Trying to fix the unfixable in a relationship that otherwise was pretty good aside from 'stepson' issues, all things considered.

[Dis]

As someone who just ended my relationship with a single parent with a dysfunction child...I can relate to a lot of this

 

I think the most important take away when dating a single parent is...there is no having the single parent without the kid. If you can't accept her son (which I wouldn't blame you for), if you can't love him like he's your own, if you can't be content in his presence...it's not going to work. Children permeate relationships. They're like a gas that seeps into every pore, every fiber at all times. Even if he's not in the house, he's still there. Which means if you don't enjoy him, that un-enjoyement you feel will saturate you and your relationship and will drive a wedge between you and your gf....as you know. There is no changing that or minimizing that impact. 

 

I also don't think he'll be out of the house any time soon either. I think considering his issues, you're going to have a late bloomer so don't bank on getting a reprieve from him any time soon. 

 

The parenting issue, my ex was a lot like your gf. Enabled bad behavior, no discipline, no structure, unhealthy eating habits etc etc. As someone who was raised in a strict household and was never really a fan of bratty kids it didn't sit well with me and it was pretty un-endearing in terms of my feelings for my ex's son...but single parents have that guilt complex, they over compensate and spoil the kids and the stepparent has to sit back and be displaced in their own home because of it. We're just supposed to sit by and put a smile on our faces and enjoy our time with the 'little angel'. 

 

Getting back to my first paragraph, you know this isn't going to change, the only thing that will evolve in this is your level resentment and anger. ....I assume it will sky rocket to the point where your relationship will be even less sustainable. Is there really enough good in this for you to be content with her and by her I mean, a gf and mom? Can't separate the two. 

 

Oh and I'm so so sorry you lost your condo!!! I gave up my little house in the country to move into this mess so I totally get what a loss it is. Thankfully I'm moving back to my old place in....21 dayssss!  I hope you can find a home you really love again. Everyone needs that. 

[Wiseman2]

Once things become on/off, move in/move out, your life is toast.

She's fine, she has her family her house etc everything intact.

If you acquiesce to this, it will be sheer drama. 

The worst part is you're in a holding pattern as far as moving forward and dating again.

Rethink if you want to live in a crummy apt, alone, lonely buzzing around wishing and hoping that blood isn't thicker than water and that you'll somehow sever her from her teenager.

It's fresh and it sucks but you've had years to reflect on all this.

 

[trident_2020]

9 hours ago, Dis said:

Oh and I'm so so sorry you lost your condo!!! I gave up my little house in the country to move into this mess so I totally get what a loss it is. Thankfully I'm moving back to my old place in....21 dayssss!  I hope you can find a home you really love again. Everyone needs that. 

Thanks for your post. It's helpful to hear from someone going through the same situation. As far as housing, I'm doing the same. Trying to find a condo in that same development that I lived in 6 years ago. Real estate prices have skyrocketed and there's only a couple of units available. According to the realtor I spoke to on Monday, the one that could work for me already has 2 offers on and it's only been listed for 4 days. Also I'd rather have one with a garage like my first one, so I can set up my workshop again. At least I'm ok where I am for now even if it's a bit tight and I gotta duck my head when I go into the bedroom so I don't smack my forehead against the ceiling vent lever.

 

 

[Allupinnit]

I feel so sorry for this kid and the shoddy parenting he's had, starting around the time his parents divorced and his mom wanted to party instead of parent.  Those traumas begin EARLY and go very deep into a child's psyche.  

Then you come along, the boyfriend who didn't really WANT to move in but did anyway but never made an honest commitment to this boy and his mother.  Everyone just kind of going along, doing what they want, with no thought to how "family" might have looked or been important to this kid who's had nothing but upheaval in his life.  I do not understand why people make decisions to manufacture these transient family situations thinking the kids are fine, adults just come and go as long as they're "feeling" it - no wonder this kid is angry and mom is feeling guilty.

