Someone I've been chatting with for a while on a dating app hid weight gain. Now what?

[introverted1]

 

54 minutes ago, max3732 said:

She knows she misled me but doesn't seem to realize that it was a problem or is making me feel guilty into viewing that as a problem. Her pictures on her dating profile look totally different from what just sent me. She said those were from 2016 before she started taking the meds.

When I first read your original post, I thought the 40 pounds were since you two started talking, but this paints a clearer picture.  This is a deceitful woman who is deliberately using pictures from FIVE years ago to mask her current appearance. Even without weight gain, no one should be using five-year-old pics online.  Least of all someone who has gained 40 pounds and likely more.

Quote

I think it's up to me to go with either the ghosting or single message letting her know we're not a match.

Yeah, just let her know you're not a match. 

[d0nnivain]

2 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Even without weight gain, no one should be using five-year-old pics online.  Least of all someone who has gained 40 pounds and likely more.

Yeah, just let her know you're not a match. 

5 year old pictures are problematic but the OP doesn't need to call her out.  Just be done.  Don't be hurtful.  

[introverted1]

1 minute ago, d0nnivain said:

5 year old pictures are problematic but the OP doesn't need to call her out.  Just be done.  Don't be hurtful.  

Not sure why you are quoting me with this admonition? I clearly said he should just tell her she's not a match. 

[max3732]

54 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

 

Since the OP said the woman told him she gained 40 pounds between the time she posted pictures on the dating app & the more recent photo she sent him in anticipation of meeting, I don't see mean spirited deception.  I see somebody who didn't update the photo.  Granted not updated photos from 4 years ago is a problem.   I don't think she was actively trying to be deceptive but she probably doesn't feel good about the weight gain. 

Again the OP doesn't have to go out with her but there is no point in affirmatively going out of his way to hurt her feelings.  Rejecting her is enough.  Don't be cruel. 

@max3732 Just say that things in your life have changed & you have decided you are not interested in meeting her.  Wish her well & be done.   It's the truth but what she doesn't need to know is that what changed in your life is the fact that you have now seen a current photo of her & no longer find her attractive.  You are allowed to feel that way.  Just don't hurt her more by telling her it's her weight.  She knows.   

To me the deception is using 5 year old pics where she looks totally different and then not showing me a recent pic until I was trying to make plans to meet up after messaging for a while. Something else I should specify is that her dating profile isn't 5 years old. She had just made it prior to when we started chatting.

While we were chatting we seemed to get along well and I explained a lot about me and she seemed interested so I was looking forward to meeting her. To her credit she shared the recent picture before we met in person, which was probably because she wanted to see how I reacted to the weight gain.

[d0nnivain]

@max3732 I agree with you.  Just be done but don't be cruel.  

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Lying is never okay, but it should make a difference that she probably did it out of extreme fear of rejection. Unless she did something very brutal, a simple goodbye would be the best thing to do to tie things up and move on. 

[redacted]

Edited April 14, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
doesn't address first post

[dramafreezone]

On 4/12/2021 at 2:47 PM, max3732 said:

We've been chatting off and on for several months now. She was taking a while to respond since she said she's not on the app very often and I'd take a few days responding too. Now that I'm going to be fully vaccinated soon I asked for her # and was thinking about planning on meeting up with her (she lives about an hour away).

When I got her number she sent me a picture with her new pet and she looked nothing like her pictures. She said she's gained about 40 lbs since she took the pictures due to a medication. I'd feel guilty telling her "you've gained so much weight I don't find you attractive anymore" and she said she's gone through some emotional difficulty with losing close relatives so I don't want to hurt her feelings. She told me another guy told her he still found her pretty but then went silent after a couple more messages and she wondered if her weight gain was the reason why.

Should I keep talking with her and then find another reason to let her know we're not a good match? I don't want to drive an hour to see someone when I know it's not going to work.

I have zero sympathy for people that do that.  Some know the right angles to take wih OLD pics, or use old pics.

Just ghost her dude.  It's really pretty disrespectful when you think about it.  She didn't think you deserved to know the full truth about her.   That doesn't translate into good relationship stuff.  You think that would change later down the line?

