Talking to a passive guy and I'm trying not to lose my mind!

[maryead]

Met this guy a little over a month ago through a bunch of friends while hanging out. The conversation between us went well so I asked for his number. For the first 3 weeks I was always the one texting him first until one day I told him to quit being a stranger and keep in touch. Since then he has initiated almost every conversation. In fact, we spoke tonight and he said: “I’ll leave you to your friday since im prob gonna clock out soon, if you find yourself bored doing as little as possible you know theres someone you could reach out to whos doing likely even less.”

Good sign, right? I’m trying to do a kick ass thing by taking initiative and moving things along. Could his lack of initiating to hangout/flirtatiousness be a result of his own inexperience? Does he not know how to impress me? What is going on here?

Edited April 10, 2021 by Idontknowww

[chillii]

 

How old is he? l'm afraid it usually means more like just not quite interested enough l don't care what anyone says l've never thought it's a good idea she doing everything to kick start things. l know there's always stories and the exception , but way more often that not it's usually him lacking real interest sorry. But you've gone this far , so you may as well see how it all pans out over the next few wks now just encase.

[maryead]

4 minutes ago, chillii said:

 

How old is he? l'm afraid it usually means more like just not quite interested enough l don't care what anyone says l've never thought it's a good idea she doing everything to kick start things. l know there's always stories and the exception , but way more often that not it's usually him lacking real interest sorry. But you've gone this far , so you may as well see how it all pans out over the next few wks now just encase.

He’s 25 and I’m 28.

You really think it’s a lack of interest and he’s just being nice? Do men even entertain women just to be nice? I’ve never heard of such a thing. He checks in with me quite often, why would he do this if he has 0 care for me?

 

 

[Alpacalia]

Maybe he isn't looking to date right now. Or he's in a relationship with someone else. Or, he's dating others.  There are many "what ifs."

You could get on with your life as usual, or you could be brave and ask him out on your own.

I did something similar once where I dropped hints and he finally caught on and we went out. But he was also very proactive with calling me daily since day one. So, it’s hard to say.

[Dis]

He's not passive...he's just not interested or doesn't want to date

 

My most recent ex was a passive guy but always made plans with me and made a substantial effort to make me happy 

 

If it's bothering you, don't text him and do your own thing. It can't be attractive that he's made next to no attempt to move things along. I'd be turned off to the point of no return. 

Edited April 10, 2021 by Dis

[Sun Seeker]

If you have to ask a guy for his number you are already on the wrong track.

He's either not interested, or has no experience so has no clue. At 25 that's worrying.

Either way not sure why you would even want to pursue him. Find someone who is interested and makes it clear, or at least knows how to interact with women.

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, Punterxx said:

Find someone who is interested and makes it clear, or at least knows how to interact with women.

For some women that may be easier said than done.
Not all women are being pursued by legions of men.
Hot women, yes, not so hot, not.
I guess the OP is not asking for guy's numbers purely because she wants to or feels like it.

[Wiseman2]

You've only been talking a month . The important thing to notice is he's not asking you out.

Don't chase this hard. He's just not that interested. 

Spend your time and energy wisely on men who are interested rather than this .

[babybrowns]

Sorry to say but it seems he might be contacting you out of boredom/ an ego kick to get attention from a pretty girl. Especially since he doesn’t seem to have much else going on. Do not indulge in that.

Edited April 10, 2021 by babybrowns

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Idontknowww said:

Met this guy a little over a month ago through a bunch of friends while hanging out. The conversation between us went well so I asked for his number. For the first 3 weeks I was always the one texting him first until one day I told him to quit being a stranger and keep in touch. Since then he has initiated almost every conversation. In fact, we spoke tonight and he said: “I’ll leave you to your friday since im prob gonna clock out soon, if you find yourself bored doing as little as possible you know theres someone you could reach out to whos doing likely even less.”

Good sign, right? 

Not really, in light of the underlined points above.

He doensn't sound all that interested. There's a difference between doing the kick-ass thing, and not recognizing when the interest isn't exactly mutual. So I wouldn't necessarily say that he doesn't know how to impress you or is inexperienced or is passive. I just don't think he's into you the way you're into him. 

