Someone I've been chatting with for a while on a dating app hid weight gain. Now what?

[Ami1uwant]

During this Covid year many have gained weight in the area of 20-30 pounds

[spiderowl]

She was silly not to be straight with you from the start.  She probably thought you would not date her if she had put on weight - and she was right!

People complain about being deceived if the person they are chatting to is overweight.  If they have lied outright and not mentioned that they have gained some weight, then maybe they are being deceptive, but being a certain weight is not a contract one makes when dating!  If you think it is, you should say so from the start, say how important a slim body is to you so that she knows she will have no chance if she puts on weight.  It gives any woman a clear idea of your values and that no amount of chatting and sharing will make any difference.

Appearance is very personal.  She will be very hurt if you complain she deceived you because she gained weight.  What would be the point of doing that - to hurt her?  You already know she would be hurt.  Wanting to hurt her would basically mean you wanted revenge. Is that what you want?

You can let her know you've changed your mind and don't need to give a reason.  If she queries it, you could say you are chatting to someone else.

 

[dramafreezone]

3 minutes ago, spiderowl said:

being a certain weight is not a contract one makes when dating!  If you think it is, you should say so from the start, say how important a slim body is to you so that she knows she will have no chance if she puts on weight.  It gives any woman a clear idea of your values and that no amount of chatting and sharing will make any difference.

Appearance is very personal.  She will be very hurt if you complain she deceived you because she gained weight.  What would be the point of doing that - to hurt her?  You already know she would be hurt.  Wanting to hurt her would basically mean you wanted revenge. Is that what you want?

You can let her know you've changed your mind and don't need to give a reason.  If she queries it, you could say you are chatting to someone else.

 

The contract is that you are the person that you initially presented in the first photos.  When she shared the new photos, that was a breach of contract.

You're blaming him for not saying upfront that he doesn't want overweight women? 

People are trying to make the OP feel bad when he did nothing wrong, it was 100% on her.

[spiderowl]

4 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

The contract is that you are the person that you initially presented in the first photos.  When she shared the new photos, that was a breach of contract.

You're blaming him for not saying upfront that he doesn't want overweight women? 

People are trying to make the OP feel bad when he did nothing wrong, it was 100% on her.

I agree she should have updated him about having weight gain, but other than that one would not suppose that weight was the sole determinant of attraction.  It is for some and if they are so keen to have someone slim, it is best to say so upfront because most people's weight does vary over time.

I am not trying to make him feel bad except perhaps that he should be clear with women if weight change is going to be a problem for him.  Some guys would not mind.

I am surprised at another poster saying that many women will accept less than appealing looks in a guy if he has other factors in his favour but for a man the way a female looks is the most important factor.  That is quite astonishing!  It implies men are truly shallow when it comes to dating.

The OP has not done anything wrong but there is no need to be cruel to the woman either.

 

[dramafreezone]

26 minutes ago, spiderowl said:

I agree she should have updated him about having weight gain, but other than that one would not suppose that weight was the sole determinant of attraction.  It is for some and if they are so keen to have someone slim, it is best to say so upfront because most people's weight does vary over time.

I am not trying to make him feel bad except perhaps that he should be clear with women if weight change is going to be a problem for him.  Some guys would not mind.

I am surprised at another poster saying that many women will accept less than appealing looks in a guy if he has other factors in his favour but for a man the way a female looks is the most important factor.  That is quite astonishing!  It implies men are truly shallow when it comes to dating.

The OP has not done anything wrong but there is no need to be cruel to the woman either.

 

Guys are shallow, at least in terms of what attracts us initially and for casual dating.  Women put a tremendous amount of time and effort into their appearance for this very reason, because ultimately most understand what men respond to.   But I think that makes it easier for you.  Looks are subjective, so you don't have to be a supermodel.  If you just do the best with what you have and search long enough someone will find you attractive.

Guys seem to accept what women are attracted to; status, confidence, competitiveness, ambition, wealth.  Those aren't the set of values that guys want from women. 

For a woman, is she attractive to me (beceause again, looks are subjective) and is she nice?  You check those two boxes you're golden, everything else is a bonus.

To circle back around to the OP's match, if she just accepted that someone will find her attractive, if she's nice it's just a matter of finding that guy.  She lied though, so fails the "nice" test.

Edited April 14, 2021 by dramafreezone

[spiderowl]

20 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Guys are shallow, at least in terms of what attracts us initially and for casual dating.  Women put a tremendous amount of time and effort into their appearance for this very reason, because ultimately most understand what men respond to.   But I think that makes it easier for you.  Looks are subjective, so you don't have to be a supermodel.  If you just do the best with what you have and search long enough someone will find you attractive.

Guys seem to accept what women are attracted to; status, confidence, competitiveness, ambition, wealth.  Those aren't the set of values that guys want from women. 

