Breebree4 Posted April 5, 2021 Posted April 5, 2021 I’m unfortunately back in the dating world after being married for 12 years. So far the experience has been absolutely awful. Seems like the same cycle repeats itself over and over again. I’ll talk to someone online for awhile, they act all excited about me, and can’t waaaait to meet me, we finally meet, have a great time, and then they start acting all standoffish. My most recent experience was Friday night. I went to a guys house that I had been talking to online for about 3 months. We live in a small town and have a lot of mutual friends so I knew it was safe. We basically Netflix and chilled. We hit it off really well and I had a great time. I’m really not proud of this part but I feel like it’s an important part of the story so I’m going to tell It anyways... We kind of had sex. I typically don’t do this on the first date but I had a few drinks and was feeling good. We were really hitting it off and had a lot of chemistry.... so it is what it is But let’s just say “it” couldn’t stay up.. so we just messed around, cuddled, and went to sleep. The next morning when I got up to leave, he pulled me back in and kissed me and said he didn’t want me to go, he did this a few times before I finally got up and left. I haven’t heard from him since!! I’m debating on wether or not I should contact him. But I feel like if he’s interested he would have contacted me by now. He liked one of my pictures on FB lastnight, so he’s not completely ghosting me.. but idk why he hasn’t reached out yet We’ve talked before about how we are both looking for our person, so I really didn’t think this was just going to be a fling type situation. Then I wonder if he couldn’t keep it up because it didn’t find me attractive, or was he to drunk? Is he embarrassed because of that and that’s why he hasn’t contacted me. So many questions! What do you all think?
Wiseman2 Posted April 5, 2021 Posted April 5, 2021 10 minutes ago, Breebree4 said: The next morning when I got up to leave, he pulled me back in and kissed me and said he didn’t want me to go, he did this a few times before I finally got up and left. I haven’t heard from him since!! Wait a few days, then shoot him a suggestion for getting together. He may be mortified about the ED thing. 2 1
ExpatInItaly Posted April 6, 2021 Posted April 6, 2021 8 hours ago, Breebree4 said: We’ve talked before about how we are both looking for our person, so I really didn’t think this was just going to be a fling type situation. Then I wonder if he couldn’t keep it up because it didn’t find me attractive, or was he to drunk? Is he embarrassed because of that and that’s why he hasn’t contacted me. So many questions! What do you all think? The thing is, you have no way of knowing that when you have not spent much time together in person. He might not be looking for a fling, but that doesn't mean your connection will translate well enough offline to carry it out of fling territory. That might not be what is happening here, but my point is that you can't really make too many assumptions about a person's intentions unless and until you've had more than a few dates to suss that out. It could be as Wiseman suggested - he might embarrassed about his ED. Did you get in touch with him after you got home? If not, why not?
chillii Posted April 6, 2021 Posted April 6, 2021 Same old story , soon as sex is mentioned and l don't usually do this and ra ra you know exactly where it's going. Anyway , yeah l agree give it a few days , who knows where he's at . And on the night. it could've be anything , drunk , not turned on , nerves , tired , doesn't even know you physically wants to know you better and on and on and on who knows. See if you hear from him through the wk. 3
d0nnivain Posted April 6, 2021 Posted April 6, 2021 I would reach out. He may be holding back because of the ED. If you initiate he's off the hook. But if he's not enthusiastic, leave it be. When you do reach out have an actual date that you pay for planned. If you reciprocate by inviting him to your house for more netflix & chill you will never get a proper date. If you are going down that road, limit alcohol consumption to help avoid a repeat.
Gaeta Posted April 6, 2021 Posted April 6, 2021 My money is on the ED. Usually if a woman had a good time she will text afterward to say thank you I had a great time. If you have not done that then the man thinks you're not interested because of the ED. I would also reach out and offer him an outing like walking the trails followed by a terrace, what ever is available in your area.
