Ryan_B Posted April 4, 2021 Posted April 4, 2021 Hello. I've posted on here in the past about how my wife left me and took our children, and how I'm going through the courts etc to get 50/50 access to the children. Well this post isn't related to that as such, but onmver the last 4 weeks or so, I've been seeing someone new. The trouble is, I'm not really sure how I feel about her, but she's really fallen for me already (she is constantly telling me how she thinks we will be together for the long term and how she wants me to be her last partner!). We are roughly the same age and have two children from previous marriage but we seem quite different apart from that. I'm not really attracted to her physically, although we have had sex and other things quite a few times, but I'm not really that "I to" her. I've also seen how she is with her children, letting them get away with anything and doesn't discipline them at all, which is not how I am with my girls and I'm quite worried how my girls would act of they saw the way her boys act, plus her boys can be very aggressive towards each other. She is a nice enough person to get on with, but I'm not sure if she's what I'm looking for in a relationship long term. But she has already made me feel like I can't cut it off as she has made it clear that she's more comfortable with me than she ever has been with anyone else and how she is falling in love with me etc, I'm scared of hurting her, but at the same time I don't want to string her along. I've also agreed with her when she says that we are perfect together and hope we are together forever etc, as I didn't want to hurt her at all. I'm really not sure what to do!!
Gaeta Posted April 4, 2021 Posted April 4, 2021 9 minutes ago, Ryan_B said: She is a nice enough person to get on with, but I'm not sure if she's what I'm looking for in a relationship long term. But she has already made me feel like I can't cut it off as she has made it clear that she's more comfortable with me than she ever has been with anyone else and how she is falling in love with me etc, I'm scared of hurting her, but at the same time I don't want to string her along. I've also agreed with her when she says that we are perfect together and hope we are together forever etc, as I didn't want to hurt her at all. I'm really not sure what to do!! Remember George in the series Seinfeld? The episode where he wanted to break up with his girlfriend but she said no, she refused to breakup, so George didn't breakup..... Don't be George, breakup. She'll get over it, it's been 4 weeks! 4
BaileyB Posted April 4, 2021 Posted April 4, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Ryan_B said: But she has already made me feel like I can't cut it off as she has made it clear that she's more comfortable with me than she ever has been with anyone else and how she is falling in love with me Respectfully, it’s way too early for you to be in another serious relationship. And the fact that this woman doesn’t realize this, is a HUGE RED FLAG. Nobody in their right mind would decide after a matter of weeks that they are in love and want to commit to someone long term. Most especially, a woman has no business with a man who is still going through a divorce and fighting for custody of his kids, You don’t owe this woman anything. It’s been four weeks. If you are not feeling it, and you shouldn’t be feeling it because you are still very much entangled in another relationship, just end it. Have you seen a counsellor Ryan? I’m concerned for you - you really had to muster the courage to fight for equal custody and here you are going along with another woman you barely know because you want to avoid conflict. Something to talk about with a counsellor, how to deal with conflict and assert yourself in relationships. Edited April 4, 2021 by BaileyB
Author Ryan_B Posted April 4, 2021 Author Posted April 4, 2021 1 minute ago, BaileyB said: Respectfully, it’s way too early for you to be in another serious relationship. And the fact that this woman doesn’t realize this, is a HUGE RED FLAG. Nobody in their right mind would decide after a matter of weeks that they are in love and want to commit to someone long term. Most especially, a woman has no business with a man who is still going through a divorce and fighting for custody of his kids, You don’t owe this woman anything. If you are not feeling it, and you shouldn’t be feeling it because you are still very much entangled in another relationship, just end it. Have you seen a counsellor Ryan? I’m concerned for you - you really had to muster the courage to fight for equal custody and here you are going along with another woman you barely know because you want to avoid conflict. Something to talk about with a counsellor, how to deal with conflict and assert yourself in relationships. To be fair, there's nothing wrong with me wanting to move on and be happy with someone else. I'm not going through a divorce, I'm separated from my wife and the divorce might not happen for years, I don't need to sign a picee of paper and spend thousands of pounds just for myself to be able to find love again. I'm ready to date again, I'm completely over my ex and the situation with the children is a separate topic which is being dealt with. What's better, that I sit at home moping all day feeling rubbis for months and going to court in a really down mood, OR, start living life again, be happy again and go to court in a much better frame of mind? So I don't think I should seek counselling just because I want to be happy again! My issue is the fact that this girl that I'm seeing doesn't seem totally what km looking for, but I can't really put my finger on it as to why! But I certainly don't see why I can't start dating again, it's been a good ten months or so since my ex left me and we were pretty much apart before that and just lived together!
