Best options with a partner who doesn't want to talk about their stress and issues

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry, OP. I think your relationsship is coming to an end and she's just mustering up the courage to tell you. 

[MisteriousStranger]

Yeah you are probably right...

It sucks because I really thought she was the one, she clicked all the boxes! All of them!!! And I have high standards.. And everything was so perfect and magical, thats why it makes it so much harder to swallow or accept, because I thought this might be the one... I really did...

Everything was perfect, she even did an amazing thing for me not long ago and tolf me how much I mean to her and all of it, and then all of a sudden it was like a 180 turn from her, suddenly nothing from her out of the blue, and now that she was thinking everything through and with the study and work she has planned for the next years she just has a hard time seeing how it could work because there wont be enough time for us and she will need to focus on this hard to make it work, and I would only distract her, I already have in these months.

She says her heart is telling her one thing but her head is telling her another thing, because she really sees me as someone with who she could have a life in the future, but the timing is just wrong now and shes not sure if it could work, so she doesnt really know what to do.

[Negotaurus]

38 minutes ago, MisteriousStranger said:

Yeah you are probably right...

It sucks because I really thought she was the one, she clicked all the boxes! All of them!!! And I have high standards.. And everything was so perfect and magical, thats why it makes it so much harder to swallow or accept, because I thought this might be the one... I really did...

Everything was perfect, she even did an amazing thing for me not long ago and tolf me how much I mean to her and all of it, and then all of a sudden it was like a 180 turn from her, suddenly nothing from her out of the blue, and now that she was thinking everything through and with the study and work she has planned for the next years she just has a hard time seeing how it could work because there wont be enough time for us and she will need to focus on this hard to make it work, and I would only distract her, I already have in these months.

She says her heart is telling her one thing but her head is telling her another thing, because she really sees me as someone with who she could have a life in the future, but the timing is just wrong now and shes not sure if it could work, so she doesnt really know what to do.

I may come off as a bit of a debbie downer, but for your own sake, keep in mind that there is no need for you to waste your time on analysing what she means/thinks/feels, it is absolutely pointless. This is such a textbook way of dumping somebody - she is being quite cowardly about it and only keeping her best interests in mind. If she cared about how this might affect you, she would rip off the bandaid and let you move on. She is being wishy-washy about it, she "doesn't know" after she's been stringing you along for ages, ignoring you, in my opinion this is such a cruel way of ending a relationship. 

Best thing for you would be to block her and focus on yourself. Eat healthy, sleep, give more attention to your hobbies, exercising is a wonderful tool to use. Vent here if you feel like it, let it out, heal. 

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately she's not very original in her breakup. She has every "it's me not you" cliche on the list.

Step back. Think about it. She's not confused or stressed or busy or whatever.

Was she on/off with an ex or talking to an ex? Was she on the rebound when you met?

Right now you're hurt and focused on your feelings about her, understandably.

Do not stay friends or be on hold. These are more "it's me not you" tactics.

The worst part is she tried to tiptoe out the back door as if you wouldn't notice. 

You don't have answers right now. But it seems very likely there's someone else.

No one is too stressed, too busy, too confused, etc, etc for what's important to them.

[MisteriousStranger]

I feel really bad because I genuently thought this person was the one, and everything was beyond perfect for so many months, so how can I even trust someone in the future not to do the same thing? If it can happen this suddenly out of the blue?

And how can I give my 100% to someone, if it seems like its not enough and it can get abused and they leave me and disappoint me...

It just feels so shitty... everything...

[NYAG]

2 minutes ago, MisteriousStranger said:

I feel really bad because I genuently thought this person was the one, and everything was beyond perfect for so many months, so how can I even trust someone in the future not to do the same thing? If it can happen this suddenly out of the blue?

And how can I give my 100% to someone, if it seems like its not enough and it can get abused and they leave me and disappoint me...

It just feels so shitty... everything...

You face this risk with anyone. And if you don't want to face the risk then you end up being single forever. And do you want that? Sometimes you just have to stick your neck out and risk it for the person you like. But keeping an eye out for red flags and unusual behaviour is really important if you want to be sure the person you are interested in is honest and above board, and that's an ongoing lesson that never ends whether you are 20, 40 or 65. Don't think that this experience will be all your experiences. It probably won't be.

[SaraSays]

12 minutes ago, MisteriousStranger said:

I feel really bad because I genuently thought this person was the one, and everything was beyond perfect for so many months, so how can I even trust someone in the future not to do the same thing? If it can happen this suddenly out of the blue?

And how can I give my 100% to someone, if it seems like its not enough and it can get abused and they leave me and disappoint me...

It just feels so shitty... everything...

I am sorry that this is happening.

There isn't any such thing as the one, I would say - that's an idea from Hollywood, not real life. That's great news - plenty of people can be a good fit for us and us for them. There are almost 8 billion people in the world, and we, across a whole lifetime, don't even cross paths with 1% of them.

