In serious trouble because of my past

[agawam25]

Hi all. I've been dating my SO for almost a year now. Although both of us can be very intense, so far it's been a very rewarding and fulfilling relationship that is on the brink of marriage. However, we have recently hit a serious snag.

 

My SO and I met several months after I ended an LTR with a woman she knew. In between the two, I had a very brief romantic relationship with a woman who broke it off with me because I was not what she was looking for. I never told my SO about that relationship because when we met she was quite vary of me due to rumors of me being a womanizer (let's just say she has had 3x as many partners as me and she's 8 yrs younger), so I felt both ashamed and wanted to protect her, which I admit was stupid and unfair of me.

My SO and I got together by accident - neither of us had hit on each other or ever expressed any interest. We originally hooked up but then developed feelings for each other quite quickly. Within three months, we were already living together, but weren't public about our relationship on social media, etc.

I guess my ex - the one who broke up with me- found out we were together and contacted my SO 20 days ago. She most likely knew I never told my SO from a mutual friend of mine. She told my SO a series of lies, including that I was abusive, exploitative and obsessed over her (none of which is true). My SO blew a fuse because she felt betrayed by me for never telling her, but also believed this woman was being friendly to her, something I think is obviously not true.

We fought for five days until she said she forgave me and wanted us to stay together. During that time she questioned me repeatedly, devalued me, and once things even got physical - she hit me repeatedly. But I forgave all of this because I felt it came from a place of hurt. 
 

Then came the roughest part. We have had several big fights since where she was offensive to me, insulted me repeatedly, tortured me over minor details of this past relationship, told me she was planning on cheating on me in order to get back at me, and tonight we had another fight out of nowhere where she basically accused my father of offending her and claimed she heard horrible things about me from 5-6 of my exes (she might know 3?). I tried to contain the resulting screaming match by trying to calm her down because I was afraid someone might call the cops on us and taking away our phones because she is prone to calling friends when aggravated and crying but this triggered her even further. She started smashing things against the wall, screaming, calling me names, offending me, and hit me again.

 

I left the apartment to stay with a friend. She claims I am a liar and she feels betrayed but I was nothing but a loyal caring partner to her throughout. Her only qualm is about me not telling her about this past relationship - which was even more difficult to do because she told me early on that she doesn't want me to talk about my past relationships, another reason why I never told her about this aforementioned one. Yet she keeps accusing me of being a liar and a manipulator although I have been extremely dedicated and clear about my feelings towards her since day 1.

 

Emotionally, I want her as my life partner. Rationally, I feel like this has been blown out of proportion and that she is the one manipulating me. Tonight's events made me feel awful. I don't know what to do. I have lost a lot of trust because of her violent outbursts but she keeps being violent and hurtful towards me.

 

What can I do to fix this? Or am I crazy to think it can be fixed? Or is it worth fixing at all? She is an incredibly hot, brilliant woman but we have already started talking about marriage and kids and I'm worried that this kind of behavior might resurface down the line when we have kids.

 

Please help. I have no clue as to what to do or what I could do to get over this if she's being true to herself.

[spiderowl]

She might be hot and brilliant but she is also aggressive and violent when she feels mistreated.

You did make a mistake by not telling her about the other relationship, but then again I can see why you did not.

However upset she was about what has happened, none of it justifies her abusing you physically and insulting you.  I think you are right to worry that this kind of behaviour might materialise again if you and she marry and have children.

Please pay attention to your feelings.  You have lost trust in her and she made you feel awful.  Her behaviour was such that you feared someone might call the police.  That sounds pretty violent and disruptive to me.

Basically, however hot she is, if you marry this woman you will regret it.  You can expect more violence and aggression.  Would she restrict any aggression to you or impose it on any children too?  Is that what you want from a marriage?  I suspect her hotness and youth is affecting your critical faculties.

Edited April 8, 2021 by spiderowl

[trident_2020]

She clearly doesn't trust you. You aren't on the brink of marriage you're on the brink of disaster.

 

[BaileyB]

59 minutes ago, agawam25 said:

We have had several big fights since where she was offensive to me, insulted me repeatedly, tortured me over minor details of this past relationship, told me she was planning on cheating on me in order to get back at me. She started smashing things against the wall, screaming, calling me names, offending me, and hit me again.

Emotionally, I want her as my life partner. I don't know what to do.

You break up with the woman, that’s what you do. 

This is emotionally and physically abusive behavior. There is no justification for this kind of behavior. I would not tolerate it for one day more. 

[Gaeta]

Wow!! Be glad you saw her true nature before marrying her !

