ExpatInItaly Posted April 10, 2021 Posted April 10, 2021 4 hours ago, Irridescent said: I don't think he deserves to know he has that power over me so I'm giving him the silent treatment for now. While I understand that you don't to speak to him right now, I don't think just ignoring him is the smart way to go for your own well-being. I would personally tell him that you realize you two want different things, so it's best to part ways here. That way you won't be tempted into hoping he still notices you on social media, feeling angry when he does but still doesn't make plans with you, etc. Just make a clean break and be done with it. And in the future, don't stick around this long when someone clearly and repeatedly shows you that you are not a priority. 3
Gaeta Posted April 10, 2021 Posted April 10, 2021 5 hours ago, Irridescent said: And I don't think he deserves to know he has that power over me so I'm giving him the silent treatment for now. Don't concentrate on what he deserves or not. Concentrate on you, and what you need is a clean and clear breakup. Giving him the silent treatment is only you hoping he'll notice you and start chasing you. That's what behind every silent treatment. 1
d0nnivain Posted April 10, 2021 Posted April 10, 2021 5 hours ago, Irridescent said: I wrote down a long angry message expressing how hurt I am and then deleted it. It felt good to evacuate the feelings. He commented on one of my instagram stories yesterday as if nothing was wrong, I really think he had his head so far up his ass that he doesn't even realize how hurt I am. And I don't think he deserves to know he has that power over me so I'm giving him the silent treatment for now. That is immature & ineffective. The best thing you can do is communicate civilly & end this. If you are upset, you have to talk to him. To expect him to read your mind & then get mad der when he doesn't read your mind or change into the planner / communicator you want is completely unfair. You are s***-testing him. Writing out the angry message was fine. Deleting it was great! You have to purse your emotions not take them out on him. Just do the mature thing & end this. Then disconnect on all platforms. Playing childish games with him to make him guess why you are all upset is never going to solve anything. He's also not going to change so what is the point of your little tantrum? Life is too short. Just end this. It's not about him having power over you. He has no power you don't give him. You have the power to make yourself happy by stopping trying for force something that is not going to work. Go read the Greek myth of Sisyphus & stop recreating it in your own life. 2
Author Irridescent Posted April 10, 2021 Author Posted April 10, 2021 I understand all of your points of view but for me it's not about childish games, it's about matching energy. If he doesn't think communication is important, then he doesn't deserve it in return. If he does message me I'll let him know that I'm not interested in pursuing this further and wish him a good life. I don't think he deserves more and I'm definitely not waiting for him to text. 3
trident_2020 Posted April 10, 2021 Posted April 10, 2021 5 hours ago, Irridescent said: I'm giving him the silent treatment for now. Reminds me of an old joke. One boy says to the other "I'm not going to talk to my girlfriend until she takes back something she said." Other boy "What did she say?" First boy "I never want to talk to you again!" 2
ExpatInItaly Posted April 10, 2021 Posted April 10, 2021 4 hours ago, Irridescent said: I understand all of your points of view but for me it's not about childish games, it's about matching energy. If he doesn't think communication is important, then he doesn't deserve it in return. If he does message me I'll let him know that I'm not interested in pursuing this further and wish him a good life. I don't think he deserves more and I'm definitely not waiting for him to text. Fair enough. That's not exactly the silent treatment as I understand it, which would suggest ignoring his attempts to communicate with you (and in my books, commenting on a social media does not count as communication) However, I understand now what you meant. So yes, if and when he actually speaks to you (does he ever actually call, or does he just text you?) I would let him know you've decided to call it off here. And then walk away cleanly and respect yourself more in the future. Don't wait around for 5 months for someone who won't make it official and is fairly indifferent about connecting with and seeing you. 3
Wiseman2 Posted April 10, 2021 Posted April 10, 2021 14 hours ago, Irridescent said: I really think he had his head so far up his ass Sounds like you're handling it well. In the long run, you dodged a bullet if he's this clueless. 2
Author Irridescent Posted April 22, 2021 Author Posted April 22, 2021 So I have an update on the situation, when I called it off he came apologizing promising me that it was just a busy phase and that he really cares for me and cherishes our connection. So I told him that it seems that the energy that we are each willing to give doesn't match and that we'll just end up making each other miserable but he urged me to give him another chance. So we made up and I placed my boundaries clearly so that there is no miscommunication in the future. He acknowledged that he didn't realize that I was "waiting" for him and that he figured I was going ahead with my life. Anyway, it's been a week again since we last met so I asked him if he could find some time this week and he said : it's not that I don't want to, really, it's just that there are so many things going on and I want us to spend quality time together and not when my mind is elsewhere... perhaps we could have lunch one day? So I agreed to lunch which we had yesterday he got a call from a colleagues and they were discussing about planning a meet-up with some of the other colleagues on Monday evening and he said he would organize a doodle to find which day worked best for most. I was so shocked because he clearly told me that he didn't have time in the evenings, yet in front of my face he was planning a get-together with colleagues! Not even his friends, just colleagues! I didn't want to start a fight at that time because I had a meeting right after and I wanted to process my thoughts as well. Am I crazy or is this just absurd behavior? Is he really that clueless?
