Author babybrowns Posted April 21, 2021 Author Posted April 21, 2021 7 hours ago, introverted1 said: You don't know that "he has made up his mind to friendzone" you. This is your anxiety driving you into analysis overdrive. There are lots of reasons his texts could be different: Hard to maintain intensity when you have not met Work or life events are crazy for him right now He's dating other women He's mirroring your interest (you were very cool after your video chat IIRC) His dog/cat/fish died You can guess at this all you want but the easiest and surest way to find out would be to actually spend some time together in person. What confuses me is why you are so resistant to letting things play out? You seem to have this need to know up front exactly how things will go, what his interest level is, etc. Why can't you let it flow? Attraction and interest grow from face-to-face interactions, not from analysis or text. This need to define how things will play out before you've even met is so heavy. I would be surprised if some of this anxiety isn't apparent to him, although he may not interpret it as such and may just wonder what's going on. This makes a lot of sense, thank you for it. Ideally I would have the contact be at a reduced level until we physically meet next month. As Gaeta observed, it’s not that fun for me anymore. Which is mainly due to the mismatch between my hopes/expectations (that he would be more flirty, suggest a second video chat, etc), and the reality. It is for this reason that I want him to tone down on his random every day texts. And to wait until he meets me in person next month. But I worry that if I withdraw my engagement a little, he will then get the impression I’m not interested, and withdraw engagement himself, perhaps even not put meeting up with me as a priority when I’m in his town next month. It’s about getting the right amount of balance between keeping in touch but not over investing. Which is a bit difficult for me since I’m an all-or-nothing kinda person. But I have to learn how to do this middle ground someday!
NYAG Posted April 21, 2021 Posted April 21, 2021 13 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry this is happening. Since you are both talking to and meeting others, there's not that much to invest in for you. Yes I agree. Too much investment to early and on no foundation.
Author babybrowns Posted April 22, 2021 Author Posted April 22, 2021 (edited) This is probably one of the last replies I’ll make to this thread, but things have taken a bit of a nose dive. So after feeling a little friend zoned, and a little confused as to why he was reaching out to me daily when his messages had no hint of romance or flirtation in them, I asked him if he’d like to do another call. And, he didn’t reply as yet. It’s been a few hours, and for a man who takes only minutes to reply normally, he’s not responded. Clearly things have fizzled out for him, and I am naturally very close to sending him a final thanks but no thanks message tomorrow if I still haven’t got a response by then. I wish he would just say something like “sorry I’m busy”, rather than just disappear and leave me to work out his disinterest for myself. A clearer message after all this daily texting, will help me to put this experience in my past and not give anymore thought to it. But part of me is suggesting I wait until next month when I’m in his town to see if he still wants to meet up like he asked me just a few days ago. But if he just ignored my invitation to do another video chat, is there really any point in keeping him around? What should I do? Edited April 22, 2021 by babybrowns
Gaeta Posted April 22, 2021 Posted April 22, 2021 Put this on the back burner and contact him when you've moved there. This idea of connecting with a man online 3 months ahead isn't viable. 1
NYAG Posted April 23, 2021 Posted April 23, 2021 11 hours ago, babybrowns said: This is probably one of the last replies I’ll make to this thread, but things have taken a bit of a nose dive. So after feeling a little friend zoned, and a little confused as to why he was reaching out to me daily when his messages had no hint of romance or flirtation in them, I asked him if he’d like to do another call. And, he didn’t reply as yet. It’s been a few hours, and for a man who takes only minutes to reply normally, he’s not responded. Clearly things have fizzled out for him, and I am naturally very close to sending him a final thanks but no thanks message tomorrow if I still haven’t got a response by then. I wish he would just say something like “sorry I’m busy”, rather than just disappear and leave me to work out his disinterest for myself. A clearer message after all this daily texting, will help me to put this experience in my past and not give anymore thought to it. But part of me is suggesting I wait until next month when I’m in his town to see if he still wants to meet up like he asked me just a few days ago. But if he just ignored my invitation to do another video chat, is there really any point in keeping him around? What should I do? I would knock it on the head. This has not started well. It's not a good omen. Move on.
