Partner assuming I know about his feelings

[apokatastasis]

Hi everyone, english isn't my native language so please don't mind the mistakes ! 

I'll try to make it short, i've met this guy after talking to him for 5 months first, instantly fell in love, and since then we've been seeing each other a little more than 10 times now (on weekends cause he's in the military), while regularly chatting over the phone. One should know that he has a very strong personality, talks harsh, doesnt like to talk about feelings at all, etc. He told me the first time we saw each other that he wasn't looking for a "couple" type or relationship except if he met someone exactly like him, but it wouldnt keep him from having a favorite person and invest in some hybrid relationship, while still keeping his freedom to see other girls and allowing his partner to do so as well. I obviously wanted to be exclusive with him from the start and i still do but i try to come to reason. We went through ups and downs, he lacks of communication skills and last year we went through an intense verbal fight where i wanted to know if he changed his mind about the relationship, which made him wildly defensive and it ended up in shouting, whatever, that's just to show how unstable and unpredicitible it can be.
It got better, he thought i would be dating another guy i was seeing so when i asked if he had slept with other girls in the meantime he said yes, that's the agreement we have, we inform each other if we do such a thing. Said he did that because he thought i would be in a couple and we wouldnt see each other for a while. Whatever, i decided to date him again, and i said i was ok with the fact he would never want an exclusive relationship with anyone, though i expressed before that i wasn't at ease with these conditions because of my feelings. We basically went through a few phases of seeing/not seeing because of the times i felt i couldnt take the uncertainty anymore, deep down i knew it was mostly because i'm not sure about how he feels about me. Said he really liked me right from the beginning, then from 2021 started saying things like "Love ya" in conversations, and the last two times we saw each other, in 2021, we got closer and more affectionate, he shows a lot more love than i do, though he keeps this tough image of his. Overall it felt super nice, we're like all-time children and get along on almost everything, talk about fun activities we could do in the future, he regularly asks me for art projects cause i'm an illustrator....

But a few days ago my sister saw him in an instagram story of a girl he talks to since the beginning of the year, and i very badly reacted, in a way that's what i signed for cause he has the right to see someone else, but that was right a week after i spent the weekend with him, i asked for explanations and why he didnt tell me right away he'd slept with someone else (confronted him the day after) and he explained himself, reassured me he would have done it later and that he felt it was a little intrusive for me to ask this early but that he understood at the same time. Then i started to put everything back into perspective again, should i keep seeing him, cause i might be interested in another guy from my group of friend and would like to see where it goes, maybe start a serious relationship cause i've never been in one. I was like, look, it was starting to be really enjoyable with you but i get back to reality and i don't know if i should continue, he said i might have been lying to myself when saying i accepted the fact that he doesnt want to be exclusive, etc. Then i gather up my courage and finally ask him if he has feelings for me after 2 years, that i like his honesty and need to have an answer for my future choices. He leaves me on read for the night and answers this morning "You already know my feelings..." and honestly i'm lost, i want my answer, at least knowing if he has romantic feelings or if it's just this "i-like-you-more-than-just-friends" not so-intense stuff. I just don't know how to make him answer properly without making him curl back into a cave or be angry and uncomfortable. It's going to be decisive, so i hope i'll get some help! I htought of simply telling him that i cannot guess such a thing or be sure about it, plus he already assumed that i "knew" things in the past, i think it's weird behaviour.

Sorry for the very long text, and thanks for reading me guys x

[Wiseman2]

He seems abusive and uninterested in a relationship.

Cut your losses. End it. It's just 10 dates. He's not your partner. 

Date local men who want what you want.

Edited April 6, 2021 by Wiseman2

[d0nnivain]

You really have sold yourself short here.  When any man tells you they don't want exclusive, don't want to be part of a couple & are actively having sex with other people, you have to recognize that you are nothing more than a F*buddy, a friends with benefits.  You may be the favorite FWB but you are not the GF & never will be.  In his eyes, you have to respect for yourself so he is not obligated to have respect for you.  You hung around now for 2 years like a doormat. 

When men say stuff like that you have to next them immediately.  Giving in to what they want, NSA sex, doesn't make them love you over time.  It makes them think less of you for not demanding exclusivity.  They think you were DTF & will have sex with any man that asks.  

He has enough sense to not outright say that to you because he knows the easy sex with you will stop, which he doesn't want.  But "you know how I feel" means that he's told you repeatedly that he doesn't want a relationship with you.  

Your only move here is to dump him.  I'd say something like

"No, I don't know how you feel because you have never voiced that in words.  You are supposed to be a military man -- brave & true.  So man up & tall me.  Since you can't or won't, I'm going to assume what you said in the beginning was true that you never wanted a relationship & I have been a fool to let you use me for sex all this time.  Well now I'm done & since I'm a grown up who can communicate:  Good Bye. Don't ever call me again. I'm tired to being made a fool but I'm going to get an STD test & God help you if you gave me a disease." 