All of that being said, you seem to be incredibly judgmental of this mom considering you weren't even around for your own kids, so who knows how YOU might have handled things given a chance.

I  am also a stepparent and I totally understand your POV and it is NOT easy (my SD annoys the EFF out of me at times and I need a break).  But I made a commitment to my SD and her father and I want to be a positive part of her story, not just another adult who lets her down and creates yet another uncertainty in her life.  You have more of an influence and impact than you can ever know, what sort is up to you.  But I get the sense that you're the type to turn away when things get tough, so be it.  

If you feel the need to move on I would encourage you to stop this one foot in, one foot out approach you've had to her all along and go live your life.  

 

 

[Caauug]

On 4/14/2021 at 2:07 AM, trident_2020 said:

I researched, I get it.

She doesn't need me anymore.

All those wonderful early emails- after basically helping her restructure her life I'm yesterday's news.

Or at least, so low on the totem pole that my needs are more of an after thought compared to hers and of course her progeny.

Thank You. Try to remember next time that is the way it works. No one ever said it was fair.

On 4/14/2021 at 2:58 AM, trident_2020 said:

I considered just moving and getting back on the dating sites and seeing what I can find without giving her the courtesy of a heads up,  given how I feel I've been treated.

I don't think I can do it, to me it's like cheating and that's just not me.

I think we need to have "the talk" first.

If you can't or don't want to keep her around as FWB, have that talk.... She may not want to be FWB but keep you around in her orbit for validation or a handy man, this does not benefit you, don't do it. Everything has a price, you have given her more than you have received.  

Try to reflect on your self worth and what you did give her. Try to calculate what the whole relationship cost you in $. (add in rough figure on new condo cost - what you got for the old one). Then subtract what you alone received cost value from the R. Sack fun doesn't count as both benefited from it. Take a few days to make a list as you think back.... Be honest. This task is hard to do, most guys don't want to do it. This helps to show your self worth and can highlight mistakes you have made with money.

She might be high SMV and good in bed but the baggage (her son) she dragged into the R and let kill the R subtracts everything she has going for her in looks, youth, and fun... That ended up being a trap... 

Her son was/is NOT your responsibility. You have no legal rights or obligations to him. He decided he did not respect you or your belongings, there was nothing you could have done. I believe it was his intension to split his mother and you up, he accomplished that. He no longer has you on his "Case" nagging to do chores etc. When you soft punched him you left yourself open legally, I hope that doesn't haunt you in the future. You don't need to be a super hero/White Knight to a single mum, better most time to take a wide detour round a R with them.

Good Luck, look after yourself, you are #1 in your life.

[trident_2020]

1 hour ago, Caauug said:

This task is hard to do, most guys don't want to do it. This helps to show your self worth and can highlight mistakes you have made with money.

That's because it's way too much work lol. I'm not going to do all that! Besides, as I said earlier in this thread, money isn't an issue for me. The 5 or 10 grand I put into her house doesn't mean much to me and she's probably saved me more than that in health insurance premiums and unreimbursed medical since I get great health insurance through her. If I had to get health insurance on my own (and for my 25 year old daughter) the costs would be astronomical. Plus when I did a lot of work refinishing her basement soon after we first got together she was so grateful she paid for an expensive vacation for both of us.

1 hour ago, Caauug said:

 I believe it was his intension to split his mother and you up, he accomplished that. He no longer has you on his "Case" nagging to do chores etc. When you soft punched him you left yourself open legally, I hope that doesn't haunt you in the future.

Disagree. I don't think her son gives a crap about her or me, or anyone else but himself for that matter. Sure, now that I'm gone he's benefiting BIG time which was so obvious to me that past weekend but again I don't think it was some sort of master plan on his part. As far as my retaliating with a soft punch and it possibly coming back to haunt me in the future in a legal way- that's ridiculous. If there was going to be a legal issue it would have happened at the time. Sure anyone can sue anyone for anything but the odds are so remote it's not even worth mentioning it as a possibility might as well figure an asteroid is going to hit the earth first.