Author babybrowns Posted April 23, 2021 Author Posted April 23, 2021 (edited) Hello everyone, A bit of a sad update. My suspicions about his lack of interest ended up being true. I finally thought I’d let him know I’d been feeling he’s not that interested. And then, He messaged me to say, “I’m really sorry. Someone has come back into my life who I thought was long gone. I didn’t plan it. It’s been really nice chatting with you.” I knew something was up..now it’s confirmed. Oh well. Edited April 23, 2021 by babybrowns
Gaeta Posted April 23, 2021 Posted April 23, 2021 (edited) I'm sorry it didn't unfold as you wished. He was most likely eventually gonna meet someone local, and it ended up being someone from his past. There is no point in trying to find a boyfriend 3 months ahead before your move. You cannot compete against local women, ex or not. Edited April 23, 2021 by Gaeta
Author babybrowns Posted April 23, 2021 Author Posted April 23, 2021 (edited) I don’t think this is the ‘typical’/‘expected’ course of events with a long-distance acquaintanceship. I’ve been in a LDR before and have met other men long distance before. This man didn’t disappear because of ‘nearby tempting local treats’- as I found out today, a woman whom he loved dearly and who he has significant history with came back to him. Due to the very strange sensations I was getting from the start I wrote this thread because I could feel something was very off from the start. His mixed signals: his lack of real interest in me being in contrast to his reaching out to me every day. Him initiating 90% of our conversations and yet never seeking to ask me questions or ‘get to know me’ . This contrast was making it an odd enough situation that I knew something was up. I am glad that after doing some digging and asking him directly what was up, I found out the truth. It seems he was only texting me as a backup if things didn’t work out with his ex/ to keep me on ‘simmer’ while waiting for his ex to thaw out of the freezer and be his main course. Who knows how much more he would have dragged this on had I not called him out on his odd behaviour. Edited April 23, 2021 by babybrowns
Gaeta Posted April 23, 2021 Posted April 23, 2021 Not from the start. You said before the video chat he was very into you, flirting, contacting you often, etc. She came into play later. I think if you had been a local woman, with whom he had gone out with, kiss, had some good times with, he might have rejected the ex when she came back. You may think long distance romance is just fine but not everyone think so.
Author babybrowns Posted April 24, 2021 Author Posted April 24, 2021 (edited) 12 hours ago, Gaeta said: Not from the start. You said before the video chat he was very into you, flirting, contacting you often, etc. She came into play later. I think if you had been a local woman, with whom he had gone out with, kiss, had some good times with, he might have rejected the ex when she came back. You may think long distance romance is just fine but not everyone think so. We don’t know at what point the ex came back but I’m guessing that she was on the scene for a while. Our video chat was only 2 weeks ago and this man has been reaching out to me regularly since then. Until I called him out on my suspicions. I was his backup option while he was trying to get her back. And no doubt that in-person first dates are better than video chats, but I was in a very happy LDR for 3 years. This man was interested enough to text me every day after our video chat. And if I had met him in person and then his ex came back, that would have hurt bad. I’m glad I called him out at the right time and came out of this okay. His agenda was to continue chatting with me on the side without telling me about her. Edited April 24, 2021 by babybrowns
Wiseman2 Posted April 24, 2021 Posted April 24, 2021 Sometimes, "my ex came back", is just an excuse to get out of things without drama, explanations, bargaining,etc. Unfortunately he was never that on board with a distance situation. Rightly so, especially when you have never met. Wait until you are in your new location to date . 1
Author babybrowns Posted April 24, 2021 Author Posted April 24, 2021 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: Sometimes, "my ex came back", is just an excuse to get out of things without drama, explanations, bargaining,etc. Unfortunately he was never that on board with a distance situation. Rightly so, especially when you have never met. Wait until you are in your new location to date . Sometimes yes. But it is quite clear to me that this a genuine case of when the previous partner did come back; it answers a lot of questions and explains all the oddity. I do wish we could have met in person, it was just a few days ago that he invited me on our second date when I’d be in his town next month. I hope my next first date can be in person! Thank you all for your help
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