Mixed signals from first date- good vibes but no followup?

[babybrowns]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

BB, can you give examples of how he texts now versus before video date?  You describe as lukewarm, so I'm curious. 

And how do you respond?

 

The interesting thing is that, he has done most of the initiating of contact since the video chat. But his messages have lacked any sense of romance or flirtation, or any ‘real’ interest, or the “:)” and  “x” at the end. All this used to be there in his messages prior to the video chat.

And it is because of me feeling demotivated from what I can see to be a drop in his interest, that I am responding in a way that doesn’t really continue the conversation.

Eg he texted me a short while ago to ask how my weekend is going, I said great and asked him how his was going, he replied and told me something cool he was up to, I made a small comment, he said a little more about it, then I didn’t say anything more. Similar kind of thing yesterday; he reached out, and then I was the one who kinda shut down the conversation. Perhaps I should try to extend it a bit more. 

I think I’m just quite wary because of last year’s bad experience I had with a lukewarm guy who strung me along for months and it is why I might be wrongfooting myself here, being too cautious at the expense of not letting a good connection form.

Edited April 10, 2021 by babybrowns

[poppyfields]

He is still consistently reaching out, initiating, which is a good sign.

However, what's happening imo is your lower energies are bouncing back and forth between you.

You sensed  a lower energy from him after your chat, you took it personally attaching negative meaning to it, and as such matched his low energy with your low energy.

It's quite possible HE may be interpreting that as meaning you have lost interest, and he's lost motivation to pursue as intently as he did prior to video chat.

Women often don't realize men get insecure too, and can feel vulnerable.

That's my take, I could be wrong. 

 

Edited April 10, 2021 by poppyfields

[babybrowns]

Yes this makes sense, I just don’t think it can be changed. His lack of a followup message to our video date discouraged me quite significantly, naturally. It has muddied the water for me and made me feel quite friendzoned.

I’ve not had any indication since the virtual date that he’s into me, so I can’t project more interest than I feel and my guard is up. It’s just not working for me and I guess the kindest thing for me to do for both of us is to just let him go find a local woman.

Edited April 10, 2021 by babybrowns

[NuevoYorko]

3 hours ago, babybrowns said:

 My current thoughts though are still centering towards the fact that he didn’t send a followup message to that virtual date.

This is a confusing thread,  or else I am dense.

You had a virtual date; he posted something like "I had a good time" on your social media, he's now initiating texting with you.

This is all "follow up."

Quote

It’s just not working for me and I guess the kindest thing for me to do for both of us is to just let him go find a local woman.

I don't mean to be harsh, truly, but this is inappropriate.  There is not anything to "work" or not; you don't have a current relationship, and it's not your role to "let" him date or find anyone.

Why are you taking this like you need to decide whether to "break up" or not?  For online dating, this is a completely normal scenario.  People meet, spend the time together, and it's not going anywhere so they move on.  They don't owe the other person an explanation.  It's not "ghosting," it's a foregone conclusion that if it's not happening, further contact will be unlikely.

Certainly this experience could mirror yours with the guy you spent a virtual hour with and felt nothing.  Did you have a "break up" talk with that person or any others you had one meeting with and realized it wasn't going anywhere?  I didn't when I was online dating, and I think I'm a pretty standup guy.  I also had experiences similar to the one described in this thread, where I felt a mutual spark - that evidently wasn't as mutual as I had thought; or perhaps there were other reasons that the woman decided it was not a go; for example, she was already in a relationship.

If he's available now, he's dating, as are you.  As far as you're concerned, I think it's unrealistic to expect to start a new relationship that won't be "in person" for months.  As for him, he's dating.  You're not moving there for months.  It's reasonable for him to keep dating for the time being.  Even if he likes you and had a good 90 minutes with you, this would not be the time to even approach an "exclusive" situation.

If you want to cut contact, block him.  Otherwise keep communication lines open and see if he initiates a meeting after you get moved.  

Edited April 10, 2021 by NuevoYorko

[babybrowns]

5 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

This is a confusing thread,  or else I am dense.

You had a virtual date; he posted something like "I had a good time" on your social media, he's now initiating texting with you.

This is all "follow up."

 

No- that’s the point- he did not reach out with a message like that. He did not say he had a good time. I think you might have misread that part of the thread, with respect. What I said was that he contacted me the next day with a comment on something on my social media. That’s the whole point- there was no followup, no indication of whether he enjoyed our date or not, I have nothing that indicates he hasn’t just friendzoned me. If he had sent a simple followup “I had a great time, let’s meet in person when you’re next up here” kinda message, this thread wouldn’t exist.

