Getting older and we have nothing in common

[Gaeta]

I think it still shows no matter your age there are plenty of men and women out there to reconnect with and become a couple. And probably a better couple. 

[ShyViolet]

10 hours ago, partneredbutlonely said:

I think I’m ready to break things off but I don’t know how. Our lives are intertwined and at this point he’s not making enough money to move out.

This is NOT your problem, and NOT a reason to stay together.

This relationship has run its course.  It's time to put an end to it and not waste any more time in a failing relationship.  Break up with him, and give him ample time to get his stuff together and get his own place... maybe 60 days.  He is an adult and he is going to have to figure it out.  Maybe he can get a roommate if he can't afford his own place.

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

I'm saying that people enter and end relaionships far too easily these days.  As soon as there's a bump in the road it's "I'm not happy."  

I don't think what OP is describing qualifies as a "bump in the road."

She is seeing deeper incompatiblities and has not been happy for a while. She has discussed this with him. That isn't exactly what I would call giving up easily. 

[LivingWaterPlease]

partneredbutlonely, you understand far more than any of us do, for sure. And your attitude about this relationship seems lovely to me in that you wrote it's as much your fault as it is his. I don't believe you used the word "fault," though. It seems it was an insinuation.

Nevertheless, here are some things to think about, although I really don't have an opinion on what you should do.

It seems to me from what you write that your main problem is communication not a difference in interests. As time goes by, most people change in ways, even in their interests. I'm 70 years old. My interests have changed greatly over the years. I was once married to a man I loved deeply and we had great chemistry. But we didn't know how to communicate with each other.  At the time, I believe we both came to the conclusion that we had little in common, after other seemingly larger issues came to the forefront.

After being single (in and out of relationships) for a very long time I've realized that my ex and I actually had more in common than just about anyone I've met since.  It's just that as you get to know a person more intimately over time, differences seem to emerge because we are all such unique individuals.

Liking movies or not and the other things you mentioned are very superficial interests to overcome, it seems to me. What matters are deeper things, communication, spiritual compatibility, etc. In fact, having some differences in interests can be a very good thing. It adds interest to a R and things to talk about. We also tend to have more chemistry with those who are opposites of us.

From what I recall that you wrote about the interests he has and the ones you have, they seemed to me to be interests centered on oneself, not on others. I'm sure I've forgotten some of what you mentioned but two I recall are your interests in movies and his in gaming. Why not branch out and do some things together that may be new to both of you and more focused on others rather than on oneself? Something like becoming involved in a organization that helps other people? We have one around here called, "Habitat For Humanity" in which people band together and build homes for the less fortunate. Or there's one called Samaritan's Purse where you volunteer to go help others who've been through disaster to clean up their area and rebuild it. It may not sound as if it would be a good time, but reaching out to serve and focus on others could really freshen up your R with your guy, it seems to me.

After many years of being single, for the first time, I believe I've found a match. I've never had trouble finding men to date and be in R with, though. Or men who wanted to marry me. What I have had trouble finding is that perfect match I thought I'd find were I single.

The person I've found at this point in my life and I have very little in common in interests. I'm learning to enjoy his and he mine. However, the deep things that really matter, spirituality, communication; those we have. With my ex I was married to, we shared commonality of values and spirituality. That's the thing that's been hard for me to find which I've finally found once again. I'd have been far better off all of these years to work on deepening the shallow level of communication I had with my ex. And also, thinking of him and his interests and life as much as I did my own.

Also, don't take for granted the three years of history you have together with this man. That's something to build on.

At the time my ex and I divorced, I don't know that if someone had explained to me the above, it would have made a difference for me, though. It was something I had to learn over a long period of time, for myself.

Likewise, I have watched many women leave Rs they are bored and/or frustrated in. Only to discover what they think they're interested in isn't out there and to stay frustrated and sometimes lonely looking for it. Not everyone finds others to date. I've watched many women leave good men and remain lonely, although not all do. You get a new R, you have new issues to deal with.