The way she handled herself, and how she treated you is totally unacceptable. This is a 1 year relationship and you had not seen that side of her yet, that's why marrying after 1 year is too fast. She is completely out of control. I think you should breakup. 

[agawam25]

50 minutes ago, spiderowl said:

She might be hot and brilliant but she is also aggressive and violent when she feels mistreated.

You did make a mistake by not telling her about the other relationship, but then again I can see why you did not.

However upset she was about what has happened, none of it justifies her abusing you physically and insulting you.  I think you are right to worry that this kind of behaviour might materialise again if you and she marry and have children.

Please pay attention to your feelings.  You have lost trust in her and she made you feel awful.  Her behaviour was such that you feared someone might call the police.  That sounds pretty violent and disruptive to me.

Basically, however hot she is, if you marry this woman you will regret it.  You can expect more violence and aggression.  Would she restrict any aggression to you or impose it on any children too?  Is that what you want from a marriage?  I suspect her hotness and youth is affecting your critical faculties.

She is now accusing me of abandoning her because I left the apartment to stay with a friend after her outburst. I told her I left to let us cool off. She is accusing me of acting like a victim. The vicious cycle continues.

[Gaeta]

You know what to do. That woman has no respect for you. 

[glows]

It's all a bit odd and too close for comfort. All your exes somehow know each other or feel comfortable swapping stories about you or contacting each other randomly to specifically tell each other what a bad person you are. They seem very hellbent in making sure you pay for whatever you've done in the past and I'm sorry about that. All it sounds like is a lot of arguments and great stress. 

I'd rethink (hard) whether this is something you want to deal with, the whole thing. How does a person make a good life partner if they are erratic or violent also?

 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, agawam25 said:

She is now accusing me of abandoning her because I left the apartment to stay with a friend after her outburst. I told her I left to let us cool off. She is accusing me of acting like a victim. The vicious cycle continues.

It doesn't have to.

You would be wise to end it with her and stay away from her forever. She is abusive, full-stop. 

[Calmandfocused]

6 hours ago, agawam25 said:

Hi all. I've been dating my SO for almost a year now. Although both of us can be very intense, so far it's been a very rewarding and fulfilling relationship that is on the brink of marriage. However, we have recently hit a serious snag.

 

My SO and I met several months after I ended an LTR with a woman she knew. In between the two, I had a very brief romantic relationship with a woman who broke it off with me because I was not what she was looking for. I never told my SO about that relationship because when we met she was quite vary of me due to rumors of me being a womanizer (let's just say she has had 3x as many partners as me and she's 8 yrs younger), so I felt both ashamed and wanted to protect her, which I admit was stupid and unfair of me.

My SO and I got together by accident - neither of us had hit on each other or ever expressed any interest. We originally hooked up but then developed feelings for each other quite quickly. Within three months, we were already living together, but weren't public about our relationship on social media, etc.

I guess my ex - the one who broke up with me- found out we were together and contacted my SO 20 days ago. She most likely knew I never told my SO from a mutual friend of mine. She told my SO a series of lies, including that I was abusive, exploitative and obsessed over her (none of which is true). My SO blew a fuse because she felt betrayed by me for never telling her, but also believed this woman was being friendly to her, something I think is obviously not true.

We fought for five days until she said she forgave me and wanted us to stay together. During that time she questioned me repeatedly, devalued me, and once things even got physical - she hit me repeatedly. But I forgave all of this because I felt it came from a place of hurt. 
 

Then came the roughest part. We have had several big fights since where she was offensive to me, insulted me repeatedly, tortured me over minor details of this past relationship, told me she was planning on cheating on me in order to get back at me, and tonight we had another fight out of nowhere where she basically accused my father of offending her and claimed she heard horrible things about me from 5-6 of my exes (she might know 3?). I tried to contain the resulting screaming match by trying to calm her down because I was afraid someone might call the cops on us and taking away our phones because she is prone to calling friends when aggravated and crying but this triggered her even further. She started smashing things against the wall, screaming, calling me names, offending me, and hit me again.

 

I left the apartment to stay with a friend. She claims I am a liar and she feels betrayed but I was nothing but a loyal caring partner to her throughout. Her only qualm is about me not telling her about this past relationship - which was even more difficult to do because she told me early on that she doesn't want me to talk about my past relationships, another reason why I never told her about this aforementioned one. Yet she keeps accusing me of being a liar and a manipulator although I have been extremely dedicated and clear about my feelings towards her since day 1.

