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Best options with a partner who doesn't want to talk about their stress and issues

MisteriousStranger

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MisteriousStranger Member

MisteriousStranger

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So my girlfriend is the type of person who doesn't want to talk about issues and things shes going through, she told me that from the start, that she just is that type of person and is in her head alot when things like this happen and thinks about all of it for a while, and doesn't tell her dad or mom or sister or nothing, and even acts like she is good around them when she really is not and is hurting, she just keeps it inside and to herself and pretends she is good infront of others.

In the past there were 2 things she was going through where she was down and stressed, and in both cases it was exactly as she said, pretended she was fine infront of them but was a mess, but luckily it lasted only a couple of days, in those cases she did tell me a bit about it, alltho not like everything but at least vaguely, what she was going through.

Now shes been going through some new things, and not only 1 but a couple of things, and shes extremely stressed and worried and down, not really herself, she was also distant and didn't really want to talk to me that much or see me, ive been trying to be supportive and positive, telling her positive things and supportive, telling her im here for her if she wants to talk about it, but nothing, she was just down and super stressed and worried, after a few days ive asked her if she wouldn't want to share her troubles so its a bit easier and she plain out said no, she doesn't want to talk about it with anyone.

She also is apologetic and keeps telling me that she is sorry for being this way at the moment, that its the reason why she is avoiding to talk to me that much, because shes a mess and negative and her attitude is bad now and doesn't want to burden me with it and act so negative and sh*tty around me, but that she also is not capable of pretending she is fine just to make me happy.

Obviously its hard, not easy when your partner is like this, distant, sad, stressed, its a hard situation

Ask me any questions that you would like to know about this situation and I will tell you anything if its possible, so its easier for you guys to understand the situation

Here are some things im going through in my head about:

 

1.I know that when your stressed and down and have so many thoughts, the thing that really helps is just to talk to someone and just to tell them about it, not hold it in, but yet she doesn't want to and I can't really force her to do it, so idk

2.Why doesn't she want to talk about it at least with me if not with other people?

3.What can I do in this situation apart from trying to be positive, doing small cute things to make her day (like sweet letters or messages or whatever) and being there for her?

4.Perhaps just guessing but why do you think she is this type of person that just crawls inside her when she has problems and doesn't tell anyone? And a person who is so apolagetic about being so sh*t in this situation and trying to look not to put others in a negative spot also?

 

 

 

Edited by MisteriousStranger
Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

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If someone would rather process, reflect and deal with things their own way, stop prying and prodding and being intrusive.

Leave people alone. Don't try to humor or fix people for your own sake.

If she needs time to herself find other things to do and hang out with friends and family more.

If these "problems' only last for a few hours or a day or two, so what? 

Try not to micromanage anyone this much.

Relax. You're not her therapist and you don't have to fix her.

Edited by Wiseman2
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MisteriousStranger Member

MisteriousStranger

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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

If someone would rather process, reflect and deal with things their own way, stop prying and prodding and being intrusive.

Leave people alone. Don't try to humor or fix people for your own sake.

If she needs time to herself find other things to do and hang out with friends and family more.

If these "problems' only last for a few hours or a day or two, so what? 

Try not to micromanage anyone this much.

Relax. You're not her therapist and you don't have to fix her.

Thats true but isn't it worse to keep everything inside and not tell anyone and just deal with everything inside as opposed to letting it out?

basil67 Established Member

basil67

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People cope how it works best for them.  Some share, some don't. 

However, this: "because shes a mess and negative and her attitude is bad now and doesn't want to burden me with it and act so negative and sh*tty around me, but that she also is not capable of pretending she is fine just to make me happy" is where you get to draw a line in the sand.   I would tell her "I understand that you don't want to talk about your issues and that's OK.   But your behaviour towards me when you're troubled is not only hurtful, it's mean and disrespectful.  If you want to keep your problems to yourself, that's fine, but don't think for a moment that the way you're treating me is acceptable. 

Put a rocket up her. 

 

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MisteriousStranger Member

MisteriousStranger

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Just now, basil67 said:

People cope how it works best for them.  Some share, some don't. 

