Findingme18 Posted April 12, 2021 Share Posted April 12, 2021 I got divorced after 23 years with the same man. I started with a FWB situation which turned out amazing and gave me what I needed at the time. No regrets. I’ve dipped my toes into dating. But I told the guy I wasn’t ready for a committed relationship, still not there I think, but just want to date, meet new people and have fun. Well that is what we’ve been doing. It’s been great for the past month. Up until this past week. I am all over the place emotionally about what I want and don’t want. Love time together and feeling like a woman again. Love spending time with someone who makes me laugh and is just a great person to be around. Now that he has started to pull away I find myself with all this self doubt and questions and am trying not to let it affect me so badly but truthfully it’s making me a hot mess. I need to find a group of woman that are my age, 40, that can relate to my situation and can share with me how they’ve handled this new life they find themselves in. Anyone?? Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted April 12, 2021 Share Posted April 12, 2021 I can relate. Go about your own pace. If this man is not right for you, let him go. The self-doubt will fade. Don't worry. One day at a time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Findingme18 Posted April 12, 2021 Author Share Posted April 12, 2021 10 hours ago, glows said: I can relate. Go about your own pace. If this man is not right for you, let him go. The self-doubt will fade. Don't worry. One day at a time. Thank you. Letting go seems to be easier said than done for me. I did do some self reflection and journaling last night which helped. I think it’s mostly self doubt talking to myself. He is getting ready for a three month work trip and I know he is busy and stressed getting ready for that so I am trying not to bother him and give him space to do what he needs. I figured the best way I can be a friend is to give him space and not add to his stress right now, so that is what I’m working on. Which is hell a hard. Haha 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted April 12, 2021 Share Posted April 12, 2021 18 minutes ago, Findingme18 said: Thank you. Letting go seems to be easier said than done for me. I did do some self reflection and journaling last night which helped. I think it’s mostly self doubt talking to myself. He is getting ready for a three month work trip and I know he is busy and stressed getting ready for that so I am trying not to bother him and give him space to do what he needs. I figured the best way I can be a friend is to give him space and not add to his stress right now, so that is what I’m working on. Which is hell a hard. Haha I was in your place one year ago. One moment I was this and another that. I'd get to know someone and then I'd fall apart or start crying about something I remembered in the marriage. One day was good and the next day I thought it would be a great accomplishment if I just made it to lunch time. Of course I knew I wasn't ready to meet anyone but the silences were difficult. Bit by bit, day by day, I grew to enjoy the quiet more and more. Journaling also helped me because it meant that I had a chance to put my thoughts down somewhere without burdening anyone else. I also wasn't comfortable talking at length about everything with anyone. At some point I had to walk away from each entry. One rule I had for myself was repetition. If I was going on and on past 2-3 sentences about one thing, I'd step away and get some air. The journal entries got shorter and shorter as the months went by and my ex-husband's name came up less and less. Things will get easier if you let it. If this friend of yours isn't all you're looking for in a relationship, there's no reason to hang on to it. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted April 12, 2021 Share Posted April 12, 2021 I'm a lot older than you, 56, but I also divorced after 23 years of marriage. It takes time to figure out your new life, the new you. I threw myself into all kinds of new hobbies. I found a niche that I really loved (local live music and the musician community) and started making a lot of friends, many who were single/divorced like me. I've had three relationships in the 6 years since I started the divorce process (My divorce has been final almost 5 years). The first was with a man who was separated from his wife of many years, I fell really hard for him and predictably it crashed and burned after 3 years. My next was a FWB situation that lasted a year, and for me it was great. It was with someone who is still a friend now, but for various reasons neither of us saw a long term relationship together. When I met someone I wanted to give a "real" relationship with a try, I ended the FWB. 16 months later I'm still in that relationship. The first two served a purpose for me (as I did for them), reminding me sex and romance are still there for me, and adjusting to being with someone other than a long term mate. The relationship I'm in now is about exploring being real partners in life as the people we are now, where our experiences have led us. I have no desire to ever marry again, but I do enjoy sharing life with someone special. How long have you been divorced? I really think time is the most important ingredient. It's good to actively DO things along the way (including journaling), but honestly it's just the time that helped me feel more grounded and stable again. If you had a traumatic experience in the marriage or divorce process it will take even longer. Mine wasn't that traumatic, but it still took several years to recalibrate. My friends, especially women, have been a huge help along the way. I was lucky to find other women at a similar stage of life to share the experience of figuring out who I am and what I want out of life now. Do you have any hobbies or interests that might provide opportunities to meet new friends that share your current situation? You'll know it when (or even if) you're ready to have more than just a FWB situation. Don't hold on to the one you have now just because you don't want to be alone. Allow things to either continue or fade naturally, don't hold on or agree to something more with him if it doesn't feel right. He's served a purpose in your life, but maybe that purpose is complete now and it's time to move on to the next phase. You don't have to know what that phase is right now, just stay open to new things and people, and pay attention to how you feel along the way. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted April 12, 2021 Share Posted April 12, 2021 29 minutes ago, FMW said: llow things to either continue or fade naturally, don't hold on or agree to something more with him if it doesn't feel right. He's served a purpose in your life, but maybe that purpose is complete now and it's time to move on to the next phase. You don't have to know what that phase is right now, just stay open to new things and people, and pay attention to how you feel along the way. I can't agree more with this. Beautifully said. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Findingme18 Posted April 12, 2021 Author Share Posted April 12, 2021 2 hours ago, FMW said: How long have you been divorced? I really think time is the most important ingredient. It's good to actively DO things along the way (including journaling), but honestly it's just the time that helped me feel more grounded and stable again. If you had a traumatic experience in the marriage or divorce process it will take even longer. Mine wasn't that traumatic, but it still took several years to recalibrate. My divorce has been final for 6 months. Marriage was over for a few years before. Nothing traumatic and we are still friends. I am trying to stop putting so much pressure on myself to have labels or push things. This morning I am more in the mind set of go with the flow. It feels freeing and great. im not sure what my hobbies or likes are anymore. That’s what I’m trying to find out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted April 13, 2021 Share Posted April 13, 2021 You are on the rebound. I'd search that term. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted April 13, 2021 Share Posted April 13, 2021 22 hours ago, Findingme18 said: My divorce has been final for 6 months. Marriage was over for a few years before. Nothing traumatic and we are still friends. I am trying to stop putting so much pressure on myself to have labels or push things. This morning I am more in the mind set of go with the flow. It feels freeing and great. im not sure what my hobbies or likes are anymore. That’s what I’m trying to find out. What used to be your favorite pastime? It can also be as simple as browsing a craft store or a bookstore. A means of personal expression and discovery, as well as a mode of leisure, reflection, and catharsis. One time my imagination was sparked after seeing a Broadway performance. Alternatively, if you're on social media, follow content that interests you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Findingme18 Posted April 13, 2021 Author Share Posted April 13, 2021 I love to read. I try and read as much as possible. I’m trying to find things that I can do with my girls and on my own. Thanks for the advise 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted April 13, 2021 Share Posted April 13, 2021 On 4/12/2021 at 1:13 PM, Findingme18 said: My divorce has been final for 6 months. Marriage was over for a few years before. Dating sites, of course but also real life scenarios as suggested. Single parents groups. Lots of shopping at Home Depot. 😉 Take you time. Don't mention "that it's been over for years" (sort of a red flag that it was dragged out) Keep things fresh and simple. Make sure men see you as a women first as well as a single mom. Interests hobbies, sports, etc. Volunteering is also an excellent thing to do. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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