Upfront about desires and intentions at the beginning

[poppyfields]

12 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Of course you care about what your partner wants in a relationship, these 2 are not. Why should OP compromise on what she wants in her life for a man she saw 8 times?

Well, because apparently she REALLY likes the guy, she daydreams about him, she's emotionally invested in him, hell sounds like she's falling in love with him, so to ask why should she compromise?

That makes no sense.

I could see the way you do it, you ask before meeting or during the first meet when you don't even know the guy let alone have feelings for him, that's different.

But again she's super into this guy, so into him in fact, she dumped him to protect her heart.

When you're that into someone, then yes you should care about their feelings and what they want or don't want, and communicate with each other in an attempt to understand each other and reach a compromise.

Not just dump them for not fulfilling your immediate need for validation and a "relationship," again it had only been one month.

Edited April 16, 2021 by poppyfields

[cleverusername]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

They were not, she assumed they were, then he randomly spoke about being on Tinder. That's not being exclusive.

See Below from page 1. 

Quote

But why seeing me consistently every week, saying that we were dating, admitting not seeing anyone else (I would hope so, in a pandemic!), checking in everyday via text and overall being wonderful with me, telling me how much he's enjoying my company.

 

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

When you're that into someone, then yes you should care about their feelings and what they want or don't want, and communicate with each other in an attempt to understand each other and reach a compromise.

Ok I am playing along. She wants a relationship, he doesn't. She cares about the fact he doesn't want a relationship so she does what? She offers him an open relationship? 

You don't see there is no negociation room? 

[LaPi]

I crafted a potential text message. 
can you guys tell me if sounds too bad or if doesn’t really say anything at all? 
 

“I’m saddened and genuinely sorry for the way things panned out between us. 

It feels unreal, just days ago I was all happy and flirty. 

It was difficult for me to be that vulnerable and I reacted impulsively in the attempt to protect my feelings. 

I didn’t want to push you away, come on too strong or create problems where they do not exist.

We had a great time together, every single date was pretty amazing and that’s rare”

[LaPi]

3 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

See Below from page 1. 

 

Well you are not actually sleeping with anyone else right now, but maybe you are talking to 10 more, planning dates for June??? 
I don’t know 

[poppyfields]

8 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

That's good when the man is seeking a relationship and he's not sure about the woman he dates. The man is debating if he wants a relationship at all, not the same thing.

Gaeta, I posted this earlier but that same man who said he did not want a RL could very well turn around in another month or two and want a relationship, with you.

On the other hand, a man could say he wants a relationship with you, and turn around a week later and dump.

This happens!  I have witnessed it happening.

Things are not always linear, and people can change and grow even while dating the same person, it's not always as black and white as you make it out to be.

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, LaPi said:

I crafted a potential text message. 
can you guys tell me if sounds too bad or if doesn’t really say anything at all? 
 

“I’m saddened and genuinely sorry for the way things panned out between us. 

It feels unreal, just days ago I was all happy and flirty. 

It was difficult for me to be that vulnerable and I reacted impulsively in the attempt to protect my feelings. 

I didn’t want to push you away, come on too strong or create problems where they do not exist.

We had a great time together, every single date was pretty amazing and that’s rare”

Don't you want him to explain himself? 

[LaPi]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Ok I am playing along. She wants a relationship, he doesn't. She cares about the fact he doesn't want a relationship so she does what? She offers him an open relationship? 

You don't see there is no negociation room? 

Exactly!! I did not know what to do in that moment. I was a bit shocked and confused. 
it was a total rejection for me

[cleverusername]

6 minutes ago, LaPi said:

I crafted a potential text message. 
can you guys tell me if sounds too bad or if doesn’t really say anything at all? 
 

“I’m saddened and genuinely sorry for the way things panned out between us. 

It feels unreal, just days ago I was all happy and flirty. 

It was difficult for me to be that vulnerable and I reacted impulsively in the attempt to protect my feelings. 

I didn’t want to push you away, come on too strong or create problems where they do not exist.

We had a great time together, every single date was pretty amazing and that’s rare”

Sounds self-indulgent. I'd wonder;

A) Why you're sending me this

B) How to respond

C) Probably delete your number if I hadn't already

4 minutes ago, LaPi said:

Well you are not actually sleeping with anyone else right now, but maybe you are talking to 10 more, planning dates for June??? 
I don’t know 

Is that what he told you or is that your assumption? That sounds like an assumption.

Edited April 16, 2021 by cleverusername

[Gaeta]

Just now, poppyfields said:

hat same man who said he did not want a RL could very well turn around in another month or two and want a relationship, with you.

On the other hand, a man could say he wants a relationship with you, and turn around a week later and dump.

When a man tells me he's not sure of wanting a relationship at this time, I beleive him. 

If he was not sure to have a relationship with me it would be different, but not sure about wanting a relationship at all? I'm out. 

[LaPi]

1 minute ago, cleverusername said:

Sounds self-indulgent. I'd wonder;

A) Why your sending me this

B) How to respond

C) Probably delete your number if I hadn't already

Oh wow that’s harsh. 
why? Because I care and I am showing you that I am second guessing myself and I’m saying that I am sorry that happened. 

how to respond? I don’t know, up to you what you want to respond. I’m throwing a rope 

delete my number? Again, harsh. But sure. 

[dramafreezone]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Ok I am playing along. She wants a relationship, he doesn't. She cares about the fact he doesn't want a relationship so she does what? She offers him an open relationship? 

