Best options with a partner who doesn't want to talk about their stress and issues

[BaileyB]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately, for someone who's stressed out it's very annoying for someone to try to be a cheerleader or clown. Maybe that's why she doesn't want to talk to you. Acting silly when someone is upset is not a good idea.

Absolutely.

Same advice for asking “do you want to talk about it.” If she wanted to talk about it - she would. 

That’s why I suggested a hug. It tells her that you are there and that you care, without pestering her to talk if she is not ready. The physical touch is also very calming and reassuring. But that is, if she will allow it. She may not want you at all in these moments.

If this happens often, or if this really bothers you, then you may need to rethink here. You may not be compatible in this way. I’m just trying to help you to consider this from her perspective. Whether that works for you or not, is your decision. Just don’t expect her to change... this is probably who she is and how she deals with stress. There’s nothing wrong with it, necessarily. You just need to decide if you can deal with it, because it sounds like you tend to do/need something very different. 

[glows]

Being there for her and just letting her "be" are enough. You don't have to say much. No cutesie jokes and funny texts. They're probably not appropriate given her mood or how she's acting. Why not ask her if she has time for a quick dinner or see if she's hungry? Order in food. If she doesn't want that just let her know that you are there and to call or text you if she needs anything. 

It's fine to pull back. You need to recoup and take care of yourself too. If she doesn't want dinner with you, treat yourself. Calm your nerves. You're sensitive to her emotions and that's very kind of you, attentive and not out of the ordinary in relationships. Don't forget to take care of yourself. I think you may be worn thin.

[ExpatInItaly]

17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately, for someone who's stressed out it's very annoying for someone to try to be a cheerleader or clown. Maybe that's why she doesn't want to talk to you. Acting silly when someone is upset is not a good idea.

Agreed. 

It is frustrating when someone isn't willing to give space, and continues to seek attention through these sorts of things. That's where you're going wrong OP: giving support is not the same as looking for a response to soothe your anxiety that she is pulling away. 

[MisteriousStranger]

But I don't get how sending a very thoughtful and cute text in the morning is wrong, I really don't, so I shouldn't do anything to brighten up her mood or give her a small smile when she wakes up? I don't get this to be honest

[glows]

2 minutes ago, MisteriousStranger said:

But I don't get how sending a very thoughtful and cute text in the morning is wrong, I really don't, so I shouldn't do anything to brighten up her mood or give her a small smile when she wakes up? I don't get this to be honest

I don't see what's the problem with that. But. After you send the text, do you mind me asking - what are you expecting? If she leaves you on 'read' for most of the day, is that okay with you? 

I ask to get an idea of your reaction to her because it's 50/50, give and take, and to get a sense of your expectations.

[ExpatInItaly]

11 minutes ago, glows said:

I don't see what's the problem with that. But. After you send the text, do you mind me asking - what are you expecting? If she leaves you on 'read' for most of the day, is that okay with you? 

This. 

It's not the gesture in an of itself, OP. It's the question of whether you're attaching an expectation to it. 

[Gaeta]

10 minutes ago, MisteriousStranger said:

But I don't get how sending a very thoughtful and cute text in the morning is wrong, I really don't, so I shouldn't do anything to brighten up her mood or give her a small smile when she wakes up? I don't get this to be honest

About you ask her what she needs from you when she's dealing with her thoughts? Ask her if she'd prefer to be completely left alone or she still wants you to reach out. I had a partner that would withdraw like this and I simply asked him what he needed from me. He explained what he needed from me in those dark moments and I did exactly that. You know sometimes the best thing we can do for our partner is to *do nothing*. 

[Lotsgoingon]

So first thing is to just chill. You cannot save her.

Look I'm  a talker and talking doesn't "solve" stress. Talking of a certain sorta can help us feel less alone, but in order to talk and share, you have to actually give yourself permission to process feelings. Your gf has to learn to do this.

Now, forget about "words" for now.

When we are stressed, our bodies are fired up, adrenaline activated and so on. 

Offer to give her a hug. Offer to give her a massage. Don't try to make her come alive. Rather you want to just show that you can offer some soothing. What you're doing is laying down a path--she still has to walk it and accept your affection.

BTW: this is not romantic touch I'm talking about. This is comforting touch. 