 

Edited April 15, 2021 by trident_2020

[trident_2020]

2 hours ago, Caauug said:

If you can't or don't want to keep her around as FWB, have that talk

If we do stay together our relationship will not be the same, may never be the same, or at least not for quite some time. I'm looking at a condo on Friday and knowing me there's a good chance I'll make an offer. If accepted, I'm locked into moving in that new direction. Given how things were left hanging, I contacted her yesterday and said we needed to talk. In response to my text she called me immediately even though she knew I was at work. I said I didn't mean NOW. She said, ok, but if it's a quick talk, as in you made "the decision" then just tell me that. If it's a more involved talk in terms of how to work through things that's another matter. I said I didn't make any decision but was also wondering if perhaps she did. She said no, she was just giving me the space that I clearly needed. She suggested dinner- we're meeting tonight. There were a few subsequent texts one from her which cryptically said "A lot has changed in this past week".

I'd never 'aquiesce' or however you put it, or go back into that situation where I'm treated like a second class citizen. Sure, she'd be perfectly happy with things as they are, she's got her house, her son, everything as before with me conveniently out of the way until she wants or needs me and that isn't going to work for me. There would have to be real changes and compromise over time, otherwise it's ultimately going to end. I'm just not sure I'm there yet. We've got a lot invested in this.

We might agree that living separate apart and maintaining a casual relationship is the best course of action, in which case I'm even more prepared to make an offer on Friday afternoon. Unfortunately that particular condo will require a lot of work and I'm just so sick and tired of gutting and renovating houses..

 

Edited April 15, 2021 by trident_2020

[Allupinnit]

Relationships don't function when you're operating out of a "who owes who what" mentality.  No wonder this is falling apart.  You want a gold medal for everything you "did" for her but come on this was your life, too.  Nobody asked you to remodel the kitchen in a house you don't own.  Now you feel you didn't get out of the deal what you were putting in.

Dude, you punched her kid back (I don't care if it was "soft" or "half-hearted" and the fact you are trying to downplay it shows me you are not ready to do your part in this family to improve things).  She knows the toxic situation and has a duty to protect him.  Your hate and resentment for him seethes out of every post and no doubt he feels it from you, too.  I hope you stay away.  

[trident_2020]

15 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

 But I get the sense that you're the type to turn away when things get tough, so be it. 

Nope. I'd still be living there if it was my choice.

[trident_2020]

36 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

She knows the toxic situation and has a duty to protect him.  Your hate and resentment for him seethes out of every post and no doubt he feels it from you, too.  I hope you stay away.  

Yes, took me a couple of months to really understand this and not be so angry at her for making a difficult decision.

She knows how I feel about him and has said the same as you have. When his attitude has changed for the better - and it does periodically, my feelings toward him dramatically improve and we're actually friendly and even talk about cars which is his favorite subject and he shows me work he's done on his car. But when he acts like a prick and verbally abuses his mom he gets anger and resentment from me.

If he was a few years younger and not leaving to stay with his dad for the summer and then off to college there would be no chance of saving this.

 

[Crazelnut]

Jeebus, why are you dragging this out? Just end it.  Her kid will always be the center of her life, and you can't stand him. Her enabling behavior and defense of him has caused you to lose respect for her. Your personality and issues make you thoroughly ill-suited to this environment.  It's just a toxic mess, and it won't get any better.

Just rip the bandaid off and end it. 

[trident_2020]

5 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

Jeebus, why are you dragging this out? Just end it.  Her kid will always be the center of her life, and you can't stand him. Her enabling behavior and defense of him has caused you to lose respect for her. Your personality and issues make you thoroughly ill-suited to this environment.  It's just a toxic mess, and it won't get any better.

Just rip the bandaid off and end it. 