Then I'd walk away. 

[apokatastasis]

Thanks for the answers! I'd like get back on few things though, I know it's easy to say things when it's only summarized in a short text, but i'll explain myself.
I expressed in the very beginning that i didn't want to be a f*buddy and he immedialty expressed that he wasnt looking for that either, because of bad past experiences. Thing is, we've agreed on the need for honesty, and we've been exclusive at least for a whole year, he was my first experience ever and i only dated another guy a few times during these 2 years, he knew about it and wasnt really happy but he knows he has to be ok with it. 

He didn't say "how i feel" concerning the relationship, he knows i basically asked him if he had romantic feelings for him and he answered "you know about my feelings", so you're both right, it's my goal to progressively end it, at least stop seeing  him intimately but i'm completely ok with keeping him as a friend since we had that healthy harmony since the beginning. 

Also, what keeps me going is the intensity of it all everytime i see him, the fact that I saw his efforts and the fact we were becoming very close, even similar to a couple's attitude. 

I definitely know i won't keep going like that for long, but it's the hardest thing i've ever thought of doing, to stop seeing him intimately. I'll write down that I need a clear answer but he knows that i'm arriving at my limits. I just don't want to spoil the bond we started to build. 

Thank you both again ! I'll know what's it's all about today or tomorrow. 

[d0nnivain]

Once you have slept with somebody you can't keep them as a friend initially.  Somebody always wants more.  It's too easy to slide back.  Plus hanging on to the past keeps you from moving forward.  When you meet a new person that new person will not tolerate an old lover hanging around. 

I really don't understand your statement that you "don't want to spoil the bond we started to build."  I don't see a bond in what you described.  I see a guy using you & you letting him.  

[apokatastasis]

You're right, if I get closer to someone soon, i'm going to have to be transparent but obviously I won't actively look out for him, maybe at best grab a beer sometime  if I feel more at peace with my feelings and that i'm not thinking about him anymore. If the future partner still doesn't want, i'd understand, but we'd have a talk to ease things.

I know it's a dangerous road, i probably won't go down there, but it would feel like i'm closing in on a very good friend. I understand why you don't see a bond in what I described because I passed on all the positive aspects and the things we both share, it's just complicated to be sure about what he feels. I never felt "used" though I allow him and myself freedom, it always felt like it was overall getting better even though part of me knew he wouldn't change his mind. Hope it's clearer, and thanks again 

[ShyViolet]

You are wasting your time hoping things will change.  He has been very clear with you that he doesn't want to be exclusive with you and he doesn't like to express feelings.  It's you who pretends to be ok with that, but deep down you know that you are not ok with it.  He's told you exactly what he can offer you, and what he can't.  You are just not accepting that, and you're holding out hope for something that is not going to happen.  Stop wasting your time with this guy.

[apokatastasis]

Thanks for your reply ! I know all that, and that very soon i'll have to part ways, at least physically. 

I'm just going to need a little space to prepare that, and then try a stable kind of relationship, that hopefully will fulfill my needs tho i'm not sure what they would be exactly with another person. 

[Gaeta]

10 hours ago, apokatastasis said:

"You already know my feelings..."

That means he doesn't have feelings for you. 

It was very difficult to read your story, it just crushed my heart that a woman would accept from the start that a man walks all over her at his will. 

Please get out of this. This man isn't worth the dust under your shoes. Expect a man to respect & love you the way you are ready to respect & love him. 

[glows]

I'd quit this guy cold turkey. He doesn't deserve a fraction of your time, breath and is a complete waste of space in your life. You mentioned you haven't been in a serious relationship before so I can understand your hesitancy or unsureness. We're here to let you know that this person just isn't what you're looking for in anything worth your time. You've been making too many excuses for him and backtracking on your boundaries when it comes to dating casually. There really is such a thing as dating exclusively and remaining monogamous with someone very special.  

Take your time getting to know someone and don't jump to sex too quickly. If you want to get to know the other guy in your friends' circle, then get to know him but check yourself trying to fill a void just because this other guy is no good. 

[snowboy91]

If, as you describe, he is someone who doesn't like talking about feelings, then you're not going to get a clear answer from him as to how he is feeling. Unfortunately there are a lot of people out there that assume that their partner knows exactly what they are feeling.

Open relationships can be complex - I'm getting the sense that you've accepted that a relationship with this guy wouldn't be exclusive. I'll initially assume that you are comfortable with this (I'm not getting the sense that you are... but also am not getting the sense you aren't so I'm just going in with an assumption).