Edited April 10, 2021 by babybrowns

[NYAG]

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

The interesting thing is that, he has done most of the initiating of contact since the video chat. But his messages have lacked any sense of romance or flirtation, or any ‘real’ interest, or the “:)” and  “x” at the end. All this used to be there in his messages prior to the video chat.

And it is because of me feeling demotivated from what I can see to be a drop in his interest, that I am responding in a way that doesn’t really continue the conversation.

Eg he texted me a short while ago to ask how my weekend is going, I said great and asked him how his was going, he replied and told me something cool he was up to, I made a small comment, he said a little more about it, then I didn’t say anything more. Similar kind of thing yesterday; he reached out, and then I was the one who kinda shut down the conversation. Perhaps I should try to extend it a bit more. 

I think I’m just quite wary because of last year’s bad experience I had with a lukewarm guy who strung me along for months and it is why I might be wrongfooting myself here, being too cautious at the expense of not letting a good connection form.

You cannot be romantic with someone you haven't met and build up hope of a relationship with someone you don't have a relationship with. That's just crazy. You are reading way too much into this and building up a relationship that doesn't exist yet. You aren't even in his town yet, how is he supposed to be into you. A videochat tells you nothing about someone.

[Gaeta]

33 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

No- that’s the point- he did not reach out with a message like that. He did not say he had a good time. 

And you didn't either.

After a first meeting l always sent a thank you text with *l had a great time* lt was my way to give the guy a greennlight.

[poppyfields]

50 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

No- that’s the point- he did not reach out with a message like that. He did not say he had a good time.

That’s the whole point- there was no followup, no indication of whether he enjoyed our date or not...

First bolded - did you?

Second bolded.- this is where you've lost me.

You KNOW he enjoyed the date, you talked for 90 minutes, quite intensely, you connected. There was no ambiguity during the date whatsoever.

How can you not know he enjoyed the date?

Why do you need that "follow up" reassurance of him actually saying it?   I mean wasn't it obvious that you connected? That you both enjoyed the date? 

And again, did you give him that follow up reassurance that you enjoyed the date?

So he reached out, he took the initiative after the date, and has continued to reach out and take initiative (high indication of interest), but because he did not meet your imo unreasonable expectation of saying "I enjoyed our date, let's meet person," you're going to dump him?

No disrespect but do you realize how silly that is?  You are allowing your own insecurities, anxiety and expectations drive what might have been a beautiful thing right into the ground. 

My advice?  Dump him and seek help for your insecurity, anxiety, unrealistic expectations and trust issues.  

I'm sorry.  All the best. 

Edited April 10, 2021 by poppyfields

[babybrowns]

18 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

First bolded - did you?

Second bolded.- this is where you've lost me.

You KNOW he enjoyed the date, you talked for 90 minutes, quite intensely, you connected. There was no ambiguity during the date whatsoever.

How can you not know he enjoyed the date?

Why do you need that "follow up" reassurance of him actually saying it?   I mean wasn't it obvious that you connected? That you both enjoyed the date? 

And again, did you give him that follow up reassurance that you enjoyed the date?

So he reached out, he took the initiative after the date, and has continued to reach out and take initiative (high indication of interest), but because he did not meet your imo unreasonable expectation of saying "I enjoyed our date, let's meet person," you're going to dump him?

No disrespect but do you realize how silly that is?  You are allowing your own insecurities, anxiety and expectations drive what might have been a beautiful thing right into the ground. 

My advice?  Dump him and seek help for your insecurity and anxiety.

I'm sorry.  All the best. 

Thank you, it is a good wake-up call. I’m going to try and step up the engagement from my side a bit and see if he takes the initiative to ask me on another virtual date. I agree that I have my guard a bit too high for how my aforementioned experience from last year terrorised me. Let’s see if things can progress if I give this guy a bit more of a green light. 

[ExpatInItaly]

13 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

I asked for opinions based on this situation. I repeat what I said before: you are passing a strong judgement based on a few words I have summarised a previous situation into.

With due respect, all she said was you might not be ready to date. 

Do you tend to over-react to perceived slights? That could indeed be part of the issue with this man, too: over-reacting to an anxious thought (that maybe he didn't enjoy his video--chat with you) that leads you into a bit of a spiral that is actually unnecessary. 

 

[cleverusername]

3 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I didn’t say anything more. Similar kind of thing yesterday; he reached out, and then I was the one who kinda shut down the conversation. Perhaps I should try to extend it a bit more. 

I think I’m just quite wary because of last year’s bad experience I had with a lukewarm guy who strung me along for months and it is why I might be wrongfooting myself here, being too cautious at the expense of not letting a good connection form.

Found your problem:

You- "Why is this guy not showing more interest?

