Someone I've been chatting with for a while on a dating app hid weight gain. Now what?

[max3732]

We've been chatting off and on for several months now. She was taking a while to respond since she said she's not on the app very often and I'd take a few days responding too. Now that I'm going to be fully vaccinated soon I asked for her # and was thinking about planning on meeting up with her (she lives about an hour away).

When I got her number she sent me a picture with her new pet and she looked nothing like her pictures. She said she's gained about 40 lbs since she took the pictures due to a medication. I'd feel guilty telling her "you've gained so much weight I don't find you attractive anymore" and she said she's gone through some emotional difficulty with losing close relatives so I don't want to hurt her feelings. She told me another guy told her he still found her pretty but then went silent after a couple more messages and she wondered if her weight gain was the reason why.

Should I keep talking with her and then find another reason to let her know we're not a good match? I don't want to drive an hour to see someone when I know it's not going to work.

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, max3732 said:

I'd feel guilty telling her "you've gained so much weight I don't find you attractive anymore" and she said she's gone through some emotional difficulty with losing close relatives so I don't want to hurt her feelings.

Ok, since you never met, just don't meet. In this case simply say you're talking to and meeting others and are pursuing that. 

[Calmandfocused]

Dude, this woman mislead you. If anyone deserves to feel guilty it’s her.

She knows that you will unattracted by her weight gain. She’s feeding you the sob stories to manipulate you into meeting her.

She’s only got herself to blame because she was not honest in the irst place.

Meet her only if you’re interested in dating her still. Don’t meet her out of obligation. 

Edited April 16, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed Extra Spaces

[Gaeta]

No matter how she presents it to you, she mislead you. Yes it's sad she's taking  meds that made her gain weight + the emotional turmoil BUT she still mislead you. 

I would tell her you wished she had been honest from the start, the trust is broken and you do not wish to pursue and good luck. 

 

[Fletch Lives]

You don't know her or her attitude. If you tell her, she might lash out at you. This is why people ghost or disappear.

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

If you tell her, she might lash out at you. 

He than hang up. 

[Fletch Lives]

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

He than hang up. 

Yeah, but then he hears that junk and it does not always go away, you don't always forget. Why risk conflict from strangers? I say move on and talk to another lady. Sanity and a good attitude is very important in dating and in life. I say avoid as much drama as you can - especially from strangers.

I hate to say this, but dating is the worlds' biggest cat-and-mouse game. I don't like it but this is reality. And if you try to buck reality, you make things harder on yourself and invite rejection and pain. I suggest making dating easier rather than harder.

[Gaeta]

@Fletch Lives you are a kinder person. She mislead him for months. I would not let ger off without telling her.

[Andy_K]

Ask her if she plans on losing the 40lbs. If she says no, you can call things off on the grounds of different values with respect to health/appearance. If she blows up at you, then she's not emotionally in a stable enough place for a relationship. If she says yes, then you need to decide if you want to give it a chance. Where she's going is more important than where she is right now.

[d0nnivain]

14 hours ago, max3732 said:

Should I keep talking with her and then find another reason to let her know we're not a good match? I don't want to drive an hour to see someone when I know it's not going to work.

The on & off chatting for several months plus what you consider too much distance, 1 hour, this was going no where anyhow.  Just fade away.  You have never met.  There is no need to keep in touch.  

 

6 minutes ago, Andy_K said:

Ask her if she plans on losing the 40lbs. I

Do NOT do this.  It's cruel.  If she gained weight from medication she might not be able to take it off.  If she gained weight from Covid, she may not be motivated to take it off.  To have some random guy, the OP, who she has never met point out this weight gain is mean & judgmental.  There is no need to make her feel worse.  

@max3732 It's fine that you are no longer attracted to her but please do not rub salt in the wound by fat shaming her.  

FWIW I don't think she deceived you.   She just changed.  I read somewhere that the average person gained 40 pounds due to lockdowns.  Between the lack of exercise opportunities & comfort eating, I believe that.  Don't make anybody feel worse about themselves.  Rejection is hard enough.  Be kind by not being pointed.   She will know it was her weight.  You don't need to tell her.  

[chillii]

lf your not interested any more but don't wanna mention the weight just come up with an excuse and of you go .

[trident_2020]

Happened to me once.. when I first got into the whole online dating thing back in 2006 when my marriage ended.

Met this girl, we chatted online, by phone, really got to know one another. She "didn't know how" to upload a picture but she'd get around to asking a friend to help her. Well that never happened, and I expressed concerns, tactfully that I was concerned she might not be my type physically. She assured me she was a real hottie, guys constantly trying to pick her up when she was out with friends, etc. But she was saving herself for me. She lived in the next state over, 3.5 hours away.

We made plans to meet but I insisted on a picture first. She finally says ok I got a picture ready to send- via what was then AOL or Yahoo Instant Messenger, I forget which but I know it was dialup and a slow connection.

The picture slowly unscrolls from top down..nice top of head, wow really nice eyes, pretty face.. ..and then a very large body

It was in that split second that I realized not only how deceiving others can be, but how vulnerable I was to self deception, rationalization and ignoring red flags that were waving in the heavy wind for 3 months straight. It's why to this day when I read about long distance relationships between people who have never met, or people on dating sites who chat endlessly without a first meetup scheduled, I shake my head and advise them to change it up or expect disappointment. And I've had several of those over the years with first dates who show up and are 20 years older and 50 lbs heavier than the person I thought I was chatting with.

Anyway- I got really quiet. She was like "what's wrong, you don't like my picture?" [redacted]  I pretty much went dark on her after that, she made a few attempts to contact me, ask me if I was still coming that weekend, I said no, I realized that the drive was too long, etc etc.