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted April 6, 2021 Posted April 6, 2021 16 hours ago, Breebree4 said: I went to a guys house that I had been talking to online for about 3 months. We live in a small town and have a lot of mutual friends so I knew it was safe. We basically Netflix and chilled. We hit it off really well and I had a great time. Netflix and chill is not a real first date. He basically put in no effort, and you reward this by going to his house the first night. This screams desperation, whether or not that's the case. 16 hours ago, Breebree4 said: We kind of had sex. I typically don’t do this on the first date but I had a few drinks and was feeling good. We were really hitting it off and had a lot of chemistry For all intents and purposes, this man is still more or less a stranger. 16 hours ago, Breebree4 said: I’m debating on wether or not I should contact him. But I feel like if he’s interested he would have contacted me by now. He liked one of my pictures on FB lastnight, so he’s not completely ghosting me.. but idk why he hasn’t reached out yet He may very well be embarrassed by what happened, or he could have lost interest. Either way, I wouldn't contact him. He's not treating you very well by all but disappearing on you. Don't reward this behavior by making it more easy for him. 2
smackie9 Posted April 6, 2021 Posted April 6, 2021 (edited) He didn't want you to leave because he wanted sex. You won't hear from him because he didn't get what he wanted. That's how that played out. If you just want a roll in the hay give him a call. If you think he's gonna want to date forget about it. Sorry but dating is like navigating through a mind field. You have to observe, see the red flags. To avoid all this crap, you have to stick to your rules of thumb like don't message someone for months. limit your communication, and if they don't ask you out on a proper date within the first week, ditch them. If you don't get a second date oh well, onto the next. It only take one to be the one right? Please be patient. If you don't take your time, that's when the crap starts to happen. A lot of people start getting desperate, start giving guys the benefit of a doubt, over looking the red flags. Then it just becomes a hot mess. Edited April 6, 2021 by smackie9 2
Calmandfocused Posted April 6, 2021 Posted April 6, 2021 If the cycle keeps repeating itself then you need to change something that you are doing... There’s no shame in wanting a bit of fun following a divorce. Heck, there’s even no shame in having one night stands if that’s want you want. But you don’t want any of that do you? Yet you give the impression that you do. If you don’t want one night stands, then you need to stop behaving like you do! If I was this guy I would have assumed that I was rejected due to the ED, especially because you didn’t take advantage of the opportunity to try again in the morning. Why didn’t you have sex with him again in the morning? Personally, if it was me, I would have taken the opportunity.... 1
introverted1 Posted April 6, 2021 Posted April 6, 2021 20 hours ago, Breebree4 said: My most recent experience was Friday night. I went to a guys house that I had been talking to online for about 3 months. We live in a small town and have a lot of mutual friends so I knew it was safe. We basically Netflix and chilled. We hit it off really well and I had a great time. Why did it take 3 months to meet? Were you looking for a ONS or were you hoping to date this guy? Nothing wrong with a ONS, but Netflix and Chill on a first date is not a recipe for long-term dating as a rule. Quote I’m really not proud of this part but I feel like it’s an important part of the story so I’m going to tell It anyways... We kind of had sex. I typically don’t do this on the first date but I had a few drinks and was feeling good. We were really hitting it off and had a lot of chemistry.... so it is what it is But let’s just say “it” couldn’t stay up.. so we just messed around, cuddled, and went to sleep. The next morning when I got up to leave, he pulled me back in and kissed me and said he didn’t want me to go, he did this a few times before I finally got up and left. I haven’t heard from him since!! This is a downside to first-date sex: you don't have the foundation to deal with problems if they arise. You don't know if his inability to keep it up was due to alcohol, nerves, or disinterest. And since you are basically strangers to each other, you also don't have the communication foundation to talk about it. Quote We’ve talked before about how we are both looking for our person, so I really didn’t think this was just going to be a fling type situation. Then I wonder if he couldn’t keep it up because it didn’t find me attractive, or was he to drunk? Is he embarrassed because of that and that’s why he hasn’t contacted me. So many questions! What do you all think? Could be he's embarrassed. Could be he realises you're not his person. Could be that whoever/whatever kept him from meeting you for 3 months is back on the scene. 1
ShyViolet Posted April 6, 2021 Posted April 6, 2021 "Netflix and Chill" or going to a guy's house at all, is not a good idea to do on a first date. It just creates a certain tone to the whole thing, it makes it feel like it's going to be just a hookup. That was your first mistake. 2
