Best options with a partner who doesn't want to talk about their stress and issues

[MisteriousStranger]

Yeah but if we were dating ok but how can you be like that with your partner? You should at the very least talk to your partner about it... I just don't get it..

[MisteriousStranger]

Interesting, now after ignoring my message yesterday today she replied and said how im doing, that she went on a walk yesterday and did this and that etc... talking about her day

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, FMW said:

Unfortunately we don't always get to understand why someone does what they do in a relationship.  But we absolutely get to choose whether or not we stick around for it.

Re-quoting for emphasis.  Wise words. 

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, MisteriousStranger said:

Interesting, now after ignoring my message yesterday today she replied and said how im doing, that she went on a walk yesterday and did this and that etc... talking about her day

She is BSing you. Big time.

How long have you been dating?

Edited April 13, 2021 by Gaeta

[elaine567]

I don't think this behaviour really falls within the limits of "normal".
There is another side to the story or she is indeed mentally ill.
Is there any history of mental illness?

[MisteriousStranger]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

She is BSing you. Big time.

How long have you been dating?

11 months

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, MisteriousStranger said:

11 months

Has she always been like this since the beginning? Or you've noticed it's worse as of lately?

[Alpacalia]

Did you two have some type of disagreement prior or has she always been this way?

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, MisteriousStranger said:

11 months

Wow, that sucks.  After that long, simple "stress" wouldn't be the nail in the coffin.  What does her social media look like these days?

[Gaeta]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What does her social media look like these days?

He said she is not on social media

[Stupidkupid]

3 hours ago, MisteriousStranger said:

11 months

Hmm.

Is she bread crumbing you? I feel like you should just tell her how shes made you feel and why. She seems to enjoy your chasing her around

[glows]

I went back to reread your first post and I think she struggles quite a lot. Her coping skills aren't really there and this is not judgment on her abilities or her as a person. She sounds like she is really struggling and not handling what she's going through, whatever that may be. I don't think it will benefit you thinking that there's someone else (don't go there). She may not be ready for a relationship and that's something both of you haven't come to terms with yet. 

 

Edited April 13, 2021 by glows

[MisteriousStranger]

Ok guys, update.

I went to visit her.

She told me shes been a bit confused for the past few weeks about us, due to various reasons, specially where we currently are, she has some things in her life now and where she studies and works at the same time and has a ton of time needed for that, and lots of things going on and doesn't have enough space for a boyfriend, she felt strongly about me before but now she doesn't feel quite the same, she isnt as excited anymore to see me, shes confused and doesn't really know what she wants.

I told her in that case we should break up then and she didn't want it, she said she doesn't want to lose me, but is confused about it and needs time to think things through and see how everything goes, she doesn't want to break up and then after 2 weeks feel the same as before and regret it, she just wants to see what happens between us, but that we should just have more space now and not really act like a couple but more like dating and getting to know each other, more reserved.

She said she feels like shes not ready for a commited relationship at the moment because shes not capable of giving me 100% due to whats going on in her life and I deserve that, so she doesn't know what to do honestly.

What a mess

Edited April 13, 2021 by MisteriousStranger

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, MisteriousStranger said:

lots of things going on and doesn't have enough space for a boyfriend,

she doesn't feel quite the same, she isnt as excited anymore to see me,

shes confused and doesn't really know what she wants.

What a mess

Sorry to hear this. Good you brought it to a head and confronted her. Don't be in limbo or on standby. She's test driving someone else and this the typical litany of excuse and pleas for that. She was too cowardly to end it.

[Stupidkupid]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear this. Good you brought it to a head and confronted her. Don't be in limbo or on standby. She's test driving someone else and this the typical litany of excuse and pleas for that. She was too cowardly to end it.

Yep. This.

I'm sorry it turned out this was @MisteriousStranger although I can't say I'm wholly surprised. (See comments above from me)

11 months isn't all that long and these past 2 weeks really don't give a good insight into how she deals with stuff.