Don't waste your time with messed up people who lie and expect their award winning personality to make up for their deception and lack of attractiveness.

Either be straight with them which is admittedly difficult and who wants the potential backlash, or make a lame excuse or just ghost them.

 

 

Edited April 14, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
offensive

[Wiseman2]

Ghost. While not recommended, in this particular case it may be the only diplomatic exit.

[trident_2020]

Why is ghosting a person who deceived you and wasted your time for weeks or months or more "not recommended"?

You owe them NOTHING.

 

[d0nnivain]

Ghosting is "not recommended" because it's equivocal & kind of mean.  Just say no thanks & move along . That way the person knows it's over & they aren't wondering.  

[Versacehottie]

*Waited way too long to meet.

*I'm SURE there are vital things that she doesn't know about you yet; that might be dealbreakers for her.

*It's just one date; not a big deal to go and not a big deal to pull the plug

[smackie9]

16 hours ago, max3732 said:

We've been chatting off and on for several months now. She was taking a while to respond since she said she's not on the app very often and I'd take a few days responding too. Now that I'm going to be fully vaccinated soon I asked for her # and was thinking about planning on meeting up with her (she lives about an hour away).

When I got her number she sent me a picture with her new pet and she looked nothing like her pictures. She said she's gained about 40 lbs since she took the pictures due to a medication. I'd feel guilty telling her "you've gained so much weight I don't find you attractive anymore" and she said she's gone through some emotional difficulty with losing close relatives so I don't want to hurt her feelings. She told me another guy told her he still found her pretty but then went silent after a couple more messages and she wondered if her weight gain was the reason why.

Should I keep talking with her and then find another reason to let her know we're not a good match? I don't want to drive an hour to see someone when I know it's not going to work.

No. Whatever excuses or whatever she is dealing with is on her. She purposely deceived you for emotional attention. She knew exactly what she was doing. You owe her nothing. Just tell her you are no longer interested and leave it at that.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Treat her the same way you would want your own daughter to be treated. A simple "Thanks, but I've changed my mind." would be better than ghosting. 

[Alpacalia]

The trust is already broken.

Perhaps it's best to repeat what GeorgiaPeach 1 said and then block all further contact if she attempts to further communicate with you.

[ShyViolet]

DO NOT tell her that the weight is the reason that you are no longer interested.  That would be so rude and cruel.  People tell little white lies all the time in situations like this.  It's time for a little white lie.  Make up some excuse, like that you met someone else and you are no longer interested in meeting.  Or maybe "I've decided that I'm not ready to date right now."  That's a classic one.  

And then just put a clean end to this. You have never met this person, you don't owe her anything.

[flitzanu]

unless i'm reading wrong, it sounds like she KNOWS she misled you about the pictures and weight gain.  that's on her, and not your place to find some diplomatic way to back out because she was lying.

[max3732]

1 hour ago, flitzanu said:

unless i'm reading wrong, it sounds like she KNOWS she misled you about the pictures and weight gain.  that's on her, and not your place to find some diplomatic way to back out because she was lying.

She knows she misled me but doesn't seem to realize that it was a problem or is making me feel guilty into viewing that as a problem. Her pictures on her dating profile look totally different from what just sent me. She said those were from 2016 before she started taking the meds. 

Part of me felt like saying "you should have current pictures", but again it seems like she's an emotional wreck right now and I don't want to make things worse. Basically I want to end things without putting her through any more problems. 

I think it's up to me to go with either the ghosting or single message letting her know we're not a match. 

Even if she were going to lose the weight and go back to looking like in 2016 I don't like the fact she talked to me so long without being honest about the change. It's almost like it's not the action itself but the coverup. I think I mainly feel sorry for her and think she needs a friend right now more than someone to date.

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, max3732 said:

She knows she misled me but doesn't seem to realize that it was a problem or is making me feel guilty into viewing that as a problem.

She's probably been rejected a lot, hence the fake pics. Just bow out of this without adding more rejection in her track record.

It's her friends' job to clue her in that being fake on profiles backfires. Not your job. Tell her you are talking to and meeting local women, then block.

[d0nnivain]

21 hours ago, max3732 said:

She said she's gained about 40 lbs since she took the pictures due to a medication.

 

1 hour ago, flitzanu said:

 it sounds like she KNOWS she misled you about the pictures and weight gain.  that's on her, and not your place to find some diplomatic way to back out because she was lying.

Since the OP said the woman told him she gained 40 pounds between the time she posted pictures on the dating app & the more recent photo she sent him in anticipation of meeting, I don't see mean spirited deception.  I see somebody who didn't update the photo.  Granted not updated photos from 4 years ago is a problem.   I don't think she was actively trying to be deceptive but she probably doesn't feel good about the weight gain. 

Again the OP doesn't have to go out with her but there is no point in affirmatively going out of his way to hurt her feelings.  Rejecting her is enough.  Don't be cruel. 

@max3732 Just say that things in your life have changed & you have decided you are not interested in meeting her.  Wish her well & be done.   It's the truth but what she doesn't need to know is that what changed in your life is the fact that you have now seen a current photo of her & no longer find her attractive.  You are allowed to feel that way.  Just don't hurt her more by telling her it's her weight.  She knows.   

[poppyfields]

19 minutes ago, max3732 said:

I think it's up to me to go with either the ghosting or single message letting her know we're not a match. 

I vote for bolded.   Just because others lack integrity that doesn't mean you should.

You don't even need to give a reason, simply tell her you're not interested in pursuing things further, wish her well, bye.

Then block to avoid unnecessary drama should she reply back asking questions.

Text is fine, you've never even met.

 

Edited April 13, 2021 by poppyfields