Again, I'm not trying to advise you on what to do. Just giving you a different perspective. I'm wishing you well, though. You seem to have a lovely spirit about you.

Edited April 12, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease

[GeorgiaPeach1]

14 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

Are you two married?

Have you tried making an effort to particpate in something *he's* interested in?  That's usually how it works, you give, then he gives.  Both of you just seem to be in it for yourselves at this point.

Maybe go to a couples counselor.  At 39 years old the grass is probably not greener for you on the single dating market.

My thoughts exactly. If he's not abusive, has good hygiene and helps pay bills, then I would think carefully before throwing him away simply because he doesn't like the exact same movies and music. 

OP, before you burn a bridge, you need to consider whether you have a lot of other options to choose from. 

[Gaeta]

This is more than just a man that doesn't like the same movies.

He's disconnected from the relationship, putting his attention on videogames, social media, complaining. When she wants to share an interest with him he's not receptive, he leaves the room, doesn't pay attention, does not engage in interesting conversation. That is not a way to live. There is no happiness with a partner like this for many women.

Having common interest is important. My best relationship was with a man that enjoyed getting up early like me, that liked road-trips like me, that was social like me, that enjoyed science-fiction like me, that enjoyed evening long conversations like I do. The things we did not have in common we enjoyed discovering from each other. I embraced his culture, his music, his cuisine and he did the same with mine. There was an openness that is not present in OP's relationship.

My marriage was with a clean cut man, hard working, honest but we had nothing in common. In 15 years we never took a babysitter he did not enjoy going out, we never went anywhere on weekends he didn't like it, I was up early and he slept till 2 pm on weekends. He was a good man alright! but I was deeply unhappy and disconnected. 

[Snow_Queen]

No matter what some may say about your age, it’s better to be single and happy than in a relationship that isn’t working for whatever reason. Life has so much more to offer than romantic relationships alone.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

This is more than just a man that doesn't like the same movies.

He's disconnected from the relationship, putting his attention on videogames, social media, complaining. When she wants to share an interest with him he's not receptive, he leaves the room, doesn't pay attention, does not engage in interesting conversation. That is not a way to live. There is no happiness with a partner like this for many women.

Having common interest is important. My best relationship was with a man that enjoyed getting up early like me, that liked road-trips like me, that was social like me, that enjoyed science-fiction like me, that enjoyed evening long conversations like I do. The things we did not have in common we enjoyed discovering from each other. I embraced his culture, his music, his cuisine and he did the same with mine. There was an openness that is not present in OP's relationship.

My marriage was with a clean cut man, hard working, honest but we had nothing in common. In 15 years we never took a babysitter he did not enjoy going out, we never went anywhere on weekends he didn't like it, I was up early and he slept till 2 pm on weekends. He was a good man alright! but I was deeply unhappy and disconnected. 

Expecting a man to fit like a hand in a glove is unrealistic, Hollywood nonsense.

A relationship is not going to meet every single one of a woman's needs. This is what having a variety of friendships are for.

How long have you been in your current relationship, out of curiosity?

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

How long have you been in your current relationship, out of curiosity?

I am old 55, I don't live in a Hollywood none sense. I was married 15 years, and just ended a 5 year relationship. Like I said in my story, we did not match on every level, nor do I want to match on every level, I want to discover new things through my partner, but that's only possible when you are open minded about learning new things. I as got older got to beleive more and more in the importance of common interests (not all, I never said that) and the importance of similar life style.  

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

I as got older got to beleive more and more in the importance of common interests (not all, I never said that) and the importance of similar life style.  

I want to add to that. 

This weekend I was having a conversation with mother who's been married 56 years to my father. She was telling me how relationships are disappointing and no one is fully happy in them. I disagreed with her. My father is a man I adore but he was not compatible with my mother. His entire life was devoted to his passion which was hunting, fishing, trapping. All his weekends and vacations were spent in the woods. My mother was lonely, dreamt of travelling, romance, weekends away, she never had it. It does NOT have to be this way when you pick the right partner for you. 

