Irridescent Posted April 8, 2021 Posted April 8, 2021 I've been dating a guy for the past 5 months, things have been going really well and we are "exclusive". At the early stages when we hadn't "defined the relationship" yet he was flakey with his texting especially when it came to planning a date. I would suggest something and he would say "yes sounds amazing, I'll let you know when I'm free" and then he wouldn't say anything for days until I would remind him. I confronted him about this at the time and said that I don't like to be left hanging and that either a yes or no would suffice, and if it's a maybe, it shouldn't be a maybe for 4-5 days, I would like to have an answer sooner in order to organize the rest of my week. He acknowledged that he was wrong and apologized and we moved on. Now he's doing the same thing again, we haven't seen each other in 2 weeks since he was busy with a work deadline last week and then spent Easter weekend with his family. I asked him last Saturday if he would like to come over for dinner one evening this week and he immediately replied "yes I would love to! When would be best for you?" and after I gave him my days he said "Ok I just need to figure out my schedule for work and I'll let you know as soon as I get organized". It is now Thursday afternoon and he hasn't brought it up again. We had a brief chat on Tuesday about something else through text but I didn't want to have to remind him that I'm still waiting for an answer. I find it quite disrespectful really to keep someone hanging like that, either he has forgotten completely (which would really suck) or in his mind it was more of a "no" than a "yes" and he doesn't think I'm actually expecting him to turn up this week? Obviously he's the only one with the answer but I hate having to always be the one to start these conversations or to "beg" for some time together. What are your thoughts?
BaileyB Posted April 8, 2021 Posted April 8, 2021 Is he generally disorganized and overwhelmed by life, or is this behavior primarily related to keeping the commitments he has made to you? 3
introverted1 Posted April 8, 2021 Posted April 8, 2021 Ask once and if he doesn't get back to you in whatever time you deem reasonable, make other plans. If he then responds, just tell him that, as you hadn't heard back, you made other plans. He'll get the idea pretty quickly if he's interested in a r/s with you. If not, it's possible that, exclusivity aside, he doesn't see you as a priority. This tends to be my reaction in any case upon hearing that he hasn't seen you in 2 weeks, unless you are in a LDR. 7
Author Irridescent Posted April 8, 2021 Author Posted April 8, 2021 1 hour ago, BaileyB said: Is he generally disorganized and overwhelmed by life, or is this behavior primarily related to keeping the commitments he has made to you? Yes, he is quite overwhelmed generally and is a "focus on one thing" kind of guy. But that's mostly been about his work, I wouldn't think that it would reflect in personal life aswell ? 1 hour ago, introverted1 said: Ask once and if he doesn't get back to you in whatever time you deem reasonable, make other plans. If he then responds, just tell him that, as you hadn't heard back, you made other plans. He'll get the idea pretty quickly if he's interested in a r/s with you. If not, it's possible that, exclusivity aside, he doesn't see you as a priority. This tends to be my reaction in any case upon hearing that he hasn't seen you in 2 weeks, unless you are in a LDR. Yes well he knew that Thursday evening is the last free night for me as I'll be away on a weekend trip from tomorrow, so I'm not expecting to see him today. I agree with your last sentence, he definitely doesn't see me as a priority, we only hang out when he has nothing else going on. I guess it's a good eye opener for me. :( 4
Wiseman2 Posted April 8, 2021 Posted April 8, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, Irridescent said: he said "Ok I just need to figure out my schedule for work and I'll let you know as soon as I get organized". Sorry this is happening. Is he on/off with an ex? Stop making plans with him. Let him step up. If he doesn't and you're always last-to-know-need-to-know then you'll have your answer. Basically, people make time for what matters to them. Dating and planning dates shouldn't be like pulling teeth. Edited April 8, 2021 by Wiseman2 4 1
