2000IU Posted April 12, 2021 Posted April 12, 2021 There's a girl at work who has been staring at me for the past two years. The staring is really obvious, she will stare at me for a few seconds and not even try to hide it. I've been ignoring her staring for the most part, only said hello a couple of times. So here's the thing.... My co-worker told me early on that she is diagnosed with borderline. That led me to think that this girl is staring at me because she is an attention-seeker who gets off on the attention men give her, which is why I decided to ignore her staring. However the staring (and flirting) has now been going for like two years, and I'm wondering if she could actually genuinely be interested in me? Or is she chasing me because I don't give her any attention? I'm actually surprised that she hasn't given up because I've barely acknowledged her and yet she doesn't stop trying. She has been showing a lot of the usual signs of a girl who is interested in you, it's not only the staring. She has initiated conversations with me a couple of times about something non-work related, and she will sometimes walk by my office and stop to look at me for like two seconds, then continue walking. I've also seen her talking to co-workers and as soon as I appear it's like she just stops talking to them and just stares at me... Well that's just a few of the signs. What are your thoughts on this? Thinking I might try asking her out, but not sure if it's genuine interest or her just wanting my attention.
basil67 Posted April 13, 2021 Posted April 13, 2021 Why would you think that borderline = attention seeking or getting off on attention which men give? BPD is essentially the inability to manage emotions effectively. Attention seeking is not part of the diagnostic criteria. We can't tell you why she stares. You could remind her of someone from her past. You may have unusual features. She may be an accidental starer (I have been told that I do this sometimes), she may think that you're weird because you've been ignoring her. The signs of her being interested in you aren't signs. Staring is not a sign. Nor is initiating a couple of non-work related conversations. And there's nothing to suggest that she's looking for your attention. Regarding asking her out, the first question is do you WANT to ask her out? Does your work have policy on dating among coworkers? 2
trident_2020 Posted April 13, 2021 Posted April 13, 2021 She's been staring at you for 2.. YEARS? Does she ever blink? 4 2
glows Posted April 13, 2021 Posted April 13, 2021 Say something next time she walks by your office. Ask her how she's doing or make small talk. You don't have to jump to asking her out right away.
Author 2000IU Posted April 13, 2021 Author Posted April 13, 2021 (edited) 11 hours ago, basil67 said: Why would you think that borderline = attention seeking or getting off on attention which men give? BPD is essentially the inability to manage emotions effectively. Attention seeking is not part of the diagnostic criteria. We can't tell you why she stares. You could remind her of someone from her past. You may have unusual features. She may be an accidental starer (I have been told that I do this sometimes), she may think that you're weird because you've been ignoring her. The signs of her being interested in you aren't signs. Staring is not a sign. Nor is initiating a couple of non-work related conversations. And there's nothing to suggest that she's looking for your attention. Regarding asking her out, the first question is do you WANT to ask her out? Does your work have policy on dating among coworkers? [] How can staring in this case not be a sign? She's been doing it for two years, and she gives repeated stares with prolonged eye contact. I get looks from women quite often but I've never encountered someone that made it this obvious. Like I said there's more signs. I definitely believe she's trying to get my attention. I just can't determine whether she's doing it for the wrong reasons or because she is interested. 7 hours ago, trident_2020 said: She's been staring at you for 2.. YEARS? Does she ever blink? Yes, 2 years. I've ignored her for the most part so you'd think she would think I'm not interested and just give up, but she hasn't. 7 hours ago, glows said: Say something next time she walks by your office. Ask her how she's doing or make small talk. You don't have to jump to asking her out right away. I will probably try doing that. Edited April 13, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator refers to removed content
mrs rubble Posted April 13, 2021 Posted April 13, 2021 I agree with Basil, there could be all sorts of reasons she stares.I was once confronted at a food hall a few years by a man who asked me why I was staring at him, I told him that I didn't mean to stare, just that I found his hairstyle incredibly odd and it was eye-catching.
