Getting older and we have nothing in common

[partneredbutlonely]

I’m 39 and my partner is 40. We’ve been together for 5 years and live together. 

When we first got together we’d connect around great food, music, and good chemistry. We moved in together after 2 years and it really has not been great since then.

I like to take walks, drink wine and listen to music on weekends, watch movies, and have lengthy conversations about life (when the mood strikes). I like to feel like my partner is present and interested in me, in life.

He is not very present. he’s constantly on his phone, playing a video game, or complaining about work. When he’s playful, it’s just not my kind of humor. 

We don’t like the same movies or music anymore. Last night I convinced him to watch a movie I was interested in. Most of the time he rummaged the kitchen for snacks while I told him the drama that was happening. After the movie, he picked up his phone and started scrolling through social media. we could have chatted about the movie or anything but he scrolled. 

We have mostly become good at living together. Since he started working less with the pandemic and I started working more, he does lots of the shopping and cooking. He’s an excellent cook and does well with that stuff.

I think I’m ready to break things off but I don’t know how. Our lives are intertwined and at this point he’s not making enough money to move out. I’m at my wits end. Has anyone experienced this and gotten through it or figured out how to separate?

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, partneredbutlonely said:

he’s not making enough money to move out.

Sorry this is happening. His finances are not your concern. Read up on tenant/landlord laws in your area. Give him appropriate notice. He's a grown man and he'll do fine. He sounds even more checked out than you are. Right now he's just coasting along complacently because you're tolerating it.

[smackie9]

OK first before you get ready to punt him out of your life, why haven't you brought any of this up in a serious honest conversation right when it started 3 years ago? If you don't speak up, he thinking everything is OK with his actions. No one is a mind reader, you can't expect people to just know. Talking with each other on a regular basis, encouraging good habits, but also compromise will work this out.

[partneredbutlonely]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. His finances are not your concern. Read up on tenant/landlord laws in your area. Give him appropriate notice. He's a grown man and he'll do fine. He sounds even more checked out than you are. Right now he's just coasting along complacently because you're tolerating it.

Spot on, he’s definitely checked out. I’ve tolerated it, convincing myself that we would figure it out because we love each other.

[partneredbutlonely]

4 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

OK first before you get ready to punt him out of your life, why haven't you brought any of this up in a serious honest conversation right when it started 3 years ago? If you don't speak up, he thinking everything is OK with his actions. No one is a mind reader, you can't expect people to just know. Talking with each other on a regular basis, encouraging good habits, but also compromise will work this out.

Yes, we’ve talked about it. I think earlier on, I just thought he was having a rough patch so I’d try to give him a boost and be there to support. Also, he’s aware of our difference in interests and I’ve told him where I’d like him to be more present. He seems either unable or unwilling to give in that way. Also, I didn’t mention his evasiveness when I do try to talk with him. For him, it’s never the right time.

[Gaeta]

You didn't have what it takes to carry you long term. People often think chemistry is a good base to build on but it's never enough. You need common life style, goals, interests, sensitivity for each other. I agree he has disconnected from the relationship and is now taking advantage of the stability you're offering. He's 40 years old, he can take care of himself. 

[smackie9]

I agree he's a big boy, he can take care of himself. You are in no way obligated to baby this man. Girl this is 3 years wasted, have the conversation now he has to get out, you are so done.

Edited April 11, 2021 by smackie9

[smackie9]

Oh and I wish you luck and hope you find much happiness in the very near future.

[smackie9]

Keep us posted on your progress. We always like to hear what happens. We are here for you

[partneredbutlonely]

12 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

You didn't have what it takes to carry you long term. People often think chemistry is a good base to build on but it's never enough. You need common life style, goals, interests, sensitivity for each other. I agree he has disconnected from the relationship and is now taking advantage of the stability you're offering. He's 40 years old, he can take care of himself. 

 

12 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

You didn't have what it takes to carry you long term. People often think chemistry is a good base to build on but it's never enough. You need common life style, goals, interests, sensitivity for each other. I agree he has disconnected from the relationship and is now taking advantage of the stability you're offering. He's 40 years old, he can take care of himself. 

You’re right, I didn’t realize it at the time but I’m paying for it now. 

[glows]

Have a heart to heart that it's not working for you and you both appear to be on different wavelengths. What unsettles me is that he's stonewalling you and ignoring you. Describe that to him. Sometimes people don't know they're doing that or aren't aware, too depressed and out of their own minds to be completely in the relationship or attuned to their partner. 

This depends on how much you think he will listen or care in the first place. If you don't sense he has it in him or it's falling on deaf ears and he truly is manipulating you, then just tell him that the relationship is not something you see yourself in. 

[partneredbutlonely]

1 minute ago, smackie9 said:

Keep us posted on your progress. We always like to hear what happens. We are here for you

Thank you so much. I’m thinking that I’ll tell him today that I’m done and he needs to move out. We’re both on the lease but since early 2020 I’ve been paying the rent.

[partneredbutlonely]

1 minute ago, glows said:

Have a heart to heart that it's not working for you and you both appear to be on different wavelengths. What unsettles me is that he's stonewalling you and ignoring you. Describe that to him. Sometimes people don't know they're doing that or aren't aware, too depressed and out of their own minds to be completely in the relationship or attuned to their partner. 

This depends on how much you think he will listen or care in the first place. If you don't sense he has it in him or it's falling on deaf ears and he truly is manipulating you, then just tell him that the relationship is not something you see yourself in. 

That’s the feeling I have often. Like I’m being stronewalled. That is actually painful. I don’t think it’s a manipulation but I think that his own depression makes it impossible for him to see outside of himself.

[smackie9]

9 minutes ago, partneredbutlonely said:

Thank you so much. I’m thinking that I’ll tell him today that I’m done and he needs to move out. We’re both on the lease but since early 2020 I’ve been paying the rent.