[Fletch Lives]

It sounds like he is addicted to his phone. It's a major problem these days.

Try doing a Friday night date night, regularly, and put his phone away.

[partneredbutlonely]

15 hours ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

partneredbutlonely, you understand far more than any of us do, for sure. And your attitude about this relationship seems lovely to me in that you wrote it's as much your fault as it is his. I don't believe you used the word "fault," though. It seems it was an insinuation.

Nevertheless, here are some things to think about, although I really don't have an opinion on what you should do.

It seems to me from what you write that your main problem is communication not a difference in interests. As time goes by, most people change in ways, even in their interests. I'm 70 years old. My interests have changed greatly over the years. I was once married to a man I loved deeply and we had great chemistry. But we didn't know how to communicate with each other.  At the time, I believe we both came to the conclusion that we had little in common, after other seemingly larger issues came to the forefront.

After being single (in and out of relationships) for a very long time I've realized that my ex and I actually had more in common than just about anyone I've met since.  It's just that as you get to know a person more intimately over time, differences seem to emerge because we are all such unique individuals.

Liking movies or not and the other things you mentioned are very superficial interests to overcome, it seems to me. What matters are deeper things, communication, spiritual compatibility, etc. In fact, having some differences in interests can be a very good thing. It adds interest to a R and things to talk about. We also tend to have more chemistry with those who are opposites of us.

From what I recall that you wrote about the interests he has and the ones you have, they seemed to me to be interests centered on oneself, not on others. I'm sure I've forgotten some of what you mentioned but two I recall are your interests in movies and his in gaming. Why not branch out and do some things together that may be new to both of you and more focused on others rather than on oneself? Something like becoming involved in a organization that helps other people? We have one around here called, "Habitat For Humanity" in which people band together and build homes for the less fortunate. Or there's one called Samaritan's Purse where you volunteer to go help others who've been through disaster to clean up their area and rebuild it. It may not sound as if it would be a good time, but reaching out to serve and focus on others could really freshen up your R with your guy, it seems to me.

After many years of being single, for the first time, I believe I've found a match. I've never had trouble finding men to date and be in R with, though. Or men who wanted to marry me. What I have had trouble finding is that perfect match I thought I'd find were I single.

The person I've found at this point in my life and I have very little in common in interests. I'm learning to enjoy his and he mine. However, the deep things that really matter, spirituality, communication; those we have. With my ex I was married to, we shared commonality of values and spirituality. That's the thing that's been hard for me to find which I've finally found once again. I'd have been far better off all of these years to work on deepening the shallow level of communication I had with my ex. And also, thinking of him and his interests and life as much as I did my own.

Also, don't take for granted the three years of history you have together with this man. That's something to build on.

At the time my ex and I divorced, I don't know that if someone had explained to me the above, it would have made a difference for me, though. It was something I had to learn over a long period of time, for myself.

Likewise, I have watched many women leave Rs they are bored and/or frustrated in. Only to discover what they think they're interested in isn't out there and to stay frustrated and sometimes lonely looking for it. Not everyone finds others to date. I've watched many women leave good men and remain lonely, although not all do. You get a new R, you have new issues to deal with.

Again, I'm not trying to advise you on what to do. Just giving you a different perspective. I'm wishing you well, though. You seem to have a lovely spirit about you.

I thought a lot about what you wrote because the perspective shook me out of my original thinking. You’re right, our differences in interests are sort of minor and we absolutely have trouble communicating. I think I get frustrated with his lack of interest in things that I’m interested in.

Then again, what I love about him is how sensitive and caring he is. It’s a sort of double edged sword though.

I love the idea of volunteering together, I suggested this to him today and fully agreed. What’s funny is today we kayaked and ended up rescuing a baby duck. It made me realize that I love how much he appreciates precious creatures. This is something I could not live without. 