Wiseman2 Posted April 13, 2021 Posted April 13, 2021 Go to work in order to work and get your paycheck. The workplace isn't a singles club. Stop staring at her. Leave her alone. Even if you have a crush it's rude and unprofessional to stare at women at work. Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting women. Work to work. Date to date.
d0nnivain Posted April 13, 2021 Posted April 13, 2021 How the heck would your friend know what, if anything, this co-worker's mental health diagnoses are? I doubt he has a clue. Her staring at you for 2 years but not doing anything else to move the interaction forward is creepy & odd. 2 months maybe but after all this time something is not right with either of you. If you like her & think you might like to go out with her, ask her on a date. If you don't want to ask her out, just continue to ignore her. But don't sit there thinking that you have some power over her because she stares & you ignore her. Nothing you described as a sign that she likes you reads that way to me. 1
chillii Posted April 13, 2021 Posted April 13, 2021 (edited) She's certainly persistent with whatever it is give her that much . And what do you do when she stops at your office door and stares , how have you not said anything in 2yrs or had some conversation ? And how could it have not come up in 2yrs with you and your work mates or female friends there, they would've heard or at least noticed things, what do they think or know - apart from someone thinking she's borderline ? l dunno hth this could go on 2yrs and you haven't even talked to her or heard something from others. Edited April 13, 2021 by chillii
cleverusername Posted April 13, 2021 Posted April 13, 2021 Her for two years : "Why the hell is this guy staring at me?" 5
Wiseman2 Posted April 13, 2021 Posted April 13, 2021 13 hours ago, 2000IU said: My co-worker told me early on that she is diagnosed with borderline. How does he know this? Seems like you may need a more challenging, better job if there's this much time to waste wonder who's in the DSM5 and who's looking at whom.
glows Posted April 13, 2021 Posted April 13, 2021 5 hours ago, 2000IU said: I will probably try doing that. Baby steps. Right now you know nothing so go in with that. It doesn't sound like you've broken the ice at work at all or have any sort of rapport. Get to know her as a coworker even. I don't think there's any harm in that. I don't condone dating in the workplace. Too many things can go wrong. If you are curious about her as a person, the most logical thing is to first speak with her in your shared setting.
smackie9 Posted April 13, 2021 Posted April 13, 2021 OK so she looks interested and may have instantiate some contact. Me personally would never date a coworker is a pain, and things go wrong real bad. OP do you like this girl? If you do and you are a risk taker, just get her number and ask her out.
Author 2000IU Posted April 13, 2021 Author Posted April 13, 2021 (edited) 6 hours ago, d0nnivain said: How the heck would your friend know what, if anything, this co-worker's mental health diagnoses are? I doubt he has a clue. Her staring at you for 2 years but not doing anything else to move the interaction forward is creepy & odd. 2 months maybe but after all this time something is not right with either of you. If you like her & think you might like to go out with her, ask her on a date. If you don't want to ask her out, just continue to ignore her. But don't sit there thinking that you have some power over her because she stares & you ignore her. Nothing you described as a sign that she likes you reads that way to me. He knows her for many years. She has told him that she is diagnosed with BPD. Well I agree that it's odd. However I'm not sure that I agree that she hasn't tried to do anything to move our interaction forward apart from just staring. I think the problem is that I've been acting very disinterested and also been avoiding her. Despite that she's been trying to start conversations with me and has carried on showing interest. 6 hours ago, chillii said: She's certainly persistent with whatever it is give her that much . And what do you do when she stops at your office door and stares , how have you not said anything in 2yrs or had some conversation ? And how could it have not come up in 2yrs with you and your work mates or female friends there, they would've heard or at least noticed things, what do they think or know - apart from someone thinking she's borderline ? l dunno hth this could go on 2yrs and you haven't even talked to her or heard something from others. A couple of times when she did that I didn't even look at her, other times I looked at her and she continued staring and then walked away like a second later. No smile or anything. Just staring. Well there was one particular day when she in my opinion was being really flirty and my co-worker also noticed it and pointed it out. Apart from that we haven't had many conversations. I'm sure there are some co-workers who noticed her staring, because she has also been staring at me in a very obvious way (turning her head to look at me, and looking multiple times) when there have been co-workers around. I'm not really that close with anyone at work though, so it's not odd no one has told me anything. 