d0nnivain Posted April 8, 2021 Posted April 8, 2021 I think you recognize that this relationship is over. As sad as that is, hopefully a weight lifts from your shoulders. Before you leave the house, ask her if you can have until ________ [pick a date that works for you -- end of April? mid May?] to find a new place & move all your stuff out. Get that ironed out before you walk out the door; then move heaven & earth to secure a new place & be fully out early. As much as you feel bad for hurting her, you could not continue letting her live in the delusion that you were eventually going to change your mind about marriage. You certainly couldn't marry her just to avoid hurting her feelings. Right now it's all raw & awful but in the long run it's the right thing to do. 1
Sun Seeker Posted April 8, 2021 Posted April 8, 2021 (edited) From reading your previous threads it's pretty clear you have not been committed to her for a very long time, and that's the reason you don't want to marry her, not because you don't want to get married in general to anyone. You have a lot of issues to sort out. [redacted] Edited April 8, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator civility
Wiseman2 Posted April 8, 2021 Posted April 8, 2021 14 hours ago, H245 said: that I still see a future with her, but she does not see it that way and I understand. Since the conversation, she went to the bedroom crying and then ended up leaving the house to see her friend (understandable). It's good you had this talk and leveled with a definitive answer. Whose place is it? Who'll move out, who'll stay? Stay making preparations to sever things.
primer Posted April 8, 2021 Posted April 8, 2021 (edited) I never wanted to marry either. I felt I was just as committed to the person and didn't need the piece of paper saying it was legal. A marriage certificate doesn't stop someone from being unfaithful. [redacted] I am glad you stuck to your guns - - - and I am a woman. Edited April 8, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator potential misinformation 3
smackie9 Posted April 8, 2021 Posted April 8, 2021 Now I can it if you said absolutely no marriage right at the beginning...but how long did you wait until you actually had a firm conversation that it will never happen?
notbroken Posted April 8, 2021 Posted April 8, 2021 You don't want to get married - and therefore shouldn't. Absolutely shouldn't. I am sorry for the pain you and your girlfriend have though. Tough situation. Not sure why many think you should stay there for a while. Get out ASAP. Go stay with friends and then come back and get your stuff. Your relationship is over unfortunately. I doubt it can recover from this. She wants to be married. You don't. Fundamental incompatibility. I personally think marriage is for having families/kids. It is very dangerous financially later in life and many may be better off not doing it. Stick to your principals. You would regret it if you let her pressure you into getting married. 1
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted April 8, 2021 Posted April 8, 2021 15 hours ago, H245 said: She wishes I told her that a long time ago since we have been together for 6 years now. I absolutely understand why she is hurt. You strung her along for 6 years. That being said, part of the blame is on her for sticking around for 6 years with no wedding. If I were her, I wouldn't be able to trust that you have my best interest at heart, just your own. She would be correct to end the relationship.
Author H245 Posted April 8, 2021 Author Posted April 8, 2021 (edited) Lots of different opinions here. So to clear things up, a bit, it's not that I don't love her or don't want to spend my life with her because I do. The last few months since my last post have been some of the greatest months of my life with her (pandemic aside) and I've grown even fonder of her. I just don't want to get married ever. I used to when I was younger, but as I have gotten older, the more I realize I don't care for the institution of marriage. She doesn't want kids and I respected that decision and I was hoping the reverse would be true on my stance about marriage, but it is not and I need to accept that. To put another thing in perspective, she brought up marriage less than a year into the relationship and I told her I wasn't sure if was ready for that and wanted to take things slow due to being in a rough patch in my life at that time. Since then. we have talked about marriage multiple times every year for the past 6 years and while I did "kick the can" further, I never stopped thinking about it and also told her we needed to work things out between us (communication issues) before I even considered marriage. Since then, our last couples session was 6 months ago and we have been trying to apply everything we have learned. While there are things still to work on, our relationship has grown since we last discussed marriage 3 months ago. As of right now, we talked about it a bit this morning and I an un-kicked out and will talk about it more later tonight. The idea of maybe having a prenup/2 year engagement was thrown around and will be discussed further between us (it was brought up as a way to see if I'd be more comfortable with marriage). I also see a therapist bi-weekly that I will continue to discuss these things with. [redacted] Thanks yo everyone that has provided constructive criticism. I understand I take full blame for waiting this long to tell her that I didn't want to get married, but please understand that it wasn't something I came to know overnight. Edited April 8, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator response to removed content
