Mixed signals from first date- good vibes but no followup?

[poppyfields]

20 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Who knows, when you're living in his city he might just pop up and invite you for a drink. Don't burn your bridges. 

This^ would be my attitude.

bb, before the video chat, you were fantasy.  After video chat, you became a bit more reality.  

Hence the pull back and he's realized actually dating you right now is an impossibility.

If me, I would relax and roll with it. 

There is going to be some push/pull but that is not necessarily a bad thing, it can be exciting and fun, IF you have the right attitude.

Like I said, you allowed yourself to become far too invested, too soon.

That said, if you want to cut him off, that is certainly your choice but since you really like him, to me that's an over-reaction and you may be tossing something away that could be really good once you move to his area and meet in person.

Edited April 9, 2021 by poppyfields

[babybrowns]

 

24 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

We are telling you to not wait for this man. You continue doing your thing, if he calls back good, if he doesn't nothing lost. 

When are you moving to that other city?

When a man stops flirting after a meeting it's because although you were interesting enough to chat for 90 minutes he didn't feel you were it. Not his fault, not your fault. You drop it, no need to act all offended and block him, you just put your attention on finding someone else. Who knows, when you're living in his city he might just pop up and invite you for a drink. Don't burn your bridges. 

I appreciate this. But I am someone that doesn’t settle for a lukewarm guy anymore; I have in the past, and had a horrific experience with it. It propelled me to the good place of only accepting someone who has mutual interest in me. Ofcourse we hardly know each other after one call, but the way we both felt during the call was different enough to make me want nothing more to do with this.
I loved our call and felt excited after it, but clearly, he didn’t. When he was uber excited before it- the contrast is stark and hurts. 
If he is not feeling it after the call, I want nothing more to do with him. It’s a lonely, painful road if I were to continue associating with him, jumping at his every text whereas he is simply indifferent to me, and the sooner I block him, the better. I’ll do it with an accompanying message saying I just didn’t feel his interest level matched mine. I’ll give it another day or so, and then do it. 

22 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

 

This is your anxiety talking. 

You've had one conversation with this guy and you are not in the same city.  He's not leaving you in the dark - it's just way too soon to expect more than occasional contact until you are both in the same place and can take things forward. Your expectation that he will announce his intentions or maintain a certain level of contact is not realistic.  He likely doesn't know himself and nor should you.  "Holding out" is not reasonable for either of you and I don't think anyone here is advocating that.  Rather, enjoy the contact you have, continue to do whatever you'd be doing if you hadn't talked to this guy, and see what happens when you are in a position to actually date.

And no, you definitely should not ask what sort of vibes he is feeling.  That's a surefire way to scare him off and/or remove all the fun and flirtation that should be happening at this stage!  Again, this is coming from a place of anxiousness, and the only person who can fix/soothe that is you. Expecting a guy who has invested a whole 90 minutes with you (and not even in person) to declare his intentions will be alarming to anyone with a healthy identity/dating style.

Thank you I appreciate this. But again when I felt during the call that I really like this guy, I can’t just settle for low-level interest from him since it’s a stark mismatch. It’s humiliating to say the least, and a constant reminder of the unrequited interest to keep talking to him. My only choice as to not get hurt further is to cut him off completely.

Edited April 9, 2021 by babybrowns

[cleverusername]

How did you meet this guy? I think that matters

[babybrowns]

We met online. We live a 4-hour drive away from each other.

[babybrowns]

13 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

This^ would be my attitude.

bb, before the video chat, you were fantasy.  After video chat, you became a bit more reality.  

Hence the pull back and he's realized actually dating you right now is an impossibility.

If me, I would relax and roll with it. 

There is going to be some push/pull but that is not necessarily a bad thing, it can be exciting and fun, IF you have the right attitude.

Like I said, you allowed yourself to become far too invested, too soon.

That said, if you want to cut him off, that is certainly your choice but since you really like him, to me that's an over-reaction and you may be tossing something away that could be really good once you move to his area and meet in person.

Thanks this makes a lot of sense as well. But I’m just too scared of getting hurt. I do feel that if he liked me enough from the call, he would keep up the flirty and interested texts, in fact they would be further enhanced. Instead he withdrew all of this.
And it is because I like him, that I don’t want to subject myself to feeling like that. Especially when I really enjoyed the call and thought he did too. Embarking on a slippery slope where I like him more than he likes me- a very no-go zone for me.

Edited April 9, 2021 by babybrowns

[poppyfields]

1 minute ago, babybrowns said:

We met online. We live a 4-hour drive away from each other.

Are you familiar with push/pull?  It gets a bad rap but in moderation, not a bad or negative thing, imo.

In fact, imo its human nature.  

Again, before video date he was all gung ho because you were an image to him, a fantasy.

Afterwards, you've become a bit more reality; let him sit with that for awhile, do not freak out like you're doing now, wanting to cut him off because he's no longer blowing up your phone? 