Have you ever been in a long term relationship approaching a decade with a significant other who was unlike anyone you ever met before, who was there with you through really tough times, who shares a similar perspective on life, great intimacy, communication, activities.. a "best" friend so to speak- but the only issue between you is something that has nothing to do with the two of you directly and there's no easy solution?

Because I haven't. And even if it's headed towards an ultimate demise, I'm not quite there yet.

As per her last text she's willing to do whatever it takes- her own limitations, guilt,  and responsibilities as a parent not withstanding including counseling etc.

Who knows tonite's dinner conversation might not be promising or productive and I'll make an offer on the condo tomorrow afternoon and that will be it.

 

[Marc878]

You alone cannot save this. He is her son and always will be. You are the interloper.

Save yourself and let her go.

[hhy]

As mentioned I’ve been married over 20 years and have known my husband for quite some time before marrying.

 

I believe in long term relationships and I definitely believe in family and commitment.

 

That said, none of this is easy, especially raising kids.  If you don’t have an united front, forget it.

 

Two, I also know how hard it is to sacrifice your own personal needs for the greater good of the other/or the group.  This is however unsustainable, if not impossible.  Basic needs have got to be met, otherwise you get a runaway train, not unlike your “step-son”.

 

My first question is what changed?  His friends, the medication, his relationship with his Dad?  What were the triggers?

 

My son has been on anti-seisure medication and it does affect his overall biochemistry after prolonged use.

 

I think it is good that you and gf have allowed yourself space and time, and my hope is that you can salvage your relationship after almost a decade.

 

Is that what you want, to be with her, grow old and enjoy your golden years?  There is no ambiguity here.  What is the future you foresee, have imagined, worked towards and have truly wanted? If she is not the one, then the whole thing is a mute point.

 

I agree with Curlygirl40, you have to take the whole package:

 

1. You have committed to her (and her son) that is the package deal. I applaud you. It is one big commitment, and admire how hard you have and still try.

2. Kids need guidance; as parents that is our job. We made the decision to have them, it is the most important job one can have.  So I encourage all parents to step up to the plate because if you can’t raise your kids right, you can’t really do anything else right. That responsibility follows you to the grave. Meaning if your kids aren’t taken care of, you will not have the freedom and peace to do anything else right.

3. There are 3 of you and one of him.  You, the mother and father need to have a united front and RAISE this kids right so when the day comes and he moves out, he can & needs to fly on his own.

4. I am not the best mom, but I try my damnedest to make my kids earn what they have and want.

5. We absolutely spoil them with love, bend over backwards and work our asses off. But they know the value of a dollar, they are reminded of their chores and manners always. I can’t stand laziness and they know it. By example, which it seems, both you and your gf exemplify a strong work ethic.

6. I am afraid of being alone, I am afraid of rejection, I am afraid of losing the ones I love, I am afraid to be the bad guy…but if there is one (or a few) things I can’t stand more is entitlement, elitism, laziness, and a lack of manners or respect. My husband says I come on too strong, I over-whelm the kids, I get angry and yell, but my kids behave around others. They appreciate, participate, care about how they come across and know if they want something they have to go out and earn it.

7. Now do I ask them incessantly to do chores, are they on the PS, does my son ask me to drop him off a block away from school, and have the called me a b**** to my face in front of their dad, and have things gotten physical, have I called the cops,YES, YES, YES & YES.

 

That doesn’t mean I stop holding them accountable.

 

Sad, but people don’t know what they have till its gone. I’m faced with that on a daily basis, and TOUGH love is no fun at all….so an united front is crucial, even if at times seem impossible.

 

This truly is where the dysfunction comes from.  Parents/couples who can’t communicate and get on the same page. For us I think too much ego and stake holding is invested.  Again we are in a very me-centric society as opposed to the we-centric. I’m sure there is good and bad to both.