She didn't think you deserved the truth, she doesn't deserve a second more of your time.

Edited April 13, 2021 by dramafreezone

[MsJayne]

40lb is not a small amount of weight, it's a significant change in appearance. It makes her profile photos a lie, and, if she has functioning eyes, she is fully aware of the deception. Perhaps she needs someone to be kind enough to be honest with her and just say, "Look, you seem like a nice person, but I'm not attracted to cuddlier ladies and I feel you mislead me. Sorry. Bye."  Hopefully she will learn a lesson about treating others like fools. A lot of women use misleading photos on date sites, (and a few men too), and it demonstrates a lack of integrity, it's deceitful and manipulative, and those traits are ugly even if they're encased in a supermodel body. 

[glows]

1 hour ago, max3732 said:

To me the deception is using 5 year old pics where she looks totally different and then not showing me a recent pic until I was trying to make plans to meet up after messaging for a while. Something else I should specify is that her dating profile isn't 5 years old. She had just made it prior to when we started chatting.

While we were chatting we seemed to get along well and I explained a lot about me and she seemed interested so I was looking forward to meeting her. To her credit she shared the recent picture before we met in person, which was probably because she wanted to see how I reacted to the weight gain.

I wouldn't ghost her based on the photo issue though. It's her insecurity overall with herself. The comments combined with the passive aggressiveness or manipulation of it (even though I know it's likely borne out of hurt/pain or not feeling good about one's self) wouldn't feel good to me. 

If I flipped it around and this was a man I'd not want to meet this man because I just don't feel good about the whole situation. A person should feel secure with him/herself before going out into the dating world. 

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh. I think you should block and delete. There's no reason to drag this out longer or meet her in person. I think that would be worse if you are not attracted to her or don't feel good about it.

[Dis]

I would tell her the truth, kindly 

 

What she's doing is wrong and if I were you I'd want to be honest about how I felt and if it hurts her she should've thought about that before she decided to be deceive you and then manipulate you into continuing on because of this or that 'sad' reason 

 

I went on a date with a guy who was at least 50lbs heavier than his profile pics, was now bald and had the most arrogant, disgusting personality I had encountered in a date and to this day I still regret not being honest with him about how misleading he was and walking out upon meeting 

[Trail Blazer]

4 hours ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

Lying is never okay, but it should make a difference that she probably did it out of extreme fear of rejection. Unless she did something very brutal, a simple goodbye would be the best thing to do to tie things up and move on. 

 

I don't disagree that a simple message stating that the OP is no longer interested is probably the right thing to do.

[redactecd]

Edited April 14, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
response to removed content

[Angelle]

5 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

DO NOT tell her that the weight is the reason that you are no longer interested.  That would be so rude and cruel.  People tell little white lies all the time in situations like this.  It's time for a little white lie.  Make up some excuse, like that you met someone else and you are no longer interested in meeting.  Or maybe "I've decided that I'm not ready to date right now."  That's a classic one.  

And then just put a clean end to this. You have never met this person, you don't owe her anything.

This. 

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

Lessons have to hurt.  I prefer ghosting in this instance because she won't know exactly why he ghosted.  She'll likely believe it was for the weight, but maybe it was just because she lied, so maybe she can at least work on honesty with the next guy.

I'm sorry that's just mean.  She lied about her weight, she didn't intentionally set out to hurt him or cause him pain, like you are suggesting he do to her by ghosting. 

My guess is she lied because she is insecure about her weight gain and believed (correctly as it turns out) that max would be turned off by it.  

Personally, I do not consider lying about weight a major deception [redacted]

If you're turned off max, then don't meet her, period.  It is not necessary to teach her any sort of "lesson" by ghosting, not that it even would.  

Not your job, you've never even met her.

My advice is always behave with integrity even if you believe others are not.  Text her you are not interested in pursuing further, and wish her well.  Then block.

Like I said in previous post, you do not owe her a reason.  But you do owe it to yourself to behave kindly and with integrity by telling her you are no longer interested versus ghosting and leaving her wondering what happened and if she will ever hear from you again.

 

 

Edited April 14, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
response to removed content

[Dis]

Just now, Angelle said:

Would you want a guy to reject her because of her weight? 