introverted1 Posted April 8, 2021 Posted April 8, 2021 23 minutes ago, Irridescent said: Yes, he is quite overwhelmed generally and is a "focus on one thing" kind of guy. But that's mostly been about his work, I wouldn't think that it would reflect in personal life aswell ? Yes well he knew that Thursday evening is the last free night for me as I'll be away on a weekend trip from tomorrow, so I'm not expecting to see him today. I agree with your last sentence, he definitely doesn't see me as a priority, we only hang out when he has nothing else going on. I guess it's a good eye opener for me. People who have the wherewithal to hold down a job, pay their bills, and otherwise live an adult life generally also have the wherewithal to plan dates. My take is that although you are exclusive, this just means that neither of you is seeing/sexing anyone else. That's a good start, but it does not reflect on the seriousness of the r/s. Based on his actions, it seems that he enjoys the time he spends with you when it happens, but he's not in any rush to ensure that it happens on a regular basis. I tend to believe this is a reflection of his feelings about you, or else you would be the object of his focus in his leisure time. And if it's a case that he is so disorganized that he can't figure out how to spend time with you in spite of actually wanting to do so (I find this dubious), is this something you can live with? 6 1
hippychick3 Posted April 8, 2021 Posted April 8, 2021 If you have to “remind” someone to see you, you need to move on. Let him initiate and if he does not, he’s just not that interested in you. Find someone who is. 8 2
glows Posted April 8, 2021 Posted April 8, 2021 Of course it's disrespectful. You'll have to figure out how to separate the people who only pay lip service from the ones who actually follow through with their words. You are not overreacting. I'd mute his contact out of sheer disinterest and free up my time talking with others. 2 1
Versacehottie Posted April 8, 2021 Posted April 8, 2021 He's either flakey and disorganized, or not that into you or both. I don't think this will end well and probably you should consider that you just aren't suited for one another and that this isn't good enough for you. IMO, you are doing too much of the chasing and initiating. If you didn't do that you would get a baseline of how he really feels about you and his normal level of effort. Which IMO should absolutely be tested. You might have tricked yourself into this 5 month thing by doing most of the work and believing it's more than it is (to him). What did you mean by overreacting? Did you flip out on him? Did i miss that? Anyway, my opinion regardless of if you flipped out or not, is that to a guy, disinterest and pulling back says more to them than heightened emotions. (is more motivating). 3 1
BaileyB Posted April 8, 2021 Posted April 8, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Irridescent said: Yes, he is quite overwhelmed generally and is a "focus on one thing" kind of guy. But that's mostly been about his work, I wouldn't think that it would reflect in personal life aswell ? Obviously, it really does though... People aren’t generally one way in at work, and another way in relationships. If he’s the kind of guy who need to focus on one thing at a time or he gets overwhelmed... In his words, he needs to get “organized... “ That would absolutely affect his ability to plan and follow through with commitments - whether that commitment was a text, a call, or a date. If you need someone who is more organized, follows through on his commitments, and just generally shows more interest... you may need to find someone else to date. This may not be your guy, you are not compatible in this way. Edited April 8, 2021 by BaileyB 1 1
d0nnivain Posted April 8, 2021 Posted April 8, 2021 After 5 months you now know who he is & how he organizes his life (he doesn't). This is man that does not make plans . Know that about him & that it won't change. Since you are struggling to accept this, take it for what it is: A glaring neon sign screaming that you two are not compatible long term. You will drive yourself nuts if you try to continue with this guy. He will resent you for being too rigid. I don't think you are rigid but he's never gonna change so you have two choices: go with the flow or dump him It's only been 5 months. Life's too short to be this annoyed. Go find somebody who can read a calendar. 6 1
redglass Posted April 8, 2021 Posted April 8, 2021 It sounds like there’s two things going on here: This guy is laid-back, a bit flakey and doesn’t like to commit to things in advance. I’m guilty of this myself, and it’s a bad habit that is not very fair on other people. However, the one person I’ll always try to avoid this bad habit for is my fiancé. The fact he is acting like this towards you, his partner, rings bells. Five months isn’t a long time, but it’s long enough. I personally would feel uneasy if my partner couldn’t commit to such simple events. 4 1