I also don't think it should be anyone's thinking to give 100% - an entire life matters, inclusive of each person separately, as well as the union, as well as friendships, as well as hobbies, as well as goals, I think.

Edited April 14, 2021 by SaraSays

[glows]

Take it one day at at time. You don't need all the answers right now this instant. Your heart will catch up eventually to your brain and what's going on with the situation. 

When someone doesn't make time for you or won't, that person simply isn't there. She hasn't been there for you for awhile and you've been leading yourself on, telling yourself that she is dealing with other things. In actuality she doesn't feel the same way about you. 

When a break up happens, both involved don't exactly know how that break up or shift will affect them going forward. If you're feeling betrayed, sad and all those things it's not out of the ordinary but it'll pass. 

What you do is you keep working on other things that you have to do and don't let this interfere with work, your other relationships (friends and family) and don't be afraid to ask for help either. If you need counseling or want to talk with someone, I'd encourage it. It's never a shameful thing to want to feel heard or to seek support.

 

[MisteriousStranger]

Usually in a relationship things start going south tho so you can guess its going downhill, while this time it was all of a sudden, so its a big shock to me. One of the reasons is probably that she keeps things inside usually when she has issues and problems and doesn't talk about it, so thats probably why its been boiling in her for a while, but I was unaware.

[Gaeta]

36 minutes ago, MisteriousStranger said:

I feel really bad because I genuently thought this person was the one, and everything was beyond perfect for so many months, so how can I even trust someone in the future not to do the same thing? If it can happen this suddenly out of the blue?

And how can I give my 100% to someone, if it seems like its not enough and it can get abused and they leave me and disappoint me...

It just feels so shitty... everything...

Same thing happened to me except we were together 5 years, I felt and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and it abruptly ended. Of course at first you feel you'll never trust someone with your heart again but in time that dissipates. I am almost 5 months post-breakup and the worse is behind me now and I know I will trust again. What's the alternative? never love and trust again? not how I want to live my life. 

 

[MisteriousStranger]

39 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Same thing happened to me except we were together 5 years, I felt and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and it abruptly ended. Of course at first you feel you'll never trust someone with your heart again but in time that dissipates. I am almost 5 months post-breakup and the worse is behind me now and I know I will trust again. What's the alternative? never love and trust again? not how I want to live my life. 

 

 

Is this really what happened to you? Thats horrible.... what was the reason that it ended so abruptly?

[Gaeta]

24 minutes ago, MisteriousStranger said:

 

Is this really what happened to you? Thats horrible.... what was the reason that it ended so abruptly?

I discovered he had a double life. He had sex with random women. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, MisteriousStranger said:

 how can I even trust someone in the future not to do the same thing?

Ok. Now you're catastrophizing. You dated 11 mos and it was a lousy breakup. 

[NYAG]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

Same thing happened to me except we were together 5 years, I felt and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and it abruptly ended. Of course at first you feel you'll never trust someone with your heart again but in time that dissipates. I am almost 5 months post-breakup and the worse is behind me now and I know I will trust again. What's the alternative? never love and trust again? not how I want to live my life. 

 

I am 6 years post my last proper relationship and I'm still not ready to trust, hence my sketchy dating styles which allow me to date without risking the fall. In fact, I'm okay with that now and I've met much nicer people in the last 6 years. I I know things will change (probably) eventually.

[Crazelnut]

If she doesn't want to break up, then what exactly is your relationship? Answer: it's whatever SHE thinks it is. Don't let her control the situation. She can't string you along like this.  Just make the breakup official and don't look back.  Sorry this happened.

[Alpacalia]

This was not about how your girlfriend processes stress. This was about her decision to end the relationship (although in a jerky manner) after 11 months together.

It is shocking and devastating when a partner abruptly departs, particularly if it occurs without notice.

Regrettably, you may not be able to obtain the resolution you want. 

[MisteriousStranger]

So why are some people so shitty then? Especially after everything was so great and they were so happy and you did so many nice things, to just end things like this?

[Gaeta]

Because nothing stands still. People and feelings change for various reasons, sometimes for no reasons at all. As time goes by you will start remembering little things here and there that you should paid attention to. It's not your fault for not seeing them, you were in love and trusted your feelings were in good hands. 

The good  news is you will move on from this, you will learn a few things, and you will fall in love again. You'll be a little wiser, you'll pick better, and life goes on. 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

the good  news is you will move on from this, you will learn a few things, and you will fall in love again. You'll be a little wiser, you'll pick better, and life goes on. 

Absolutely. 

Many of us have been through an awful break-up at some point, OP. Some more than once. Some after years of believing the person was the one we'd spend a lifetime with. But, things sometimes change. People change. And not always for the better, and yes, we risk getting hurt. 

