Mixed signals from first date- good vibes but no followup?

[babybrowns]

Hello all,

I recently had a video first date with a guy which went really well. Conversation flowed well, there was a bit of flirtation, and he even offered to show me round the new town I’ll be moving to soon since he’s from there.

He ended the date after 90 minutes since he had to go back to work, but with the closing line “it was lovely to talk, much better than just texting, hope to speak to you soon again”.

But this all seems to be in contrast to the fact that I didn’t get a followup message from him. I’m not sure why since all seemed quite well, and I’ve had my share of good and bad dates in the past to have the inkling when things haven’t gone quite so well. Almost every good first date I’ve been on has been followed by the guy messaging to say he had a great time and a proposal for a second date.

I’m curious to hear some takes on this; does it sound overall like disinterest?

Thanks for your advice

 

Edited April 8, 2021 by babybrowns

[Backinthesaddleagain]

There aren't enough details here to assess your situation. See below:

How did you meet him? Have you met in person? Was the video call the first interaction? Have you been texting beforehand?

If you have been texting before the call, how long have you guys done that?

How long ago did you chat? Has he gone dark for a couple days after the video chat? Or longer? 

Sorry to say, but you will meet tons of flaky people in the dating pit. I went on quite a few first dates that seemed to go really well with fun activities, conversation, chemistry, kissing, hugs, etc. and some just vanished. There are literally an unlimited amount of reasons for it. I gave up analyzing what went wrong, because it doesn't solve anything. Instead, I stayed positive and kept trying and putting myself out there. I met someone last year after almost 2 years of searching and couldn't be happier. Stay with it. 

 

[poppyfields]

When did this video first date take place?  How long ago?

Are you long distance? 

I only ask because instead of a 90-minute video date, why did you not simply meet for a drink or coffee in person?

 

Edited April 8, 2021 by poppyfields

[Trail Blazer]

21 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

When did this video first date take place?  How long ago?

Are you long distance? 

I only ask because instead of a 90-minute video date, why did you not simply meet for a drink or coffee in person?

 

Covid?

[poppyfields]

14 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

Covid?

Maybe.  Can't use that excuse anymore in my neck of the woods.  People are meeting and gathering, having drinks, coffee, going for walks, in person.  It's pretty much back to how it's always been.

But don't know where the OP lives, there may still be a lockdown in her area.

 

 

[glows]

When was the date? 

Don't wait for a response. Simply move on. If he does get back to you and asks you out again, then pay attention or consider if you'd like to speak with him or meet him in person.

Edited April 8, 2021 by glows

[ShyViolet]

This all depends on how long ago the "date" was.

And sorry, the title of this post is a little misleading.... this wasn't a "first date."  It was a video chat.  If you haven't met in person then you haven't had a first date yet.  Don't put too much stock in a video chat.

[Trail Blazer]

32 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Maybe.  Can't use that excuse anymore in my neck of the woods.  People are meeting and gathering, having drinks, coffee, going for walks, in person.  It's pretty much back to how it's always been.

But don't know where the OP lives, there may still be a lockdown in her area.

 

 

Many areas of the U.S. and Europe are still in lockdown.  So, I'm betting she lives in one of those areas.

[Gaeta]

A video chat is not a date.

[Gaeta]

I've been in lock down + curfew for months. We are still allowed to take walks, visit parks, we just need to keep 1 meter distance ( 3 feet)

[Lotsgoingon]

Sounds like a date to me. 

You ask what happened? I'll ask you: haven't you met people before on dates, had a perfectly fine time, but then not really wanted anything to go forward?

Sounds like you guys liked each other. But really what you want is a burning desire to meet again. Doesn't sound like you guys hit it off in a burning-desire way. So he follow the "protocol" that I think is sound, which is avoid going out on a second date unless you feel overwhelmingly clear that you want to. 

Or he might not really be ready to date. He might have pushed himself out there to meet people, but really his life might be messy for reasons that have nothing to do with how much he likes you. I've certainly been on dates, enjoyed myself, but later realized, I don't have the energy to go forward. Sometimes this happened when I was depressed. 

Oh BTW: there is no such thing as "mixed signals." Mixed signals = not interested. You need really strong interest for romance to occur. Yes, some people get involved without such strong interest, but the relationship usually doesn't thrive. When people are interested, they make that overwhelmingly clear. Absent that, the person is not interested--doesn't matter how much you enjoyed the date.

Edited April 8, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[poppyfields]

Jmo but I think the 90 min video call was the undoing.  There was no mystery, no intrigue which is all part of building attraction.

Next time, make it brief and set a time to meet.  If you're still in lockdown and can't meet, then message occasionally until you are able to meet.