Also you: "I was the one who kinda shut down the conversation.... I didn't say anything more.... not letting a good connection form"

You're the one who's giving mixed signals here. You either need to try and work through them, or cut down contact, but he's not the source of the confusion of lack of interest IMO.

[NYAG]

17 hours ago, Gaeta said:

And you didn't either.

After a first meeting l always sent a thank you text with *l had a great time* lt was my way to give the guy a greennlight.

Exactly this. I don't get why so many women expect men to be the instigators of affirmations of interest, and if they don't then they're clearly not interested. Not all men are instigators. Maybe the woman has given off signals that they didn't seem to be interested. We all need to look at our behaviour and instead of blaming the other think about how what we said or did might have come across to the other person. If you're interested in someone, just tell them What's the worst that can happen. If I am interested in a guy, I tell him. Simple as. It either gets met with a positive response or it doesn't. You've got a 50/50 chance!

[babybrowns]

Hello everyone,

I would like to provide an update.

First, I want to thank you all greatly for your posts. I was very close to cutting this guy off when I felt he was not meeting my expectations immediately after the video chat. But thanks to your insight and encouragement I waited, and thank goodness I did.
 

He has been keeping in regular contact with me ever since, again initiating most of the conversations and reaching out to me. I recently even said to him that I might be visiting his town next month to see some apartments, and he suggested we meet up. So lots of good signs from that. 
 

I am just a little wary of something: even though he is reaching out to me regularly, he doesn’t seem to want to get to know me that well. His messages are typically “how’s your day? Having a fun weekend?”, rather than trying to get to know me as a person through our communication.
 

Whereas when I am texting him, I am making my messages quite tailored according to his specific hobbies/interests (“you told me you like kayaking right? Have you heard that there’s a kayaking competition  happening near you?” Etc). He knows about my hobbies and interests but is asking nothing of the sort.

A few days ago when we were talking and it came up, I asked him if he likes to read classical fiction, hoping it would start a conversation since I’m a massive fan, but he just replied yes with his favourite author but didn’t ask me mine. So that’s what has been happening: this guy is making no effort to get to know me whereas I am making an effort to get to know him. And he is the one reaching out most of the time. 
 

To me it seems as though this man’s interest is perhaps just in keeping me around, for casual intentions perhaps, rather than in genuinely getting to know me; I was also hoping he would have suggested another video chat by now. Since we met on an online dating site I am wondering whether it might be worth floating the “what are you looking for from dating?” card with him..? Coz if all he’s after is something casual, I’d rather not waste my time on this. I have got to the point where I’m looking forward to his almost daily messages (and by the way I am starting to initiate more now too), but I don’t want all that if there’s not much substance to it.
 

I’m happy to let our communication be less, as Poppyfields wisely said on this thread to keep it occasional as to not lose the mystery too soon when we haven’t even met in person yet, and then have it spark back up closer to the time that I’m visiting his town next month, but, here he is reaching out, thus he is seeming to be willing to keep it up for now and I’m happy to hear from him (it is starting to get a little less frequent though- starting to fizzle out).

I would really appreciate some insight, thank you 

Edited April 19, 2021 by babybrowns

[Gaeta]

Didn't it say on his dating profile what he was looking for? I would not even start a conversation with a man without knowing his goal with dating. Of course you ask him. 

As to get to know each other that should happen while spending time together but if you must bite into this while chatting I'd say get the conversation going on important topics like political, environmental, religious, covid, vaccines, etc views. Those will really impact your life together. 

 

 

[introverted1]

Not everyone thinks text is the place/way to build a connection.

My observation from reading these forums is that there are people (like you) who use text as a conversational tool and others (like him, perhaps) who see it as a means of maintaining contact -- i.e., not falling out of sight -- but not for growing a relationship. He may be waiting until he can spend time together in person to do his deeper dive into what makes you tick. 

I would again suggest that you wait and see what happens when you meet up. 

Edited April 19, 2021 by introverted1
typo

[poppyfields]

7 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Not everyone thinks text is the place/way to build a connection.

My observation from reading these forums is that there are people (like you) who use text as a conversational tool and others (like him. perhaps) who see it as a means of maintaining contact -- i.e., not falling out of sight -- but not for growing a relationship. He may be waiting until he can spend time together in person to do his deeper dive into what makes you tick. 

I would again suggest that you wait and see what happens when you meet up. 

I think there is something to be said for playing the "long game" until you meet in person, but I echo this^^ entire post and believe it's probably the best course of action.

