Mixed signals from first date- good vibes but no followup?

[babybrowns]

12 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Sometimes posters open different threads on the same issue, days apart. This thread and your previous one were started within days of each other and both pertained to a video-date, so I don't think it is unreasonable for people to ask you to clarify that they are indeed two different men.

 

In theory yes but if that other thread was noticed, surely the title would have been noticed too, the contents of which being “no Chemistry- to accept his invitation to meet in person?”, this one being almost the polar opposite.
Close proximity in timing these 2 threads were yes, but such are the virtual times we are living in.

Edited April 9, 2021 by babybrowns

[Wiseman2]

Here's the thing. One-and-done dates are unfortunately the norm.

Never take it personally, even if it seemingly went well. Remember you're both still talking to and meeting others at that point.

Learn to roll with the punches, it's part of the OLD world.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

In theory yes but if that other thread was noticed, surely the title would have been noticed too, the contents of which being “no Chemistry- to accept his invitation to meet in person?”, this one being almost the polar opposite. Close proximity in timing yes, but such are the virtual times we are living in.

Yes, obviously. 

It's just that it's not unheard of for folks to do an about-face on such things and present a different version of events when things pan out differently than they expected. Posters were simply seeking clarification. 

That's all. 

[babybrowns]

7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, obviously. 

It's just that it's not unheard of for folks to do an about-face on such things and present a different version of events when things pan out differently than they expected. Posters were simply seeking clarification. 

That's all. 

3rd person you mean yourself who asked the question. And the other poster.

And I trust that it will not be referred to here again.

Edited April 9, 2021 by babybrowns

[Gaeta]

41 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

This one was on *both sides* high level interest, high level laughter, high level input, high level engagement and talking, and a bit of flirtation. A 90-minute video chat, getting to 90 minutes mostly for him continuously extending the conversation, during this guy’s lunch break from work which he kindly wanted to do (I had the day off).

I have been on dates where I was all bubbly, laughing, and had a good time. Then I got home and decided that over-all he was not the type of man for me. 

I have also been on dates where I didn't click and the following year came across the same man and ended up dating him. 

You cannot force things, let them unfold naturally. That means you go on with your life, if he calls back then good, if not you've lost nothing. 

Also you have not answered my question about why the rush in finding yourself a man in a city you will only move in in months? Surely you don't absolutely need a boyfriend to survive a few months. 

[ExpatInItaly]

7 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

Well I hope that by now I have made it even more clear for yourself and the other poster who both asked that question.

And I trust that it will not be referred to here again.

Yes.

Not sure why you're becoming defensive.  It was a simple question with no hidden meaning?

Edited April 9, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[babybrowns]

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I have been on dates where I was all bubbly, laughing, and had a good time. Then I got home and decided that over-all he was not the type of man for me. 

I have also been on dates where I didn't click and the following year came across the same man and ended up dating him. 

You cannot force things, let them unfold naturally. That means you go on with your life, if he calls back then good, if not you've lost nothing. 

Also you have not answered my question about why the rush in finding yourself a man in a city you will only move in in months? Surely you don't absolutely need a boyfriend to survive a few months. 

I have the same intentions and dreams as anyone else posting threads on here, to meet someone. This new town that I’m moving to happens to be one where I don’t know anyone, so I am talking to people living there.

This guy is exceeding expectations with that in that he is being very helpful, offering me a tour of the town when I visit, as well as offering to help me in my search to find an apartment. Both these things he said on the video chat (and I declined the latter).

And I should mention that in our text conversations since, he is the one who is trying to continue the conversation rather than myself. He is in fact giving a bit more input than I am. He seems to get more encouraged when I give more input, I haven’t been doing it as much as I ought to perhaps. So yes perhaps I am being a bit on the overthinking side here.

Thank you all for your help, I’ll come back on here to update after we have had our in-person date.