However, this: "because shes a mess and negative and her attitude is bad now and doesn't want to burden me with it and act so negative and sh*tty around me, but that she also is not capable of pretending she is fine just to make me happy" is where you get to draw a line in the sand.   I would tell her "I understand that you don't want to talk about your issues and that's OK.   But your behaviour towards me when you're troubled is not only hurtful, it's mean and disrespectful.  If you want to keep your problems to yourself, that's fine, but don't think for a moment that the way you're treating me is acceptable. 

Put a rocket up her. 

 

 

I dont even think its so bad tho, shes really down and negative about everything and no energy, but its not so horrible to me, but she seems to think it is, and thats why she rather tries to interact less

basil67 Established Member

basil67

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Oh, that's not how she is....but how she thinks it would be if she shares.  I get it now.   So when she's got a problem which she won't share, is she still nice to be with?   And how often does this happen?

 

Edited by basil67
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MisteriousStranger Member

MisteriousStranger

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Just now, basil67 said:

Oh, that's not how she is....but how she thinks it would be if she shares.  I get it now.   So when she's got a problem which she won't share, is she still nice to be with?   And how often does this happen?

 

 

Yea its the 3rd time now, but yeah she is not mean but she is not like usual, usually she is very caring, lovable, cute, tells me cheesy stuff etc... and in this situation she is just like she does it but like 10% like before, very limited and more distant you know, she might also be a bit more easy to irritate not really get mad but just be in a bad mood about something easier.

Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

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45 minutes ago, MisteriousStranger said:

Thats true but isn't it worse to keep everything inside and not tell anyone and just deal with everything inside as opposed to letting it out?

No. It's not true. Maybe for you or some people. But not everyone.

Perhaps she would rather not confide in you. That's fine also.

Talking, especially when not ready or to people who you don't want to talk to is absolutely healthier.

Most of all you're invading her privacy because you're trying to micromanage her to be there for you.

Stop expecting perfection. She gets in a bad mood here and there, so? Give her the space she needs and stop being confrontational and in her face.

Edited by Wiseman2
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basil67 Established Member

basil67

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And are you OK with her being like this?

chillii Established Member

chillii

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Some people are just like that , l know a few but your not so it doesn't agree with you. Trouble is it sounds like she is one of those and there's probably not much you can do about it. Dragging it out of her every time will probably make her retreat even more bc she just doesn't like it.

You'll probably have to live with it or lump it bc if you need someone that's gonna be all open and talky about every tiny little or big thing , she'll most likely just never be like that.

Edited by chillii
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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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52 minutes ago, MisteriousStranger said:

Thats true but isn't it worse to keep everything inside and not tell anyone and just deal with everything inside as opposed to letting it out?

Worse for who? You?

As others have mentioned, people process stress and difficult times in the way that works for them. She's not one to vent and share, but reflect on her own and work it out for herself. Plenty of folks are like this. It's not a question of which way is better or worse for people around them, but rather what is better for the affected parties themselves. If she were mistreating when this happened, then yes, I could see where your concerns would be coming from. 

But based on your description, this doesn't happen often and she's simply more withdrawn than usual. It doensn't appear she's doing much more than wanting some alone time. I don't feel it's your place to prod her and try to convince her to manage her stress in the way you want. If your anxiety and insecurity is triggered when she isolates herself, all you can do is express how it makes you feel and then re-evaluate whether this incompatibility is important enough to you to re-consider the relationship. 

Can you clarify what exactly happens when she's stressed, though? Does she not answer your calls? Fall of the radar for days? 

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Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

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10 minutes ago, chillii said:

 if you need someone that's gonna be all open and talky about every tiny little or big thing , shell most likely just never be like that.

Agree. You may need to find someone who needs to text, video chat, cry all night every night because she broke a fingernail.

Then you will finally appreciate the maturity of someone who deals with their own stuff rather than needs a lot of drama.

Edited by Wiseman2
basil67 Established Member

basil67

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To be fair, if your partner's got stuff going on, isn't being particularly pleasant to be around but won't share the reason, it can be pretty unpleasant to be around them.   I dated someone like this once and eventually asked them to leave.    

If you're not going to share, at least pretend to be cool.

Fletch Lives Established Member

Fletch Lives

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Pop-psychology would have you believe that it's always best to talk things out, and that you should never bottle things up inside. This is incorrect.

 

A lot of men are like your lady -  they like to work things out on their own (and apparently some women), rather than share..........it's okay.

