Ami1uwant Posted April 14, 2021 Posted April 14, 2021 2 hours ago, Stupidkupid said: Wait. So, do you suggest you go into relationships expecting that you would move into their home?? I don't understand what location of the house has to do with anything. Assume if you're going to date then you live relatively close why would your assumption (for discussion) wiuld surely be that, wgen the time comes, you pool your resources and buy somewhere together? It doesn’t matter on marriage or not. If you look at this as a long term relation then buying a house is a big deal because of where it is. you might live where you do close to your job location. She lived near you which is how you met. She went and bought this house on the opposite side of town where work commute is now 50+ min longer. Does this mean she’s going to focus on shifting job closer to her? thus is a big dynamic change
Author FMW Posted April 14, 2021 Author Posted April 14, 2021 My perfect scenario is that we stay as we are, each with our own place, even if we stay together for many years. We already spend nights at each other's homes every week, so nothing needs to change. We're mid fifties and financially independent, there is no reason to join property and finances. It's actually kind of nice to have a change of scenery when I spend time at his place, and have a choice on where to invite friends over. We both have things that keep us busy, and I like having nights alone at least a few nights a week. I'm sure he feels the same. If his comments meant anything (and I'm not sure they did), it was possibly just an ego thing, since I didn't ask his input when I was looking at places and/or the expectation that most women want more from a man and wondering why I don't. He's not a neanderthal by any means, but gender stereotypes still come into play sometimes.
SumGuy Posted April 14, 2021 Posted April 14, 2021 On 4/13/2021 at 3:56 PM, FMW said: ... The reason for my post is that it did make me wonder, in general, would a woman buying a house generally bother the guy she's seeing? Does it seem to indicate some lack of her commitment to him? It shouldn't on both counts, but can see if he has a certain view of relationship dynamics, especially male-female, it could and would. If it does though he just needs to get over it. 1
elaine567 Posted April 15, 2021 Posted April 15, 2021 (edited) I think anyone who decides to purchase a house alone to live in (i.e. not as an investment) will alter the dynamics of any relationship they are in. Relationships tend to need to progress in some way and whilst the other partner may not be desperate to live together or get married then buying a house will put a stop to any thought they may have had regarding any progress forward. One person making an undiscussed unilateral decision may not sit well either. There is also the rejection factor to consider. The person who is not buying the house may feel rejected and as the purchase will not be a secret to all in their lives, it is a public rejection. Many people will not like that whatever the circumstances. Depending on the person involved, the house purchase by the other may be no big deal or it may be a very big deal indeed... Here it seems you are forging ahead regardless. Independent woman and all that, and making a lot of assumptions as to how he feels. I get that it is none of his business, your money, your house, and he needs to put up or shut up, but you may in fact lose him over this. Small cottage rammed to the rafters with his stuff, sounds like he needs to move soon. You buy this house, he will buy a new house and your togetherness will suffer, your separateness will increase. Edited April 15, 2021 by elaine567 spacing 1
deepthinking Posted April 15, 2021 Posted April 15, 2021 (edited) moocher alert! He is a grown man who does not want to buy his own house so he leaves the responsibiity to you Edited April 15, 2021 by deepthinking
Happy Lemming Posted April 15, 2021 Posted April 15, 2021 5 hours ago, elaine567 said: I think anyone who decides to purchase a house alone to live in (i.e. not as an investment) will alter the dynamics of any relationship they are in. I've flipped two houses since I've been dating my girlfriend (lived in both of them), I didn't seek her input on either one. She dislikes my current home and stated I paid too much for it (after I purchased it and showed it to her) It has since doubled in value, so her input would have lost me money. This is probably my last project home and will be my "forever" retirement home. (at least its looking that way) The dynamics in our relationship have not changed one bit, what I do with my money/investments/home is my business and I don't consult her, nor seek her approval. 3
Author FMW Posted April 15, 2021 Author Posted April 15, 2021 7 hours ago, elaine567 said: sounds like he needs to move soon. He's very happy with his place. He lived in a huge place and never again wants to deal with all that entails. But I appreciate your input, it differs from most of the rest and is something for me to think about. Exactly the reason I posted. Thanks!
Author FMW Posted April 15, 2021 Author Posted April 15, 2021 6 hours ago, deepthinking said: moocher alert! He is a grown man who does not want to buy his own house so he leaves the responsibiity to you Until a few months ago he owned two houses, both fully paid for. He sold the larger one and is now in the small one that he's very happy with. 1
Author FMW Posted April 16, 2021 Author Posted April 16, 2021 Closing is set for May 17. My guy has seemed excited for me over the last few days and planning things he can help me with so I think all is well. I told him I was looking forward to having his friends over for cookouts, he seems good with it all. 2
Gaeta Posted April 16, 2021 Posted April 16, 2021 Oh that's coming fast!! Exciting! I was sure he'd be ok with it! Buying a house doesn't change your dynamic. 1
Phallacy Posted April 17, 2021 Posted April 17, 2021 Good post as I was in your situation when I met my ex gf. I was in escrow living in a 1 bedroom apartment when I met her. Buying a home by myself was both liberating and sad at the same time. I never envisioned making a home purchase by myself. It’s always been a couples thing to me. At the same time though, it was a journey for me in that I was no longer codependent and evolved into an independent individual. There’s an article in Psychology Today that discusses the spectrum of behaviors singles exhibit, with codependency and narcissism at the extreme ends. I realized that buying this home alone was the ultimate declaration of my independence and yes, my intention to never settle. And yes, I became a very cynical and entitled prick. Now keep in mind that I am like a lot of folks, a product of my environment. The amount of judging I received as a renter previously was insane. What’s interesting is that my ex gf was living with her mom when I met her and she had the audacity to refer to my Re-modeled townhome as a ‘starter home’. I’ve also met female homeowners that had roommates. Their goal was to find a boyfriend to move in with them, help pay the mortgage and expel the roommates. Now, I for one would never marry a homeowner as a renter in their house and wouldn’t expect a female to do so either. So...all that being said, yes, I would see you buying a home as an intent to NOT marry. After all these years dating I can’t believe how naive I’ve been regarding the nature of love and how the significance of owning a home shattered my notion of that. I learned the hard way that unconditional love is a myth 1
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