Try and chill, deep breaths, go for a run! Lol. Do some yoga, that always helps me whenever I feel anxious.

[babybrowns]

Thank you poppyfields, this is very helpful. Perhaps it’s worth me holding fire on doing anything drastic like ending our connection for a while. I’ll be in his town next month a bit to view apartments to live in; I might hit him up and see if he wants to meet for a drink.
But in all fairness, since he asked me on what he called this “date” earlier this week, I really would appreciate some more clarity from him on:

a) is he still interested in trying an in-person date, like he initially said before the video call?

b) whether he felt from the 90-minute call that he now just wants to be buddies.  

If it’s the latter, I really don’t want any part of it. Like if we met for a drink when I’m at his town, would it just be as friends or more? I want that clarity.

It was this awkward position I was in with another guy last year, when we finally met after 6 months of him stringing me along, that he confessed he sees this as just friends and nothing else. 
This is why the uncertainty from this, the drop in interest from him, is making me quite reluctant to engage further.

Edited April 9, 2021 by babybrowns

[Gaeta]

If l were you l would wait until l am living there to start dating.

No one will chat for months until you move there. Also what you're doing is damaging your chances of connecting with one of those men. Majority of them will not pursue you because of the distance and months ahead. Those same men that won't pursue you now may be perfect for you if you contact them once you live there.

Concentrate on your move and get to dating again after moving to that city.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

There has been a little back-and-forth texting today, nothing too much, and more concerningly, nothing like what it was before the video chat.
Before the video chat his texts were excitement, a little flirtatious, keen to meet me in person. And since the video chat, they have been low-level interest, no hint of romance or flirtation.

That’s your cue to take a step back. If he wants to pursue this further, he will. 
Keep texting if you like,  but with no expectations. 
This is a perfect opportunity to practice what we’ve all been talking about these past few months... exploring dating options without getting over invested, keeping your expectations low and reasonable. 
You can’t force these things. Either, it will work out or it won’t. All will be revealed in time and if it doesn’t work out, such is life. 

Edited April 9, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

But I’m just too scared of getting hurt.

You will only get hurt if you invest unwisely in the relationship.
Right now, it’s unwise to invest in this relationship. You have had one video chat. Nobody should be feeling hurt after one video chat. 
Disappointed, maybe. Hurt, no. 

 

Edited April 9, 2021 by BaileyB

[NYAG]

21 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Hello all,

I recently had a video first date with a guy which went really well. Conversation flowed well, there was a bit of flirtation, and he even offered to show me round the new town I’ll be moving to soon since he’s from there.

He ended the date after 90 minutes since he had to go back to work, but with the closing line “it was lovely to talk, much better than just texting, hope to speak to you soon again”.

But this all seems to be in contrast to the fact that I didn’t get a followup message from him. I’m not sure why since all seemed quite well, and I’ve had my share of good and bad dates in the past to have the inkling when things haven’t gone quite so well. Almost every good first date I’ve been on has been followed by the guy messaging to say he had a great time and a proposal for a second date.

I’m curious to hear some takes on this; does it sound overall like disinterest?

Thanks for your advice

 

Did you message him or are you waiting for him to message first?

[poppyfields]

>>But I’m just too scared of getting hurt.

babybrowns, if you prematurely ditch guys because they don't meet your unrealistic expectations of how a man "should" be acting towards you after one video chat or anytime throughout your relationship, and/or you're too afraid of getting hurt, then you are going to have an extremely difficult time dating and developing relationships.

We have asked you before, when was this video date?  If it was a few days ago, lord girl, please relax!

I don't think I have ever witnessed such an over-reaction after one video chat.

Look at this way, so what if you do get hurt?  That's life, sometimes we get hurt. We eventually get over it, we heal, we move on.

But if we are too scared to take the risk, then nothing is ever going to happen, you will either prematurely dump guys or unconsciously (or consciously) self-sabotage your dating experiences. 

I have been through hell in back, especially in one of my long term relationships that ended a few years back, and I came out the other side stronger and wiser, if I can do it, you can too!

I am not afraid to take risks, or of getting hurt.  I am resilient, a survivor and learn from all experiences, good, bad, positive, negative. 

Edited April 9, 2021 by poppyfields

[NYAG]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

A few months?? No one will wait for you for a 'few months'. How far is that city? 

Yeah, I've got to be honest I would not chat to someone for 3 months before meeting them. What a waste of time. You have no idea who they really are until you meet them and then spend actual time with them in various scenarios. I keep my geography tight. If I can't meet someone in about a week of matching I am probably not going to bother because there are many many online timewasters out there at the moment. I don't want a penpal, I want to meet someone I can have a relationship with.

[babybrowns]

I have also had a few long-term relationships, my last one being a 3-year long LDR which worked just fine. I still haven’t fully healed from that. [It ended a few years ago.]

The [concern] I have here is that this person is not so into me as I am into him. Yes we have had just one meet-up, but it was an intense 90-minute video call. If he’s not picking up interest from that, I don’t see why I should invest more time and energy into it.