 

This is really good because it means less work and drama for you. All you have to do is not try to fix her. Instead, give her her space but be ready if she needs you.

 

Perhaps it is a blessing in disguise .... maybe you should be thankful you have a woman who is not a crying, nagging drama queen.

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NYAG Established Member

NYAG

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3 hours ago, MisteriousStranger said:

So my girlfriend is the type of person who doesn't want to talk about issues and things shes going through, she told me that from the start, that she just is that type of person and is in her head alot when things like this happen and thinks about all of it for a while, and doesn't tell her dad or mom or sister or nothing, and even acts like she is good around them when she really is not and is hurting, she just keeps it inside and to herself and pretends she is good infront of others.

In the past there were 2 things she was going through where she was down and stressed, and in both cases it was exactly as she said, pretended she was fine infront of them but was a mess, but luckily it lasted only a couple of days, in those cases she did tell me a bit about it, alltho not like everything but at least vaguely, what she was going through.

Now shes been going through some new things, and not only 1 but a couple of things, and shes extremely stressed and worried and down, not really herself, she was also distant and didn't really want to talk to me that much or see me, ive been trying to be supportive and positive, telling her positive things and supportive, telling her im here for her if she wants to talk about it, but nothing, she was just down and super stressed and worried, after a few days ive asked her if she wouldn't want to share her troubles so its a bit easier and she plain out said no, she doesn't want to talk about it with anyone.

She also is apologetic and keeps telling me that she is sorry for being this way at the moment, that its the reason why she is avoiding to talk to me that much, because shes a mess and negative and her attitude is bad now and doesn't want to burden me with it and act so negative and sh*tty around me, but that she also is not capable of pretending she is fine just to make me happy.

Obviously its hard, not easy when your partner is like this, distant, sad, stressed, its a hard situation

Ask me any questions that you would like to know about this situation and I will tell you anything if its possible, so its easier for you guys to understand the situation

Here are some things im going through in my head about:

 

1.I know that when your stressed and down and have so many thoughts, the thing that really helps is just to talk to someone and just to tell them about it, not hold it in, but yet she doesn't want to and I can't really force her to do it, so idk

2.Why doesn't she want to talk about it at least with me if not with other people?

3.What can I do in this situation apart from trying to be positive, doing small cute things to make her day (like sweet letters or messages or whatever) and being there for her?

4.Perhaps just guessing but why do you think she is this type of person that just crawls inside her when she has problems and doesn't tell anyone? And a person who is so apolagetic about being so sh*t in this situation and trying to look not to put others in a negative spot also?

 

Some people really struggle with communication either because projecting it into physical words is hard or because of general trust issues which make it more difficult to say what you feel. As someone who spent most of their life being belittled and bullied I learned quickly not to express myself or talk about how I really felt. It's a learned habit that is very difficult to break even when you do find someone you are comfortable with. I still can't in most cases, but I am learning and I am practising as hard as I can. It takes lots of practice and lots of time If you get frustrated with her or push her it will make it worse. I am better at expressing myself anonymously over forums and blogs like this. Maybe that is a channel that would work for her. It also depends on how she is dealing with the issues. Not everyone needs to talk about their problems to solve them. Just remind her you are there and don't think too deeply about it. It's probably not you, it's just her personality type.

 

 

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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She's someone who keeps her own counsel.  More people should try that.  

If you don't like this about your GF, if it bothers YOU, she may not be the one for you.  Why does she have to change the way she processes stuff to make you happy?  

In her world, it ain't broke so you need to stop trying to fix it.  There is no need. 

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MisteriousStranger Member

MisteriousStranger

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Ok to reply to a few posts

@basil67Im just worried for her and would like to support her and help her with her problems, thats the thing, I feel like I could offer advice or help her, but I respect that she doesn't want to talk about it.

@ExpatInItalyYeah so when she is stressed she just withdraws, doesn't talk as much, doesn't text as much, doesn't wanna call as much or do stuff as often, and says she doesn't want to drag me down with her and also affect me negatively because she has a negative attitude in this situation and she keeps apologizing for it but thats just how she feels

@Wiseman2I mean I get it, its just about wanting to help her, for me its better if I tell ppl and get advice, but your right, maybe its not for her

@Fletch LivesGood point, it just sometimes it makes me feel like I can't rly do much for her and help her, and she just does it by herself, and is hurting and feels bad and yet I can't help her because she is dealing with it alone

 

So yeah, if this way of dealing is the best for her its fine it doesn't bother me personally, just talking from my experience its good if you tell ppl and they also share their views and advice to help you through it, but if this way of dealing really is the best for her then im fine with it. I guess im just a type of person who when he sees someone hurting wants to help, specially someone close like a close family member or girlfriend.