Edited April 19, 2021 by poppyfields

[babybrowns]

I agree completely, it would just have been nice if we could have done another video chat in between our first one and my trip to his town next month. But I guess that less is more for now and it helps conserve things and ‘re-set’ until we do meet in person. It is fun texting with him though; we do talk about politics, topical issues and a lot of other things. But when we meet in person, I’ll see if he shows more interest in getting to know me and seeking out what makes me tick. Thanks everyone for your replies

[Wiseman2]

47 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Not everyone thinks text is the place/way to build a connection.

  I agree. It makes some contact and a bit of connection but the type of rapport you need for a relationship, needs to be built in person.

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I would really appreciate some insight, thank you 

I think your expectations are too high if you are expecting a man that you barely know to discuss classical fiction with you. 

You don’t need to delve deep into knowing each other. You are mirroring his communication (which is what you should be doing) and apart from the political discussions, he is keeping it light and easy (appropriate, given that you do not know each other). 

See how things go when you meet in person, that’s my advice.

[babybrowns]

Yes it makes sense. But something I just can’t shake off, is how un-flirty his texts are, compared to what they were at the start.

At the start he was complimenting me, had ‘x’ kisses in, expressed excitement about meeting me, etc. But this all disappeared after our video chat 2 weeks ago. There has been *zero* flirtation since then, despite him reaching out to me daily.

The only ‘romantic’ sign in all our interaction so far is that when I told him a couple of days ago that I’d be visiting his town for a weekend next month, he suggested we do a walk with coffee. But this doesn’t really sound like a proper date, right?

Since we have already chatted over video for 90 minutes, knowing that we get on and all and that we don’t need to keep our first in-person meet a safe ‘short and sweet’, I was hoping he would have suggested something more date-like such as a lunch. Especially when he himself had called our video chat a ‘virtual drinks  first date’!

I even tried to be a little flirty with him today when he reached out just to see if he’d pick up on it/ reciprocate, but still zero flirting from him back.

I feel friendzoned. I don’t like it, and I don’t really want to have random texts from a man I like every day if he has friendzoned me. It is starting to upset me, feeling this unrequited interested from him almost being rubbed in my face every day, he being the instigator as the person reaching out and then not showing me any hint of romance. I want it to stop. I really don’t think he has romantic interest in me 

And I get that we have only video chatted once and texted the rest of the time. But knowing I was coming to his town, he didn’t even ask me out on a proper date? Yes the sensible thing would be to just wait it out for another few weeks until I’m in his town next month. But in the mean time I want him to stop messaging me and making me feel so friendzoned. Is it possible that he only does want me as a friend?

Edited April 20, 2021 by babybrowns

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

I really don’t think he has romantic interest in me 

Sorry this is happening. Since you are both talking to and meeting others, there's not that much to invest in for you.

[Gaeta]

In beginning he was in chase mode and all of you was a mystery with a couple of pictures. After the video chat the mystery was uncovered and his romantic interest lowered. Happens to all of us. It doesn't mean you're not attractive, it just means he did not get the big connection he was expecting. Also, he may have slowed down because he is currently dating someone local. 

[babybrowns]

Sure but then why is he still texting me every day? It’s not like he’s lonely- he has friends and sees them often, and if he’s talking to a local girl same thing, why would he bother coming after me? This is what I don’t understand.

I don’t want to be led down a false pretext of interest with a guy I met from a dating site when he has made up his mind to friendzone me. I want it to stop.

Edited April 20, 2021 by babybrowns

[Gaeta]

Keeping you as a backup, multi-dating, your guess is as good as mine and it's not really important why. What's important is that his change in attitude bothers you. If you're not getting anything fun out of it you are free to stop it anytime. 

[introverted1]

47 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

Sure but then why is he still texting me every day? It’s not like he’s lonely- he has friends and sees them often, and if he’s talking to a local girl same thing, why would he bother coming after me? This is what I don’t understand.

I don’t want to be led down a false pretext of interest with a guy I met from a dating site when he has made up his mind to friendzone me. I want it to stop.

You don't know that "he has made up his mind to friendzone" you.  This is your anxiety driving you into analysis overdrive. There are lots of reasons his texts could be different:

• Hard to maintain intensity when you have not met
• Work or life events are crazy for him right now
• He's dating other women
• He's mirroring your interest (you were very cool after your video chat IIRC)
• His dog/cat/fish died

You can guess at this all you want but the easiest and surest way to find out would be to actually spend some time together in person.

What confuses me is why you are so resistant to letting things play out?  You seem to have this need to know up front exactly how things will go, what his interest level is, etc. Why can't you let it flow?  Attraction and interest grow from face-to-face interactions, not from analysis or text.  This need to define how things will play out before you've even met is so heavy.  I would be surprised if some of this anxiety isn't apparent to him, although he may not interpret it as such and may just wonder what's going on.