 

Emotionally, I want her as my life partner. Rationally, I feel like this has been blown out of proportion and that she is the one manipulating me. Tonight's events made me feel awful. I don't know what to do. I have lost a lot of trust because of her violent outbursts but she keeps being violent and hurtful towards me.

 

What can I do to fix this? Or am I crazy to think it can be fixed? Or is it worth fixing at all? She is an incredibly hot, brilliant woman but we have already started talking about marriage and kids and I'm worried that this kind of behavior might resurface down the line when we have kids.

 

Please help. I have no clue as to what to do or what I could do to get over this if she's being true to herself.

You want a life partner who hits you repeatedly and smashes objects against the wall??? Really???

I’m very concerned that you’re not aware  how serious this sort of behaviour actually is. 
 

Irrespective of what you have/ have not done in your past, this behaviour is completely unacceptable! You need to acknowledge this and take your focus away from trying to make everything “ok”. 
 

Personally I think you should be thanking your lucky stars this incident happened. It’s shown you how violent she actually is. 
 

So you want to marry a woman like this do you? Picture two children crying and extremely distressed because their mother is out of control and hitting their father. 
 

Does that image wake you up at all? 
 

 

[Caauug]

15 hours ago, agawam25 said:

told me she was planning on cheating on me in order to get back at me,

Was this a confession??? Are you sure she didn't cheat on you and now she is try to blame you for it??? 

IMO she is displaying a lot of anger over a R that happened before she was even with you..... Her actions are telling you something big has happened in her life, she will hint what that might be.... Her words may not outright tell you what that big thing/event is.... 

Her cheating on you will never solve anything, she knows this. She is trying to sabotage the R, blaming it on you is easier than taking responsibility for her own actions....

She doesn't want to be with you anymore. You will be blamed for the demise of the R, it doesn't matter what the truth is. Just get out now!!!!

15 hours ago, agawam25 said:

I have lost a lot of trust because of her violent outbursts but she keeps being violent and hurtful towards me.

She's not letting up.... What will she do next??? Maybe false accusations of abuse? A call to the cops to have you arrested and charged? After all she has shown you with her actions why would you trust her NOT to do this? 

End it now before it really gets ugly....

Edited April 8, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Pejorative / Demeaning Statement Removed

[lana-banana]

You're in serious trouble because she's an abuser, not because of your past. Adults in a healthy emotional state don't get into screaming matches, break things, or hurt people. There is absolutely no justification (short of self-defense) for hitting someone. What your ex did was vile, but what your SO did is worse. Do not attemot any further reconciliation with your SO; you need a clean break as soon as you can safely do so.

Please start working with a professional immediately because I worry you aren't fully seeing how her abuse affects you. You need to reflect why you're in a situation where you accept and tolerate physical violence, and consider how you can protect yourself going forward.

[introverted1]

11 hours ago, agawam25 said:

I guess my ex - the one who broke up with me- found out we were together and contacted my SO 20 days ago. She most likely knew I never told my SO from a mutual friend of mine. She told my SO a series of lies, including that I was abusive, exploitative and obsessed over her (none of which is true).

So your ex made up a story about you being abusive and exploitative (why would she do that?), and your SO, upon hearing this, became abusive and exploitative herself? 

Hmmmm.

[d0nnivain]

Let me get this straight.  You have been with your SO for almost a year. You rushed into things & moved in around the 90 day mark but you did know each other previously.  

Now some random person calls your SO & your SO believes this stranger rather than what she knows is the truth about you based on her experience.  Based on the say so of this stranger, she blows up at you, insults you & tells you she will cheat.  

Good heavens.  She's a nightmare.  You don't fix this.  You break up with this rotten person who takes the word of a stranger.  She has no trust in you.  She has no problem solving skills.  She's mean & abusive.  Run. . .away.  

[BaileyB]

11 hours ago, agawam25 said:

She is now accusing me of abandoning her because I left the apartment to stay with a friend after her outburst. I told her I left to let us cool off. She is accusing me of acting like a victim. The vicious cycle continues.

Only because you allow it. This stops when you say that it stops, and you leave the woman. 

[SumGuy]

12 hours ago, agawam25 said:

She is now accusing me of abandoning her because I left the apartment to stay with a friend after her outburst. I told her I left to let us cool off. She is accusing me of acting like a victim. The vicious cycle continues.

Well you are a victim of her behavior, if a man had done that and thrown and broken things that is assault (assault doesn't require her to touch you, but if an object she threw did that is battery); alas when the police show up who are they going to believe.   That she believes her behavior is perfectly acceptable when she feels betrayed, is not good.  You didn't actually betray her by no going into detail about a prior relationship that has ended...I mean really has she given you a complete background and chronology of her dating life?  This is retroactive jealousy of a violent nature. 

