Let's talk about sex, baby.

[salparadise]

8 hours ago, crappedmypantsthrice said:

You're going to have to spell it out for me. When you say "hands on approach," you don't mean for me to grab him by the nards, right? 

Well, maybe. Whatever works for ya. What I actually meant is for you to initiate some physical activity... kissing, touching, etc.

To be honest, I'd probably write him off as a lost cause. If I was dating a woman who wouldn't have sex or even kiss after that much time I wouldn't be expecting a major transformation. Something is off with this guy and you don't need all the facts to make the right decision for you. If you're looking for a relationship that includes an active sex life, this is probably not your guy.

I had a woman grab my nards after a first date once. She unexpectedly laid a big wet kiss on me and then grabbed'em. She was sizing me up... she'd have been down for car sex, I'm sure. Wild woman that one. Never saw her again. The thought of that is exciting though.

[poppyfields]

OP wrote:

>>If this is like one of those "Pretty Woman" hooker things, where he isn't kissing me bc kissing to him is intimate, and he doesn't want to have that level of intimacy with me.....but he is willing to screw me in the back of a car....then yes, I would be pretty insulted....<<

-----

It may not be just you though, guy may have a genuine fear of intimacy, generally.

Back to what salparadise posted (I think it was sal) about kissing being an "intimate" act and your above reference to the the flick Pretty Woman, no I do not think he views you as a hooker, nor do I think it's ED or small penis because even if it were ED or small penis, he would still have the desire to kiss you, I mean it's been six weeks!  

The car suggestion was a way to fulfill his sexual need without the emotional intimacy and vulnerability that often goes hand in hand with kissing and sexual intimacy for some people, even some men.

You suspect he wants to "go slow" that's what he told you.

Swell, plenty of folks prefer to go slow when it comes to sexual relations/intimacy but like I said, they still have the desire to kiss and show affection in other ways and they certainly would not propose having first time sexual relations in a car for goodness sake.

You are entertaining all these ideas and theories, why not simply ask him?  Talk to him, communicate.

Something deeper is going on OP.  After six weeks dating, it might behoove you to communicate with him and find out. 

Good luck. 

Edited April 13, 2021 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, crappedmypantsthrice said:

Yeah, that's kind of where I have landed on it. 

Just gonna wait till our next date and see what happens. 

Never too late to flush the toilet if you are not happy or compatible. 

[crappedmypantsthrice]

10 hours ago, RecentChange said:

Weird.

Its all just a little weird is it not?

I am 42 - so I am guessing around your age. I was kinda following along until I got to the "six weeks no kissing" part.

I understand different strokes for different folks, but I don't think I could handle that (unless it was a platonic relationship that took a turn).

I don't mind car sex, if it weren't for the lack of travel due to the pandemic, I would usually be able to say it's something I have indulged in recently.

But PLANNED car sex? No, no no no. Car sex (for me at least) is HOT because it's when you are at a wedding, and just can't stand it any more and need to sneak off.  Or at a beach or on a mountain drive and just can't wait to get back to the hotel.

But meet up for car sex? When not a teenager? Weird. 

Mixed singles to the max from this guy when it comes to sex. 

OP sounds like you need to take the reins and see where this goes. It seems like he has some sort of baggage when it comes to sex, hence the inconsistency and hiding behind a screen. 

Yes, it's a little weird...but. 

I'm not all that experienced, and usually with men I date, we jump right into...you know, things. 

So, in my mind, I wasn't sure if this whole "taking things slow" thing was actually normal. And how it feels to date someone with genuine purpose. It's my first experience with it, but due to my lack of dating knowledge, I wasn't sure if this was actually a good thing. And maybe all the other guys I had dated had moved too quickly. 

So, in my mind, while it felt a little weird, I didn't know if it WAS actually a little weird or if I just didn't know what I didn't know. If that makes any sense at all. 

Now, I know......it IS as weird as I thought it was. 

 

 

 

 

9 hours ago, Alpaca said:

There's a certain level of intimacy with kissing versus the other "stuff."