Not for 90 minutes, not every day, you'll get burned out, yawn.

 

 

Edited April 9, 2021 by poppyfields

[cleverusername]

I'd 100% rather text than video call. It's awkward. First, I get enough video call action as it is with work. Secondly, Its lots of work with very little reward (getting dressed, planning some sort of activity, etc. ) all to just close your computer and walk away at the end. Third, at least with text you can respond when it's convenient. Long story short, there its a lot of work for nothing.

Just my man perspective. 

[babybrowns]

Hi all,

Thanks for your replies everyone so far. This was a first date since he gave it this label when he asked me out: a “virtual drinks first date”.

We live in different cities; I am moving to his city in a few months for work hence I was online dating with that city as my location. He knew from the start that we live in different cities so it’s not like he got a shock from that or anything. Before the virtual date when we were texting more, he’d said he’d love to meet me the next time I’m in his city and asked when I’m coming. It’s upsetting how that’s taken what looks like a 180. Especially when there was no sign of this 180 on the date!

Yes, I do want someone who is interested in pursuing something. This guy is doing a little breadcrumbing: without any followup “I had a good time text”, he messaged me the next morning just to comment on something small on my social media. And that was it.

I do feel that we hit it off well on our virtual date. But if this is nothing other than a half-hearted guy playing the field, I’ll give it another day and then I’ll cut him off. I used to settle for lukewarm but I’m past that at my stage in life.

It’s just disappointing since I’ve had a handful of video first dates these past few months, where I didn’t feel much Chemistry, but this one really stood out. To the point that this lack of what I’d consider to be a natural follow-on from such a good date is upsetting me. To avoid prolonging the upset, I do need to cut him off soon.

Edited April 9, 2021 by babybrowns

[poppyfields]

Last Saturday you posted about just having a video date with a man you felt little if any attraction for.

Different guy? 

 

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

We live in different cities; I am moving to his city in a few months for work hence I was online dating with that city as my location. 

It’s just disappointing since I’ve had a handful of video first dates these past few months, where I didn’t feel much Chemistry, but this one really stood out. To the point that this lack of what I’d consider to be a natural follow-on from such a good date is upsetting me. To avoid prolonging the upset, I do need to cut him off soon.

I'm a bit confused why you feel you need to cut him off???

bb, you don't even live in the same area yet, not sure what you're expecting.

When was the date?  Why not relax, talk to other guys, and play the long game with this guy till you move? 

No more long video chats, have fun messaging occasionally; when you move to his city, arrange to meet in person. 

I think you're far too invested after only one video chat and over-reacting, jmo.

Edited April 9, 2021 by poppyfields

[BaileyB]

I agree. This wasn’t a “date” it was a video chat. And as such, my expectations for a follow up message would be lower. 

You have nothing to lose by waiting it out to see if he messages again. And/or in a few days, send him another message to show your continued interest. 

Otherwise, there is nothing lost here except your expectations. A few text messages and a video chat. If he decides it’s not worth pursuing, such is life...

Edited April 9, 2021 by BaileyB

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

This was a first date since he gave it this label when he asked me out: a “virtual drinks first date

He can call it what ever he wants, it's still not a date. A date is about taking a lady out and showing your best behavior, all he had to do here is click a button, he didn't even need to put his pants on. A date request efforts, chivalry, paying the bill, none of that video chat requested any of that. If you call that a 'date' you're setting the bar very low!

There is no reason for you to get upset. He text you the following morning he had a good time, what else do you expect?. If you want to chat up men living in a different city you'll have to accept the real connection will have to wait until you're living over there. 

 

[introverted1]

15 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I'm a bit confused why you feel you need to cut him off???

Took the words right out of my mouth.

What does it mean, even, "cut him off"?

You had a virtual date and it seems you both enjoyed it. You don't live in the same city, so there's no option for an in-person date, and he suggested talking again, although didn't nail down a date/time.  What's wrong with that?  He's likely checking out local options, just as you would be if not for your impending move.  I am not sure what you expect at this stage -- a series of regular video "dates"?  What's wrong with staying in touch (text, maybe occasional video) until your move and then, if you are both amenable, having a face-to-face date?

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, babybrowns said:

This guy is doing a little breadcrumbing: without any followup “I had a good time text”, he messaged me the next morning just to comment on something small on my social media. And that was it.

Sorry this happened. People don't really want to invest much in someone they have never met and is also long distance. People want to date in-person in real-time with local people they can get to know through real in-person dates. 

That's ok, one "virtual date" doesn't really amount to much. It's disappointing, but not unexpected or unusual. Don't take it personally. Try to date locally. 