You don't see there is no negociation room? 

What does an official relationship entitle her to?  What if he went along with it?  He could behave the exact same way whether they're in a relationship or not.

It's just an idea.  It's a false sense of security.

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

Is that what he told you or is that your assumption? That sounds like an assumption.

Him talking about Tinder is not an assumption. 

[poppyfields]

14 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Ok I am playing along. She wants a relationship, he doesn't. She cares about the fact he doesn't want a relationship so she does what? She offers him an open relationship? 

You don't see there is no negociation room? 

You're making it sound like he would NEVER want a relationship, failing to consider that given a bit more time (again it had only been one month), he would want one, with her.

Goodness, you gotta allow a guy time to move closer to you, didn't you say you watch Esther Perel videos?  

That's her whole thing, people are in such a rush, slow down, enjoy the journey for heavens sake.

From the men I know, their number one complaint about women is that they push push push.  Lord, again it had only been one month.

My ex and I didn't even become exclusive for 2.5 months, didn't have full blown sex until the 9th date.

And here is the OP, after one month and 8 dates, dumping him because he's not quite knowing where he wants things to go.....

Lord have mercy. lol

 

 

Edited April 16, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, dramafreezone said:

What does an official relationship entitle her to? 

Fidelity and his best intentions. 

[cleverusername]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Him talking about Tinder is not an assumption. 

ummm no, they were exclusive. 

Quote

But why seeing me consistently every week, saying that we were dating, admitting not seeing anyone else (I would hope so, in a pandemic!), checking in everyday via text and overall being wonderful with me, telling me how much he's enjoying my company.

 

[LaPi]

1 minute ago, dramafreezone said:

What does an official relationship entitle her to?  What if he went along with it?  He could behave the exact same way whether they're in a relationship or not.

It's just an idea.  It's a false sense of security.

Not the point. I actually told him I didn’t care about labels at all. You can end a relationship at any stage, labels don’t give security. 
 

but telling you that I like you and that I’m in, present, open and wanting for us to work out, and you tell me nothing similar at least, well again, a knife in my back. 
my feelings weren’t reciprocated. THAT’S the problem, not the labels. 

[poppyfields]

11 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

When a man tells me he's not sure of wanting a relationship at this time, I beleive him. 

That's where we differ.  I take it with a grain of salt, and respond "cool, me neither."  I live my life, I maintain my interests and friendships, I am not always available and guess what, in a couple of months he's begging me for a relationship.

Why am I able to wait and relax, enjoy the process?

Because I have faith and trust in our connection and in myself.

This is what was lacking from LaPi, she lacked faith and trust, allowed her emotions to drive the ship, and prematurely dumped.

They both lose.

Edited April 16, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

That's her whole thing, people are in such a rush, slow down, enjoy the journey for heavens sake.

I agree in normal circumstances it's best to take your time. 

But, in my experience, a man that says he is not sure of wanting a relationship with anyone, is a man that needs his freedom still and not only for 2 months but for long enough to figure himself out. 

[cleverusername]

4 minutes ago, LaPi said:

Oh wow that’s harsh. 
why? Because I care and I am showing you that I am second guessing myself and I’m saying that I am sorry that happened. 

how to respond? I don’t know, up to you what you want to respond. I’m throwing a rope 

delete my number? Again, harsh. But sure. 

Well first ask why are you reaching back out? Because you want him back or because you want closure for yourself?

[dramafreezone]

Just now, Gaeta said:

Fidelity and his best intentions. 

There are millions of people that gave their word to be in "committed relationships" who have the worst intentions, cheat, do the worst things ever to each other.  Converesly, there are couples that live great lives together and never once declared that they were in a committed relationship.  So what is the inherent value to this idea of a committed relationship? 

[LaPi]

2 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

Well first ask why are you reaching back out? Because you want him back or because you want closure for yourself?

For both reasons. 
if his response is positive, maybe I can have him back and give just a little more time and “slow down” my heart - if that’s what I have to do even if I don’t know how. 
if his response is negative, well at least I have closure. 
no? 

[LaPi]

5 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

There are millions of people that gave their word to be in "committed relationships" who have the worst intentions, cheat, do the worst things ever to each other.  Converesly, there are couples that live great lives together and never once declared that they were in a committed relationship.  So what is the inherent value to this idea of a committed relationship? 

Maybe they declare it to each other, don’t you think? With their words, action, with the I love you etc. 

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

 Converesly, there are couples that live great lives together and never once declared that they were in a committed relationship. 

I do not know any couples like that. I would not give my time, love, fidelity, support, help, generosity to a man that cannot make me his official girlfriend. 

[cleverusername]

14 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

“I’m saddened and genuinely sorry for the way things panned out between us. 

It feels unreal, just days ago I was all happy and flirty. 

It was difficult for me to be that vulnerable and I reacted impulsively in the attempt to protect my feelings. 

I didn’t want to push you away, come on too strong or create problems where they do not exist.

We had a great time together, every single date was pretty amazing and that’s rare”

 

1 minute ago, LaPi said:

For both reasons. 
if his response is positive, maybe I can have him back and give just a little more time and “slow down” my heart - if that’s what I have to do even if I don’t know how. 
if his response is negative, well at least I have closure. 
no? 

Nothing in that text involves or acknowledges him or his feelings, so i'd start with that.