 

I know this is a lifetime of pain, sorrow and hard work. Reconciliation may seem impossible….I have my own issues and again empathize deeply.  The one sad thing is I do believe people give up on each other before it gets better. Though not all relationships should stay together, I am not one to give up.  It’s not in my DNA. I don’t find shame in walking away, but I absolutely believe better days are ahead, if we learn to work through the pain. If the desire and commitment is there, there is no other way no matter who you are with and what baggage they carry.

 

I’ll be the first to admit, why someone won’t take 1/2 to mow the lawn or do dishes but will spend a lifetime of b****ing and moaning, along with hours of therapy is beyond me.  I have this dynamic in my own house, and I have to say, it is because I did not instill those habits and rituals at an earlier age and we did too much for them.In the western culture, kids carry too much power, too much weight.

 

So, you live separately, you stay in touch, you have your boundaries and you stick by your most fundamental needs and principles.  You are holding both Mom, son & hopefully dad responsible.

 

Does this mean you don’t move on and enjoy your life, no.  I hope you will get that chance once you have worked out the kinks by talking things out with your gf with warmth and compassion.

 

Again, being a parent has got to be the hardest job on earth.  But with care, commitment, compassion and unity, I hope you guys will come through.  Take care of the kid(s), the rest will follow.  I really believe that.

 

Best, H

 

11:37pm

[trident_2020]

7 hours ago, hhy said:

6 hours ago, hhy said:

My first question is what changed?  His friends, the medication, his relationship with his Dad?  What were the triggers?

Is that what you want, to be with her, grow old and enjoy your golden years?

So, you live separately, you stay in touch, you have your boundaries and you stick by your most fundamental needs and principles.

Don't know what triggered him into becoming a prick other than adolescence if that's what you mean. I'm sure there were other reasons but I don't have any clue.

Yes I could visualize growing old with her- we've looked at retirement homes, talked about what we'd do and it has always felt right.

We're talking, she stayed over at my place Thursday and I stayed there last night. We're taking it slow. She does not want to break up, but has no answers either. But as a result of some of our intense conversations and my last therapy session, I am starting to see things in her perspective. As suggested by@Yosemite the story presented here is only from my biased perspective.

One example she brought up is how difficult and anxiety inducing it's been having me judging, criticizing and attempting to modify her parenting. As she puts it she's well aware of his attitude, laziness, etc, but there's only so much she can do especially since she gets no help from his dad and he has a car, so he can just run there if she pushes too hard. She's in a leadership position at her job and a few months back she was running a meeting- she had over 100 people on the call and I came home around 9 pm and the garbage wasn't put out by her son as had been promised. She had told me NOT to do it. If I don't do it, and he doesn't do it, it builds up, it smells, my dog gets into it while destroying the lattice enclosure at the same time. So I storm upstairs in anger and frustration and say "He didn't do the garbage again!". I was pissed, inconsiderate, and interrupted her at work. She put everyone on hold, went downstairs, yelled at him to do the garbage.. but you get the dynamic. My short fuse, her anxiety, his laziness and disrespect.

Another example is that she did not want him to have a car until his schoolwork improved. For a few reasons but mainly because she knew it would be a huge distraction which it has become. She was in regular talks with his dad about the car thing, and she said although they don't agree on much, he seemed to be on the same page as far as the car thing went. Despite him not doing any better dad bought him a car without telling her. So she looks like the bad guy, she can't rely on exhusband to keep his word and do the right thing and do what is in the best interests of the son, and he constantly undermines her. So there's that.

I could have handled things a lot better. The anxiety I created in her is a large part of why she's doing so much better now that we're living separate but as she tells me she's  been a basket case with our separation and me breaking up with her not once but twice- and yes she considers this last one a breakup since I went dark for over a week and changed our social media status (again) to "No relationship status to show".

She also said if he fails out in college she's done her job as far as that goes and if that happens he can go live with his father. Not sure if she means it but at least she says it. She used to have meltdowns when he'd leave for his dad's for a weekend or whatever but more recently she was actually relieved.