It doesn't have to spell the end of your love life, though.  You will heal, and as Gaeta points out you will likely learn a lot from this. You will probably also realize things weren't totally perfect (they rarely ever are).  It won't feel quite so catastrophic a few months from now. 

[Stupidkupid]

1 hour ago, MisteriousStranger said:

So why are some people so shitty then? Especially after everything was so great and they were so happy and you did so many nice things, to just end things like this?

I don't think she was being deliberately shitty. Perhaps she knows no better or she thinks its normal to feel this way in a relationship.

But its not, not unless you're no longer feeling or unless things have been (as you say) going downhill. 

I think you tell her that what shes doing to you is unfair and that all people have a right to know where they stand. 

Others may disagree here but if shes never really ended a relationship before I don't think it would hurt to politely let her know that this is not the way to do it.

I think what she wants is to not be in a relationship with you but have you there as a back up if she needs ... whatever it is she might need. But you're not a fall back and you're not door mat. 

11 months is not that long (although if you're very young it can seen it). People ebd 20 year relationships, get very badly treated and find ways to move on.

One thing I would add is that your romanticism (the one etc) may be part of ger problem. This is a good time for introspection and to ask yourself if you were perhaps occasionally a bit overbearing, not everyone thinks and feels the same way.

That doesn't excuse hee behaviour but i find i learn something about myself in all relationships even if I don't like it or even if its just where my boundaries are.

I hope you're soon feeling better. Give it some time

[MisteriousStranger]

11 minutes ago, Stupidkupid said:

I don't think she was being deliberately shitty. Perhaps she knows no better or she thinks its normal to feel this way in a relationship.

But its not, not unless you're no longer feeling or unless things have been (as you say) going downhill. 

I think you tell her that what shes doing to you is unfair and that all people have a right to know where they stand. 

Others may disagree here but if shes never really ended a relationship before I don't think it would hurt to politely let her know that this is not the way to do it.

I think what she wants is to not be in a relationship with you but have you there as a back up if she needs ... whatever it is she might need. But you're not a fall back and you're not door mat. 

11 months is not that long (although if you're very young it can seen it). People ebd 20 year relationships, get very badly treated and find ways to move on.

One thing I would add is that your romanticism (the one etc) may be part of ger problem. This is a good time for introspection and to ask yourself if you were perhaps occasionally a bit overbearing, not everyone thinks and feels the same way.

That doesn't excuse hee behaviour but i find i learn something about myself in all relationships even if I don't like it or even if its just where my boundaries are.

I hope you're soon feeling better. Give it some time

Overbearing in what sense?

[Stupidkupid]

Just now, MisteriousStranger said:

Overbearing in what sense?

Do you give your partner enough space? The space that *they* need for themselves not what you might think they need? Do you want to do everything together? Do you try to spend all of your free time with them? Do you have insecurities that you might be projecting and so over conoensating?

I'm not saying you do, I'm not there and I don't know you but I think at the end of any relationship its worth looking back on how we behaved.

An example, in one your replies you talk about all the things you've done for her. It comes across as though you're keeping count. I'm sure you're not but when we feel defensive or insecure in a relationship we don't always portray the best version of ourselves.

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, MisteriousStranger said:

So why are some people so shitty then? 

I don't think she dislikes you or set out to hurt you, so I would reframe this as "breakups suck".

It sounds like she wasn't sure how to end things. Sadly the way she went about it, naïve, inexperienced, whatever did more harm than good...

Cowardly, slow fade, excuses, 'lets be friends', etc. This is someone who does not deal with people squarely.

I'm sure you're tired of clichés now, but in the long run...you dodged a bullet. 

Sorry this happened, try not to be bitter. Nothing worse than someone who is not straight up and clear in a lame attempt not to hurt people.

 

Edited April 14, 2021 by Wiseman2

[MisteriousStranger]

5 minutes ago, Stupidkupid said:

Do you give your partner enough space? The space that *they* need for themselves not what you might think they need? Do you want to do everything together? Do you try to spend all of your free time with them? Do you have insecurities that you might be projecting and so over conoensating?

I'm not saying you do, I'm not there and I don't know you but I think at the end of any relationship its worth looking back on how we behaved.

An example, in one your replies you talk about all the things you've done for her. It comes across as though you're keeping count. I'm sure you're not but when we feel defensive or insecure in a relationship we don't always portray the best version of ourselves.

 

No I give my partner enough space, thats def true.

The only thing that I might see that is maybe not the best is that im very romantic and caring and do alot of small things and suprizes and romantic stuff, which I guess girls like, but I do it alot and often, perhaps for some maybe its too much, alltho she told me she is a person that likes this alot.

[MisteriousStranger]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

I'm sure you're tired of clichés now, but in the long run...you dodged a bullet.

How are you so sure of that?