Whereas with sex he can be totally disconnected from the person.

This could all be a big nothing but just something to be mindful of. Given you are feeling "confused and annoyed" perhaps a better approach would be to dial it back with the naughty phone chats. 

On the other hand, one of the most perplexing dating issues to contend with, is dating the wrong person for us.

 

This is certainly true.

That said, I don't know why he would and has continued to see me if he didn't feel anything at all. 

Assuming he does have interest in me and is attracted to me, I guess I just don't know what it will take to have the amount of "intimacy" he thinks he needs for a kiss. 

 

 

9 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Once l came across a man that didn't like kissing. Yep! They exist. I'm glad l let that one go. 

 

Oh wow. Not saying it's a dealbreaker but....that would be pretty tough. 

[crappedmypantsthrice]

8 hours ago, BaileyB said:

This made me laugh out loud. 

I feel the same about PLANNED car sex. There must be a reason why this is the best option he could come up with, because why anyone would chose this for their first time with a new person is beyond weird. 

 

No kidding. I mean don't get me wrong, I can see the romance and spontaneity in it....if the timing is right. 

For a first time, no. The timing would definitely not be right. 

 

4 hours ago, Mrin said:

This is all so weird. The no kissing thing is over the top.

I would just next to him and move on

 

That may be the possible outcome when it comes to all this. 

I hope not, but...I guess we'll see. 

 

1 hour ago, salparadise said:

Well, maybe. Whatever works for ya. What I actually meant is for you to initiate some physical activity... kissing, touching, etc.

To be honest, I'd probably write him off as a lost cause. If I was dating a woman who wouldn't have sex or even kiss after that much time I wouldn't be expecting a major transformation. Something is off with this guy and you don't need all the facts to make the right decision for you. If you're looking for a relationship that includes an active sex life, this is probably not your guy.

I had a woman grab my nards after a first date once. She unexpectedly laid a big wet kiss on me and then grabbed'em. She was sizing me up... she'd have been down for car sex, I'm sure. Wild woman that one. Never saw her again. The thought of that is exciting though.

Oh my gosh...well I am very sorry for you about that story, but it did kind of make me chuckle. 

I can't even imagine ever having that much chutzpah. 

 

[crappedmypantsthrice]

43 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

OP wrote:

>>If this is like one of those "Pretty Woman" hooker things, where he isn't kissing me bc kissing to him is intimate, and he doesn't want to have that level of intimacy with me.....but he is willing to screw me in the back of a car....then yes, I would be pretty insulted....<<

-----

It may not be just you though, guy may have a genuine fear of intimacy, generally.

Back to what salparadise posted (I think it was sal) about kissing being an "intimate" act and your above reference to the the flick Pretty Woman, no I do not think he views you as a hooker, nor do I think it's ED or small penis because even if it were ED or small penis, he would still have the desire to kiss you, I mean it's been six weeks!  

The car suggestion was a way to fulfill his sexual need without the emotional intimacy and vulnerability that often goes hand in hand with kissing and sexual intimacy for some people, even some men.

You suspect he wants to "go slow" that's what he told you.

Swell, plenty of folks prefer to go slow when it comes to sexual relations/intimacy but like I said, they still have the desire to kiss and show affection in other ways and they certainly would not propose having first time sexual relations in a car for goodness sake.

You are entertaining all these ideas and theories, why not simply ask him?  Talk to him, communicate.

Something deeper is going on OP.  After six weeks dating, it might behoove you to communicate with him and find out. 

Good luck. 

 

To answer why I don't simply ask him, it's kind of the same answer as why don't I just initiate? 

I guess I am just waiting on him to be The Man. (sorry if this is sexist)

I don't want to wonder in the back of my mind if I am always going to have to be the one to get things going. I don't want to have to wonder in the back of my mind if he ever would have made a move, if I hadn't prompted him. 

I don't mind to do it once. Or...periodically in the context of a relationship. But I guess I don't want to set some sort of precedent. 

