Best options with a partner who doesn't want to talk about their stress and issues

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, MisteriousStranger said:

But I don't get how sending a very thoughtful and cute text in the morning is wrong, I really don't, so I shouldn't do anything to brighten up her mood or give her a small smile when she wakes up?

Because it's not working.

[smackie9]

She's a private person. Just ignore it. Carry on as normal, suggest going out doing fun things or talk about things to distract her from her worries but don't over do it, don't  bring it up and everything should be fine. Stop over analyzing everything.

[basil67]

Unlike the posters who are giving advice on how to deal with it, I earlier shared that I told a bf who would shut down to leave - and he did.  (I told him that I will not accept being spoken to in monosyllabic terms in my own house) 

So, stepping away from the idea of helping her, how do YOU feel about this?   Do you still feel respected, valued and loved when she does this?   I'm not trying to put words in your mouth here because she's probably not as bad as the one I threw out......but if she isn't giving you the kind of sharing relationship you seek, you may need to reassess.  

Edited April 11, 2021 by basil67

[MisteriousStranger]

15 hours ago, basil67 said:

Unlike the posters who are giving advice on how to deal with it, I earlier shared that I told a bf who would shut down to leave - and he did.  (I told him that I will not accept being spoken to in monosyllabic terms in my own house) 

So, stepping away from the idea of helping her, how do YOU feel about this?   Do you still feel respected, valued and loved when she does this?   I'm not trying to put words in your mouth here because she's probably not as bad as the one I threw out......but if she isn't giving you the kind of sharing relationship you seek, you may need to reassess.  

 

I feel kind of alone now, in the sense of the relationship, almost feels like its just me, shes not really present like before, almost like shes invisible and doesn't exist.

[BaileyB]

8 minutes ago, MisteriousStranger said:

 

I feel kind of alone now, in the sense of the relationship, almost feels like its just me, shes not really present like before, almost like shes invisible and doesn't exist.

That’s not a good thing, particularly if you feel this way for an extended period of time. 
While many people do cope with difficult things by withdrawing and keeping things to themselves, if you are in a relationship there is the expectation that there will be some communication and effort made to keep the connection. 

Edited April 12, 2021 by BaileyB

[FMW]

14 minutes ago, MisteriousStranger said:

I feel kind of alone now, in the sense of the relationship, almost feels like its just me, shes not really present like before, almost like shes invisible and doesn't exist.

You have to decide what is best for you.  You can't change her, but you don't have to accept it..  You shouldn't stay in a relationship that makes you feel alone.

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, MisteriousStranger said:

 

I feel kind of alone now, in the sense of the relationship, almost feels like its just me, shes not really present like before, almost like shes invisible and doesn't exist.

3 to 5 days I would not worry, over 5 days I would start wondering if something else isn't going on. 

[MisteriousStranger]

Just now, Gaeta said:

3 to 5 days I would not worry, over 5 days I would start wondering if something else isn't going on. 

And what would you do after 5 days?

[NYAG]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

That’s not a good thing, particularly if you feel this way for an extended period of time. 
While many people do cope with difficult things by withdrawing and keeping things to themselves, if you are in a relationship there is the expectation that there will be some communication and effort made to keep the connection. 

It needs to be a two way thing but it depends a lot on the couple. It may mean that this relationship style just isn't for you. Someone else may react to it differently.

[Gaeta]

16 minutes ago, MisteriousStranger said:

And what would you do after 5 days?

How many days it's been now? Is she active on her social media?

[glows]

If it goes on for stretches of time, there are probably deeper issues going on with your relationship or your partner, OP. It would be a good time to re-evaluate whether this is the right woman/relationship for you.

Edited April 12, 2021 by glows

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, MisteriousStranger said:

And what would you do after 5 days?

It’s time for a serious discussion.
It starts with - how are you? I’m worried about you. What can I do to support you?
And, depending on her response, it may end with... this isn’t working for me. You need to take the time you need, I’m stepping away...

Edited April 12, 2021 by BaileyB

[MisteriousStranger]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

How many days it's been now? Is she active on her social media?

7 days, she doesn't use social media

[ExpatInItaly]

15 minutes ago, MisteriousStranger said:

7 days, she doesn't use social media

Do you mean she hasn't spoken to you for 7 days?

[Gaeta]

10 minutes ago, MisteriousStranger said:

7 days, she doesn't use social media

In my opinion this is too long to be about managing stress. Like BaileyB suggested it's time for a serious conversation. I would tell her I understand she manages her stress by keeping away but at this point (7 days) she needs to understand she is not alone in this relationship and her actions are damaging. I would also tell her (which I did tell someone once) if she doesn't snap out of it by the end of the week she can consider this relationship over. 

Honestly, at 7 days now I think she is hiding something from you. It's not about stress anymore. I would start to suspect she is seeing someone else. 

[Stupidkupid]

Just my view... this wouldn't work for me. So, if this was my partners style then they wouldn't be my partner. That's not to say its wrong. We are all different. But its not compatible with me. And sounds like its not compatible with you either.

Have seen your recent replies and note its now been 7 days. And like the other replies I wonder if there is more going on.

Whenever I have behaved this way in the past its because I'm actually considering my relationship and have slightly withdrawn to give myself space to do that 

I'm not saying that this is whats happening here, with you, but rather that it does feel like there might be something else going on with her.