Shes actually treated you pretty badly in thus respect as she waa content for you to keep chasing your tail rather than be honest where she was at a week ago.

[glows]

11 minutes ago, MisteriousStranger said:

Ok guys, update.

I went to visit her.

She told me shes been a bit confused for the past few weeks about us, due to various reasons, specially where we currently are, she has some things in her life now and where she studies and works at the same time and has a ton of time needed for that, and lots of things going on and doesn't have enough space for a boyfriend, she felt strongly about me before but now she doesn't feel quite the same, she isnt as excited anymore to see me, shes confused and doesn't really know what she wants.

I told her in that case we should break up then and she didn't want it, she said she doesn't want to lose me, but is confused about it and needs time to think things through and see how everything goes, she doesn't want to break up and then after 2 weeks feel the same as before and regret it, she just wants to see what happens between us, but that we should just have more space now and not really act like a couple but more like dating and getting to know each other, more reserved.

She said she feels like shes not ready for a commited relationship at the moment because shes not capable of giving me 100% due to whats going on in her life and I deserve that, so she doesn't know what to do honestly.

What a mess

The part in bold. This is a break up. I'm sorry she's not doing it right. 

[FMW]

42 minutes ago, MisteriousStranger said:

she doesn't want to break up

What do YOU want to do?  Are you willing to wait for her to decide?  

I think it would be in your best interest to break up and be free to date other women.  If she decides to come back to you later, you can choose then what you want to do.  But don't put yourself on a shelf waiting for her to decide whether or not you can come down and play.  

[dramafreezone]

Why do you feel that you have to be her therapist or her fixer?

Some people just like to ruminate on their issues and work through them like that.  She's told you she's like that.  So what's the problem with leaving it be?

With some, the more you push the more they'll resist, so how about just dropping the issue, just be present, be a beacon of peace and stability.  If she wants to share, she will.  I think you're much more likely to get her to share than what you're doing now, which comes off as insecure IMO.

Quote

 

Ok guys, update.

I went to visit her.

She told me shes been a bit confused for the past few weeks about us, due to various reasons, specially where we currently are, she has some things in her life now and where she studies and works at the same time and has a ton of time needed for that, and lots of things going on and doesn't have enough space for a boyfriend, she felt strongly about me before but now she doesn't feel quite the same, she isnt as excited anymore to see me, shes confused and doesn't really know what she wants.

I told her in that case we should break up then and she didn't want it, she said she doesn't want to lose me, but is confused about it and needs time to think things through and see how everything goes, she doesn't want to break up and then after 2 weeks feel the same as before and regret it, she just wants to see what happens between us, but that we should just have more space now and not really act like a couple but more like dating and getting to know each other, more reserved.

She said she feels like shes not ready for a commited relationship at the moment because shes not capable of giving me 100% due to whats going on in her life and I deserve that, so she doesn't know what to do honestly.

What a mess

 

Just read this.  It's just what I thought.

Pleading with her to share with you, asking about her problems, comes off as needy IMO.  Have you been saying things like "Is it me" or any version of that?  That's a huge attraction killer.  It's the biggest mistake we guys make.  She has a bad day or something and doesn't want to talk, we automatically think there's some major problem, or that it's us.  Sometimes people just have bad days, or bad weeks.  They have to work through it, but we guys think that we have to fix things.

Nothing you can do at this point but let her leave, don't push so hard next time.

Edited April 13, 2021 by dramafreezone

[MisteriousStranger]

But the thing is she doesn't want to break up, when she told me all this I plain up thought she was gonna break up, and I even said about breaking up and she said she doesn't want to because she doesn't want to regret it later, and she just doesn't know in this moment, so she is confusing as sh*t, can someone explain this? If she was past it she would just be ok to break up, why is she playing this game now?