That's pretty much all you can do ... emphasize the positive: you miss how wonderful it is to spend time with her. Stay away from the criticism. Talk about your own feelings of loneliness and so on. There's a good chance you're stuck with this behavior as long as you're with her, but those are the only constructive steps I can offer.

[FMW]

10 minutes ago, MisteriousStranger said:

I don't get how sending a very thoughtful and cute text in the morning is wrong

It sounds like she's a lot like me, I need time alone to process my own stuff, and someone trying to "help" stresses me out even more.  That includes little check ins. I would likely perceive a "cute text" as pressure to communicate.  It might seem nice on the surface but she will be well aware of everything behind it (your view that she needs to open up and share with you).  I've been there, and it certainly doesn't make me feel more positive and warm toward the person doing it.  

Her way of handling things clearly bothers you.  Just as she has a right to her way of handling her own stress, you have the right to decide you can't or don't want to deal with it.  You don't have to stay with her if it makes you feel shut out and rejected.  It's not likely she will change this aspect of her nature going forward. 

[FMW]

2 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

you have to actually give yourself permission to process feelings. Your gf has to learn to do this.

emphasize the positive: you miss how wonderful it is to spend time with her. Stay away from the criticism. Talk about your own feelings of loneliness and so on. 

If she's like me, she IS processing her feelings, but her way of processing is to withdraw for a bit.  Some people process by talking, some by having some quiet time by themselves without others intruding in their thoughts.

Someone telling me they feel lonely and miss me will certainly NOT make me want to talk to them, I would probably think they were being selfish for making me feel guilty for not taking care of THEIR needs.

[d0nnivain]

40 minutes ago, MisteriousStranger said:

But I don't get how sending a very thoughtful and cute text in the morning is wrong, I really don't, so I shouldn't do anything to brighten up her mood or give her a small smile when she wakes up? I don't get this to be honest

You can send whatever you like. If you are daily texter be a daily texter.  Just don't expect that she's going to become you & adopt your way of seeing the world.  

[SaraSays]

40 minutes ago, MisteriousStranger said:

so I shouldn't do anything to brighten up her mood or give her a small smile when she wakes up

Assuming she's dealing with something that's really hard, neither will be possible, I would think, much like saying "cheer up" never helps, in my opinion. If the things a person is overwhelmed by are trivial and truly momentary, then it's certainly possible to brighten their day.

I was listening to a conversation on the street a few days ago, whereby 1 person was explaining what they were struggling to come to terms with and how hard they were finding it to smile, and the other person told them "you can smile because I am here with you", and I felt the second person wasn't really empathetic at all to the first person. I didn't feel that they had heard what was said to them entirely - they'd defaulted to jazz hands to make things instantaneously better, which was a primitive response, in my opinion.

I like when people ask if they can bring me a drink or food or do the shopping and leave it on the doorstep, or something else very specific to lighten the load on my plate. I truly dislike the question "can I do anything?", as it feels insincere to me, since there are loads of obvious things people could offer to do autonomously, without me needing to spend time and energy listing them.

[Lotsgoingon]

We cannot "make" another person happy, we cannot relieve another person of stress.  What we can do is be kind in a way that helps them feel safe to work on their own stuff. We can provide a listening ear. But we cannot alter another person's mood.

Yes you can send her a cute text in the morning, but you send the message because you want to send it, because you want to send her some loving energy. You do NOT send the cute text with the expectation that she's going to say, "Oh wow, you're right. I'll drop this long-time coping pattern. I'll now share what I'm feeling with you. I'll make the change tonight, starting at 6 p.m. when I come home from work."

This is her coping pattern. Coping patterns go back years and are a deep part of us. Ideally she'd tell you what you could best do to help her during these times.

And really the best you can do is to practice being sane yourself when she's in her distant state. Sometimes just sitting quietly with someone does the trick. I'm a talker, but talking out stress is a bit overrated. What the talk does is help the person feel less alone, less ashamed, less powerless in their life. So it's not the talk so much as the connection that relieves the stress. What is bothering her isn't just the stress, but the way her own vulnerabilities and trigger points and insecurities are triggered by the stress. Which is why hugs and a shoulder rub can relax a person and help them get on top of their stress reaction. 

Do NOT in silence allow her be angry at you for the stress. Call her on that.