Take care all and stay safe

[introverted1]

BB, just chill for a bit until you are in his town. A few days before you go, you can message him and suggest meeting for drinks.  A face-to-face meeting will be more telling than a video chat.  Who knows, at that point you yourself may have cooled on this guy.  I know it is tempting to take action now, because that quells the anxiety; you don't have to worry about what, if anything, he's feeling if you take a pre-emptive strike.  But what I and others here are advising is that you learn to sit with the anxiety.  This is for your benefit, not his! Try playing out some "what if" scenarios.  After all, what is the worst that could happen? -  you message him about drinks and he either doesn't respond or declines.  If that happens, you'll be disappointed but you will be ok.  You'll move on.  And then, what is the best case?  You go out for drinks, have a great time, and make a real-life connection! Bottom line is that you don't need to do anything now, except rein in the thoughts that are making you so anxious.  Easier said than done, I know, but worth the effort.

[glows]

Work on the move, then the guys. It's a cart before the horse situation. I'd want to feel on top of the world before dating anyone or inviting them into my life, not having someone walk into a topsy-turvy mess. 

I don't think you're wrong for wanting more interaction or for sensing like something is off. I second the comments about not taking it personally but I do think you were setting yourself up for this. 

Edited April 9, 2021 by glows

[babybrowns]

Thank you both. Yes I definitely agree that waiting until I move and am settled there is better before pursuing a connection with guys in this new town. I am going to put dating in that city on hold for a bit.

But in this particular case, I’m just not feeling too encouraged by what looks like a drop in interest from this guy since our date. This one might be a case of burning this bridge and then making a fresh start with other men when I’m there.

Ofcourse a first ‘video date’ is not the same thing as a first in-person date, but just like one does pick up a sense of connection/excitement from an in-person date, one would pick up this sense from a video chat as well. Especially when in some ways a video chat is even more intense, a 90-minute face to face continuous conversation with zero distractions. The call left me feeling excited about him, but it didn’t leave him feeling as excited about me. As we all know, meeting someone for a first date (real/virtual) either makes us feel more excited about them, or puts us off them a little. And we want to give our time and efforts to someone who does like us and find us interesting, not to those who are lukewarm about us.

Yes he has kept up some communication with me since this video chat which means he does still harbour some interest, but not to the extent of sending me that all-important “I had a great time on our call and I’m looking forward to meeting in person when you come for a visit  “ This being the kind of message he was sending me prior to the video chat, you can see how this ‘stepping back’ from his end rather than ‘stepping up now that we’ve actually met’ has discouraged me from engaging too much more with this. 

Putting this on the shelf until I move to this town would make sense if I had a bit more to go on. But he’s not given me much encouragement that he liked our call and that he’s looking forward to meeting me. And I don’t want to contend with the risk of him meeting a local chick until then; I’d rather he just be set free to do that without still having me on his radar anyway. It’ll be an unnecessary worry at the back of my mind if we keep up any sort of connection until then, especially a lukewarm connection from his end. I’m someone that when I start liking someone, I tend to channel my efforts that way, but I can’t do that if I’m just a blip on this guy’s radar while he’s dating local chicks.

I’m going to wait till the end of this weekend to decide what to do.

Edited April 10, 2021 by babybrowns

[Wiseman2]

Here's the thing with OLD, you need to have a few irons in the fire.

That way, if this or that doesn't pan out, you just move forward.

Have a portfolio of dating options. That includes a couple quality dating apps, some real life situations etc.

Keep in mind when you seek out distance, you'll only attract weirdos, people in relationships and other assorted bad news.

Wait until you move and get settled in. You'll have much better luck.

[introverted1]

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Thank you both. Yes I definitely agree that waiting until I move and am settled there is better before pursuing a connection with guys in this new town. I am going to put dating in that city on hold for a bit.

But in this particular case, I’m just not feeling too encouraged by what looks like a drop in interest from this guy since our date. This one might be a case of burning this bridge and then making a fresh start with other men when I’m there.