As a lot of you are saying, I think I’ll just shelf this for a bit.

Edited April 9, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Member request

[NYAG]

25 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

You will only get hurt if you invest unwisely in the relationship.
Right now, it’s unwise to invest in this relationship. You have had one video chat. Nobody should be feeling hurt after one video chat. 
Disappointed, maybe. Hurt, no. 

 

If you're too scared of getting hurt you will never get into a relationship. You have dive in both feet first having done your due diligence first and not rushing in. Head over heart.

[NYAG]

7 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

>>But I’m just too scared of getting hurt.

babybrowns, if you prematurely ditch guys because they don't meet your unrealistic expectations of how a man "should" be acting towards you after one video chat or anytime throughout your relationship, and/or you're too afraid of getting hurt, then you are going to have an extremely difficult time dating and developing relationships.

We have asked you before, when was this video date?  If it was a few days ago, lord girl, please relax!

I don't think I have ever witnessed such an over-reaction after one video chat.

Look at this way, so what if you do get hurt?  That's life, sometimes we get hurt. We eventually get over it, we heal, we move on.

But if we are too scared to take the risk, then nothing is ever going to happen, you will either prematurely dump guys or unconsciously (or consciously) self-sabotage your dating experiences. 

I have been through hell in back, especially in one of my long term relationships that ended a few years back, and I came out the other side stronger and wiser, if I can do it, you can too!

I am not afraid to take risks, or of getting hurt.  I am resilient, a survivor and learn from all experiences, good, bad, positive, negative. 

All of  this. If you never take chances you will spend your life living in a bubble and do nothing but sit waiting for other people. Take control.

[babybrowns]

3 minutes ago, NYAG said:

If you're too scared of getting hurt you will never get into a relationship. You have dive in both feet first having done your due diligence first and not rushing in. Head over heart.

I’m a 31 yo and have had 3 long-term relationships which have each lasted atleast a year. I’m no novice to dating, though it might seem like it here with this virtual dating world.

And in addition to my LTRs, I have had all sorts of flings. 

All our experiences help us to know what we really want and are looking for.

I for one, from my unpleasant experience last year of which this strikes a chord or two, am not interested in entertaining a one-sided interest where I ignore red flags that are screaming “he’s just not that into you”.

Perhaps his interest level will get higher when we meet in person, perhaps it won’t, either way I agree that one video call is too early to ‘call it’. I’ll ask him to meet up when I’m in his town next month (he did offer to show me around his town on the video call after all) and take it from there.

Edited April 9, 2021 by babybrowns

[Gaeta]

Why are you online looking for a man in a city you will not move in for months? 

You have a fantasy like idea of how it should work. Like if a man likes you enough he should be willing to put up with months of chatting online and wait for you to move there.....not gonna happen!

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Last Saturday you posted about just having a video date with a man you felt little if any attraction for.

Different guy? 

 

I was about to ask the same thing. 

[babybrowns]

6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I was about to ask the same thing. 

I’m not sure why since these 2 are very different stories. I felt zero Chemistry with that person, hence the title of that thread. They are different men.

[smackie9]

An interested man will show interest and be in regular contact....he's not that interested. Never settle for lukewarm.

[Gaeta]

9 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

 I felt zero Chemistry with that person

But yet you video chat with him for a full hour. 

Why is it so hard to think that this current man could speak 90 mins but not feel chemistry. 

Edited April 9, 2021 by Gaeta

[babybrowns]

2 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

An interested man will show interest and be in regular contact....he's not that interested. Never settle for lukewarm.

Exactly, you can see the dilemma! To ask him for an in-person meet when I’m in his town next month or not, that is the question

[babybrowns]

17 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

But yet you video chat with him for a full hour. 

Why is it so hard to think that this current man could speak 90 mins but not feel chemistry. 

That was a one-sided “him show” where from my side there was very little interest, very little laughter, very little input. I gave him one hour out of politeness, and as I said on that thread, he did most of the talking while I politely listened.

This one was on *both sides* high level interest, high level laughter, high level input, high level engagement and talking, and a bit of flirtation. A 90-minute video chat, getting to 90 minutes mostly for him continuously extending the conversation, during this guy’s lunch break from work which he kindly wanted to do (I had the day off).

I am really not too sure why that other thread is being referred to here: I have said a couple of times now pertaining to the question someone asked on here, that this is a different person and a very different scenario.

Edited April 9, 2021 by babybrowns

[ExpatInItaly]

24 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

I am really not too sure why that other thread is being referred to here: I have said a couple of times now pertaining to the question someone asked on here, that this is a different person and a very different scenario.

Sometimes posters open different threads on the same issue, days apart. This thread and your previous one were started within days of each other and both pertained to a video-date, so I don't think it is unreasonable for people to ask you to clarify that they are indeed two different men.

 

Edited April 9, 2021 by ExpatInItaly