smackie9 Posted April 6, 2021 Posted April 6, 2021 2 hours ago, Calmandfocused said: Why didn’t you have sex with him again in the morning? Personally, if it was me, I would have taken the opportunity.... Because she sobered up..... 1
Beachead Posted April 6, 2021 Posted April 6, 2021 (edited) Hey OP, Wait until Friday. By then it'd have been a week. Contact him at that point to see how he is and see if he is up for another plan. Try something more neutral. See what he says and from there, decide. I would not make any assumptions as of yet. Also, try to avoid drinks and sex in general, especially while getting to know someone.. if you want to minimize the potential for problems. Our inhibitions are a part of who we are and they are in place for a reason. Drinking alters your mind and lowers those inhibitions. In my opinion, if you are going to lower them, lower them when you are in your right mind, and not in an altered state, that'll likely change the next morning. Edited April 6, 2021 by Beachead 1
Author Breebree4 Posted April 6, 2021 Author Posted April 6, 2021 I can’t figure out how to reply to each of you individually. But yes, I didn’t have sex with him the next morning because I sobered up. I honestly don’t typically have sex on the first date, ever. Im 30 and have only had sex with 5 people. Anyways... he posted a picture of his Razor on snapchat lastnight. When I was at his house he told me I have to come back to take a ride in it, so I snapped him and said “don’t forget to invite me next time!” And he replied with a thumbs up. Which again, makes me feel like he’s not interested. 1
Wiseman2 Posted April 6, 2021 Posted April 6, 2021 50 minutes ago, Breebree4 said: Anyways... he posted a picture of his Razor on snapchat lastnight. When I was at his house he told me I have to come back to take a ride in it, so I snapped him and said “don’t forget to invite me next time!” And he replied with a thumbs up. Which again, makes me feel like he’s not interested. That's ok. It was friendly, but not exactly an invite. Don't fret over this guy too much. He seems like the one-and-done type. 1
Gaeta Posted April 6, 2021 Posted April 6, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, Breebree4 said: so I snapped him and said “don’t forget to invite me next time!” And he replied with a thumbs up. Which again, makes me feel like he’s not interested. Sorry, that says it all. If you're looking for a serious dater don't waste your time on him. Go back online looking for someone else. Do not chat long before meeting, 1 week top! Have a first meeting outside, no home date. Take your time, don't rush in anything. Let them show you they're genuinely interested with their actions. Edited April 6, 2021 by Gaeta
glows Posted April 6, 2021 Posted April 6, 2021 It sounds lukewarm at best. He may not be sure about you or just isn't knocked off his feet or incredibly wowed by you. I know this isn't what you want to hear but a man who is interested will make it known. There is no doubt about anything he says or does and he makes sure he's the first one in line having anything to do with you. There simply is no room to wonder. If you are wondering and not sure, he's likely not that into you or interested in pursuing this as anything serious. You also mentioned it's a small town. If he knows the person you were married to or is aware of your divorce he may be biding his time or just plain discriminatory or not interested in divorcees. It happens. That only means that you are free to date someone else who is more on your wavelength and who understands you better. Don't waste time with time-wasters like this. 1
Beachead Posted April 6, 2021 Posted April 6, 2021 (edited) @Breebree4 It's up to you what you want to do but I still say to give it a few more days and see what he does. A thumbs up is lame and "Buddy-buddy'ish" but who knows what's going on behind the message. Some people are just real dry and boring in text. You've put the ball in his court so see if he reaches out to you, but don't wait too long. End of the week tops. If you don't hear from him by then, cut the line and don't look back again. Something that helps me is a personal rule I've established, where I give a person a little more time to reach out, than I'm willing to wait. It helps squash any possible doubt or regret I might feel later on when I do cut it off. By waiting a little bit longer, you'll justify leaving easily. - Beach Ps. If you put a "@" symbol with a person's name as I did in this post, you'll see a list of names pop up. You can select the person in that list who matches to the person you are trying to reply to. If you want to quote a person's message but don't want to quote the entire post, you can highlight the section of the post, copy and paste it, and then use the the quote symbols in the editing tab which you'll see on the top of your reply box. Hope that helps. Edited April 6, 2021 by Beachead 1
MsJayne Posted April 6, 2021 Posted April 6, 2021 I wouldn't contact him. I'd assume that the reason he kept trying to pull you back into bed was that he wanted to negate the failure of the night before, probably couldn't get it up because of alcohol and needed to demonstrate a bit of morning virility to save face. If he's genuinely interested he'll call you, if not let him offer his soft-on to someone else. 1
Recommended Posts