Basically you have to play around and experiment. Keep emphasizing how much you enjoy being with her when she's feeling good. Tell her you want her to feel she can be herself--that she doesn't need to hide things. Just try to be a warm presence with her--let go the fantasy of fixing her situation. Ideally she'll take a step to trust you and let you in on what's going on.

Also notice the way her reaction triggers you. I mean does she stay distant the entire time with you? Or does she open up after a while? Notice those patterns. 

[MisteriousStranger]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This. 

It's not the gesture in an of itself, OP. It's the question of whether you're attaching an expectation to it. 

 

Expectation for me not, but making her feel a bit better perhaps, that would be my goal yes.

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, MisteriousStranger said:

Expectation for me not, but making her feel a bit better perhaps, that would be my goal yes.

You have to be honest with yourself.

You said she makes you feel like she doesn't trust you enough, makes you question if her feelings for you are getting colder. Deep down you reach to her because you need the validation that the relationship is ok, you do expect something for you when you text her. Of course you care and want to make her feel better but it's also for you. 

[glows]

7 minutes ago, MisteriousStranger said:

 

Expectation for me not, but making her feel a bit better perhaps, that would be my goal yes.

I think that's where the line of thought is flawed. A person is responsible for managing their own emotions and behaviours. You can provide a sounding board and be there for her but don't overdo it. 

I would check that part about making her feel better as your goal. This is not realistic. You don't seem to have proper boundaries when to stop getting too involved. If you disagree with the way she's handling her life you have to be honest with yourself and call a spade a spade. Both of you may be vastly incompatible.

[Gaeta]

OP, you said those phases last 1-2 days max. Surely you can sit back for 2 days. If it lasted 2-3 weeks I'd see it as a problem but 1-2 days just give her her space and get busy with something else. 

Edited April 11, 2021 by Gaeta

[MisteriousStranger]

Just now, Gaeta said:

You have to be honest with yourself.

You said she makes you feel like she doesn't trust you enough, makes you question if her feelings for you are getting colder. Deep down you reach to her because you need the validation that the relationship is ok, you do expect something for you when you text her. Of course you care and want to make her feel better but it's also for you. 

 

Yes thats true, so whats your advice based on that then?

[MisteriousStranger]

Just now, Gaeta said:

OP, you said those phases last 1-2 days max. Surely you can sit back for 2 days. If it lasted 2-3 weeks I'd see it as  problem but 1-2 days just give her her space and get busy with something else. 

Yes the 1st and 2nd time, this time its been like 5 days

[Gaeta]

18 minutes ago, MisteriousStranger said:

Yes thats true, so whats your advice based on that then?

How long have you been dating?

First: Your part is to trust your relationship is not fading because she needs quiet time to process her stress. Her stress is not about you. 

Second: You should ask her what she needs from you while she's going through these phases. 

Third: Your position on this is you want to 'help' but if people don't ask for your help don't impose it on them.

My ex-bf and my daughter both told me when they confine in me I right away jump into solving their problems and it's not what they wanted from me. They both wanted the same thing, they wanted me to say : you're absolutely right to be stressed. The last thing they wanted to hear was it was going to get better. 

Edited April 11, 2021 by Gaeta

[BaileyB]

33 minutes ago, MisteriousStranger said:

Expectation for me not, but making her feel a bit better perhaps, that would be my goal yes.

Are you well intended, I believe you are.
But think about a particularly difficult time in your life, or a day during which you are really struggling with something... what did you need? How would you have felt if someone came along, intent on making you feel better? In the right moment, it may or may not help... but, you probably just needed some time to sort things out, to think things through, to change your perspective and your attitude? 

Sure, it helps sometimes to talk it through with someone - but, it has to be the right time and place. And, it is on the schedule of the person with the problem, not the person who wants to help.

Now, it’s been five days... that’s a good length of time. I will share, I had a particularly hard thing happen at work about two or three weeks ago - it took me a good week to be able to talk about it without crying... I’m just now getting to the place of acceptance. So, depending on what she is dealing with it may take her more time than YOU may think she should take to deal with her issues.

The one caveat being, if this happens every other week, if this is a chronic way of being for this woman... then you have a problem. Otherwise, people go through ups and owns on a fairly regular basis... just let her deal. 