[glows]

6 minutes ago, MisteriousStranger said:

But the thing is she doesn't want to break up, when she told me all this I plain up thought she was gonna break up, and I even said about breaking up and she said she doesn't want to because she doesn't want to regret it later, and she just doesn't know in this moment, so she is confusing as sh*t, can someone explain this? If she was past it she would just be ok to break up, why is she playing this game now?

I don't think she is playing a game. Breaking up with someone is not easy to do and I don't blame her if this is her first relationship or if she's never broken up with a guy before. I do think she doesn't feel the same way about you or has emotionally lost that connection with you that you both used to have. 

You do deserve 100% of someone if 100% is what you are able to give. She is telling you today that she is not ready for a committed relationship. The key words here are "committed" and "not capable of giving you 100%". If those are things you want: commitment and 100%, then the answer is fairly straightforward. 

[dramafreezone]

Sounds like she wants to break up.

She says she's not ready for a committed relationship (which is stated as a matter of fact), but says she doesn't want to lose you (which is a wish)?   The surest way to not lose you is to be in a committed relationship, so she's implicitly stated her priority.

You can't always try to make sense of the dumper's talk/rationale.  When the words don't make sense just look at the actions.  She's been pulling away for weeks.  She's just trying to let you down easy but she clearly doesn't want to be with you.

Edited April 13, 2021 by dramafreezone

[FMW]

1 hour ago, MisteriousStranger said:

lots of things going on and doesn't have enough space for a boyfriend

she felt strongly about me before but now she doesn't feel quite the same, she isnt as excited anymore to see me

she just wants to see what happens between us, but that we should just have more space now and not really act like a couple but more like dating and getting to know each other, more reserved.

She said she feels like shes not ready for a commited relationship at the moment because shes not capable of giving me 100% 

What others do doesn't always make sense to us.  No, you don't understand "why".  But what should be clear is that she only wants to see you on her terms, and she isn't even showing much enthusiasm for that.  Don't hold on to her saying she doesn't want to break up with you. The rest of what she said negated any positivity that might otherwise impart. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Dude, she's going to string you along further as long as you let her do so. And then she will coldly dump you, and you will feel the ache of having been a sucker.

Get your life outside of her going, get that life working and you won't put up with this wishy-washiness. 

She's in control right now. She's got you waiting and thinking about how to fit around her life. Doesn't work. 

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, MisteriousStranger said:

But the thing is she doesn't want to break up

Yes she wants to break up. What she wants is to keep you as a backup in case her other plan doesn't materialize. You break up and let her figure herself out. She was not honest with you, she mislead you, and while you stand by for her she will be building something with someone else. 

Your best move is to breakup. If ever she has any feelings left for you, she will only realize it once you're gone. 

I'm sorry you're going through this. 

[spiderowl]

On 4/11/2021 at 2:58 PM, MisteriousStranger said:

But I don't get how sending a very thoughtful and cute text in the morning is wrong, I really don't, so I shouldn't do anything to brighten up her mood or give her a small smile when she wakes up? I don't get this to be honest

Honestly, OP, if she is really upset or worried about something, this is the last thing she'd want.  It is tantamount to saying 'cheer up' when someone is really struggling.  If they could cheer up, they would!  It only serves to confirm to her that you do not understand her.  From your point of view, you cannot understand her because she doesn't share.  It is possible she is not sharing because she feels you are not able to understand whatever is bothering her or would respond inappropriately.

I am not saying here you are doing anything wrong to try to understand her: I think you are right in wondering if there is something amiss here.  If she is not sharing, it may be because she feels she cannot share with you.  That, to me, is a sign that the relationship is not as it should be for either of you.  

She is not sharing with you at her most stressful times and you are feeling shut out and cut off.  You are not comfortable about this and why should you be? It feels like a red flag to you.

None of us here know what is bothering your girlfriend but it is bothering you sufficiently that you are worried it is coming between you.  I think you are right: something is too much for her to share with you and she is withdrawing.  I have a feeling that this is not just a transient phase but a warning that the relationship is in trouble.

Edited April 14, 2021 by spiderowl