So because someone is overweight that means no one is allowed to reject them? 

 

Everyone has their preferences and if someone isn't attracted to someone who is overweight...that's perfectly fine!

 

We're not shaming anyone for their weight but that doesn't mean we're obligated to date an overweight person we're not attracted to, especially after they lied about it

[dramafreezone]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I'm sorry that's just flat out mean.  She lied about her weight, she didn't intentionally set out to hurt him or cause him pain, like you are suggesting he do to her by ghosting. 

My guess is she lied because she is insecure about her weight gain and believed (correctly as it turns out) that max would be turned off by it.  

Personally, I do not consider lying about weight a major deception, [redacted]

If you're turned off max, then don't meet her, period.  It is not necessary to teach her any sort of "lesson" by ghosting, not that it even would.  

Not your job, you've never even met her.

My advice is always behave with integrity even if you believe others are not.  Text her you are not interested in pursuing further, and wish her well.  Then block.

Like I said in previous post, you do not owe her a reason.  But you do owe it to yourself to behave kindly and with integrity by telling her you are no longer interested versus ghosting and leaving her thinking godonlyknowswhat.

 

 

If she didn't think it were a major issue, then she wouldn't have concealed it.  And quite honestly a lot of overweight women get plenty of dates, so it was unnecessary.  She didn't respect that guy enough to even give him the option to choose right off the bat.  I don't get the point in lying about height or weight.  The other person is going to find out eventually.

She didn't *care* whether he knew or not at first.  It's a complete disregard for what he wanted, instead it's all about what she wanted.   She wasted his time, which is the biggest offense to me. 

She doesn't deserve a second more of his effort or time, IMO.  He's not intentionally doing anything to her, because ghosting doesn't require any action.

Edited April 14, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[poppyfields]

5 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

If she didn't think it were a major issue, then she wouldn't have concealed it. 

My sense (and I could be wrong) is she concealed her true weight because of insecurity, just as some men conceal their true height out of insecurity.

It wasn't an "intentional infliction of emotional distress" (legal lingo lol) like him ghosting her would be.

There is just no reason for it, when he could easily send a text telling her he's no longer interested.

I am not sure where people got the idea that ghosting someone is the correct thing to do.

 

 

Edited April 13, 2021 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

If she deceived you in order to exploit or manipulate you in some way—that person has shown a complete disregard for your emotional well-being—so do you really owe her an explanation? Or, a hasty departure without explanation?

Next time, bear in mind that most people fudge a little bit when it comes to online dating – some more than others. All you can do is learn to be a better detective so you can avoid similar situations in the future.

[Dis]

I don't think ghosting is the answer

 

But I still think he should tell her the truth in a kind way even though it will sting

 

She even mentioned to OP she didn't know if the last dude who ghosted her did so because of her misrepresenting her weight.....maybe a little dose of kindly put truth would help put the pieces together for her and give her the motivation to update her profile pics. It would also give OP a voice in all this after he was mislead, however innocently enough. 

 

Tbh, it's kind of silly to use profile pics from years ago. Shows a level of deception and laziness. When I do OLD. I use all new pics, a lot of them and a wide variety of them. None of them have weird angles or filters. 

[dramafreezone]

6 minutes ago, Dis said:

I don't think ghosting is the answer

 

But I still think he should tell her the truth in a kind way even though it will sting

 

She even mentioned to OP she didn't know if the last dude who ghosted her did so because of her misrepresenting her weight.....maybe a little dose of kindly put truth would help put the pieces together for her and give her the motivation to update her profile pics. It would also give OP a voice in all this after he was mislead, however innocently enough. 

 

Tbh, it's kind of silly to use profile pics from years ago. Shows a level of deception and laziness. When I do OLD. I use all new pics, a lot of them and a wide variety of them. None of them have weird angles or filters. 

Well that's because you care not just about yourself, but also about the potential guys you'd be dating.  You feel you owe them an accurate representation of yourself at least.  It goes hand in hand with respect and honesty, how we show up in the relationship.

Do we think that people that can't even be bothered to upload new photos or accurately represent themselves translates into someone that's reliable, or accountable?