For a woman, is she attractive to me (beceause again, looks are subjective) and is she nice?  You check those two boxes you're golden, everything else is a bonus.

To circle back around to the OP's match, if she just accepted that someone will find her attractive, if she's nice it's just a matter of finding that guy.  She lied though, so fails the "nice" test.

Women are equally shallow regarding looks too.  I'm surprised that men don't realise that.  The guys who think their looks won't matter and don't bother will find themselves out of the loop.  I don't think one can ascribe these shallow tendencies only to men.

Back to the original question, the OP has decided he does not want this woman because she misled him - which is fair enough.  It is worth mentioning though that there are many men who like 'curvy' and 'cuddly' women, so it is best for him to state his preferences.  I know a few very 'cuddly' women in my social circle who have rarely been without an adoring boyfriend.  If only the OP's contact realised that she just needs to be honest and she will find admirers.

Edited April 14, 2021 by spiderowl

[SaraSays]

I think it's always the right thing to do, to simply let the other person know you don't think you both are a good match for each other (in either direction) and wish them well, assuming nothing untoward has happened. Plenty of others wouldn't mind the thing about them that bothers us.

I struggle with the idea of this being branded as intentionally deceptive, without hearing her perspective.

It has become common place over the last decade for image manipulation to be used on corporate headshots even, which I still find as bizarre as the first time my colleague told me their headshots would take up to 2 weeks to be sent out for approval, because of the additional work being done to them.

When I see the photos colleagues upload to any tool where they fill out a profile, or where they are using a pic to convey something, the pic's are always manipulated in some way. I've yet to see anyone post a raw pic.

I had a colleague who I only knew from chatting on the phone, and having seen his profile pic on a system, and I recall being quietly astounded when we met in person a year or so later, as the profile pic he was using was very old.

I have older male colleagues who try to adopt the dresscode of anyone considered to be young and vibrant in the business sphere, and people who've known them a long time always comment on it, because they look so uncomfortable with every dramatic transition, and it spreads like wildfire amongst those who share the same insecurities.

I'd guess a lot of people are in denial about changes in their appearance that people at-large and in product advertising perceive as negative changes - gaining weight, getting older, not caring about makeup, not smiling 24 hours a day, wearing comfortable, or practical, clothing...

I will also say that, any time a friend has shown me their profile on a dating site, it's always a performance, always window-dressing, and never a true representation of who they are. There's no mention of their ups and downs, no mention of their awful characteristics, no mention of the annoying habits they have, no mention of their stubbornness or laziness, no mention of negative aspects of them that come up from-time-to-time, and so on... They pick reams of supposedly-positive characteristics they associate themselves with, which no living person is all of the time.

Aren't people posing in photos deceiving us? Aren't non-smiley people smiling in photos deceiving us? Isn't it all marketing of some sort?

[NYAG]

On 4/12/2021 at 10:47 PM, max3732 said:

We've been chatting off and on for several months now. She was taking a while to respond since she said she's not on the app very often and I'd take a few days responding too. Now that I'm going to be fully vaccinated soon I asked for her # and was thinking about planning on meeting up with her (she lives about an hour away).

When I got her number she sent me a picture with her new pet and she looked nothing like her pictures. She said she's gained about 40 lbs since she took the pictures due to a medication. I'd feel guilty telling her "you've gained so much weight I don't find you attractive anymore" and she said she's gone through some emotional difficulty with losing close relatives so I don't want to hurt her feelings. She told me another guy told her he still found her pretty but then went silent after a couple more messages and she wondered if her weight gain was the reason why.

Should I keep talking with her and then find another reason to let her know we're not a good match? I don't want to drive an hour to see someone when I know it's not going to work.

In my mind the simple fact of the matter is, you liked her personality and what you thought she looked like. You don't like what she looks like now. Several options. You liked the person, but if you're attracted to her now she has more weight, do you fancy her. There's no point in dating someone you don't fancy and then carrying on and dating them because you feel sorry for them, or you don't want to hurt their feelings. That's almost worse and definitely insulting. If the weight gain is due to medication, is that going to change? It sounds harsh but you need to have the full package that works for you and if you dont' like her as much now she has put on weight you can't force yourself to change the way you think. It sounds horrible but that's the way it is.

[Versacehottie]

2 hours ago, SaraSays said:

Isn't it all marketing of some sort?

It is 100%

Looks are just the first material fact to come out. 

The other ones reveal themselves over time.  And there are definitely facts that people don't disclose for fear of not getting their chance that should come out early on.  It's all marketing, especially the basic facts of a person's life.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, SaraSays said:

It has become common place over the last decade for image manipulation

"Airbrushing" and other photo modifications/improvements have been around for over half a century. But this is not about that. 