BaileyB Posted April 4, 2021 Posted April 4, 2021 3 minutes ago, Ryan_B said: To be fair, there's nothing wrong with me wanting to move on and be happy with someone else. I'm not going through a divorce, I'm separated from my wife and the divorce might not happen for years, I don't need to sign a picee of paper and spend thousands of pounds just for myself to be able to find love again. In other words Ryan, you are still married. If you plan to find someone else to have a relationship... you better believe you will need to get that piece of paper that says you are divorced. Again, no woman in their right mind would enter a relationship with a man who is still married. 1
Author Ryan_B Posted April 4, 2021 Author Posted April 4, 2021 1 minute ago, BaileyB said: In other words Ryan, you are still married. If you plan to find someone else to have a relationship... you better believe you will need to get that piece of paper that says you are divorced. Again, no woman in their right mind would enter a relationship with a man who is still married. She is also still married technically to her ex, but is seeing me, so why not? Many, many people split up but don't get divorced. Basically according to you, I have to wait a good 10 years or so before I'm allowed to be happy again, as I won't be able to afford the thousands of pounds it'll cost to get divorced for that long? Plus my wife (ex in all terms other than spending said thousands) has been living with a different bloke for the last 6 months, and she's obviously not divorced and her parner knows that... This is 2021, it's how the world is nowadays! 1
BaileyB Posted April 4, 2021 Posted April 4, 2021 Just because people do it doesn’t mean that it’s a healthy way to be in relationships.
cleverusername Posted April 4, 2021 Posted April 4, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Ryan_B said: But she has already made me feel like I can't cut it off This right here my man. The fact you're 4 weeks into this and already you feel she has control over your emotions is not good. Add in the fact you have conflicting parenting styles and you're not sure what you're looking for and it becomes worse. You're being emotionally manipulated. Whether she is doing it on purpose or subconsciously, it is unhealthy. While you should not have agreed with her in hindsight, I understand not wanting to upset her. As the saying goes though, bad news doesn't get better with time. My advice, pull back and set the pace. Tell her that you are moving too fast and feel overwhelmed, you are both caught up in the moment. If she agrees to slow it down, no rush and figure out if you are a right fit without all the words of affection. If she takes it negatively, leave her. She is controlling and it is the final straw in addition to all the other concerns you had. If she really likes you as much as she says, and not the IDEA OF YOU, than she will be ok with slowing things down. Edited April 4, 2021 by cleverusername 1
smackie9 Posted April 4, 2021 Posted April 4, 2021 (edited) No need for any explanation...end it with her. She's a bunny boiler...Happy Easter. Edited April 4, 2021 by smackie9
Wiseman2 Posted April 4, 2021 Posted April 4, 2021 6 hours ago, Ryan_B said: the last 4 weeks or so, I've been seeing someone new. The trouble is, I'm not really sure how I feel about her, but she's really fallen for me already Sounds like a filler relationship. Level with her that you see this as 'casual' or that you are not ready for anything serious/long term right now. At 30 days dating she can take it or leave it.