trident_2020 Posted April 8, 2021 Posted April 8, 2021 (edited) 6 hours ago, H245 said: The idea of maybe having a prenup/2 year engagement was thrown around and will be discussed further between us (it was brought up as a way to see if I'd be more comfortable with marriage). I also see a therapist bi-weekly that I will continue to discuss these things with. Don't do it man. You'll just be crawling deeper down the rabbit hole. Stand your ground. [redacted] Edited April 8, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator response to removed content 2
d0nnivain Posted April 8, 2021 Posted April 8, 2021 I'm glad you are still talking. But I don't think a long engagement or a pre-nup will magically make you want to be married. I remember talking to you about both of those options months ago when you posted before. 2
central Posted April 8, 2021 Posted April 8, 2021 We did not plan to get married, ever, but did after nearly 8 years to get her critically needed health insurance. So, it was a purely pragmatic choice (that also has other practical benefits) to marry, since we were already as committed as marriage would imply. We even agreed to divorce if that became a pragmatic choice (e.g., tax reduction and other governmental benefits), but stay together. We haven't divorced, though, since there's been no benefit to doing so.
Happy Lemming Posted April 8, 2021 Posted April 8, 2021 7 minutes ago, H245 said: I an un-kicked out... Until she changes her mind again... You don't play with someone's housing. You don't use it as a bargaining chip. You still need to leave... go find a (month to month) apartment or room, TODAY!!
Author H245 Posted April 8, 2021 Author Posted April 8, 2021 3 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: I'm glad you are still talking. But I don't think a long engagement or a pre-nup will magically make you want to be married. I remember talking to you about both of those options months ago when you posted before. I agree with you, but I want to at least have that dialogue between us since are a bit more level headed today. Last night emotions were high and raw. She has been patient with me for so long, that I should respect the idea of discussing this idea further.
Author H245 Posted April 8, 2021 Author Posted April 8, 2021 3 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: Until she changes her mind again... You don't play with someone's housing. You don't use it as a bargaining chip. You still need to leave... go find a (month to month) apartment or room, TODAY!! That was not the case at all. Her emotions were high last night and neither one of us was thinking straight after the conversation.
Happy Lemming Posted April 8, 2021 Posted April 8, 2021 14 minutes ago, trident_2020 said: Yes he needs to leave but doing it in one day might be a bit of a challenge. He needs to try and not let her dictate his on again, off again housing. He needs shelter that he can control, not her. And I agree it might be a challenge, maybe an extended stay motel/hotel and put his stuff in storage until he can secure an apartment (month to month) he likes. 1
FMW Posted April 8, 2021 Posted April 8, 2021 (edited) After 6 years I really don't see you working your way into being ok with marriage by having a long engagement. I'm a woman and I don't find not wanting to get married something that should be seen as unusual or in need of explanation. Don't feel guilty or let yourself be pressured into thinking there is something wrong with you for feeling that way. Loving someone and wanting to spend your life with them does not automatically equal marriage. Your girlfriend wants to be married. She doesn't need to explain why she feels that way either. But you both need to realize you are not compatible. Stop dragging this out and prolonging the unhappiness and frustration. Free yourselves to find others who share the same desires and goals in that aspect. Edited April 8, 2021 by FMW
Gaeta Posted April 8, 2021 Posted April 8, 2021 (edited) About you go together to your therapy session? It would help to know what is important for her in a marriage, is it the financial security, social status, she views it as the ultimate commitment ? Once you know what she needs through a marriage you may be able to settle that with a notary in a partnership agreement instead of a marriage. I don't need a marriage but lf l'm planning to officially live with someone long term then we would need to set up life insurance on each other, and a good Will. I told often my ex-husband story here. He was not married when he died and had no will. His life partner of 12 years, mother of his child, was basically kicked out of their house, had right to the disposition of his body, funeral. Thankfully he had taken a life insurance on himself to her name. Otherwise she was in the street. Edited April 8, 2021 by Gaeta