[babybrowns]

16 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

 

There is no reason for you to get upset. He text you the following morning he had a good time, what else do you expect?

 

No he didn’t, that is the point. He didn’t send me anything like that. He simply asked me about something on my social media that was it. 
There has been a little back-and-forth texting today, nothing too much, and more concerningly, nothing like what it was before the video chat.
Before the video chat his texts were excitement, a little flirtatious, keen to meet me in person. And since the video chat, they have been low-level interest, no hint of romance or flirtation. This contrast is what is confusing and upsetting me.
There has been zero reference to how he found the date, whether he had a good time, whether he just sees it as a friends thing but not more, I am literally left in the dark.
Worst case scenario, if he isn’t feeling it, I’d rather know now. In the past I have held out for one or two guys for months who ended up having zero interest and just stringing me along since they liked the attention, I am not prepared to put myself back into that position. I feel like asking this man what kind of vibes he felt from the call as for this to not turn into another one of those cases, I’m not sure how to do that or if I even should.

 

[babybrowns]

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. People don't really want to invest much in someone they have never met and is also long distance. People want to date in-person in real-time with local people they can get to know through real in-person dates. 

That's ok, one "virtual date" doesn't really amount to much. It's disappointing, but not unexpected or unusual. Don't take it personally. Try to date locally. 

Thank you. It’s just that I’ll be moving to his town in a few months, and with that in mind from the start he was still very happy to talk to me and invited me to do this video chat. After days of very excited texts from him, romantic flirtation included, the whole thing has just deflated since we did that call.
I did feel very comfortable talking to him and to be honest, the withdrawal from his end has made me feel a bit vulnerable. I am usually a private person but he made me feel comfortable enough to discuss things (nothing personal), and if he actually wasn’t that into it when he really made out to be on the day, it makes me feel a bit of an idiot.

As to not prolong this feeling low about this, fuelled by the contrast between how much I enjoyed this call versus his drop in interest since it, I feel like just taking myself out of the misery and deleting/blocking  his number. I don’t want him to send me random texts and random pictures of stuff when he’s not actually into it.

Edited April 9, 2021 by babybrowns

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

 In the past I have held out for one or two guys for months

 

We are telling you to not wait for this man. You continue doing your thing, if he calls back good, if he doesn't nothing lost. 

When are you moving to that other city?

When a man stops flirting after a meeting it's because although you were interesting enough to chat for 90 minutes he didn't feel you were it. Not his fault, not your fault. You drop it, no need to act all offended and block him, you just put your attention on finding someone else. Who knows, when you're living in his city he might just pop up and invite you for a drink. Don't burn your bridges. 

[introverted1]

 

1 minute ago, babybrowns said:

No he didn’t, that is the point. He didn’t send me anything like that. He simply asked me about something on my social media that was it. 
There has been a little back-and-forth texting today, nothing too much, and more concerningly, nothing like what it was before the video chat.
Before the video chat his texts were excitement, a little flirtatious, keen to meet me in person. And since the video chat, they have been low-level interest, no hint of romance or flirtation. This contrast is what is confusing and upsetting me.
There has been zero reference to how he found the date, whether he had a good time, whether he just sees it as a friends thing but not more, I am literally left in the dark.
Worst case scenario, if he isn’t feeling it, I’d rather know now. In the past I have held out for one or two guys for months who ended up having zero interest and just stringing me along since they liked the attention, I am not prepared to put myself back into that position. I feel like asking this man what kind of vibes he felt from the call as for this to not turn into another one of those cases, I’m not sure how to do that or if I even should.

 

This is your anxiety talking. 

You've had one conversation with this guy and you are not in the same city.  He's not leaving you in the dark - it's just way too soon to expect more than occasional contact until you are both in the same place and can take things forward. Your expectation that he will announce his intentions or maintain a certain level of contact is not realistic.  He likely doesn't know himself and nor should you.  "Holding out" is not reasonable for either of you and I don't think anyone here is advocating that.  Rather, enjoy the contact you have, continue to do whatever you'd be doing if you hadn't talked to this guy, and see what happens when you are in a position to actually date.

And no, you definitely should not ask what sort of vibes he is feeling.  That's a surefire way to scare him off and/or remove all the fun and flirtation that should be happening at this stage!  Again, this is coming from a place of anxiousness, and the only person who can fix/soothe that is you. Expecting a guy who has invested a whole 90 minutes with you (and not even in person) to declare his intentions will be alarming to anyone with a healthy identity/dating style.

[Gaeta]

4 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

 I’ll be moving to his town in a few months

A few months?? No one will wait for you for a 'few months'. How far is that city?