Calmandfocused Posted April 8, 2021 Posted April 8, 2021 You didn’t read the signs well from the beginning IMO. Why did you keep pushing him to see you from the get go? You should have just let him disappear. Men who are interested Act like they are! This guy was clearly showing you lack of interest from the start but you continued to chase. I don’t buy the common excuses; being busy, disorganised etc. All that translates to is; Not interested!!! Remember that if a man really really wants to see you he will move heaven and earth to do so. At the mo he’s happy just to sit back and let you do the work to arrange dates. That speaks volumes! Bottom line is his interest in low and you are not a priority to him. I’m really sorry it’s not better news for you but you’d be doing yourself a massive favour if you started believing his actions, rather than making excuses for him. 2 2
ShyViolet Posted April 8, 2021 Posted April 8, 2021 It's not just that he's being disrespectful for not getting back to you. I think the bigger issue is that he isn't making an effort to SEE you. He's dating you but it doesn't seem to bother him at all if he hasn't seen you in a while, and you are the one who has to keep initiating dates or meet-ups. That shows that he has a low level of interest in you. Why would you want to date someone who isn't excited about seeing you and doesn't make an effort to actually spend time with you? 7 1
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted April 8, 2021 Posted April 8, 2021 5 hours ago, Irridescent said: I've been dating a guy for the past 5 months, things have been going really well and we are "exclusive". It's been 5 months. Why aren't you his girlfriend yet? The fact that you aren't means you really don't have a leg to stand on here. You two are CASUAL, though I'm sure he's getting relationship benefits. 5 hours ago, Irridescent said: I would suggest something and he would say "yes sounds amazing, I'll let you know when I'm free" and then he wouldn't say anything for days until I would remind him. This sucks, but this is who he is. At least with you. 5 hours ago, Irridescent said: I confronted him about this at the time and said that I don't like to be left hanging and that either a yes or no would suffice, and if it's a maybe, it shouldn't be a maybe for 4-5 days, I would like to have an answer sooner in order to organize the rest of my week. This is called common decency that you shouldn't have to remind a person about. By confronting him, you come across and more invested than he is and pleading for respect. The better thing to have done is accept who he is, and determine if this is something you can live with. If you can't, then things should be over. 5 hours ago, Irridescent said: Now he's doing the same thing again, we haven't seen each other in 2 weeks since he was busy with a work deadline last week and then spent Easter weekend with his family. He's doing the same thing again. Shocking! Ah, the "busy" excuse. Why didn't he invite you to spend the holiday with his family? 5 hours ago, Irridescent said: I asked him last Saturday if he would like to come over for dinner one evening this week and he immediately replied "yes I would love to! When would be best for you?" and after I gave him my days he said "Ok I just need to figure out my schedule for work and I'll let you know as soon as I get organized". It is now Thursday afternoon and he hasn't brought it up again. How often does he ask you out, on his own, and actually show up without reminders? Things sound pretty much one-sided, with you doing most of the date asking and planning. 5 hours ago, Irridescent said: I find it quite disrespectful really to keep someone hanging like that What you have to realize is that he's been showing you from the very beginning who he is. People can make small changes, but they rarely ever change who they are at their core. At this point, you are disrespecting yourself. Why are you putting up with this? Don't you think that you deserve better? 1
Author Irridescent Posted April 8, 2021 Author Posted April 8, 2021 (edited) Thank you all for the input, so many eye opening sentences and thoughts, I can't quote all of them. I admit it was not easy to read and I'm crying while writing this but I definitely needed this reality check. He's not even worth a confrontation, I'll let it fade and if/when he turns up I'll politely let him know that I'm busy and don't have time for him until he gets the hint. Edited April 8, 2021 by Irridescent 13 1
d0nnivain Posted April 8, 2021 Posted April 8, 2021 Dry your tears. He is not worth them. it's not that he's a bad guy; he's just not your guy 1