She is also trying to discourage me from buying that condo, asks that I just give us a few more months. She said if we can figure this out, and with him gone for the summer and As she puts it, "Don't buy it or break up with us as a reaction, do it as a decision".

Edited April 17, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to deleted post

[hhy]

I am really glad to hear you and GF are taking it slow, working at it, and she's stepping up.

If you don't mind my saying divorce (my parent's) was probably the most painful thing I went through in my life at the age of 12.

I am sad to hear the biological dad has not put his kid first.

I will call your significant other GF if you don't mind. GF said when things were good that "you are more of a dad to him than his own". I know that may not seem like much, but I hope those words meant something to you. Boys/young men need a Father figure. 

Believe me I get your frustration, but this young man needs guidance. I don't know how my husband does it because he is so patient with his kids it drives me crazy. But what he is modeling has an impact.  I can't believe I'm admitting to this. He is modeling what he was shown, and I model what I grew up with.

I am one to react because I don't like to wait. I am extremely efficient and effective with what I do, so I tend to expect those ideals from others, namely my family.  Not the case with my oldest, he does things on his time, and the leadership he's shown both good and bad has an impact on the two younger siblings. I still believe we do/did too much for him, also good and bad.

I tend to over determine, over communicate. By this point ad nauseam to my family, so I do need to pull back. I'm also not the best listener, or most forgiving, though I'd like to think I am generous, in this area, I need a lot more work. Like I said, my ego and ambition has often gotten in the way.

I'm really glad the time has come that GF is playing the bad cop. I hope you may find it in your heart to take a little time to speak to SS (step-son) without anger but with earnestness, "is there a reason the garbage isn't taken out?"

You have to care, or he's not ever going to. He needs a dad who is not there. His mom can only do so much. If the time ever comes, where he has no where to turn but to his Dads, hopefully, truly, I hope his Dad will step up. Trident, I hate to say it, but this is your chance to make an impact on this young man's life. 

You have your space, you have lived a full life. You were estranged from your girls, here is a young man who needs just Moments of your time to stop, look and listen to what's happening to him with a simple: "Hello, how was your day?" It can be just that to start.

Forget and Forgive the past, turn a new leaf. It is never too late to care when the situation presents itself. If GF is someone with whom you have and can find happiness Do Not give that up. It is worth fighting for. I tell you this, even though I have doubted my position/place as wife for over 10 years, it took forever for my husband and I to get together, much less get married. Our convictions carried us to this point. We both truly want a family, build a life based on love and integrity. That has not always been the case nor has it been easy, even after decades of marriage. But invariably we always put family and the kids first. It's who and what we are. And the kids have not let us down. It's carried us through the darkest of times.

People don't change. You must accept that and if you love them, you will accept them too. Step away, live your life, take good care of yourself and enjoy your life while you do what good and service you can. I promise you, it will make a difference. Unconditional love is tough. It's why it works. If we can affect change, it is by our generous heart, our ability to forgive and invest in each other without strings attached. Love for the sake of loving. I hope, if nothing else, you can hear just this point. Don't give up. There is a tedtalk I think about a man who broke the code to doing monumental things, like learning a language, knitting a quilt to fill a part of a football stadium, finding the means to travel, by minor modification to ones behavior. Just a little consistent tweaking, like compound interest, grows geometrically. These little actions add up to make tremendous impact. I hope you might see clearly what you envision your life to be, so you may go after it with absolute resolve.

I hope this is not what you don't want to hear. I'm very glad you invest thought and time into writing and responding. It helps me to see things clearer in my own life. I can tell you every ounce I have put into my kids and family has been a labor of love that I will never regret. Not being acknowledged, validated, or having my smallest hope or expectation meant is extremely painful, like death by a thousand cuts.

Remember, pain fades, love remains. This is just how life is. A lot more people have sacrificed more. For me, doing it for family and the ones you love, there is no greater calling.

I just hope my husband and I will come to terms that now is the time to give back to us.

7am.