I don’t want to give up because of superficial circumstances and I also want him to be a bit more present under certain circumstances but I may need to be a little bit more objective and give him credit for the things that DO work well with us. That might help me to make a more “sober” conclusion. 

thanks for your wise words.

[LivingWaterPlease]

1 hour ago, partneredbutlonely said:

I thought a lot about what you wrote because the perspective shook me out of my original thinking. You’re right, our differences in interests are sort of minor and we absolutely have trouble communicating. I think I get frustrated with his lack of interest in things that I’m interested in.

Then again, what I love about him is how sensitive and caring he is. It’s a sort of double edged sword though.

I love the idea of volunteering together, I suggested this to him today and fully agreed. What’s funny is today we kayaked and ended up rescuing a baby duck. It made me realize that I love how much he appreciates precious creatures. This is something I could not live without. 

I don’t want to give up because of superficial circumstances and I also want him to be a bit more present under certain circumstances but I may need to be a little bit more objective and give him credit for the things that DO work well with us. That might help me to make a more “sober” conclusion. 

thanks for your wise words.

You have no idea how deeply I appreciated your post, partnered!

Your story of you, your guy and the baby duck is just beautiful! Life's greatest rewards are found in focusing on others and helping them.

The R I have begun offers incredible opportunities to pamper myself. But, I have decided I will use the resources available to me to be a blessing to others in any way I can in whatever years I have left.

Lucky you and lucky your guy! You two have many years left, most probably! Years for you and your man to be an outstanding couple in ways many haven't discovered.

PS I learned not too long ago that my ex has adult attention deficit disorder. He never could seem to focus on having a conversation with me and I"m sure that's why, although he seemed normal to me in most ways and owns a successful business. Not sure if it's possible your guy could have at least a tendency toward ADD that could interfere with his ability to concentrate on communicating.

 

Edited April 13, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease

[Noproblem]

This is a case of the grass is greener on the other side and you think you can do better.

Honestly, if you are with someone who makes you unhappy, being alone is much better. But does he make you unhappy, or are you just bored. Because you can be bored alone as well!

Do you even love him, I feel your love for him ended, and then you decided to pick on stuff that annoys you about him. Most married people are busy on social media and not conversing anymore, this is the new world, but even back then, the man will come back home, tired. He might have sex with his woman, and then sleeps.

Why not freaking play games with him? instead of watching him play, why not see what's going on inside his head. He might have issues that he doesn't want to share.

Try to find common ground, stuff you both love.. or like

Try to find other friends to watch favorite movie/ favorite activity with!

you watch his horrible movie and he has to watch yours as well! like compromise is good!

Have to walk and drink wine on Saturday, but on Sunday, you do what he wants!

Hey,  I am not telling you to stay with this guy, I am someone who usually tell people to run or leave a bad relationship. 

But all I see is 2 years of pandemic and kinda boring life is causing you to want to change before trying salvage this relationship. 

If there is no abuse, no bad treatment, no bad sex, no bad attitude, no other person, no drama, no addiction, etc, then why not try to be honest with him. tell him xyz, and try to reach solutions before ending this! Give it 3 months trial, not more, not more than that.. If you still feel you don't want to be with him any more.

Then please ask him to leave and enjoy your life!

 

Edited April 13, 2021 by Noproblem

[Acacia98]

21 hours ago, Gaeta said:

He's disconnected from the relationship, putting his attention on videogames, social media, complaining. When she wants to share an interest with him he's not receptive, he leaves the room, doesn't pay attention, does not engage in interesting conversation. That is not a way to live. There is no happiness with a partner like this for many women.

Tell me about it. I was in a relationship with this guy's twin. I learnt my lesson.

Now I don't waste time dating guys who don't understand the significance of communication and are not invested in making the effort. Life is just too short. 

Edited April 13, 2021 by Acacia98

[Wiseman2]

If he's this checked out on so many levels just close the deal and let him check out of your house rather than just taking up space.

It may seem innocuous, but you don't have your freedom to date and meet someone else when he's taking up couch space

For all you know he may be on his phone lining up the next women to camp out with.

