I have masculine energy

[hotpotato]

For years posters at Ls have been telling me I have masculine energy or that I'm "manly."

Awhile ago I took one of those quizzes, and I answered yes to just about all the questions. 

I dont know if its fixable at this point or if I want to fix it. I suspect that men want to swoop in and save women. My ex fwb said he wouldn't date me bc we live an hour away, but then he had a 'relationship' with someone else in my area. He said the word relationship, but in the end he didnt commit to her either. Her husband committed suicide, and by ex fwb said she needed him. I dont think I can give that to most men. 

I've suspected that I may be too cerebral or intense for most guys. I've been intense since I was around 12, and its increased not decreased. I had to fight to be who I am so I have to be intense, headstrong, or whatever just to exist as my own person. 

[Fletch Lives]

I like a woman who is like a gay man in a woman's body! I don't understand the problem.

[d0nnivain]

I have "masculine" energy too.  Don't worry about it.  Use the good things about it -- you are a clear, direct communicator & work on being a tad more "feminine" in a dating scenario whereby you don't do all the planning & don't always take the lead.  I had to learn to sit on my hands a bit & let the guy come to me.   But other than being more patient & curbing my assertiveness a little, I always found that quality to be an asset in my life.  Be yourself.  The right person is out there.  

What I threw out to the universe when I was dating was "Send me a guy who is strong enough to let me be weak."  It worked. My husband is a Marine Veteran who loves the clarity of my communication & is secure enough in himself to not be intimidated by my "masculine" energy which comes no where near the level of his.  

[Fletch Lives]

2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

you don't do all the planning & don't always take the lead.  I had to learn to sit on my hands a bit & let the guy come to me. 

But there is nothing wrong with that at all. I'm just sayin'

[Gaeta]

I have a lot of masculine energy as well. I'm a problem solver, I take the bull by the horns, I work with numbers and I'm a decision maker at work so I'm more cerebral than emotional. in my dating years I was told I come across as a woman that doesn't need a man. Which is true, I don't need one, but I want one lol

The good  news is those strong masculine qualities will repulse the manipulators & abusers and attract another type of men. I remember asking my ex what attracted him first and he said that I was strong, independent, and did not cling to him. 

You can't change who you are at the core to attract a man. First you will attract the wrong type of man, and second you won't be able to hold on to your fake persona. Be proud of who you are and own it. 

What do you mean by intense? 

Being a strong woman doesn't mean being aggressive, volatile and impulsive. A true strong woman has control over all that. 

[glows]

I don't know what is this masculine vs feminine and find it offensive but get the gist of what you're saying. If this is the case I come from a very, very long line of cerebral women so I would not make the distinction of masc vs fem. 

I see it as simply independent or dependent on hand outs, deep thinking or superficial, problem-solving vs complaining. Doing vs only talking. Integrity at the bottom of everything and just following through with what needs to be done. 

In the midst of all that there's always room for fun and sharing so if someone is more on that wavelength we would obviously get along better than the alternative.

 

[Weezy1973]

I don’t think it would be a problem, you’d just have to find the right match. The thing is I don’t think most “masculine energy” women ate attracted to “feminine energy” men which would be a typical balanced dynamic. Most “masculine energy” women are attracted to even more masculine men as far as I can tell. 

[RecentChange]

Not all men want to "save" a woman.

I have "masculine energy". I grew up a tom boy, most of my friends are male. My interests tend to aline with "guy things" rather than female interest.

Because of those qualities I tend to find it easier to connect with men. 

I don't have to pretend that I need saved, in fact, I find that men tend to really let their guard down and will allow themselves to be vulnerable with me, as they feel like I understand the male point of view - while still of course being a woman, and I do have some natural nurturing qualities. 

Hot potato - I don't think it's this "one thing" standing in the way, but rather a combination of things. Masculine energy is fine - as long as it isn't a brick wall not letting anyone in. 

[hotpotato]

On 4/11/2021 at 10:13 AM, Gaeta said:

I have a lot of masculine energy as well. I'm a problem solver, I take the bull by the horns, I work with numbers and I'm a decision maker at work so I'm more cerebral than emotional. in my dating years I was told I come across as a woman that doesn't need a man. Which is true, I don't need one, but I want one lol

The good  news is those strong masculine qualities will repulse the manipulators & abusers and attract another type of men. I remember asking my ex what attracted him first and he said that I was strong, independent, and did not cling to him. 