Edited April 11, 2021 by BaileyB

[MisteriousStranger]

Just now, BaileyB said:

Are you well intended, I believe you are.
But think about a particularly difficult time in your life, or a day during which you are really struggling with something... what did you need? How would you have felt if someone came along, intent on making you feel better? In the right moment, it may or may not help... but, you probably just needed some time to sort things out, to think things through, to change your perspective and your attitude? 
Sure, it helps sometimes to talk it through with someone - but, it has to be the right time and place. And, it is on the schedule of the person with the problem,  to the person who wants to help.

Now, it’s been five days... that’s a good length of time. I will share, I had a particularly hard thing happen at work about two or three weeks ago - it took me a good week to be able to talk about it without crying... I’m just now getting to the place of acceptance. So, depending on what she is dealing with it may take her more time than YOU may think she should take to deal with her issues.

The one caveat being, if this happens every other week, if this is a chronic way of being for this woman... then you have a problem. Otherwise, people go through ups and owns on a fairly regular basis... just let her deal. 

Yeah your right, alltho if this keeps up for an x amount of time surely I have to say something right, like what if it goes on for another week or so? I should probably ask her what she needs from me like the other poster suggested, if she just needs time for herself and to leave her alone or what.

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, MisteriousStranger said:

Yeah your right, alltho if this keeps up for an x amount of time surely I have to say something right, like what if it goes on for another week or so? I should probably ask her what she needs from me like the other poster suggested, if she just needs time for herself and to leave her alone or what.

First is to ask her what she needs from you. You might be surprised of her answer. She may be enjoying the daily texts even though she doesn't reply with enthusiasm or they might push her away that's why now it's been 5 days. Once you know where she wants you during these phases they may actually get shorter. 

[Lotsgoingon]

OP, just imagine a little bit. 

We feel like dirt because the situation is entangled and confusing. My boss berates me. But boss berating me doesn't lead me to go silent. I can come home and curse the boss.

Now compare with this: The boss berates me in front of my coworkers--I feel like a failure AND I feel publicly humiliated and rejected. That rejection feeling is harder to discuss and talk about. Now add this. I secretly fear the boss is right. I DID mess up and I'm not confident I can do the job well. I feel picked on and GUILTY and ashamed.  And I have no idea how to process all of this. 

Now imagine some smiley partner says, "I want you to feel better" or acts as if they can immediately make us feel better. They're essentially offering cotton candy to soothe the aching, gushing wound in my heart.  

Be more imaginative and darker about what is swirling inside of her and then you will know that offering cotton candy ain't the solution. You can offer it, but don't expect it's going to resolve her difficulties. 

Offer her some simple comfort, hug, shoulder rub, an ear. 

[BaileyB]

31 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

First is to ask her what she needs from you. You might be surprised of her answer. She may be enjoying the daily texts even though she doesn't reply with enthusiasm or they might push her away that's why now it's been 5 days.

I had a friend who once went through a difficult time in her life. She was having suicidal thoughts and while there was nothing I could “do” to help her, I sent regular texts messages just to tell her that I loved her, that I was thinking about her, and to ask how she was doing. She would often not reply (which was terribly worrying for me), or she would reply and change the subject quickly to me. Occasionally, she would share some information. It was very frustrating for me, and I considered giving up... but, she told me much later - “Those texts saved me. When I was at my lowest point, just knowing that there was someone in the world who loved me - someone to whom I didn’t even have to reply - probably saved my life.” 

My point is not that you start texting her more. It’s simply to say, that even when the communication is not meeting your needs... it’s not to say that it’s not meeting hers. 

As Gaeta said,

35 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

She may be enjoying the daily texts even though she doesn't reply with enthusiasm 

She may be satisfied to know that you are thinking of her, and respecting her need for space. Maybe that’s all she needs right now. 

Or, as Gaeta also said, she may find the texts annoying. The only way you know is to ask her. I would simply say, “I understand that you are going through some difficult stuff right now. I’ve been trying to give you space, because I think that’s what you need. What can I do to help you right now?”

That said, if this is a regular thing and/or if she doesn’t come around to rein gage in a reasonable time period... you have a decision to make. It’s pretty difficult to have a relationship with someone for whom this is a regular pattern of behavior...