Meaniebutsofty Posted April 6, 2021 Posted April 6, 2021 So I’ve know this guy forever. We have been dealing with each other on and off for about 6-7 years. When it started we would just hang out. After a few months he would try to make our interactions more physical then they eventually did become as such. I made sure to steer our interactions cause I was worried he would play me. When I was younger I wasn’t the best to him and the fact he stayed around I am beyond now thankful. We were always pretty good friends, he would ask me career advice, I talk his head off about sports and ask him questions, we would have updates on family etc. So maybe 2 years ago I was going through some things and he was just a good friend and was there for me. It will opened my eyes to the true person he was and I started to fall for him. So a few months ago I kinda poured my heart out to him and he ghosted me. So 2.5 months pass and he reaches out asking why he hadn’t heard from me and we talk and basically makes me promise that I will never stop being his friend (so juvenile right). So now I am kinda confused and upset but I think about how he is and decide I need to talk to him more. So I ask him what’s his deal only reason you want to stay friends is because you 1. You still want to be intimate 2. You feel like you aren’t at my level and need to get there first. 3. You are having some commitments issues cause he his action show he definitely wants more. He said it was all 3 and he was struggling with commitment which is more fear which I understand he may not totally trust me cause of our past. Overall the talk was good and I think we have been doing better since I’ve been more transparent and he has in return. He is a very friendly guy, kinda reversed and for some reason has always followed my lead lol. I feel he might be waiting for me to initiate us being in a relationship cause pretty much our whole progression has been on me. As a woman I don’t mind, but I just want to make sure he is deciding on his own and not cause he thinks that’s what I want. I do want that, but I need him to do it for him and not me. I know this is always not common with men they usually take the lead, which at times he does but emotions I have to facilitate a comfortable environment for him to open up. He is starting to trust me in the way he is starting to open up about his personal feelings and past. I did ask how he felt if I moved on since he has a “Commitment phobia” and he said it’s not fair for him to expect me to wait. I told him we will see how he acts if I do move on. He wants to be fair, but I think he just doesn’t think he is adequate for me. I tried to reassure him that he is, but I just don’t know. I just want to know other’s opinions. Do you thing is this weird, should I let it go and see if he comes around on his own or should I proceed until I am met with resistance? I also want to tell him I am in love with him, but I think that might be too much too soon. Gosh this is a mess, but hopefully what I said makes sense lol
ShyViolet Posted April 6, 2021 Posted April 6, 2021 8 minutes ago, Meaniebutsofty said: So a few months ago I kinda poured my heart out to him and he ghosted me. What exactly does this mean, you "poured your heart out to him"? What exactly did you tell him? You shouldn't have to chase a man. If he wanted to be in a relationship with you, he would be. 1
Author Meaniebutsofty Posted April 6, 2021 Author Posted April 6, 2021 10 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: What exactly does this mean, you "poured your heart out to him"? What exactly did you tell him? You shouldn't have to chase a man. If he wanted to be in a relationship with you, he would be. Previously, I would tell him we would never be anything. At the time I was in a horrible place when I met him and I made my feelings clear that I did not want a relationship with him. Basically closed him off. Looking back now I can see he might have wanted more, but I was so afraid of being hurt I wanted to control the narrative. So now in the future I wanted to let him know my feelings had changed. I agree I am not about to chase a man, but I did want to let him know I do feel differently and I was wrong for how I treated him in the past.
d0nnivain Posted April 6, 2021 Posted April 6, 2021 If you previously told him you two " would never be anything" but now you want a relationship, you are going to have to chase him. If he has any self respect after years of you saying no thanks, he's not suddenly going to read your mind & figure out you want a relationship. So if you don't chase him you are never going to get anywhere & that's your fault. Since you broke this & made the mess only you can fix it. Invite him over to your house for dinner. Serve a nice meal & talk. You point blank tell him you have developed feelings for him & after all these years you would like to make a real effort at a relationship with him. Ask how he feels about that. For you to do anything else, especially something you think is subtle or for you to continue to play games because you don't chase, means this will never happen.