elaine567 Posted April 22, 2021 Posted April 22, 2021 1 hour ago, Irridescent said: Is he really that clueless? Obviously he is.... 1
Alpacalia Posted April 22, 2021 Posted April 22, 2021 I'm not sure. If you're arguing about spending time together, it's usually not a positive sign. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted April 22, 2021 Posted April 22, 2021 3 hours ago, Irridescent said: Is he really that clueless? No, he just doesn't care very much. I think it's time you walk away from this guy for good. It's not working and you don't have the same interest in each other. 1
introverted1 Posted April 22, 2021 Posted April 22, 2021 Maybe he does cherish your connection but just not the way you do. It's possible he is content with the idea of you and doesn't need so much of the reality of you. As long as he knows you are not dating others, he is satisfied with seeing you on a sporadic basic. He doesn't need more than that to feel contented in the relationship. What's clear (imo) is that this is who he is, so you have to decide if this is enough for you. 2
Author Irridescent Posted April 22, 2021 Author Posted April 22, 2021 40 minutes ago, introverted1 said: this is who he is, so you have to decide if this is enough for you. Yes, this is exactly the conclusion I have come to. It's a shame but this is just getting absurd and exhausting. Thanks for the reassurance. 1
Wiseman2 Posted April 22, 2021 Posted April 22, 2021 6 hours ago, Irridescent said: Yes, this is exactly the conclusion I have come to. It's a shame but this is just getting absurd and exhausting. Unfortunately it seems your initial assessment of him was accurate: On 4/10/2021 at 2:48 AM, Irridescent said: I really think he had his head so far up his ass 1
Author Irridescent Posted May 15, 2021 Author Posted May 15, 2021 Just thought I'd give you an update since you were all so helpful. I broke up with him and we've been no contact since. The first 2 weeks were really difficult, but I'm slowly moving on mentally. I still tend to question why I wasn't enough for him but I know that there is no point in going down that rabbit hole... I need to look forward instead of looking back. Thanks for the support, I really appreciate it. 3 1
Wiseman2 Posted May 15, 2021 Posted May 15, 2021 3 hours ago, Irridescent said: . I broke up with him and we've been no contact since. Excellent. Your instincts about him were correct. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. He's just another Bozo . Be glad he's gone. 1
Versacehottie Posted May 15, 2021 Posted May 15, 2021 10 hours ago, Irridescent said: Just thought I'd give you an update since you were all so helpful. I broke up with him and we've been no contact since. The first 2 weeks were really difficult, but I'm slowly moving on mentally. I still tend to question why I wasn't enough for him but I know that there is no point in going down that rabbit hole... I need to look forward instead of looking back. Thanks for the support, I really appreciate it. It might be hard at first and even for a while, but in the longer run it will all make sense and very likely lead you to exactly your right person. Try to think of this as a step in the RIGHT direction. A healthy, necessary, exciting step Bolded: I would advise you to flip that thinking. How you characterize the event of calling it off with him can be really hurtful or helpful to you and your future dating endeavors. Now that it's done, IMO best to acknowledge that there is some pain there or that it is "confusing" on some levels but that you've got yourself on the best path for YOU now. Also with the bolded, it's important to not take an event that happens in life, such as a breakup, and let it define you personally. It was an event; it's temporary. The conclusion that comes out of it should not be about you in general, ie "not enough". That kind of thinking will hold you back. Not explaining it well this am but when not ideal events happen in your life, you should not let them apply to your being, your character, things about you in a pervasive manner--or they will follow you around. You keep it related to just that event, outside of "YOU" and linked only to that event. For example in this case, you would say, we weren't right for each other, keeping it tied only to the combo of you two in that time in space and you can leave in the past. Even better if you can take springboard information from that event, ie the things you learned. He wasn't right for me because I deserve someone who is sure about me, who makes time for me, etc. Try to go back through and re-characterize the relationship and break up in a way that will serve you now. You can still acknowledge that it is painful. But the other things should help not ding your self-confidence, self-esteem and won't carry into the next one (if you don't say statements such as "you weren't enough", hell no that is too blanket, too self-critical, probably not true at all and won't work for you). ok, good luck
Author Irridescent Posted May 16, 2021 Author Posted May 16, 2021 11 hours ago, Versacehottie said: Try to go back through and re-characterize the relationship and break up in a way that will serve you now. Thank you for taking time to explain this, it's definitely helped give some perspective. Now I just need to keep reminding myself! 1
Taramere Posted May 16, 2021 Posted May 16, 2021 On 5/15/2021 at 6:51 AM, Irridescent said: Just thought I'd give you an update since you were all so helpful. I broke up with him and we've been no contact since. The first 2 weeks were really difficult, but I'm slowly moving on mentally. I still tend to question why I wasn't enough for him but I know that there is no point in going down that rabbit hole... I need to look forward instead of looking back. Thanks for the support, I really appreciate it. I think you're inspirational. You clarified for yourself, via this relationship, what you need in a relationship and what your boundaries are regarding the treatment you'll put up with. It sounds like you communicated that clearly and fairly. He was probably impressed by how you handle yourself, and that's maybe part of why he wanted to give things another go - but it sounds to me as though it was less a case of you not being "enough" for him, more a case of him not having his act sufficiently together to handle a relationship with a woman who is a good communicator and knows how to impose boundaries.
Wiseman2 Posted May 16, 2021 Posted May 16, 2021 5 hours ago, Irridescent said: I just need to keep reminding myself. Yes. Make sure he stays in the dungpile.
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