Partner and I have different views on where to live. How can I navigate this with him?

[AB098]

I (33F) have been with my boyfriend (35M) for 18 months. He is a wonderful, kind and loving person. We currently live in a foreign country to our native country and we met here. When we first met we were both happy here. However, over the past 6 months I have had health and money issues that have made me seriously reconsider building a life in this country long term. I have communicated this to my partner and suggested that we might, within the next year or so, move back to our home country. I have explained to him I feel that we would have better opportunities for work, for buying a house and, I hope, for building our future there long term. He has been vaguely positive but admits he is unsure of where he wants to settle. He has a good job here and his father lives nearby. I have no-one but him and his father here. The rest of his family and mine live in our native country. He has suggested that he could work remotely and that his company would support him in this but at this point it is all conjecture on his part at this point. I work for myself and would be around 20% better off in my home country. My partner is very indecisive about where he wants to be and admits that he "doesn't know" while I am absolutely certain of the trajectory I would like my life to take, ideally back home, over the next 3-5 years. NB - I am painfully aware that asking him to simply uproot his life and move back home with me could be seen as a one sided option, equally uncompromising as if he asked me to stay in this place I'd now rather not be. I don't want to do that to him. I don't want us to move and have him resent me or our relationship. I want him to be happy. It seems an uncomfortable bind that I do not know how to fix but I want to talk with him, I just don't know how or where to begin.  How do I navigate this with him? How have you all tried to resolve an issue of this kind with a partner? Any views, opinions or advice on how best to navigate this issue with him would be very appreciated.

[Calmandfocused]

You say that both of you would be “better off” moving back home. However what you later write gives me the distinct impression that your partners career would be severely compromised if you moved back home. In which case that’s not fair is it? 
 

Plus you suggest that your lives would be better back home but there is no guarantee... at least for him. 

There is no middle ground with this. You either do or you don’t, or you split up. 

I’m not suggesting you give up your dreams but what I am suggesting is that you keep in mind the bigger picture. 
 

For example a 20% increase in one persons salary is not an increase if the sacrifice is their partners career. In fact it’s a significant loss. This consideration is especially important if you decide you want children and want some time off work in the future. 
 

You have a lot to think about and a lot of discussions are needed. 

[introverted1]

1 hour ago, AB098 said:

NB - I am painfully aware that asking him to simply uproot his life and move back home with me could be seen as a one sided option, equally uncompromising as if he asked me to stay in this place I'd now rather not be.

Actually, what you are suggesting is the more one-sided option, given that you met in the country where you now reside and you are the one who has decided that this is no longer what you want.

Have you and your partner discussed marriage? Do you and he both see your relationship as a lifetime commitment?  How old is his father and would the father be ok being alone in your current country or would your bf leaving render the father without a support system? 

From reading your OP, it sounds like a move would benefit you because it's what you want to do, but the benefit to your bf appears to be limited to his being able to continue the r/s with you. Are there other options available?

Edited April 13, 2021 by introverted1

[AB098]

Thank you both for replying: you draw attention to the dilemma in this. I KNOW it's not fair to him but I'm not sure how to reconcile this with my needs. Of course, I'm prepared to compromise. You views have been very helpful. 

29 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Actually, what you are suggesting is the more one-sided option, given that you met in the country where you now reside and you are the one who has decided that this is no longer what you want.

Have you and your partner discussed marriage? Do you and he both see your relationship as a lifetime commitment?  How old is his father and would the father be ok being alone in your current country or would your bf leaving render the father without a support system? 

From reading your OP, it sounds like a move would benefit you because it's what you want to do, but the benefit to your bf appears to be limited to his being able to continue the r/s with you. Are there other options available?

Yes, we do have other options but they need further investigation. I don't want to pull my BF away from his life, of course not, th thought of that is horrible to me. I am trying to navigate the middle ground. We have discussed Marriage. It is not important to him but is perhaps more important to me. We feel our relationship is still strong without it. 

1 hour ago, Calmandfocused said:

You say that both of you would be “better off” moving back home. However what you later write gives me the distinct impression that your partners career would be severely compromised if you moved back home. In which case that’s not fair is it? 
 

Plus you suggest that your lives would be better back home but there is no guarantee... at least for him. 

There is no middle ground with this. You either do or you don’t, or you split up. 

I’m not suggesting you give up your dreams but what I am suggesting is that you keep in mind the bigger picture. 
 

For example a 20% increase in one persons salary is not an increase if the sacrifice is their partners career. In fact it’s a significant loss. This consideration is especially important if you decide you want children and want some time off work in the future. 
 

You have a lot to think about and a lot of discussions are needed. 

You make a set of very fair and helpful points. My BF's career would not be adversely effected by moving as the company he works for has HQ in our home nation and many others work remotely. But, I agree, to ask him to move his career for mine IS unfair. 

There is no guarantee that life would be better, you're right there's a lot to unpack here particularly around our careers. His might be fine if we stay but I know my own will slow down. 

Thank you both, these conversations are never easy but we have much to talk about to find a resolution. You have given me much food for thought. Thank you. 

[CollinW]

You're expectations aren't reasonable. I understand the tough situation you're in, but you're essentially asking him to downgrade to your situation economically and socially so you upgrade to his situation in a new county. And 18 months isn't a long enough relationship in my opinion to uproot for someone. 

If moving would benefit you that much, then it might be time to end the relationship. In today's economy and job market, livelihoods and being able to feed yourself is more important than short relationships. 

[d0nnivain]

You can't make life decisions based on a guy you have only dated for 18 months.  If the best thing for you to do is move, then move.  He can then do what he wants, including decide the move isn't worth it for him.  

[Stupidkupid]

2 hours ago, AB098 said:

My BF's career would not be adversely effected by moving as the company he works for has But, I agree, to ask him to move his career for mine IS unfair. 

There is no guarantee that life would be better, you're right there's a lot to unpack here particularly around our careers. His might be fine if we stay but I know my own will slow down. 

Is it? Just coming from another angle but men ask women to do this all the time. Why shouldnt a woman do similar?

[d0nnivain]

She can absolutely ask.  But he has the right to say no.  

[Stupidkupid]

8 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

She can absolutely ask.  But he has the right to say no.  

Definitely.

But the request, in and of itself, is no more unfair than if it were the other way around.