You can't change who you are at the core to attract a man. First you will attract the wrong type of man, and second you won't be able to hold on to your fake persona. Be proud of who you are and own it. 

What do you mean by intense? 

Being a strong woman doesn't mean being aggressive, volatile and impulsive. A true strong woman has control over all that. 

At this point guys can feel however they want about me. I dont really date anymore. 

I dont know if being strong or independent keeps abusers away. 

By intense I mean the opposite of docile. I'm very energetic, and I have opinions. 

[hotpotato]

On 4/11/2021 at 11:55 AM, RecentChange said:

Not all men want to "save" a woman.

I have "masculine energy". I grew up a tom boy, most of my friends are male. My interests tend to aline with "guy things" rather than female interest.

Because of those qualities I tend to find it easier to connect with men. 

I don't have to pretend that I need saved, in fact, I find that men tend to really let their guard down and will allow themselves to be vulnerable with me, as they feel like I understand the male point of view - while still of course being a woman, and I do have some natural nurturing qualities. 

Hot potato - I don't think it's this "one thing" standing in the way, but rather a combination of things. Masculine energy is fine - as long as it isn't a brick wall not letting anyone in. 

I dont have male friends. It never worked out well for me. I do have quite a few traditionally male interests. 

I have let men in, and they've always left. Sure, I'm not super talkative like most people imagine a woman should be unless it's a subject I'm very into. I do have quirks like being forgetful sometimes. Even assuming I'm not very open now, I probably was when ineas young, and guys were not exactly bombarding me with commitment.

[d0nnivain]

9 hours ago, hotpotato said:

At this point guys can feel however they want about me. I dont really date anymore. 

I dont know if being strong or independent keeps abusers away. 

By intense I mean the opposite of docile. I'm very energetic, and I have opinions. 

 

9 hours ago, hotpotato said:

I dont have male friends. It never worked out well for me. I do have quite a few traditionally male interests. 

I have let men in, and they've always left. Sure, I'm not super talkative like most people imagine a woman should be unless it's a subject I'm very into. I do have quirks like being forgetful sometimes. Even assuming I'm not very open now, I probably was when ineas young, and guys were not exactly bombarding me with commitment.

 

Having opinions but not being talkative just makes you a person.    It's not masculine or feminine  It's just human.  Don't give up but don't settle for the wrong person.  There's a lid for every pot 

[glows]

11 hours ago, hotpotato said:

I'm not super talkative like most people imagine a woman should be unless it's a subject I'm very into

I'd review this. It probably didn't intend to come out this way and I understand what you're saying. There are social norms relating chattiness to openness, openness to being more inviting and hence more "feminine" where being more feminine is considered an advantage if you are female. 

Challenge it and go about your own way. You simply do not have to say more than you are required and continue enjoying your interests (whatever they may be). 

[SumGuy]

16 hours ago, hotpotato said:

...Sure, I'm not super talkative like most people imagine a woman should be unless it's a subject I'm very into. I do have quirks like being forgetful sometimes. Even assuming I'm not very open now, I probably was when ineas young, and guys were not exactly bombarding me with commitment.

Don't say that like its a bad thing, not everyone enjoys people who prattle on to prattle on.    It's almost more an introvert vs extrovert thing. 

I really don't buy too much into this masculine vs feminine energy, I certainly believe culture's assign certain traits to certain genders...doesn't make them inherent reality which is why I believe cultures work really hard to enforce it on people, keep reminding them lest they decide for themselves, got to keep 'em in the box...and in a modern society there are plenty of large "sub-cultures" where the way you are is perfect.    

Also plenty of "feminine" women bemoan they can't get a guy to commit.  I can't recall if not committing in a relationship is supposed to be "masculine" or not.  The answer always seems to be what is most advantageous to the speaker at the time  

[hotpotato]

On 4/11/2021 at 11:55 AM, RecentChange said:

Not all men want to "save" a woman.

I have "masculine energy". I grew up a tom boy, most of my friends are male. My interests tend to aline with "guy things" rather than female interest.

Because of those qualities I tend to find it easier to connect with men. 

I don't have to pretend that I need saved, in fact, I find that men tend to really let their guard down and will allow themselves to be vulnerable with me, as they feel like I understand the male point of view - while still of course being a woman, and I do have some natural nurturing qualities. 

Hot potato - I don't think it's this "one thing" standing in the way, but rather a combination of things. Masculine energy is fine - as long as it isn't a brick wall not letting anyone in. 