Ofcourse a first ‘video date’ is not the same thing as a first in-person date, but just like one does pick up a sense of connection/excitement from an in-person date, one would pick up this sense from a video chat as well. Especially when in some ways a video chat is even more intense, a 90-minute face to face continuous conversation with zero distractions. The call left me feeling excited about him, but it didn’t leave him feeling as excited about me. As we all know, meeting someone for a first date (real/virtual) either makes us feel more excited about them, or puts us off them a little. And we want to give our time and efforts to someone who does like us and find us interesting, not to those who are lukewarm about us.

Yes he has kept up some communication with me since this video chat which means he does still harbour some interest, but not to the extent of sending me that all-important “I had a great time on our call and I’m looking forward to meeting in person when you come for a visit  “ This being the kind of message he was sending me prior to the video chat, you can see how this ‘stepping back’ from his end rather than ‘stepping up now that we’ve actually met’ has discouraged me from engaging too much more with this. 

Putting this on the shelf until I move to this town would make sense if I had a bit more to go on. But he’s not given me much encouragement that he liked our call and that he’s looking forward to meeting me. And I don’t want to contend with the risk of him meeting a local chick until then; I’d rather he just be set free to do that without still having me on his radar anyway. It’ll be an unnecessary worry at the back of my mind if we keep up any sort of connection until then, especially a lukewarm connection from his end. I’m someone that when I start liking someone, I tend to channel my efforts that way, but I can’t do that if I’m just a blip on this guy’s radar while he’s dating local chicks.

I’m going to wait till the end of this weekend to decide what to do.

BB, here is where I disagree with you (regarding the bolded, above).  I know you are putting a lot of stock into his behavior before the chat vs after, but what you are assuming is that this man thinks and behaves like you do.  You, as an anxious person, want extra reassurance now that you've had the chat.  His pattern could be completely different!  For example, he ramped things up to get to the first "prize," which was the chat.  It went well, which he even said. Now, he knows there is nothing more to be done until you guys can actually meet.  He also knows that trying to maintain that same level of flirtation/contact over a period of months is going to be futile.  So he's assessed the situation, realises he likes you enough to want to keep things warm until you can meet, and acts accordingly.  So while you are seeing his current actions as a drop off in interest, they could just as easily be his response to acknowledging that there is nothing else to be done right now. 

You're getting hung up on him specifically uttering the words “I had a great time on our call and I’m looking forward to meeting in person when you come for a visit  “ Yes, he said it once before, and he hasn't said it now.  But I wouldn't weigh this so heavily.  Maybe it doesn't occur to him to say it again since he's already said it once and it hasn't changed.  This is what I mean when I say you need to learn to sit with your anxiety.  There is no need to do anything right now.  Taking an action does nothing except: 1) Resolve your anxiety; 2) Ensure that nothing comes of this.  Now, I get why you want outcome 1, but, as I said before, this will only ensure outcome 2.  It doesn't serve any other benefit and actually makes your anxiety worse over the long haul because you are essentially feeding it with that reaction.

Now, I don't have a crystal ball (and neither do you!) so perhaps his interest has waned, but I don't think you can tell that from what little has happened. Trying to figure him out by  reading into every word he says or how many times he texts or what emoji he uses is just feeding your anxiety and not getting you any closer to knowing what he's thinking.  That's why I'm saying:  play it out, remain light-hearted, flirt a bit. Be the person you'd want to date! 

Also, it can be helpful -- not just in this situation but any time anxious thoughts are getting to you -- to think about alternative interpretations for behavior.  We've all done it - we get to work and our manager frowns at us and we start mentally searching for what we could have done to displease him/her.  But perhaps that person is frowning because they had an argument with their SO that morning, or one of their kids is sick, or they just got called out by their manager, etc., etc.  It is helpful to think through other reasons for a person's behavior and not assume the reason is automatically us. 

Good luck BB.