 

[d0nnivain]

It sounds more like you come across as a bull in a china shop & he's  a modern man who has no idea what the rules are.  You told him to step up & he did.  You seem to want more from him but you are trying to play it cool (sort of).  This poor man feels like he's receiving mixed signals from you.  He doesn't know if you want to date or just chat.  He's afraid to be perceived as some hyper-masculine rapist so he's letting you set the pace.  You don't see or appreciate his struggle.  You think you want some 1950's assertive male stereotype but when a guy acts like that women of your generation scream about inequality, archaic gender rolls & toxic masculinity.  You have the poor guys walking this impossible  tightrope. 

So cut the guy a break.  I hope you did reach out when he announced he had no plans for Friday night.  But you didn't.  You posted here & complained that he's not taking the lead.   Make things easier on the both you & ask him out already.  If you can't bring yourself to that because you want the man to do the asking, say something along the lines of "are you going to ask me out already?"  

When he said 

Quote

 “I’ll leave you to your friday since im prob gonna clock out soon, if you find yourself bored doing as little as possible you know theres someone you could reach out to whos doing likely even less.”

he was begging you to spend part of your Friday with him.  If you had taken the bait & said, "great let's meet at ____________"  you would have had a date.   He's not uninterested.  He's unsure.  

[ShyViolet]

Has there been any discussion/plans to go out on an actual date?  Or is this just endless texting?  Unless he actually makes an effort to take you on a proper date then no, this is not a good sign, this sounds kind of meaningless.

[Crazelnut]

Just ask him out on a DATE.  Be clear -- not to hang out, but on a date. You'll know one way or another at that point.

[CalipsoRose]

What do you mean is going on here? Nothing out of the ordinary. Why are you two only texting? Why don't you just make a date to hangout? I'm confused as to what is the problem, doesn't seem like there is one. If you are frustrated that he hasn't made plans, then make the plans with him yourself. What is the issue? He seems interested. 

[princessaurora]

He may be super shy or possibly even intimidated by you. I don't agree that he's not interested. He gave you his number and when you mentioned you were always the one texting him, he stepped up his game and started initiating text, then he throws that Friday hint in there. Some guys are so passive, they can barely make any of the first moves, but once they feel confident you really like them, they tend to relax. Just bite the bullet and ask him out. If things go well, and ya'll get a little physical, he'll most likely let his guard down. 

[smackie9]

An interested guy no matter how anxious will make effort to show interest. This guy ain't feeling it.

[divegrl]

This man has really low self esteem.

He doesn’t care about himself..... so he doesn’t know how to care about you. 
 

Let this one go. Have a beautiful day.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

An interested guy no matter how anxious will make effort to show interest. This guy ain't feeling it.

That's my read on it too. 

I don't think he's afraid or intimidated or confused. 

[dramafreezone]

12 hours ago, Idontknowww said:

Met this guy a little over a month ago through a bunch of friends while hanging out. The conversation between us went well so I asked for his number. For the first 3 weeks I was always the one texting him first until one day I told him to quit being a stranger and keep in touch. Since then he has initiated almost every conversation. In fact, we spoke tonight and he said: “I’ll leave you to your friday since im prob gonna clock out soon, if you find yourself bored doing as little as possible you know theres someone you could reach out to whos doing likely even less.”

Good sign, right? I’m trying to do a kick ass thing by taking initiative and moving things along. Could his lack of initiating to hangout/flirtatiousness be a result of his own inexperience? Does he not know how to impress me? What is going on here?

Well he's clearly inexperienced.  But guess what, all guys are inexperienced at some point.

It's just up to whether you see him as a good investment of your time, or if you need something more ready-made.  Obviously there's something you see appealing to him, so it's just a matter of it you'll be willing to take the trade off of him being less experienced/confident until he gets it together.

I would not automatically take the advice of "dump him" though.  Generic advice doesn't necessarily apply to your situation.  There are not an endless amount of guys that you would find suitable for dating out there and you should clearly define what it is that you want, understand what it is that guy wants from you, and prepare purposefully, not just expect it to appear in front of you.  You will have to work at every relationship.