 

 

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Never too late to flush the toilet if you are not happy or compatible. 

 

Awww....

Well, I really like him, and we have great conversations which I truly enjoy. So, I hate to say flush him down the toilet. 

 

But, yes happiness and compatibility are paramount. 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, crappedmypantsthrice said:

I hate to say flush him down the toilet. But, yes happiness and compatibility are paramount. 

That's ok. Let him swirl around a bit to see what happens . The lever is always there when needed.

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, crappedmypantsthrice said:

This is certainly true.

That said, I don't know why he would and has continued to see me if he didn't feel anything at all. 

Assuming he does have interest in me and is attracted to me, I guess I just don't know what it will take to have the amount of "intimacy" he thinks he needs for a kiss. 

I'm sure he's attracted to you and is interested in you. It’s okay if you take your time, though, to work through the confusion and annoyance. Conflicting messages, which may be a mere miscommunication between the two of you or something entirely different, I think can often whisk up that type of response.

[poppyfields]

4 hours ago, salparadise said:

To be honest, I'd probably write him off as a lost cause. If I was dating a woman who wouldn't have sex or even kiss after that much time I wouldn't be expecting a major transformation. Something is off with this guy and you don't need all the facts to make the right decision for you. If you're looking for a relationship that includes an active sex life, this is probably not your guy.

Yeah, this^.  Something is very off with this guy.

And I'll add if you are looking for a relationship that includes an active sex life AND emotional intimacy including physical and I do NOT mean sex, I mean kissing, any type of non-sexual physical affection, then he's not your guy.

Or perhaps he is since it appears you have fears yourself otherwise you would be communicating to him your feelings about what's happening (or not happening), and I'm not even referring to the proposition for car sex, but all it - the fact he hasn't had the desire to kiss you, not even once in six weeks.

I'm sorry this is not the behaviour of a man who sexually desires a woman.  Sounds like more of a friendship and if you had agreed to car sex, FWB.

You can talk to him without it sounding like an accusation or overly aggressive, but as two people dating for six weeks who want to learn about each other and understand each other. 

Your call, maybe you are more comfortable with all this than you think. 

Edited April 13, 2021 by poppyfields

[crappedmypantsthrice]

Update: 

Just wanted to give everybody an update...which frankly, not much new to tell. 

We got past the incident from last week, and things seemingly went back to normal. 

On Wednesday, early afternoon, he messaged me that he was hungry and bored. I thought perhaps that was a pre-cursor to him asking me for a date, but...he never asked me, so I just figured I was wrong, and that he was just being random. So, I told him I was going to go shower....I thought this would be a hint to him that I would be fresh and clean, if he did want to ask me to do something. Nope. 

So, we continued to talk, and later that night, he says, "Too bad we didn't go out tonight." And I (playfully) lit into him. I'm like....you should have asked me 4 hours ago. 

So, he tells me he thought it was pretty much implied. I ask him how it was implied. He said when he said he was hungry and bored....that was the implication. That was my cue to say, "Me too" and get something going. But, I didn't. Folks, am I crazy? Is that the weakest "hint" you have ever heard? Or should I be better at picking up hints? So, I told him that me telling him I was showering was MY hint to him that I could be ready if he wanted to do something. Here's his response: "Well funny story I thought you were showering was kind of you saying you had other things to do." Anyway, it was an epic communication fail all the way around. 

But, it was fine. We talked about me maybe coming over sometime and he could show me his woodshop and make a thing or two. So...despite our major communication issues, it feels like we are still good. Or felt that way, at least. 

We talked on Thursday, but he disappeared mid-afternoon and I didn't hear from him the rest of the night. Which is fine. But, then I didn't hear from him Friday at all. Which is unusual,  but...if he's busy with something, it's possibly understandable. He sent me a recipe this morning, which I replied to, and he never responded. So, finally, I reached out about an hour ago, and haven't heard from him since. Is it possible that even though things were okay at the time, the more he thought about our miscommunications this past week, maybe he is second guessing things with me? Or maybe he found someone that is willing to have sex in the back of a truck with him....I dunno.