 

[Ami1uwant]

On 4/11/2021 at 9:37 AM, partneredbutlonely said:

I’m 39 and my partner is 40. We’ve been together for 5 years and live together. 

When we first got together we’d connect around great food, music, and good chemistry. We moved in together after 2 years and it really has not been great since then.

I like to take walks, drink wine and listen to music on weekends, watch movies, and have lengthy conversations about life (when the mood strikes). I like to feel like my partner is present and interested in me, in life.

He is not very present. he’s constantly on his phone, playing a video game, or complaining about work. When he’s playful, it’s just not my kind of humor. 

We don’t like the same movies or music anymore. Last night I convinced him to watch a movie I was interested in. Most of the time he rummaged the kitchen for snacks while I told him the drama that was happening. After the movie, he picked up his phone and started scrolling through social media. we could have chatted about the movie or anything but he scrolled. 

We have mostly become good at living together. Since he started working less with the pandemic and I started working more, he does lots of the shopping and cooking. He’s an excellent cook and does well with that stuff.

I think I’m ready to break things off but I don’t know how. Our lives are intertwined and at this point he’s not making enough money to move out. I’m at my wits end. Has anyone experienced this and gotten through it or figured out how to separate?

 

ive read over much of the thread. I agree with many.

 

I think what happened early on was he did what you wanted to do even if it wasn’t a love of his like it was to you.

At the age you started dating you aren’t going to change someone from what they are. You can expand on their interests.

 

for me there are some things I wouldn’t do by myself but would be willing to do things if I wasn’t the lead.  An example..it’s rare I go to movies by myself but would do this with a date or with friends.  I have no problem going to a movie by myself if I really wanted to see a movie.  
 

In relationships ....I look at chemistry as personality match, not physical attraction.  How you interact, what are common goals, bEliefs, interests, style.

 

 

 

[smackie9]

Start communicating with him. TBH I don't think you need counseling....just a simple "lets talk more."

[Miss Peach]

OP - I think you really need to look at your values. The superficial stuff like music is nice but if the values aren't aligned this will be like fitting a square peg in a round hole.

 

On 4/11/2021 at 5:55 PM, dramafreezone said:

I'm saying that people enter and end relaionships far too easily these days.  As soon as there's a bump in the road it's "I'm not happy."  Also, Cosmopolitan and Sex and the City has glamorized single life for 40s and up.  There is this idea that there are endless options for people out here regardless of age and that's just not the case. 

OP is not 20 years old anymore.  Sure, "people" get married at age 40 and up, but the singles market is brutal at any age. []

This is just my opinion.  Doesn't mean I'm right, but it's what I believe.  If this guy was good enough to begin a serious relationship with, it's worth working on seriously, and that means therapy with a professional.

 

I get more dates more easily now than 10 years ago. I am more confident, have better boundaries, am still attractive, better at communicating, very comfortable with men, and am much better at reading people. I'm also constantly getting guys wanting to be my boyfriend or more; not just hookups. So I don't buy this per se.

 

The issue I think with marriage is that as people approach 40 or older one of two things happen. They have BTDT with marriage so not as much as in a hurry as they already had the children, etc. This is my view. I would rather take my time this round than be stuck in a crap relationship. Some blame the institution of marriage and won't remarry. The other group is the people rushing for it because they want to have that but wasted their 20s and 30s doing something else. But getting into serious relationships is pretty easy still if you keep up the traits that people find attractive IME.

Edited April 14, 2021 by Miss Peach

[Highndry]

On 4/13/2021 at 4:11 AM, Acacia98 said:

Now I don't waste time dating guys who don't understand the significance of communication and are not invested in making the effort. Life is just too short. 

For how many decades are you willing to do this?

[Acacia98]

15 hours ago, Highndry said:

For how many decades are you willing to do this?

How many decades am I willing to do what? Not waste time in a relationship where communication is not a priority? The rest of my life, however long that ends up being.