carat ring and have him propose to you on the 2nd date 

 

You want what YOU want and there is nothing wrong with that! Don't downplay your wants/needs for anyone again

 

The right guy will give you what you need without you having to do anything but be yourself 

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CollinW Established Member

CollinW

Posted
Posted
41 minutes ago, LaPi said:

well yeah. I want to choose and be chosen for once. It can't be THAT difficult. Is it an age thing? Is there too much offer out there that people just don't want to focus on one person? Are the dating apps the problem? 

A lot of men are questioning the benefit of relationships today. You said he has two kids? He may have been burned in the past. 

poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Wow.  8 dates and you want to nail him down?

You don't even know him. You're backpedaling because you went way too fast.

This is way too much, way too soon.

Lol, see how the male mind works?  An innocent talk about dating goals = she's trying to nail me down!   Way too fast, too much too soon.

I am not making this up, this is how many men think!

No wrong or right, it's yin and yang, masculine/feminine, and actually wouldn't want it any other way. 😂

Edited by poppyfields
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LaPi Established Member

LaPi

Posted
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Posted
5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

You posted earlier he was upset, how so?  Can you clarify what you mean, in what way he appeared upset?

Give him time, this just happened.  Let that rubber band stretch!  lol

he was upset because he didn't want things to end, but at the same time he was acknowledging we weren't on the same page, and constantly telling me "I am sorry". 

He was sorry he wasn't on the same page as me

CollinW Established Member

CollinW

Posted
Posted
8 minutes ago, LaPi said:

Yeah I literally just said "I see a partner in my future" 

I didn't say "I see YOU in my future".

And this wasn't even the first time I said this, in another occasion I said "I don't want to be single, I want a partner" - and he NODDED. 

Was I played? 

Clearly you saw him in your future, or else you wouldn't have brought it up. To act as if you gave this speech irrelevant to your feelings about comes off as disengenuous. 

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LaPi Established Member

LaPi

Posted
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4 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Lol, see how the male mind works?  An innocent talk about dating goals = she's trying to nail me down!   Way too fast, too much too soon.

I am not making this up, this is how many men think!

No wrong or right, it's yin and yang, masculine/feminine, and actually wouldn't want it any other way. 😂

ahah precisely! OMG run for the hills! lol 

poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted
Just now, LaPi said:

he was upset because he didn't want things to end, but at the same time he was acknowledging we weren't on the same page, and constantly telling me "I am sorry". 

He was sorry he wasn't on the same page as me

I see.  And what page were you on that he wasn't?

Like I said I think he misinterpreted what page you're on, which was you were asking for a commitment.

When all you were doing was wanting to clarify goals, in the general, not even specific to him.

Men and women do often speak a different language sometimes.

poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
3 minutes ago, LaPi said:

ahah precisely! OMG run for the hills! lol 

Not to me, but if you'd rather run for the hills after only 8 dates versus attempt to understand the male psyche, and strive to have him understand yours (as a woman), that is certainly your prerogative. 

Edited by poppyfields
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LaPi Established Member

LaPi

Posted
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Just now, CollinW said:

Clearly you saw him in your future, or else you wouldn't have brought it up. To act as if you gave this speech irrelevant to your feelings about comes off as disengenuous. 

I am dating him. Dating. Would that be wrong to daydreaming and being in that infatuation phase? I do see him in my future. I do see us living together and our kids running around. So? 
I know I am ahead of myself and it's just daydreaming of an ideal outcome. What is wrong with that? 

Not that I mentioned anything to him about it. I would be crazy to do so. It's 8 dates. But that doesn't mean that I cannot think about it and be all dreamy. It's a woman's thing? Good. 

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LaPi Established Member

LaPi

Posted
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5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I see.  And what page were you on that he wasn't?

Like I said I think he misinterpreted what page you're on, which was you were asking for a commitment.

When all you were doing was wanting to clarify goals, in the general, not even specific to him.

Men and women do often speak a different language sometimes.

Well I think that if he is really scared of commitment and wants only casual, he might not come back at all. 

I briefly went out with others in the past, the second they realized I wasn't there for casual sex, they told me how amazing I was and bye bye. 

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LaPi Established Member

LaPi

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Posted (edited)
17 minutes ago, CollinW said:

A lot of men are questioning the benefit of relationships today. You said he has two kids? He may have been burned in the past. 

Oh he was burned badly in the past - his ex wife. He's still hurting, I am sure, after she left 2 years ago

But once again, if your heart is not open to let someone in, if you are emotionally unavailable, it's just tremendously selfish to start anything with someone who is emotionally available and open for a relationship. And he might be very selfish on this. 

Edited by LaPi
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Shining One Established Member

Shining One

Posted
Posted
28 minutes ago, Dis said:

But if he really liked her he would've been happy to give her that 

The "if you really liked them, you would do X" reasoning is fundamentally flawed. Using that logic, if she really liked him, she would have continued dating him on his terms.

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Dis Established Member

Dis

Posted
Posted (edited)
1 minute ago, Shining One said:

The "if you really liked them, you would do X" reasoning is fundamentally flawed. Using that logic, if she really liked him, she would have continued dating him on his terms.

No they would've compromised 

 

If he really wanted her in his life, he would've found a way and so would she 

 

Obvi this didn't mean as much as they thought

 

And there are plenty of guys who only want casual but if they really meet the right woman, they feel differently 

Edited by Dis
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LaPi Established Member

LaPi

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Posted
1 minute ago, Dis said:

No they would've compromised 

 

If he really wanted her in his life, he would've found a way and so would she 

 

Obvi this didn't mean as much as they thought

 

And there are plenty of guys who only want casual but if they really meet the right woman, they feel differently 

Agreed. Except that I do want to compromise a little because I care about him. That's what I am trying to figure our here with you guys. 
I am second guessing myself I pulled the trigger too fast - meaning I decided to end things.

 

Maybe I should ask him - "what is your proposal with this, what you want to do?" 

 

Or... I should not say the word proposal LOL !!! 

basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
Posted

 

5 minutes ago, LaPi said:

Oh he was burned badly in the past - his ex wife. He's still hurting, I am sure, after 2 years she left. 

But once again, if your heart is not open to let someone in, if you are emotionally unavailable, it's just tremendously selfish to start anything with someone who is emotionally available and open for a relationship. And he might be very selfish on this. 

Indeed.   And I'm calling bollocks on this stuff about men vs women.   Some men are perfectly clear about what they want in terms of relationships.

When I met my now husband, he mentioned on the second date that he wanted kids before X age.  So I knew that I had to figure out what I wanted if I was going to continue with him.  It's only fair. 

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basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
Posted
3 minutes ago, LaPi said:

Agreed. Except that I do want to compromise a little because I care about him. That's what I am trying to figure our here with you guys. 
I am second guessing myself I pulled the trigger too fast - meaning I decided to end things.

Maybe I should ask him - "what is your proposal with this, what you want to do?" 

Or... I should not say the word proposal LOL !!! 

When someone tells you who they are and what they want, believe them.   So no, don't reach out.    If he gets all sad and starts to reconsider whether or not he is open to a relationship, he will reach out to you and at this point, you could reconsider.

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Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted

Your goals are fine. However you got super attached to a player.

You're getting caught up in dreamland.

If you get attached to soon with sex, slow down.

 

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