Author Meaniebutsofty Posted April 6, 2021 Author Posted April 6, 2021 1 hour ago, d0nnivain said: to Thanks for your take, I was thinking this was going to need to be my approach. I definitely do not deserve him, but I am grateful he has just left me in the cold. If he decides to I definitely understand. You are right we need to continue having deep communication and see where we go. So far our talks have been pretty good. I am hopeful and will continue as you put it chase him to right my wrong. Being young and stupid is the worst, especially having to correct those mistakes.
d0nnivain Posted April 6, 2021 Posted April 6, 2021 (edited) It's not like I want you to debase yourself. I am not suggesting you repeatedly chase him but do have ONE sit down where you clear the air & correct his misconnections about your present desires. If he accepts, great! If he says no, you leave it be. May a real effort though. Plan a nice evening & speak in person. Do not even attempt to move this along via text. That will guarantee that everything will be misinterpreted & it will end in disaster. Edited April 6, 2021 by d0nnivain
Author Meaniebutsofty Posted April 6, 2021 Author Posted April 6, 2021 (edited) Unfortunately, I don’t live in the same city as him at the moment so I will have to put just a little more effort in with him. I have learned we work better with face to face vs over the phone so the most recent time I saw him and we talked it went well. The part that sucks is I think of questions and things after we talk so then I end up with follow up, but it seems things are going okay right now. I don’t feel like I am overarching to be in contact with him and we already have a meet up set in a few weeks. The distance probably is not a great thing either, but I guess we will see . Edited April 6, 2021 by Meaniebutsofty
Wiseman2 Posted April 6, 2021 Posted April 6, 2021 (edited) 16 hours ago, Meaniebutsofty said: I did ask how he felt if I moved on since he has a “Commitment phobia” and he said it’s not fair for him to expect me to wait. You've been on/off friends, FWB for a long long time. He's not commitmentphobic. Did you recently break up with someone? His statement about "don't wait for me" indicates he doesn't see this ever getting past FWB. Don't chase that. Enjoy him as filler in between real relationships, but don't hold your breathe for him. Edited April 6, 2021 by Wiseman2 1
Sun Seeker Posted April 6, 2021 Posted April 6, 2021 Seems like you are completely wasting you time with him. He is giving you all the excuses. Not sure why you would even want to be with someone that has all this issues with commitment etc. Sounds like you are settling when you can do a lot better.
spiderowl Posted April 7, 2021 Posted April 7, 2021 (edited) If someone has an issue with commitment, it's probably because: i) he does not see himself being with you in the future; or ii) he is feeling cornered and pressured. I would not hold out hopes for this guy because, if he has had a crush on you for years, it's unlikely just to go. If you want him, though, then step back, do your own thing, reduce contact with him generally. The point in reducing contact is that he will then feel free and unpressured. If he was feeling pressured but actually really does want to be with you, he will get in touch again and want to spend time with you. He will contact you regularly and ask to spend time with you, going out, doing interesting things. He will make an effort for you. If he just wants you there in the background as a friend, or is hoping for occasional hook-ups as a FWB, then he will likely only contact you when he 'needs' you, when he hasn't got another girlfriend he can call on. I think it's in your best interests to focus on your own life and spend time making new contacts or socialising with your best friends (not him). Gradually the mists will clear as he will either show interest and try to get you to commit to him, or he will find someone else to hang out with. Either way, you will know what his real interest in you was. He won't look to someone else if he really wants to be with you. Edited April 7, 2021 by spiderowl
glows Posted April 9, 2021 Posted April 9, 2021 Nah, don't wait. Just dial it back, don't initiate any texts or calls or meet ups. Start meeting other people and talking to other guys. You don't have to cut him off. Give the sexual intimacy with him a rest. I think the sex is clouding your mind. If he's curious about you or your life he'd make more of an effort. As it is you don't owe him anything. This doesn't need a big conversation or break up talk. Just go about your life and date others.
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