Edited April 14, 2021 by dramafreezone

[poppyfields]

 

I do give this woman credit though, for sending max a true depiction of herself before they met.  Given she had gained 40 lbs, I would imagine that was not an easy thing to do.  The right thing, but not an easy thing.

Edited April 14, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
response to removed content

[Trail Blazer]

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Amen brother.

I do give this woman credit though, for sending max a true depiction of herself before they met.  Given she had gained 40 lbs, I would imagine that was not an easy thing to do.  The right thing, but not an easy thing.

Nah, I think it was still a form of bait and switch.  She was just trying to appear truthful when in actual fact she was still concealing information which, had the OP known at an earlier period, would have potentially changed the course of their on-line encounter.

OP's match was hoping that her and OP could develop a rapport and that if OP felt a connection with her, that it wouldn't matter what she looked like when he found out the truth. 

The problem with some women is that they delude themselves into thinking that looks shouldn't matter if they can develop a connection in a different way.  Women can be attracted to men who aren't that physically attractive if they have other attributes that women find attractive.  

Men, on the other hand, don't have the same scope to see attraction beyond looks themselves.  What I mean to say is, without looks, anything else attractive about a woman is irrelevant.  Men need sexual attraction in the physical sense more than women do.  

[Gaeta]

20 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I do give this woman credit though, for sending max a true depiction of herself before they met. 

Who knows, maybe it was still not a true picture of her and she gained 60lbs not 40lbs.

When people lie about things like this, they also lie about other things, then it's a lie about work, their earnings, their exs. 

[dramafreezone]

21 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

Nah, I think it was still a form of bait and switch.  She was just trying to appear truthful when in actual fact she was still concealing information which, had the OP known at an earlier period, would have potentially changed the course of their on-line encounter.

OP's match was hoping that her and OP could develop a rapport and that if OP felt a connection with her, that it wouldn't matter what she looked like when he found out the truth. 

The problem with some women is that they delude themselves into thinking that looks shouldn't matter if they can develop a connection in a different way.  Women can be attracted to men who aren't that physically attractive if they have other attributes that women find attractive.  

Men, on the other hand, don't have the same scope to see attraction beyond looks themselves.  What I mean to say is, without looks, anything else attractive about a woman is irrelevant.  Men need sexual attraction in the physical sense more than women do.  

This is what is what I find so disrespectful.

It's as if she's trying to dictate what he should be attracted to.  Forget it if this guy likes slimmer women, he's getting me, and he better like it. 

If she cared about what guys wanted, she would've been upfront and just matched with the guys that would take her as is.  She doesn't think she has to play by the same rules as everyone else.

Same thing as if a guy misrepresented his status.  He takes photos in some expensive house, with a Bugatti, and she finds out that he lives with his parents in a single-bedroom and he has a bicycle, while he didn't actually *say* he lived in that house or that was his car, she's going to feel like she's been had.  Not saying that women are materialistic, but I think most women are attracted to the type of ambition it takes to earn things like that.

Edited April 14, 2021 by dramafreezone

[poppyfields]

11 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Who knows, maybe it was still not a true picture of her and she gained 60lbs not 40lbs.

When people lie about things like this, they also lie about other things, then it's a lie about work, their earnings, their exs. 

That's very true.  I am envisioning myself in this type of scenario, and I do think it would be very difficult to trust that person to be truthful going forward, assuming the weight (or whatever the person had lied about) didn't bother them.

That said, I am also a compassionate person, and understand the insecurities that might cause someone to lie in the first place, especially re one's weight, height, age for example.

I think if I ever do OLDing again, I will do it like Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks in "You've Got Mail," and meet blind. lol

I did something called "Dating in the Dark" once, I don't have time to get into it now but sometimes I think the exchange of pics ruins things, it causes one to create an image of the person based on pics, then when you meet in person, the energy/chemistry isn't there, the image dies and all those pics ended up being for naught.

 

 

 

Edited April 14, 2021 by poppyfields

[Shining One]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I am not sure where people got the idea that ghosting someone is the correct thing to do.

There have been many discussions about this over the years. Several posters have indicated that being ghosted is their preferred method of rejection.

I'm guessing max doesn't know what this woman's preferences are, so he has a potentially tough decision to make.