There's a decent chance that some of the responses you'll get here will assume that open relationships inherently don't work. My belief is that they can work, but boundaries and communication are absolutely paramount. If this guy can't communicate, then you're going to have an incredibly rough time trying to maintain this relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

He's told you in many different ways that he doesn't want to date you. 

I am confused as to why you even refer to him as your "partner", since this does not sound like a relatonship at all. It sounds like you holding out for a guy who just does not feel the same way about you. 

It's tim to extricate yourself from this. Being friends is unrealistic, because it will crush you when he someday does start dating someone who is not you. Don't hang around and wait for that day to come. Love yourself more and leave this guy in your dust. 

[BaileyB]

On 4/6/2021 at 6:02 AM, apokatastasis said:

He told me the first time we saw each other that he wasn't looking for a "couple" type or relationship.

I obviously wanted to be exclusive with him from the start.

last year we went through an intense verbal fight where i wanted to know if he changed his mind about the relationship, which made him wildly defensive and it ended up in shouting, whatever, that's just to show how unstable and unpredicitible it can be.

This is just your first paragraph. 
You don’t want the same things. This isn’t going to be what you want it to be. It’s time to end it. 

[apokatastasis]

10 hours ago, snowboy91 said:

If, as you describe, he is someone who doesn't like talking about feelings, then you're not going to get a clear answer from him as to how he is feeling. Unfortunately there are a lot of people out there that assume that their partner knows exactly what they are feeling.

Open relationships can be complex - I'm getting the sense that you've accepted that a relationship with this guy wouldn't be exclusive. I'll initially assume that you are comfortable with this (I'm not getting the sense that you are... but also am not getting the sense you aren't so I'm just going in with an assumption).

There's a decent chance that some of the responses you'll get here will assume that open relationships inherently don't work. My belief is that they can work, but boundaries and communication are absolutely paramount. If this guy can't communicate, then you're going to have an incredibly rough time trying to maintain this relationship.

You're right, i'm both comfortable and not comfortable with such a concept, cause people (and even myself) forget that I also used that freedom and was casually dating another guy for a few months, while still seeing the first one. I didn't feel any guilt while doing this, and I remember today that everytime i saw that second guy, i didn't tell it to the first one. I just told him once, quite a while after the first time i did the thing, he didn't seem to happy about it and told me he didn't want to hear the details. So if I was completely uncomfortable with the idea, I wouldn't be there anymore, and I enjoy the fact that I can also be free of seeing whoever I want. I realized that i was able to see someone else while having feelings for the first guy, so why wouldn't it be the case for him too? I do agree, communication needs a lot of work here, and it's the main problem. If he was more verbally open, though i've seen some efforts lately, it would go a lot smoother and i'd be reassured about a lot of things. I do no feel like i'm wasting time at all here, cause I know that as soon as I have the occasion, i'll engage in something exclusive with a guy I like, which i'm intending to do (if it works out) with a guy I already know. 

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I am confused as to why you even refer to him as your "partner", since this does not sound like a relatonship at all. It sounds like you holding out for a guy who just does not feel the same way about you. 

It's just an error from me, in French and my language we use the close word "partenaire" which basically means anyone you have a relationship with, whatever the type. Here I used it as in "the person i'm casually dating". Sorry for the confusion

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It's tim to extricate yourself from this. Being friends is unrealistic, because it will crush you when he someday does start dating someone who is not you. Don't hang around and wait for that day to come. Love yourself more and leave this guy in your dust. 

He wants to go to war and do crazy stuff, and is serious about it, hence the non-compatibility with a closed relationship. I know he's not lying when he says that he won't find a perfect-fitting partner that's valuable enough for him to leave all his life goals behind. Giving all these risks, and my goal of finding someone else, I still want to enjoy the few moments i spend with him, knowing that he cares, maybe not as much as I do, but he does, and shows it in different ways. 

Edited April 7, 2021 by apokatastasis

[apokatastasis]

5 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

This is just your first paragraph. 
You don’t want the same things. This isn’t going to be what you want it to be. It’s time to end it. 

Yup, I should have said "at first" because with time, even though there are automatic physical reactions to frustration sometimes, I used my reason to convince myself that being his partner wouldn't work out anyways because of his jobs, so part of me acknowledged that, and the other still feels a little frustrated but it's manageable. 

[Sun Seeker]

You are wasting your time with him. Your desperation to cling on to this 'relationship' is sad to read.

End things and find someone better, surely you know you deserve better right?

[BaileyB]

9 minutes ago, apokatastasis said:

the other still feels a little frustrated but it's manageable.