 

[hhy]

p.s. I hope it goes without saying, unconditional love does not mean being delusional: investing in someone who beats, destroys, exercises basically all anti-social, destructive, dangerous, illegal behavior.

Enjoy a great day! LOL

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, hhy said:

People don't change.

Respectfully, that isn't true. Actually they change slowly over time (and sometimes rapidly due to specific circumstances). In 10 years, many if not most people will have lots of differences, sometimes extremely substantial ones.

If your point is that trying to wait out the situation isn't likely to work because change will take too long to occur, or that she's very unlikely to stop loving her son or lay down the law with him, or that there's a good chance the sone won't get is act together sufficiently within a reasonable time frame, I think any of those ARE fair points.

[Yosemite]

8 hours ago, trident_2020 said:

She is also trying to discourage me from buying that condo, asks that I just give us a few more months. She said if we can figure this out, and with him gone for the summer and As she puts it, "Don't buy it or break up with us as a reaction, do it as a decision".

I say give it one more shot. Take it really slow like you two have been doing. Seems like you're doing a good job of listening to her and looking at it from her perspective. Summer is really close...

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, trident_2020 said:

She is also trying to discourage me from buying that condo, asks that I just give us a few more months. She said if we can figure this out, and with him gone for the summer 

Do what's right for you this time around. At some level you know things aren't going to magically change when he's 18. She's bargaining, but her position is still the same. She's his mother, has been for 18 years and it's not going to change much.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 4/14/2021 at 11:49 AM, trident_2020 said:

Thanks for your post. It's helpful to hear from someone going through the same situation. As far as housing, I'm doing the same. Trying to find a condo in that same development that I lived in 6 years ago. Real estate prices have skyrocketed and there's only a couple of units available. According to the realtor I spoke to on Monday, the one that could work for me already has 2 offers on and it's only been listed for 4 days. Also I'd rather have one with a garage like my first one, so I can set up my workshop again. At least I'm ok where I am for now even if it's a bit tight and I gotta duck my head when I go into the bedroom so I don't smack my forehead against the ceiling vent lever.

 

 

Have you considered knocking on doors? Can you pay cash? (No need to reply on that, just consider it.)  Possibly you could get ahead of Realtors in finding one that's about to list for sale.

Seller's would rather not pay a commission if they already have a sure bet. Walk the neighborhood. Better yet, reviee tax rolls for the community first to see if the home is owner occupied (e.g. homestead exemption if applicable for your state), length of ownership, and previous purchase price.

Find an attorney or real estate broker in advance who will draft a contract ready for submission to a seller. If a broker, make an agreement in advance to pay the broker the fee to do the contract work (rather than seller paying commission). Be sure to talk to the managing broker of the brokerage since they own all transactions regardless of which of their agents is working the deal.

When walking the neighborhood, get intel from neighbors about who has been talking about selling (besides asking if they are selling their own place). For tenant occupied properties, try to get the landlord's phone number from their neighboring units. Some neighbors might be friendly with the landlord from condo association meetings.

Also consider showing up at condo association board meetings and letting it be known you're looking to buy in the community.

If you follow the advice above, I'm pretty sure you'll get into a unit soon enough.

When a Realtor lists the property, just about every property has 2-5 offers in the first three days depending on your area. Get ahead of all that by following the tips above. Good luck!

[trident_2020]

19 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Have you considered knocking on doors? Can you pay cash? 

If you follow the advice above, I'm pretty sure you'll get into a unit soon enough.

I had posted earlier that if I was to buy something it would be a cash purchase which I know is very attractive to sellers and could get me an accepted offer even if I was in a bidding war and wasn’t the highest offer. 
 

At the moment condo shopping is on hold. We had dinner tonite at her house her son is having a crisis with his girlfriend (who is manipulating the crap out of him and we just found out cheated on him) so we’re talking about it and bring supportive. 
 

I actually feel bad for the kid told him I told him try not to let her disrespect you just go dark on her (like I just did with his mom for a week). He’s still rather new at the relationship game and it doesn’t bode well for him. 