This is about someone who sadly, creates her own self fulfilling prophecy of rejection. Not because she's heavier or older but because she is not being honest with herself or others.

Agree in this case a simple "we're not a match" or not planning a meet would be best. 

[NYAG]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

"Airbrushing" and other photo modifications/improvements have been around for over half a century. But this is not about that. 

This is about someone who sadly, creates her own self fulfilling prophecy of rejection. Not because she's heavier or older but because she is not being honest with herself or others.

Agree in this case a simple "we're not a match" or not planning a meet would be best. 

I agree. That kind of dishonesty before you've even met someone in person isn't a great starter. I wouldn't entertain it.

[Noproblem]

Op, are you yourself a handsome fit person? 

If not, then don't be so picky and just meet her, weight is not everything in this world, and you two can lose the weight together,

this pandemic caused so many people to gain weight! It's not misleading, she put previous photos and now got new ones. She showed you how she looked now. You can still meet and then leave her afterward if you can't stand her during the meeting!

She is still the same person, she gained weight due to stress, sadness, whatever happened, she can still lose it, if you are  a perfect match, you can help each others!

Also, she might look way better in person, some people are not photogenic! 

 

 

Edited April 14, 2021 by Noproblem

[BrianK]

This has happened to me many times and I either ghost or call them out on it (and then ghost).  They only have themselves to blame for presenting you something they aren't.  One a couple summers ago had used old photos on her dating profile and then slowly started sending me pics of what she really looked like, [].

 

Nope, outta there.

 

She even had been posting the old photos on her facebook and was thanking people for telling her she looked good as they assumed she had lost all the weight, [].

Edited April 15, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Group berating/fat shaming

[introverted1]

How is it even remotely ok to use pictures that are 5 years old and that do not represent your current appearance in a profile you made recently?

If 5 years ago, I was gainfully employed but, since then, have been out of work and living in my mom's basement, would it be ok to have a profile that reflected my better days of 5 years ago?

How about if 5 years ago I was childless but I now have 3 kids under the age of 4?  Would it still be ok to use my 5-year-old info?

Yes, it's all marketing in that we try to put the best possible spin on ourselves, but when that spin crosses the line from truth to deceit, it's no longer accurate to call it "marketing."

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Yes, it's all marketing in that we try to put the best possible spin on ourselves, but when that spin crosses the line from truth to deceit, it's no longer accurate to call it "marketing."

So wait? Selling me a lemon isn't 'marketing' it's really a bait and switch?

[dramafreezone]

 

2 hours ago, Noproblem said:

Op, are you yourself a handsome fit person? 

If not, then don't be so picky and just meet her, weight is not everything in this world, and you two can lose the weight together,

this pandemic caused so many people to gain weight! It's not misleading, she put previous photos and now got new ones. She showed you how she looked now. You can still meet and then leave her afterward if you can't stand her during the meeting!

She is still the same person, she gained weight due to stress, sadness, whatever happened, she can still lose it, if you are  a perfect match, you can help each others!

Also, she might look way better in person, some people are not photogenic! 

 

 

It doesn't matter if he's handsome and fit.  All that matters is that he accurately represented himself in his photos.  He could be 400 lbs and still be justified in not talking to her any further.

The OP doesn't owe her his understanding, or to help her lose weight.   She needs to assume some personal responsibility for her apperance.  Or don't, just put the accurate photos up there and date the guys that don't mind more weight.  OP doesn't have any type of obligation to this woman, moral or otherwise.

[glows]

I don't think it needs to be an in-depth moral issue. It's too early at this stage and they hardly know one another. 

The likelihood that she knows what she's doing is not so great is high. She already made a comment that she suspected someone else ghosted her because of her looks or weight gain. 

There's no other explanation needed. Simply move along and see what else is out there.

[NYAG]

12 hours ago, Noproblem said:

Op, are you yourself a handsome fit person? 

If not, then don't be so picky and just meet her, weight is not everything in this world, and you two can lose the weight together,

this pandemic caused so many people to gain weight! It's not misleading, she put previous photos and now got new ones. She showed you how she looked now. You can still meet and then leave her afterward if you can't stand her during the meeting!

She is still the same person, she gained weight due to stress, sadness, whatever happened, she can still lose it, if you are  a perfect match, you can help each others!

Also, she might look way better in person, some people are not photogenic! 

 

 

I respectfully disagree with some of this. It's not about being picky. It's about what you are attracted to. There are certain things that turn me off a man and within my age group they are more likely to be attributes of any man but that doesn't mean I have to settle. If he likes her enough to want to work with her to 'improve herself' into the version of her that he wants her to be then so be it, but maybe he doesn't, and as I have said before, if you start off your dating life with someone who lied about what they were like, that doesn't bode well to me.