Maybe I am not super open, but look at how I was raised. I was told (and still am) that it's wrong to be me. I grew up basically being told that i needed to be what other people wanted. Anytime i said I wasnt like that i was told I was wrong and dismissed. Maybe I never really had an emotionally open relationship. I surely dont have one with my family, not even to this day. I had to accept that Im not the person they wanted or planned for. 

 

~~~

Here  is the article I was talking about. Not everything on the list describes me. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, hotpotato said:

Here  is the article I was talking about. Not everything on the list describes me. 

Really bad advice in that article. Be yourself. That's the answer.

[FMW]

Feeling like you are not accepted and certainly feeling like a disappointment to someone, especially those that are supposed to accept and love you the most, would take a toll on how you see yourself.  It would also color every experience you have because it would be hard not to think about that when interacting with others.  I don't discount or minimize the impact that would have.

But - we do have the power as adults to make our own way and embrace who we really are.   As long as we aren't hurting anyone else, F them if they don't accept or like us.  We don't have to follow anyone else's checklists of what we should or shouldn't be or do. 

Are you unhappy with yourself, or just unhappy/frustrated with your relationships (or lack thereof) with men?  It's normal, however disheartening at times, for relationships to not work out.  Most people go through several of them before finding one that works.  And although it makes it sting a little more, someone seeming to find their match right after moving on from us happens at times.  It doesn't mean there was anything wrong with you personally, you just weren't a good match for long term.    

If you're unhappy with yourself, then work on whatever it is that YOU would like to be different.  If you feel there is something very specific about what you are doing or saying that is keeping others at a distance, and that you can see might be something you would be comfortable with altering slightly, or softening, then try that.  We all can use little tune ups and tweaks occasionally.  But ultimately, you are who you are.  Be true to yourself and what feels right to you.    

As far as that article, it made me want to roll my eyes from almost the very beginning.  Certainly wasn't worth the time it took to read.    

[hotpotato]

1 hour ago, FMW said:

Feeling like you are not accepted and certainly feeling like a disappointment to someone, especially those that are supposed to accept and love you the most, would take a toll on how you see yourself.  It would also color every experience you have because it would be hard not to think about that when interacting with others.  I don't discount or minimize the impact that would have.

But - we do have the power as adults to make our own way and embrace who we really are.   As long as we aren't hurting anyone else, F them if they don't accept or like us.  We don't have to follow anyone else's checklists of what we should or shouldn't be or do. 

Are you unhappy with yourself, or just unhappy/frustrated with your relationships (or lack thereof) with men?  It's normal, however disheartening at times, for relationships to not work out.  Most people go through several of them before finding one that works.  And although it makes it sting a little more, someone seeming to find their match right after moving on from us happens at times.  It doesn't mean there was anything wrong with you personally, you just weren't a good match for long term.    

If you're unhappy with yourself, then work on whatever it is that YOU would like to be different.  If you feel there is something very specific about what you are doing or saying that is keeping others at a distance, and that you can see might be something you would be comfortable with altering slightly, or softening, then try that.  We all can use little tune ups and tweaks occasionally.  But ultimately, you are who you are.  Be true to yourself and what feels right to you.    

As far as that article, it made me want to roll my eyes from almost the very beginning.  Certainly wasn't worth the time it took to read.    

I hate the underlying tone that im just sitting around not doing anything with my life or with myself. In fact, Ive become more intense and even more weird. 

Yes, I have a lot of resentment towards my family, and that's ok. It's also ok to accept that your family doesn't like you and wanted you to be a different person. I never changed myself for them no matter how much they put me down. I've sometimes physically fought them basically over this subject. I had to grow up with a certain strength. I didn't get care and nurturing or open, loving relationships or whatever. I almost feel like I was raised like someone would raise a boy they were trying to toughen up. Boy Named Sue is one of my favorite song. 

As far as men, the damage has already been done. I highly doubt I'll ever date again seriously. They've already shown that they dont want me, so so be it. Most people don't get dumped every time they date. Allegedly women get bombarded with commitment all the time according to LS. That's never been my experience. If I wanted to date again seriously, id probably need therapy or/and be medicated. 

[FMW]