This feeling is there for a reason. Don’t minimize and ignore it. 
You are settling for someone and something that is not giving you what you want. You say that you are doing this, while you wait for someone better to come along. This, to me, is a colossal waste of time. But, I can understand that some people do this when they don’t want to be alone. “Something” is better than “nothing.” 
My only advice is - don’t spend too much time with someone waiting for him to change his mind. He’s been pretty clear with what he wants/expects. You need to hear what he’s saying and accept it. Good luck. 

Edited April 7, 2021 by BaileyB

[glows]

1 hour ago, apokatastasis said:

You're right, i'm both comfortable and not comfortable with such a concept, cause people (and even myself) forget that I also used that freedom and was casually dating another guy for a few months, while still seeing the first one. I didn't feel any guilt while doing this, and I remember today that everytime i saw that second guy, i didn't tell it to the first one. I just told him once, quite a while after the first time i did the thing, he didn't seem to happy about it and told me he didn't want to hear the details. So if I was completely uncomfortable with the idea, I wouldn't be there anymore, and I enjoy the fact that I can also be free of seeing whoever I want. I realized that i was able to see someone else while having feelings for the first guy, so why wouldn't it be the case for him too? I do agree, communication needs a lot of work here, and it's the main problem. If he was more verbally open, though i've seen some efforts lately, it would go a lot smoother and i'd be reassured about a lot of things. I do no feel like i'm wasting time at all here, cause I know that as soon as I have the occasion, i'll engage in something exclusive with a guy I like, which i'm intending to do (if it works out) with a guy I already know. 

It's just an error from me, in French and my language we use the close word "partenaire" which basically means anyone you have a relationship with, whatever the type. Here I used it as in "the person i'm casually dating". Sorry for the confusion

He wants to go to war and do crazy stuff, and is serious about it, hence the non-compatibility with a closed relationship. I know he's not lying when he says that he won't find a perfect-fitting partner that's valuable enough for him to leave all his life goals behind. Giving all these risks, and my goal of finding someone else, I still want to enjoy the few moments i spend with him, knowing that he cares, maybe not as much as I do, but he does, and shows it in different ways. 

This later post ^ is VERY different from what you posted in thread starter below. Maybe as the thread progresses it's helping you think clearer and reformat your thoughts and approach.

Quote

I was like, look, it was starting to be really enjoyable with you but i get back to reality and i don't know if i should continue, he said i might have been lying to myself when saying i accepted the fact that he doesnt want to be exclusive, etc. Then i gather up my courage and finally ask him if he has feelings for me after 2 years, that i like his honesty and need to have an answer for my future choices. He leaves me on read for the night and answers this morning "You already know my feelings..." and honestly i'm lost, i want my answer, at least knowing if he has romantic feelings or if it's just this "i-like-you-more-than-just-friends" not so-intense stuff. I just don't know how to make him answer properly without making him curl back into a cave or be angry and uncomfortable.

If he's not compatible as a long term partner, there is no need to struggle for an answer with this person if you already know deep down he and you are not a good match. You may have feelings for each other but that's where it goes and where it fades off. 

There's nothing wrong with that and enjoy it for what it is.

[spiderowl]

Dear OP, he's just keeping you hanging on in the background while he sees other girls if he wishes.

Despite you 'accepting' his terms, what you really want is a committed, long-term relationship.  Being one of the girls in this guy's life is not going to give you that.  I know you are hoping and hoping he will change his mind.  He has shown no signs of doing so.

Of course he is going to be loving and charming whilst with you, otherwise you wouldn't be there for sex the next time he fancies it.

You need to be honest with yourself and draw a line in the sand for this guy.  Is he going to be exclusive or not?  Actually, forget that because he has already not bothered to give you answer.  He is leaving things as vague as possible because it suits him.   He is not a guy looking for commitment, only sex and company.

Please don't think if you love him enough you will change him.  A guy that is genuinely interested in more than sex with you will be keen to make sure you know he's the one for you.  He will want to be sure you are his girlfriend and will not be playing around with other girls.  Remember, it's not just about what HE wants from a relationship.  What YOU want matters too.  Your feelings matter too.  If he does not care enough about you to make sure you know he is your boyfriend, then let him go and catch diseases while you find someone who genuinely cares about you.

It is not your failing that he is not a caring enough guy, it is the way he is.  You, however, deserve and will find better.

Edited April 8, 2021 by spiderowl

[ExpatInItaly]

20 hours ago, apokatastasis said:

 Giving all these risks, and my goal of finding someone else, I still want to enjoy the few moments i spend with him, knowing that he cares, maybe not as much as I do, but he does, and shows it in different ways. 

Then what is the problem , exactly?

You can enjoy these moments if you want. Just don't expect them to be anything other than casual fun. Don't expect him to tell you how he feels (even if he's already told you in many different ways) 

This is all you're going to get from him. Whether or not you choose to engage anwyay, knowing he doesn't feel the same way you do, is your decision to make.