Edited April 10, 2021 by introverted1

[babybrowns]

57 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

BB, here is where I disagree with you (regarding the bolded, above).  I know you are putting a lot of stock into his behavior before the chat vs after, but what you are assuming is that this man thinks and behaves like you do.  You, as an anxious person, want extra reassurance now that you've had the chat.  His pattern could be completely different!  For example, he ramped things up to get to the first "prize," which was the chat.  It went well, which he even said. Now, he knows there is nothing more to be done until you guys can actually meet.  He also knows that trying to maintain that same level of flirtation/contact over a period of months is going to be futile.  So he's assessed the situation, realises he likes you enough to want to keep things warm until you can meet, and acts accordingly.  So while you are seeing his current actions as a drop off in interest, they could just as easily be his response to acknowledging that there is nothing else to be done right now. 

You're getting hung up on him specifically uttering the words “I had a great time on our call and I’m looking forward to meeting in person when you come for a visit  “ Yes, he said it once before, and he hasn't said it now.  But I wouldn't weigh this so heavily.  Maybe it doesn't occur to him to say it again since he's already said it once and it hasn't changed.  This is what I mean when I say you need to learn to sit with your anxiety.  There is no need to do anything right now.  Taking an action does nothing except: 1) Resolve your anxiety; 2) Ensure that nothing comes of this.  Now, I get why you want outcome 1, but, as I said before, this will only ensure outcome 2.  It doesn't serve any other benefit and actually makes your anxiety worse over the long haul because you are essentially feeding it with that reaction.

Now, I don't have a crystal ball (and neither do you!) so perhaps his interest has waned, but I don't think you can tell that from what little has happened. Trying to figure him out by  reading into every word he says or how many times he texts or what emoji he uses is just feeding your anxiety and not getting you any closer to knowing what he's thinking.  That's why I'm saying:  play it out, remain light-hearted, flirt a bit. Be the person you'd want to date! 

Also, it can be helpful -- not just in this situation but any time anxious thoughts are getting to you -- to think about alternative interpretations for behavior.  We've all done it - we get to work and our manager frowns at us and we start mentally searching for what we could have done to displease him/her.  But perhaps that person is frowning because they had an argument with their SO that morning, or one of their kids is sick, or they just got called out by their manager, etc., etc.  It is helpful to think through other reasons for a person's behavior and not assume the reason is automatically us. 

Good luck BB.

This is a really great and insightful post and I really thank you for it. I will be reflecting on it a few times over the weekend. My current thoughts though are still centering towards the fact that he didn’t send a followup message to that virtual date.
I completely get that it would be hard to keep up a high level of communication for the next 3 months. But atleast, to pre-empt his stepping down with a reassuring “so do let me know when you’re visiting my town next month- was great to talk!” would have been good for him to keep me interested.
Yes he said this back at the start before the video call, but as someone else on here rightly said, I was a ‘fantasy’ to him at that stage since he hadn’t met me yet. Thus to not reinforce this sentiment after the meeting when the fantasy did become a reality, and the person behind the face is “met”, is very discouraging. Especially when, my own wish to see him in person intensified. The lack of a followup message from this man reinforcing his interest, is having an impact on my motivation to keep engaging with our association.

I do feel that when a man is interested, he does make it clear, and a positive followup message after meeting me for the first time at the very least would have done the trick. I think he knows this himself, as any man does after a first date that excited him- he sends a positive message to let his interest be clear. Instead he’s left me with a lot of doubt and a feeling that the 90-minute meeting didn’t quite do it for him. It’s taking away my own interest in this, significantly. I’m going to wait it out until the end of the weekend to see what I want to do.

Edited April 10, 2021 by babybrowns

[Sun Seeker]

If he has changed from how he was before the video call to how he is after, then it's pretty clear what happened. He's just not that into you. You might have had a great 90 minute convo but for whatever reason, he's decided to dial things back.

If he was truly interested, he would be making sure to keep up at least the same communication as before, if not even more, to make sure you don't end up meeting someone else before you both have a chance to meet.

I remember when I met one of my exes while on holiday. She had to go back to her country and me to mine. After meeting her for the first time I knew it would be at least one month before we could meet again when I went to visit her. I made sure for that one month our communication increased, and made sure she knew I was very interested in her, so the only thought on her mind would be about us meeting again. No way was I going to dial things back and just wait until the month had passed before showing interest only when we met. That was a free pass to any other guy to scoop in. I knew what I wanted, and I was going to make sure I got it.