Edited April 12, 2021 by Stupidkupid

[Wiseman2]

30 minutes ago, Stupidkupid said:

Have seen your recent replies and note its now been 7 days. And like the other replies I wonder if there is more going on.

Agree, there's more to this than stress and space. Consider that this may unfortunately a cowardly way to tiptoe out of the relationship.

[MisteriousStranger]

What I dont get is that this happened in 1 day to the 2nd, it was all great and perfect then all of a sudden it was like this.

Yesterday I sent her a really nice loving text that I'm here for her and kisses and all, and she read it but didn't reply even.

I don't know if I should just plain out stop texting now and see if she makes an effort to reach out or just tell her we need to talk and try to tell her she needs to open up or this won't work like this, or I don't know 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, MisteriousStranger said:

What I dont get is that this happened in 1 day to the 2nd, it was all great and perfect then all of a sudden it was like this.

Yesterday I sent her a really nice loving text that I'm here for her and kisses and all, and she read it but didn't reply even.

I don't know if I should just plain out stop texting now and see if she makes an effort to reach out or just tell her we need to talk and try to tell her she needs to open up or this won't work like this, or I don't know 

Sorry this is happening . You need to stop contacting her. She hasn't answered you in over a week.

 She sees your communication, she just doesn't want to interact or talk to you.

Step way back. . She has friends and family she's talking to. .

They may be advising her to just ghost because you kept sending silly nonsense and refuse to leave her alone when she asked.

You also need to consider that she moved on or there's someone else. 

Often people use the "busy", "stressed", "space" excuses to get out of a relationship. Sadly that seems to be the case.

At this time, it may help to reflect on your own needs, communication style, boundaries and whether anxiety is a driving factor in suffocating someone or sending nonsense rather than mature communication.

At any rate. Don't text unless you hear from her.

[MisteriousStranger]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening . You need to stop contacting her. She hasn't answered you in over a week.

 She sees your communication, she just doesn't want to interact or talk to you.

Step way back. . She has friends and family she's talking to. .

They may be advising her to just ghost because you kept sending silly nonsense and refuse to leave her alone when she asked.

You also need to consider that she moved on or there's someone else. 

Often people use the "busy", "stressed", "space" excuses to get out of a relationship. Sadly that seems to be the case.

At this time, it may help to reflect on your own needs, communication style, boundaries and whether anxiety is a driving factor in suffocating someone or sending nonsense rather than mature communication.

At any rate. Don't text unless you hear from her.

She did respond in the days before but we just exchanged like 3 4 things and that was it, she was not in the mood, but always reacted positive to what i sent

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, MisteriousStranger said:

She did respond in the days before but we just exchanged like 3 4 things and that was it, she was not in the mood, but always reacted positive to what i sent

Unfortunately you need to take the hint and back up. You appear so anxious that you gloss over any advice, and just keep repeating that it used to be good and how you send these "funny" texts.

To be honest, the proof of what's happening is in her leaving you on read.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, MisteriousStranger said:

Yesterday I sent her a really nice loving text that I'm here for her and kisses and all, and she read it but didn't reply even.

I don't know if I should just plain out stop texting now and see if she makes an effort to reach out or just tell her we need to talk and try to tell her she needs to open up or this won't work like this, or I don't know 

I don't know, OP. I agree with the others that it might not be just stress-related anymore. 

Hard as it will be, I'd do nothing for a couple days. See if she initiates contact. If you hear nothing, then I would call her. Not text. Ask her to share what's on her mind, even if it's hard for her to say. 

[Gaeta]

With what I have been through lately, and what I learn from it,  I would show up at her door. I would not call or text, I would go knock at her door. A) that will indicate how important the situation has become B) Harder to fake it when face to face. 

 

 

Edited April 13, 2021 by Gaeta

[FMW]

As I noted in an earlier response, I'm a person who needs space sometimes.  But ignoring you for a week is not acceptable. 

I don't think anything you do is going to make a difference to what she does at this point, she can't reasonably expect that you would just wait around for her, whether she's just having a stress problem or she's gone silent for another reason.  So you get to choose how you handle it - either confront her or leave her alone and move on.  As I said, I don't think either will make a difference in what she does.  And even if she gets back in touch I wouldn't trust her to not disappear again.    

Unfortunately we don't always get to understand why someone does what they do in a relationship.  But we absolutely get to choose whether or not we stick around for it.

[NYAG]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening . You need to stop contacting her. She hasn't answered you in over a week.

 She sees your communication, she just doesn't want to interact or talk to you.

Step way back. . She has friends and family she's talking to. .

They may be advising her to just ghost because you kept sending silly nonsense and refuse to leave her alone when she asked.

You also need to consider that she moved on or there's someone else. 

Often people use the "busy", "stressed", "space" excuses to get out of a relationship. Sadly that seems to be the case.

At this time, it may help to reflect on your own needs, communication style, boundaries and whether anxiety is a driving factor in suffocating someone or sending nonsense rather than mature communication.

At any rate. Don't text unless you hear from her.

I agree with this. Always heed the silence. Ghosting is the easy way out. I suggest that since she is reading your messages, she doesn't want to know. Time to step back.