My GF also told me she has spoken to him about apologizing to me but she can’t force it, it’s gotta come from him when he’s ready. I don’t expect it to ever happen but the fact that she talked to him about it matters. 

Edited April 18, 2021 by trident_2020

[hhy]

Hello Trident & Mr. Clemson,

Change & unconditional love, two sides of the same coin: our basic personality traits do not change over night, but as human beings change is intrinsically who and what we are. Therefore, if we can affect change it is through unconditional love. It's very hard to change one's personality, the essence of who we are, but you can affect their character, perspectives, feelings and attitude. "You can't change people" equates to a fruitless effort, but by example you can affect great change. "Life As A House", the dad (Kevin Kline) said "You know the great thing, though, is that change can be so constant you don't even feel the difference until there is one. It can be so slow that you don't even notice that your life is better or worse, until it is." In this sense Mr. Clemson, people "Actually... change slowly over time (and sometimes rapidly" is right. But forget about "trying to change them". 

Trident, I said enjoy your life and be the positive role model that I think you have always been. Remember... my girlfriend (Teacher of the Year - LOL, I can still see her blushing) said, if you are feeling miserable because of your kid(s), you are doing something right. I guess this is why lately I have come to see Love as Sacrifice. Most see that as martyrdom, or doom and gloom.  But you can't get something for nothing. I think you know what I mean. It also doesn't mean you don't take care of yourself and your relationship with your significant other, which is the point of it all. Kids should not take over your life, and the process of raising them is a painstaking one, which is why I say, "enjoy your life". Something my husband and I have forgotten to do, take care of ourselves because s/he/they/work will suck the life out of you.

Personally, I reluctantly say I don't know how long sacrifice has to be. I've known my husband for 28 years, and Idk if we will make it to our 21st anniversary. "Be patient and don't give up" makes me feel like an Elf saying Yes and No.

Mr. Clemson, could use a good quote here! Hopefully not one with Elves running away.

(Actually, I've got a Great Poem about Elves I can post, if you all would like. I digress.)

At the end of the day, all anyone wants to know is that they matter, with time and affection. Did I mention, Nicholas Sparks' 4A"s? "Attention,  Appreciation, Affection & Attraction" (I know the last one isn't hard for you two). 

Chinese say, "Yong Xin",  translated verbatim "Use Heart", connoting "concentrate", or emphatically "Put your all into it!". It's what a literal, practical people have come up with to express their plain emotion and intention without a lot of fanfare, to "use your heart, don't give up and give it all you got."

It seems to me, for those fleeting, happiest times of our lives, holding back is the worst thing we can do. In midst of its brevity, seldom do we choose to risk and open up but hold back...why? because of fear?          That's  : ``(

I'd also like to think Trident, we can all enjoy (step)parenthood a bit, in which case, my free no cost advice is one eye open one eye closed. Be the good cop for once and maybe the kid might learn something, like what those tools are really meant for.

Best,

H 

2:30pm

[mark clemson]

17 hours ago, hhy said:

Mr. Clemson, could use a good quote here! Hopefully not one with Elves running away.

Hmm. No fancy quote for you, BUT - I'd say if you've been married for 20+ years, then you have probably gotten through "rough patches" before. IF that's all your current difficulties are, then you will presumably get through it again.

Maybe your quote should be "The grass is greenest where you water it." Of course, the flip side to that is if the grass is truly dead, then watering won't help much. So I guess you'll have to figure out whether that's the case.  GL.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 4/17/2021 at 10:05 PM, trident_2020 said:

I actually feel bad for the kid told him I told him try not to let her disrespect you just go dark on her (like I just did with his mom for a week). He’s still rather new at the relationship game and it doesn’t bode well for him. 

After all you've expressed in your thread, you still have a lot of compassion for this kid. I suppose that makes you a pretty good guy. Wishing you the best in whatever you choose.