5 hours ago, cleverusername said: Her for two years : "Why the hell is this guy staring at me?" I never stared at her. I was never interested in this girl in the first place. She was the one who started staring at me, and I didn't think much about it at first but it happened so frequently that I realised she must be interested in some way. I understand if you're trying to post a funny comment, but it's more been me thinking: "Why the hell is this girl staring at me?" 4 hours ago, glows said: Baby steps. Right now you know nothing so go in with that. It doesn't sound like you've broken the ice at work at all or have any sort of rapport. Get to know her as a coworker even. I don't think there's any harm in that. I don't condone dating in the workplace. Too many things can go wrong. If you are curious about her as a person, the most logical thing is to first speak with her in your shared setting. I guess I will try make some small talk and see how she responds to that. She has been pretty flirty and responsive every time she has intitiated a conversation with me. 3 hours ago, smackie9 said: OK so she looks interested and may have instantiate some contact. Me personally would never date a coworker is a pain, and things go wrong real bad. OP do you like this girl? If you do and you are a risk taker, just get her number and ask her out. How do you suggest I go on about asking for her number? I guess it's crucial I make some small talk first, otherwise it might be a bit weird. Edited April 13, 2021 by 2000IU
Wiseman2 Posted April 13, 2021 Posted April 13, 2021 (edited) 27 minutes ago, 2000IU said: He knows her for many years. She has told him that she is diagnosed with BPD. I guess I will try make some small talk and see how she responds to that. She has been pretty flirty and responsive every time she has intitiated a conversation with me. You have to first be friendly. That means chitchat, small talk, etc. Do not ask for her number. Way too creepy. She may have a BF or simply misconstrue that as sexual harassment, don't go there. Just suggest lunch/coffee break at work, after some small talk. Women have to trust you and warm up to you first. First you think she has BPD (hearsay, you don't know this), then you think she's weird and stares and now you want to know how to ask her out? Confused. Can you clarify if you are interested in her? Why haven't you checked popular dating sites to see if she's in there? Is she on any other social media? What about your employer's social media page? Edited April 13, 2021 by Wiseman2
smackie9 Posted April 13, 2021 Posted April 13, 2021 (edited) Ya you chat with her a bit, then ask her out. If she says yes you ask for her number. Edited April 13, 2021 by smackie9 1
d0nnivain Posted April 13, 2021 Posted April 13, 2021 (edited) 33 minutes ago, 2000IU said: How do you suggest I go on about asking for her number? I guess it's crucial I make some small talk first, otherwise it might be a bit weird. Just talk to her. Say something like after all these years of working together, I was wondering if you'd like to grab a drink / coffee after work? See what she says. If she agrees to go with you for a beverage ask for her # when you are at the bar / coffee shop. Edited April 13, 2021 by d0nnivain 1
basil67 Posted April 13, 2021 Posted April 13, 2021 3 hours ago, 2000IU said: I think the problem is that I've been acting very disinterested and also been avoiding her. Despite that she's been trying to start conversations with me and has carried on showing interest. You've had some great advice about asking her out. However, two years of this behaviour on your part is going to give you a huge roadblock. Even if you were to become warm and friendly now, I don't know what it would take to overcome two years of you giving her the cold shoulder. 1
d0nnivain Posted April 13, 2021 Posted April 13, 2021 Just now, basil67 said: You've had some great advice about asking her out. However, two years of this behaviour on your part is going to give you a huge roadblock. Even if you were to become warm and friendly now, I don't know what it would take to overcome two years of you giving her the cold shoulder. I don't think it will take much. This woman has been hanging around with her nose pressed up to the proverbial glass for 2 years. She doesn't seem to have much self esteem. The slightest effort from him will have her eating out of his hands. The problems will come when the bad parts of her borderline personality disorder come out & are directed at him.
MsJayne Posted April 13, 2021 Posted April 13, 2021 In a work environment I would find this downright rude. If she does it to other people perhaps she can't help it, (especially given the diagnoses handed down by your resident unqualified mental health assessor), but it's still rude. And creepy. Are you sure you'd like to ask her out? Today's starer could be tomorrow's stalker. 1
Commongoal123 Posted April 14, 2021 Posted April 14, 2021 Dude don't do it. I made that mistake. Twice. Best sex of my life in exchange for ruining my life.
Interstellar Posted April 14, 2021 Posted April 14, 2021 Don’t believe anything your coworker told you because he could be a blocker or simply jealous. Ask her out.
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