She sounds like she is the type of person who will destroy your personal belongings, if there is a time she is out I'd go an get my most valuable things, preferably with a witness or two along.

[mark clemson]

15 hours ago, agawam25 said:

We fought for five days until she said she forgave me and wanted us to stay together. During that time she questioned me repeatedly, devalued me, and once things even got physical - she hit me repeatedly. But I forgave all of this because I felt it came from a place of hurt. 

Then came the roughest part. We have had several big fights since where she was offensive to me, insulted me repeatedly, tortured me over minor details of this past relationship, told me she was planning on cheating on me in order to get back at me, and tonight we had another fight out of nowhere where she basically accused my father of offending her and claimed she heard horrible things about me from 5-6 of my exes (she might know 3?). I tried to contain the resulting screaming match by trying to calm her down because I was afraid someone might call the cops on us and taking away our phones because she is prone to calling friends when aggravated and crying but this triggered her even further. She started smashing things against the wall, screaming, calling me names, offending me, and hit me again.

You're NOT in trouble because of your past. You're in trouble because of YOUR FUTURE.

I get being attracted to "complicated" women, but this is NOT a person you want to marry. Absolutely NOT. Echoing those above, my advice would be to see her for what she is and call it off. Way beyond "drama queen" and well into abuser territory.

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, agawam25 said:

found out we were together and contacted my SO 20 days ago. 

How did she get her contact info? Stay away from all of these women. 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

15 hours ago, agawam25 said:

She most likely knew I never told my SO from a mutual friend of mine.

How would this mutual friend know that you didn't tell your SO?

[deepthinking]

 

People when upping their game know exactly what they are doing, so because you did not tell her about some brief fling, she now decides to go crazy.

I see you as a tactful man whose previous lover was dull and forgettable.  Get out of this mayhem. 

 

Edited April 8, 2021 by deepthinking

[NuevoYorko]

She's abusive.  Get away from her.

Once you've taken care of that,  you might want to do a purge within your friend circle and look at your behavior within it.  From what you've shared here, it's pretty toxic all the way around.

 

 

[ShyViolet]

You need to break up with this mentally unstable woman immediately.  She is not a catch.  She is toxic.  It would be completely irresponsible to marry her and have kids with her.  Put that thought out of your mind.  Get out of this bad situation.

[Backinthesaddleagain]

I am surprised of the responses here. If the OP was a woman and the tables were turned, you guys heads would be exploding right now with talk of police reports, etc.. See bolded below:

19 hours ago, agawam25 said:

....devalued me, and once things even got physical - she hit me repeatedly....

There is no person in existence that is hot enough or smart enough to accept physical abuse from. Her behavior isn't about loving you. It's about her rage, jealousy, and internal issues. She is likely very attractive and is used to throwing tantrums without consequences since she was a little girl. Who you had relationships with prior to her are none of her business. And now she is going to cheat on you to get revenge? Dude, I don't care how much you love this childish woman, you need to move on. Immediately. When you have a relationship that is this violent and toxic, there is no going back. Let her go so she can fulfill her prophecy of living alone with a bunch of cats until death. 

Of course, we are only hearing a small snippet of the story, and only told from one side. Maybe you also have issues you need to work through? The thing I read that was concerning was that you had an LTR that ended, and you met your SO a few months later. However, you also had a minor tryst in between that time as well. Sounds like a lot of movement in such a short period. Maybe spend some time working on your mind after dumping this garbage off at the landfill before trying again.  

Good luck sir 

[Woggle]

She is an abuser plain and simple. If you marry her she will get even worse.

[Allupinnit]

Well one thing is true here - YOU are the common denominator amongst all (at least 3?!) of these "crazy" women.  I'm wondering if your gf's outburst wasn't a culmination of other incidents all coming to a head and your ex calling her was the lit match to the fuse (was there alcohol involved?).

I'm not saying how she reacted is in ANY way excusable (you need to stay away from her!) but it seems you have a way of driving women batty and I can't help but think you're just reaping what it sounds you've sown among them for a good long while now.  Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and for whatever reason women just love ganging up on a man who did them wrong.  

Perfectly decent guys don't just called "womanizer" and "abusive" out of nowhere.  Again, not saying that you deserve to be hit, but I don't think you're an innocent victim in all of this drama.  Your relationship is toxic, stay away (a pattern for you).  And please, stay single for a good long while until you can be nice to women.

Edited April 8, 2021 by Allupinnit