[Gaeta]

11 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

I do feel that when a man is interested, he does make it clear, and a positive followup message after meeting me for the first time at the very least would have done the trick. I think he knows this himself, as many man does after a first date that excited him- he sends a positive message to let his interest be clear. 

Absolutely but this was not a date.

If it had been a date then he would have set the 2nd date this week, and you would have kissed to test that chemistry, then there would be the 3rd date with hand holding, kissing, touching, then 2-3weeks and sex comes into play. 

Now you have none of that so of course all your competitions that lives close by him are more interesting to him.

[babybrowns]

You can see why I am getting closer and closer to just putting myself out of the misery and cutting this guy off There’s no worse thing for a gal than to have a guy she likes, having full access to her number, and not acting on it. But as I said I’m going to wait until the end of this weekend to decide what to do. Specifically, I’m going to see if he engages with me much by the end of this weekend to help me put the final nail into the coffin.
Punterxx’ wise words, from a male perspective especially, reflect my thoughts, sadly, so that’s the way it’s looking to go. It is making me upset how this guy has quite starkly dialled back on his level of engagement since our video chat, combined with no followup message to it, so why should I prolong this feeling like cr*p any longer 🥲

Edited April 10, 2021 by babybrowns

[BaileyB]

6 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

You can see why I am getting closer and closer to just putting myself out of the misery and cutting this guy off There’s no worse thing for a gal than to have a guy she likes, having full access to her number, and not acting on it. But as I said I’m going to wait until the end of this weekend to decide what to do.

You don’t have to do anything. 

For all you know, he has decided to back off a bit because you are not a “viable” dating option right now. Perhaps he’ll stay in touch and show you around when you arrive, and then decide if he wants to date you. Just follow his lead and see what happens - you have nothing to lose. 

Your anxiety makes you need to know now!! You need reassurance from him that he’s interested or you are going to cut this off before you get “hurt.” There is a third option here - chill. Go with the flow, reply to his texts, and either a) explore other options or b) focus on moving. I say this primarily because you are not moving and you won’t have the opportunity to meet the man for three months. But, it’s true of the early stages of any relationship... for a certain period of time, you need to just chill and let things happen. Hard to do when your tendency is to over invest after the first text or video chat! 

[babybrowns]

9 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

You don’t have to do anything. 

For all you know, he has decided to back off a bit because you are not a “viable” dating option right now. Perhaps he’ll stay in touch and show you around when you arrive, and then decide if he wants to date you. Just follow his lead and see what happens - you have nothing to lose. 

Your anxiety makes you need to know now!! You need reassurance from him that he’s interested or you are going to cut this off before you get “hurt.” There is a third option here - chill. Go with the flow, reply to his texts, and either a) explore other options or b) focus on moving. I say this primarily because you are not moving and you won’t have the opportunity to meet the man for three months. But, it’s true of the early stages of any relationship... for a certain period of time, you need to just chill and let things happen. Hard to do when your tendency is to over invest after the first text or video chat! 

Thanks for this Bailey this makes sense, but I have become very discouraged from engaging further with this man. I’m not prepared to entertain a guy’s sporadic messages like this when I’m so much more interested in him than he is in me.

Even if we met in person once I’m there, what difference would it make? He’s met me and spoken with me for 90 minutes. If he didn’t get excited enough from that to send a similar flirty message afterwards as he was doing so much before the video chat, what difference would it make if he met me in real life? Other distractions would be there at this IRL meet-up, and he’d see my whole body rather than just the top half, that would be it. But he’s not interested in anything romantic after meeting me and speaking with me- it all made the flirting stop. 

He’s made it far too disappointingly clear. For my own peace of mind I need to get rid of this association and stop waiting to see ‘will he text/ won’t he text’? And have day after day ruined with it. 