Calmandfocused Posted April 8, 2021 Posted April 8, 2021 44 minutes ago, Irridescent said: Thank you all for the input, so many eye opening sentences and thoughts, I can't quote all of them. I admit it was not easy to read and I'm crying while writing this but I definitely needed this reality check. He's not even worth a confrontation, I'll let it fade and if/when he turns up I'll politely let him know that I'm busy and don't have time for him until he gets the hint. Bless you. I’m sorry we made you cry. Remember that if your partner’s behaviour causes you to feel anything other than happy (particularly in the beginning), they are not worth pursuing. He causes you to feel sad, confused and unsure. There’s no need to settle for that. When you meet someone whose right for you, you’ll be glad you didn’t waste any more time flogging a dead horse. 6
Lotsgoingon Posted April 8, 2021 Posted April 8, 2021 (edited) Dump this guy. He's not available, he's passive, he takes no initiative. He can't commit. It's not THAT hard to look at your schedule for an open time. I can do that in one minute. And with a lover, I can speed that up to about ten seconds--since time with a great lover is a priority. Dump this guy. This is how he is. This is going nowhere. He sounds overwhelmed with life. Bill Gates was working 18 hours days when he asked Melinda out on a date. Gates said he could meet her in two weeks. Melinda said no, that was too long. Gates cleared his schedule, I think that night (might have been the next night). That's what folks do when they're interested. Five months in, this guy should be in a rhythm with you. He should have a consistent pattern by now. The fact that you are NOT reassured is the red flag. Dump him. This is not going anywhere but to heartache on your part. Think about it: you really believe he's going to change after five months? Really? The only way he'll change is if you summarily dump him. And frankly, he probably wouldn't be able to change then--he'll just fake a change for a few weeks and return back to form. Edited April 8, 2021 by Lotsgoingon 4 1
Alpacalia Posted April 9, 2021 Posted April 9, 2021 4 hours ago, Irridescent said: Thank you all for the input, so many eye opening sentences and thoughts, I can't quote all of them. I admit it was not easy to read and I'm crying while writing this but I definitely needed this reality check. He's not even worth a confrontation, I'll let it fade and if/when he turns up I'll politely let him know that I'm busy and don't have time for him until he gets the hint. It's super painful. I've been in your shoes and the best thing you can do for yourself is walk away. 3 1
Miss Peach Posted April 9, 2021 Posted April 9, 2021 (edited) I ran through something like this with an ex. I just accepted that's how he was going to be, that it wasn't going to be good enough for me, revoked the exclusivity, and moved on. IME when a guy is really interested he'll make sure to get a spot on your calendar. Edited April 9, 2021 by Miss Peach 1 1
smackie9 Posted April 9, 2021 Posted April 9, 2021 (edited) So sorry you are faced with this heartbreak. I don't think he's a bad person, he's just not ready in his life to commit to a true partnership. Bad timing or incompatibility, expectations don't match etc Next time remember first impressions count! I get pooped for saying that, and get the "give him the benefit of a doubt, don't pass judgement so quickly" well look where we are at, he hasn't changed. I'm not saying a guy has to roll out the red carpet and kiss ones feet....but to take the lead like a gentleman, be attentive, and be respectful. It's not too much to ask. OP you deserve way better than what he's willing to give here. Edited April 9, 2021 by smackie9 1
Author Irridescent Posted April 10, 2021 Author Posted April 10, 2021 I wrote down a long angry message expressing how hurt I am and then deleted it. It felt good to evacuate the feelings. He commented on one of my instagram stories yesterday as if nothing was wrong, I really think he had his head so far up his ass that he doesn't even realize how hurt I am. And I don't think he deserves to know he has that power over me so I'm giving him the silent treatment for now. 1
Dis Posted April 10, 2021 Posted April 10, 2021 (edited) The mistake you made was continuing on with him when he showed you from the very beginning who he is and how he rolls If it were me? And a guy tried to leave me hanging? I would've made it easy for him and moved onto someone else who planned a date promptly and wasn't spotty with communication He isn't going to change so don't bank on that. Don't wait for his texts/calls hoping one day he's suddenly step up....he won't. And even if he did... would it be worth it? Just move onto to someone who mirrors your effort and next time you date, don't settle for someone like this. Be selective and if you see things you don't like, things that are actual issues (like this) don't be afraid to break things off rather than get tangled up in a mess that will surely stay a mess Edited April 10, 2021 by Dis 3 1
Recommended Posts