At the moment im just trying to be fun and positive, tell her cute things or do little cute gestures for her to make her smile or make her laugh with something, and also letting her know im here for her if she needs me, anything else I could do?

 

 

 

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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4 minutes ago, MisteriousStranger said:

 

@ExpatInItalyYeah so when she is stressed she just withdraws, doesn't talk as much, doesn't text as much, doesn't wanna call as much or do stuff as often, and says she doesn't want to drag me down with her and also affect me negatively because she has a negative attitude in this situation and she keeps apologizing for it but thats just how she feels

But does she actually ignore you? 

I think you need to be careful not to internalize and personalize her way of dealing with stress. It seems that is where the real issue is. You feel insecure when she pulls away - is that correct?

Edited by ExpatInItaly
BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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This is me, to a certain extent. I definitely tend to hold things in and I find it difficult to talk about things that are difficult. 

I say, respect it - when you can. Obviously, if it affects you and/or she is in a terrible mood all the time, that’s a different thing. But, if this is how she deals with things, just respect that. 

It’s not about you. It’s just how she processes her emotions. 

I will say, the that I want in this moment is a hug. And, if she does come to talk with you - be prepared to listen. If she has a difficult time sharing difficult feelings, make yourself available when she wants to talk...

Edited by BaileyB
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MisteriousStranger Member

MisteriousStranger

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12 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

But does she actually ignore you? 

I think you need to be careful not to internalize and personalize her way of dealing with stress. It seems that is where the real issue is. You feel insecure when she pulls away - is that correct?

She doesn't ignore me, no.

Yes it makes me feel like, I don't know, why doesn't she want to tell me, doesn't she trust me enough, whats up, whats going on in her head, are her feelings for me also getting colder.. just alot of things in my head

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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It's not about you.  She just doesn't open up.  You said it yourself she also doesn't talk to her parents or anybody else.  Talking is just not her way.  Respect that.  

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MisteriousStranger Member

MisteriousStranger

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Just now, d0nnivain said:

It's not about you.  She just doesn't open up.  You said it yourself she also doesn't talk to her parents or anybody else.  Talking is just not her way.  Respect that.  

So what should I do to best support her?

Currently I have not been trying to contact her as much as before, giving her a bit more space, while also talking to her a times, saying positive things or cute nice things to make her feel special or that im here for her and also positive thoughts about things etc... not sure what else I can do

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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6 minutes ago, MisteriousStranger said:

She doesn't ignore me, no.

Yes it makes me feel like, I don't know, why doesn't she want to tell me, doesn't she trust me enough, whats up, whats going on in her head, are her feelings for me also getting colder.. just alot of things in my head

Exactly. In your head. 

Your thoughts are not her thoughts. You're making it about you when I highly doubt it's about you at all. People need their space to process things sometimes, OP. Don't turn it into a barometer of her love for you. 

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d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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6 minutes ago, MisteriousStranger said:

So what should I do to best support her?

Currently I have not been trying to contact her as much as before, giving her a bit more space, while also talking to her a times, saying positive things or cute nice things to make her feel special or that im here for her and also positive thoughts about things etc... not sure what else I can do

Just say I'm here if you want to talk then carry on as normal.  Stop making a big deal out of it.  

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Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

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34 minutes ago, MisteriousStranger said:

At the moment im just trying to be fun and positive, tell her cute things or do little cute gestures for her to make her smile or make her laugh with something, and also letting her know im here for her if she needs me, anything else I could do?

Unfortunately, for someone who's stressed out it's very annoying for someone to try to be a cheerleader or clown. Maybe that's why she doesn't want to talk to you. Acting silly when someone is upset is not a good idea.

Just listen if she wants to talk or leave her be. You are too intrusive and trying to micromanage her emotions for your own benefit. You seem to be looking for attention and interaction when she may not want that. 

Try to relax and learn to chill a bit.

Edited by Wiseman2
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