Edited April 10, 2021 by babybrowns

[BaileyB]

Just now, babybrowns said:

I’m not prepared to entertain a guy’s sporadic messages like this when I’m so much more interested in him than he is in me.

Well then, don’t. It’s entirely your decision. 
That’s the thing, this was one video chat. When I was dating, there were men that I would have gone out with again who did not contact me after the first meeting. And vice versa. Unfortunately, there are more times that it just doesn’t work out than it does... its’s just the way it goes. No harm done. 

[glows]

That's okay if he has your number. Try not to think of this as a huge affront or insult. I do agree with you actually that his responses appear lukewarm and not very interesting.

What you do is take a breather, don't just start chatting up the next guy and brush yourself off.

Do distance yourself from this guy, don't overthink things. YOU were the one in the video call so you're the one who gets to decide. Once you're settled and feeling good about your new place, you may also have new perspectives on things and may not feel the same way about certain people or be looking for the same things in a partner. 

I'd forget about the chit chat prior to the video call, by the way. That's past tense now. Always pay attention to a person's actions, reactions and see whether they follow through with their words. You don't want to get stuck with people who just talk and don't mean what they say. This might have very little to do with level of attraction and more to do with him just being flakey or weird. You're the one who makes that call so don't bother explaining it to anyone if it just doesn't feel right.

 

[Gaeta]

27 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

Even if we met in person once I’m there, what difference would it make? He’s met me and spoken with me for 90 minutes. 

One video chat cannot be compared to a real life meeting. You seem to think it's the same.

I have video chat with men before meeting and of course I thought they were funny and handsome but when I saw them in real it was a big WOW! and sometimes it was a big let down. There is something that doesn't go through a video chat and it's our smell. Our smell is what detect other human's pheromones, it has a huge part in finding a mate and in sexual attraction. You also don't feel someone true energy through a video.

Are you new to online dating? Now you have a guy that goes luckywarm after a 90 mins video, soon it will be men ghosting you after 1-2-3 dates, or after sex, or even after 3 months dating. It's reality of online dating, it doesn't work until it does. 

Edited April 10, 2021 by Gaeta

[babybrowns]

I’m not new to online dating, i even met an ex through it. And as for video chats, I met a couple of guys through these last year, who got very excited after our first virtual date and asked for more video chats (since it was the lockdown) and an in-person date as soon as we could. That is how a man acts when he is interested, whether he met you IRL or virtually. It is why I’m treading very carefully with this man who’s not given me strong signals at all since our virtual date.

[poppyfields]

BB, can you give examples of how he texts now versus before video date?  You describe as lukewarm, so I'm curious. 

And how do you respond?

Men can sense an anxious and "pissy" (sorry, resentful) attitude no matter how hard you try to hide it.

Clearly, you're anxious, pissed off, hurt, so wondering if that's being reflected in your responses? Not accusing, just asking.

Versus, playful and upbeat, despite his change in attitude and slight push back.

I do not agree with "mirroring" his energy, that's such a game.  

No need to give him or any man that power, maintain your own energy. 

Be your own person. Have that confidence.

Might turn things around and get him pursuing again....

 

 

Edited April 10, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

That said bb, I do agree he's lost some interest since video chat.  As I said earlier, 90 minutes was too long.  

A big part of early attraction and romance is mystery and intrigue.  A part of that is gone now after such a long and "intense" (your word) video chat.

You may be able to turn this around but if not, next time when long distance and you cannot meet for weeks or months, slow him down and keep low key.

Message sporadically, fun and light, no future talk. 

If he's coming on strong, you have the ability to slow it down, dial it back.  There is no rule stating you must follow his fast paced agenda. 

I'm sorry this doesn't appear to be working out as you hoped, but my advice is don't do anything, allow it to play out.

If he's fading, allow him to fade. 

See what happens when you're actually in the same city.

Good luck. 

 

Edited April 10, 2021 by poppyfields

[smackie9]

You never know this guy might resurface when you move there. But I agree you should put things on hold until you move so you can go out on real dates and have fun.