ShyViolet Posted April 8, 2021 Posted April 8, 2021 1 hour ago, H245 said: As of right now, we talked about it a bit this morning and I an un-kicked out and will talk about it more later tonight. The idea of maybe having a prenup/2 year engagement was thrown around and will be discussed further between us (it was brought up as a way to see if I'd be more comfortable with marriage). You need to stop this insanity. It's clear that you don't want to get married. So then DON'T. Stop wasting this woman's time. Just accept the fact that you don't want this. I do remember your last thread. You didn't sound excited about this relationship at all. Stop wasting this woman's time and just let the truth come out. You both want different things. If you let this go on any longer, you are just hurting her. 2 1
Wiseman2 Posted April 8, 2021 Posted April 8, 2021 19 minutes ago, FMW said: Free yourselves to find others who share the same desires and goals in that aspect. Agree. Don't try to coast along even more or drag this out any further. Do not do therapy. Just be practical. Start severing assets and finances and all the other issues that come with living together. Try to make it amicable. Keep in mind, she's angry that she feels strung along for 6 years, so hold on to your hat and get your ducks in a row.
trident_2020 Posted April 8, 2021 Posted April 8, 2021 1 hour ago, Happy Lemming said: He needs to try and not let her dictate his on again, off again housing. Yes if she's constantly threatening to boot him out. If this was a one time thing due to her loss of temper then him getting alternative housing might be an over reaction.
BaileyB Posted April 8, 2021 Posted April 8, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, H245 said: As of right now, we talked about it a bit this morning and I an un-kicked out and will talk about it more later tonight. The idea of maybe having a prenup/2 year engagement was thrown around and will be discussed further between us (it was brought up as a way to see if I'd be more comfortable with marriage). I also see a therapist bi-weekly that I will continue to discuss these things with. I understand why you would want to agree to this, but being ambiguous in your communication and giving her false hope that you will change your mind is cruel. There is no compromise here, no two year engagement with the possibility that after two years you may feel differently... you may also just waste two more years of her life. Why do I say this is cruel? Because, in the same post you sat this. Quote I just don't want to get married ever. Edited April 8, 2021 by BaileyB 2 1
Alpacalia Posted April 8, 2021 Posted April 8, 2021 Not everyone (male or female) has a desire to get married. My female friend has been engaged for 12 years but she has no desire to get married and they're still together. However, if marriage is extremely important to her but not to you, someone must compromise, but I'm not sure how it can be done without resentment (if there isn't resentment already).
BaileyB Posted April 8, 2021 Posted April 8, 2021 (edited) ^^^ my previous post- IMHO, this is a big part of the reason why you are six years in and you find yourselves in this situation. You love her and you would like to please her, so while you have given many hints along the way that you don’t really want to be married... you have also waffled and been ambiguous... You’ve not always said what you mean and meant what you’ve said. In so doing, you have given her the impression that you will someday come around... and that is false hope. And she, has not really heard or accepted what you have said. She is STILL trying to negotiate with you, with the hope that you will change your mind. If you are firm in your decision, and you sound like you are decided now, you are not doing her any favours if you offer to go to counselling, get a pre up, or have a two year engagement. If you think this hurts now, just wait two more years... Edited April 8, 2021 by BaileyB 1
d0nnivain Posted April 8, 2021 Posted April 8, 2021 2 hours ago, H245 said: She has been patient with me for so long, that I should respect the idea of discussing this idea further. Because of that you owe her honesty. Get your ducks in a row to move out. Make it clear to her that time & a legal document will not change your mind about marriage. Point blank tell her you are committed to her but this is as good as it gets. If she still wants marriage leave her alone. 2
Wiseman2 Posted April 8, 2021 Posted April 8, 2021 58 minutes ago, Alpaca said: Not everyone (male or female) has a desire to get married. My female friend has been engaged for 12 years but she has no desire to get married and they're still together. Agree. She should have ended it much sooner if her end-goal was marriage and you were always lukewarm about it. 1
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