I certainly didn't mean to offend you, I was offering my thoughts on your situation.  If you just want to vent, vent away.  I hope it helps.

[dramafreezone]

On 4/11/2021 at 5:06 AM, hotpotato said:

For years posters at Ls have been telling me I have masculine energy or that I'm "manly."

Awhile ago I took one of those quizzes, and I answered yes to just about all the questions. 

I dont know if its fixable at this point or if I want to fix it. I suspect that men want to swoop in and save women. My ex fwb said he wouldn't date me bc we live an hour away, but then he had a 'relationship' with someone else in my area. He said the word relationship, but in the end he didnt commit to her either. Her husband committed suicide, and by ex fwb said she needed him. I dont think I can give that to most men. 

I've suspected that I may be too cerebral or intense for most guys. I've been intense since I was around 12, and its increased not decreased. I had to fight to be who I am so I have to be intense, headstrong, or whatever just to exist as my own person. 

Nothing wrong with it.  It's the way you are.  My mom has a lot of masculine energy.

If you're fine matching up with a man with more feminine energy, then you'll enjoy the relationship.

I use to think I liked that, but as i've matured I just think it's what I was conditioned to like based on my mother.  Now, I just want a woman that's agreeable.  "Submissive" is pretty much a curse word these days, but  I do find that I prefer a woman that makes a conscious decision to allow the man to lead.  I know so many people today say they want a 50/50 partnership, but I don't think 50/50 works the best, I believe most things work best with a defined leader.  If you're ok leading and the man wants to follow, then great.

On 4/11/2021 at 8:41 AM, Weezy1973 said:

I don’t think it would be a problem, you’d just have to find the right match. The thing is I don’t think most “masculine energy” women ate attracted to “feminine energy” men which would be a typical balanced dynamic. Most “masculine energy” women are attracted to even more masculine men as far as I can tell. 

I think this is true.  Most "take-charge" type of women would pair well with a guy that wants to follow, but this isn't "manly."  But take-charge men don't want to be tested or challenged all the time by women that naturally want to lead and are trying to wrest control from him, so they just find a woman that's fine with the man leading.  Why continue to butt heads over and over and over?  Gets exhausting.

If you act like you don't need a man, you're self-sufficent, make your own money, make your own decisions, men will generally look at you and say, well ok, if you don't need me I'll move on.  Think of it like this; a man wants to feel needed for what he can provide as a leader/provider just as a woman wants to seen as sexy and attractive.

Edited April 18, 2021 by dramafreezone

[hotpotato]

On 4/18/2021 at 11:24 AM, FMW said:

I certainly didn't mean to offend you, I was offering my thoughts on your situation.  If you just want to vent, vent away.  I hope it helps.

Im not offended.

I'm a mover and a shaker.. 

Also, I don't believe in toxic positivity. I think trying to make people be happy is wrong. People will not always be satisfied with a situation.  I think people should be free to have a wide range of emotions. 

Edited April 19, 2021 by hotpotato

[basil67]

On 4/19/2021 at 7:39 AM, dramafreezone said:

If you're fine matching up with a man with more feminine energy, then you'll enjoy the relationship.

I will raise my hand for having masculine energy too - and my husband also has masculine energy.  He's a typical man's man.  However we provide our yin and yang in other ways.   For example, I'm impulsive and he's slow to move - the end result being that we get things done at the right time     

We don't need a more feminine man.  

 

[basil67]

On 4/18/2021 at 9:04 PM, hotpotato said:

Here  is the article I was talking about. Not everything on the list describes me. 

@hotpotato that article is horrible.  Not only for how it speaks to women, but also taking toxic traits and labelling them masculine.    If it was a print magazine, I'd tell you to burn it.  But as it's online, I will caution you to be more discriminate about what you read.

[Stupidkupid]

21 hours ago, basil67 said:

I will raise my hand for having masculine energy too - and my husband also has masculine energy.  He's a typical man's man.  However we provide our yin and yang in other ways.   For example, I'm impulsive and he's slow to move - the end result being that we get things done at the right time     

We don't need a more feminine man.  

 

Similar here.

We are both driven and career minded in male dominated induatries and we get along fine. Sometimes he leads on stuff. Sometimes I do.

Whatever it is, we support each other and consider each other automonous. He makes his own decisions and I make mine. But we say if we don't like something and discuss. But ultimately, that we are in a committed, long term relationship doesn't change our right to control our own lives.

He loves that I'm independant and frankly, I like that he won't take my sh**

[Stupidkupid]

21 hours ago, basil67 said:

@hotpotato that article is horrible.  Not only for how it speaks to women, but also taking toxic traits and labelling them masculine.    If it was a print magazine, I'd tell you to burn it.  But as it's online, I will caution you to be more discriminate about what you read.

I actually can't read this as I'm based in Europe but sounds awful.