 

[basil67]

"I'm hungry and bored".   What possessed him to think that leading with a passive negative would make you want to spend time with him?    Even if he'd said "I'm hungry and bored...let's do something", it still comes across as him seeing you because he's got nothing better to do.  

Remember how we're always on our best behaviour at the start of dating?   Well if this is him at his best, imagine what he's like when he's no longer making an effort   

 

[crappedmypantsthrice]

7 minutes ago, basil67 said:

"I'm hungry and bored".   What possessed him to think that leading with a passive negative would make you want to spend time with him?    Even if he'd said "I'm hungry and bored...let's do something", it still comes across as him seeing you because he's got nothing better to do.  

Remember how we're always on our best behaviour at the start of dating?   Well if this is him at his best, imagine what he's like when he's no longer making an effort   

 

Well, it's not even that. I WANTED to spend time with him. Before he even said a word to me that evening, I wanted to spend time with him. All he would have to say was "Let's go do...." and I would have been on board. 

[basil67]

But he's apparently not the kind of guy who leads with a positive invite.

[poppyfields]

I'm hungry and bored = your cue to suggest getting together?   Um, I don't think so!  Can't get much more lame than that.

You tell him you're stepping into shower = no response.  Every man I've told I'm getting into the shower has made a comment about wishing he could join me.  It's kind of a flirty little 'shyt test' to determine if they're sexually attracted to me, owning that.

I would never say this to a guy friend, only men I'm sexually into.

No kiss in six weeks.  This man is not physically/sexually attracted to you.  And/or he is asexual or gay. 

Suggests to have FIRST time sex in his car. Before ever kissing you?  This man has ZERO respect for you. None, nada, ZIP.

May I ask what you find appealing about him?  

I find him and his "game" (for lack of a better word) insulting and degrading unless you yourself are only wanting a friendship or FWB in his car whenever he feels the urge. 

Another thought.  He may unknowingly have a social disorder, Asperger's comes to mind.  

The whole thing sounds seriously off.

Edited April 18, 2021 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

Crappedmypants could it be "hungry and bored" is code for something more risque than food and boredom?

Edited April 18, 2021 by Alpaca

[Dis]

4 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I'm hungry and bored = your cue to suggest getting together?   Um, I don't think so!  Can't get much more lame than that.

You tell him you're stepping into shower = no response.  Every man I've told I'm getting into the shower has made a comment about wishing he could join me.  It's kind of a flirty little 'shyt test' to determine if they're sexually attracted to me, owning that.

I would never say this to a guy friend, only men I'm sexually into.

No kiss in six weeks.  This man is not physically/sexually attracted to you.  And/or he is asexual or gay. 

Suggests to have FIRST time sex in his car. Before ever kissing you?  This man has ZERO respect for you. None, nada, ZIP.

May I ask what you find appealing about him?  

I find him and his "game" (for lack of a better word) insulting and degrading unless you yourself are only wanting a friendship or FWB in his car whenever he feels the urge. 

Another thought.  He may unknowingly have a social disorder, Asperger's comes to mind.  

The whole thing sounds seriously off.

Yes to all this ^^^

 

He sounds lukewarm, lazy, boring, uninterested, ineffectual and awful  

 

I think if you passed on him and dated someone else you'd be a whole lot happier

 

You're settling 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Dis said:

I think if you passed on him and dated someone else you'd be a whole lot happier

Agreed. 

This guy is a dud. On just about every level. 

[Alpacalia]

He may be a "dud," but I assume you were "sexting" to gauge his level of interest. Receiving a "sext" from someone you like but don't know well might indicate a possible hookup. That would be consistent with his offer of vehicle sex and his cavalier attitude toward your interactions.

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, crappedmypantsthrice said:

On Wednesday, early afternoon, he messaged me that he was hungry and bored. 

Wow, how romantic. Yikes maybe it's time to just pull the plug, no?

Did you tell him to order pizza and watch netflix?

Edited April 18, 2021 by Wiseman2