Wow I'm so sorry you are going through this...so unfair to be taken for granted. Kick him to the curb!

[glows]

1 hour ago, partneredbutlonely said:

That’s the feeling I have often. Like I’m being stronewalled. That is actually painful. I don’t think it’s a manipulation but I think that his own depression makes it impossible for him to see outside of himself.

I'm sorry to hear this. Do consider your part in the relationship and whether this has run its course. I think speaking about things with him will help and getting an idea of where you both are at and what you want for your future together (or apart). 

[dramafreezone]

5 hours ago, partneredbutlonely said:

I’m 39 and my partner is 40. We’ve been together for 5 years and live together. 

When we first got together we’d connect around great food, music, and good chemistry. We moved in together after 2 years and it really has not been great since then.

I like to take walks, drink wine and listen to music on weekends, watch movies, and have lengthy conversations about life (when the mood strikes). I like to feel like my partner is present and interested in me, in life.

He is not very present. he’s constantly on his phone, playing a video game, or complaining about work. When he’s playful, it’s just not my kind of humor. 

We don’t like the same movies or music anymore. Last night I convinced him to watch a movie I was interested in. Most of the time he rummaged the kitchen for snacks while I told him the drama that was happening. After the movie, he picked up his phone and started scrolling through social media. we could have chatted about the movie or anything but he scrolled. 

We have mostly become good at living together. Since he started working less with the pandemic and I started working more, he does lots of the shopping and cooking. He’s an excellent cook and does well with that stuff.

I think I’m ready to break things off but I don’t know how. Our lives are intertwined and at this point he’s not making enough money to move out. I’m at my wits end. Has anyone experienced this and gotten through it or figured out how to separate?

Are you two married?

Have you tried making an effort to particpate in something *he's* interested in?  That's usually how it works, you give, then he gives.  Both of you just seem to be in it for yourselves at this point.

Maybe go to a couples counselor.  At 39 years old the grass is probably not greener for you on the single dating market.

[partneredbutlonely]

43 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Are you two married?

Have you tried making an effort to particpate in something *he's* interested in?  That's usually how it works, you give, then he gives.  Both of you just seem to be in it for yourselves at this point.

Maybe go to a couples counselor.  At 39 years old the grass is probably not greener for you on the single dating market.

Thanks but I’m not too concerned about being on the dating market. Yes, I’ve done lots of things that he’s interested in basketball games, football games, video games, outside markets... hrs done some things that I’m interested in too like going to the beach with once in a while, he’s tried kayaking with me it’s just not consistent and there are the other factors that are making things difficult in our relationship. I will see though if there’s something that he’s interested in that I’m missing.

no we’re not married, we were planning to right before pandemic and when his job became irregular we stopped talking about it.

Edited April 11, 2021 by partneredbutlonely
Didn’t fully answer the question in my first response

[partneredbutlonely]

3 hours ago, glows said:

I'm sorry to hear this. Do consider your part in the relationship and whether this has run its course. I think speaking about things with him will help and getting an idea of where you both are at and what you want for your future together (or apart). 

I will consider the part I’m playing, thank you. It’s not all on him or me.

[Brooke02]

2 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

Maybe go to a couples counselor.  At 39 years old the grass is probably not greener for you on the single dating market.

So she should stay in the relationship even if she’s not happy because she’s in her 40’s?   Age has nothing to do with it. People in their 40’s 50’s 60’s meet people & get married.

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, Brooke02 said:

Age has nothing to do with it. People in their 40’s 50’s 60’s meet people & get married.

And we often make better choices in partners as we age.

[dramafreezone]

48 minutes ago, Brooke02 said:

So she should stay in the relationship even if she’s not happy because she’s in her 40’s?   Age has nothing to do with it. People in their 40’s 50’s 60’s meet people & get married.

I'm saying that people enter and end relaionships far too easily these days.  As soon as there's a bump in the road it's "I'm not happy."  Also, Cosmopolitan and Sex and the City has glamorized single life for 40s and up.  There is this idea that there are endless options for people out here regardless of age and that's just not the case. 

OP is not 20 years old anymore.  Sure, "people" get married at age 40 and up, but the singles market is brutal at any age. []

This is just my opinion.  Doesn't mean I'm right, but it's what I believe.  If this guy was good enough to begin a serious relationship with, it's worth working on seriously, and that means therapy with a professional.

 

Edited April 12, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
citation required

[Gaeta]

15 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

 There's a 2.6% chance of a college educated woman gettting married after age 40, according to a Harvard study I just googled.

I would not use the word "chance". Maybe yes college degree women remarry at 2,6% but maybe they don't want to remarry and are happy living common law that's why the satistic is low. 

I was out in the single's world from 45 to 50 and there are tons of single men! I was busy with dates every week. It's all about how you maintain your look. I live in a city where 50% of the population is single. No one is running out of men to date.

Edited April 12, 2021 by Gaeta

[dramafreezone]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I would not use the word "chance". Maybe yes college degree women remarry at 2,6% but maybe they don't want to remarry and are happy living common law that's why the satistic is low. 

I was out in the single's world from 45 to 50 and there are tons of single men! I was busy with dates every week. It's all about how you maintain your look. I live in a city where 50% of the population is single. No one is running out of men to date.

Well, you're probably right on that.  If OP doesn't plan on getting married then she'll probably be fine.

[Gaeta]

OP look at this. % if remarriage per age group. You have no worry. 

https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2014/11/14/chapter-2-the-demographics-of-remarriage/

[dramafreezone]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

OP look at this. % if remarriage per age group. You have no worry. 

https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2014/11/14/chapter-2-the-demographics-of-remarriage/

OP hasn't mentioned ever having been married.