Edited April 10, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Beachead]

13 hours ago, Idontknowww said:

Met this guy a little over a month ago through a bunch of friends while hanging out. The conversation between us went well so I asked for his number. For the first 3 weeks I was always the one texting him first until one day I told him to quit being a stranger and keep in touch. Since then he has initiated almost every conversation. In fact, we spoke tonight and he said: “I’ll leave you to your friday since im prob gonna clock out soon, if you find yourself bored doing as little as possible you know theres someone you could reach out to whos doing likely even less.”

Good sign, right? I’m trying to do a kick ass thing by taking initiative and moving things along. Could his lack of initiating to hangout/flirtatiousness be a result of his own inexperience? Does he not know how to impress me? What is going on here?

It could be a lack of interest..but it could also be inexperience or fear from prior bad relationships and bad experiences with women.  

I suggest this:

Give yourself a deadline.  If nothing progress in the direction you find valuable, call it by then.  But before that, ease back on your effort, focus on yourself, and watch what he does.  You'll smoke out his intentions one way or another.

If he likes you:

He's going to feel like you got tired and his inaction is the reason, and he'll either come clean about how he feels (If he's inexperienced) and/or begin picking up the slack.   The overall momentum will be forward and things will improve.

If he doesn't like you/or using you for attention:

You either won't hear from him again or he may contact you just like he would if he did like you..except he'll pull back again.   The momentum won't be forward..it'll be back and forth, hot and cold and erratic.  

- Beach

Edited April 10, 2021 by Beachead

[Alvi]

4 hours ago, Beachead said:

suggest this:

Give yourself a deadline.  If nothing progress in the direction you find valuable, call it by then.  But before that, ease back on your effort, focus on yourself, and watch what he does.  You'll smoke out his intentions one way or another.

Or better yet for OP is to stop wasting her time on this particular guy. Yes, she can text with him, no harm, no foul. But instead of setting some deadlines, she should perhaps talk and date other guys as well. She can spend weeks or month waiting for this particular guy to ask her out, worry about his lukewarm, passive and confusing behavior, analyze anything and everything about his messages and became a nervous, erratic emotional trainwreck in the process. And who knows, maybe one day her wish will be granted and he is going to ask her out. But at the same time, she is probably going to miss out on many other great potential matches, just because she is waiting for this one guy who is not  that into her.

I've dated some shy and passive guys in the past and none of them had any troubles asking me out or planning any dates. He is not shy, ne is not passive, he is not lazy as some have suggested. He is simply not that interested in her. 

If a guy is interested, he will call, he will text, he will ask you out on proper dates, he will pay (at least for a first date), he will drive to you. 

 

Edited April 11, 2021 by Alvi

[Interstellar]

Since you already asked his number and you chit chat all the time you might as well just say: When are you taking me out? 

“Well, let’s go for  Korean tacos on Wednesday, 6 pm at Samurai tacos on Broadway and 42nd street.” Hopefully,  you get something similar.

Serious guys are usually more confident and decisive even if he’s a little shy.

 

Edited April 11, 2021 by Interstellar

[Alpacalia]

I think if you're "losing your mind" trying to find out what he's interested in and your emotions are stopping you from exploring any real options, or ignoring your needs as a result, it's perfectly reasonable to leave a possibility open for a later time while moving forward. He hasn't done anything to merit a "don't ever speak to me again" decree, so if he comes around, great! If not, no biggie.

[Beachead]

@Alvi

Some guys can be interested in a girl and be this way and it's not always because of a lack of interest.  This is coming from a male.

Based on what the OP wrote, I can't fully conclude he's not interested, so I offered her a neutral solution. The deadline is more to help her progress through this if she's having some trouble doing so. It helped me progress through situations I went through that were similar.  It'd be maybe a week or a month at most. 

I didn't tell her to put her dating life on hold and wait indefinitely for this guy. 

If you're unsure about something I write, just ask for clarification.   

- Beach

[basil67]

22 hours ago, Idontknowww said:

“I’ll leave you to your friday since im prob gonna clock out soon, if you find yourself bored doing as little as possible you know theres someone you could reach out to whos doing likely even less.”

Good sign, right? 

No, not a good sign.  Sounds like someone who's got no life, no friends and is overly passive.  He's a bundle of blaagh

Why are you giving this guy so much importance in your head that you're risking losing your mind over him?