Author Ryan_B Posted April 4, 2021 Author Posted April 4, 2021 42 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Sounds like a filler relationship. Level with her that you see this as 'casual' or that you are not ready for anything serious/long term right now. At 30 days dating she can take it or leave it. The trouble is, I don't want something just fun or casual, I do want something more serious. I want to find something long term and stable, not just for me, but also I feel it's in my daughters best interests. But I just don't know if this person is the one I'm looking for!!
basil67 Posted April 4, 2021 Posted April 4, 2021 9 hours ago, Ryan_B said: I'm scared of hurting her, but at the same time I don't want to string her along. I've also agreed with her when she says that we are perfect together and hope we are together forever etc, as I didn't want to hurt her at all. I'm really not sure what to do!! You're already stringing her along. If you're going to end it, she will get hurt. That's just how it goes. But the longer you leave it, the worse her hurt will be. 1
Ami1uwant Posted April 4, 2021 Posted April 4, 2021 8 hours ago, Ryan_B said: To be fair, there's nothing wrong with me wanting to move on and be happy with someone else. I'm not going through a divorce, I'm separated from my wife and the divorce might not happen for years, I don't need to sign a picee of paper and spend thousands of pounds just for myself to be able to find love again. I'm ready to date again, I'm completely over my ex and the situation with the children is a separate topic which is being dealt with. What's better, that I sit at home moping all day feeling rubbis for months and going to court in a really down mood, OR, start living life again, be happy again and go to court in a much better frame of mind? So I don't think I should seek counselling just because I want to be happy again! My issue is the fact that this girl that I'm seeing doesn't seem totally what km looking for, but I can't really put my finger on it as to why! But I certainly don't see why I can't start dating again, it's been a good ten months or so since my ex left me and we were pretty much apart before that and just lived together! I get what you are saying...but....the general rule in dating is don’t date someone till they get divorced. If not then you coukd be wasting your time dating someone with no long term future and uncertainty/ jealousy of you going back to the wife or you’ve lied and are actually still with her when on business travel. many many women will not even give you a chance because of being separated only with no rnd divorce in sight. you might have a better chance with someone who has known you for sometime before dating. Her with her kids, you don’t understand how she is with the kids and say let’s them do stuff. She looking at you with your kids limely find issues too.
glows Posted April 4, 2021 Posted April 4, 2021 (edited) The problem isn't with you dating at all. It's you being a pushover and a doormat. Why would you even dream of going along with what someone else is saying when it's insincere and the polar opposite of what you think and feel? She's telling you one thing and you're agreeing with it despite it being as far from the truth as possible. You don't see her that way. It's so, so much more hurtful to find that out later than being honest with someone at the start. Be more honest with yourself and let her go. She's also over the top for four weeks and might be needing to fill a void even more than you do. Free up your life and yourself to find someone who's much more compatible to you. Edited April 4, 2021 by glows 1
Weezy1973 Posted April 4, 2021 Posted April 4, 2021 9 hours ago, Ryan_B said: My issue is the fact that this girl that I'm seeing doesn't seem totally what km looking for, but I can't really put my finger on it as to why! Because you’re not really attracted to her and don’t seem to share some core values, especially around how you raise your children? And when she started mentioning “forever” your gut told you she’s not the right one. So break up with her. 1
spiderowl Posted April 5, 2021 Posted April 5, 2021 Four weeks is much too soon for her to be saying the things she is saying to you. I can see why it puts you under pressure. You don't have to go along with it though; you can back off and say it's too soon for all that. You are having doubts about her parenting style and it sounds as if you are not in love with her. It would be best all round if you let her know that you are having doubts, otherwise you are going to feel more and more stressed as time goes on. It could be that this relationship could work very well if she wasn't pressuring you. The fact that she is, is turning you off. She probably doesn't realise that. I think you need to look at her, the relationship, her values, etc. and see how they fit with yours. If you think there is a good chance it might work out if you didn't feel so pressured, then just back off a bit and temper the relationship. If she won't allow that, you may have to end it. Regardless, it could get much more awkward if you allow her to carry on saying 'relationship' things. She really is doing this far too soon. Maybe she senses that you are not all that attached to her and may just be passing time with her.
ShyViolet Posted April 5, 2021 Posted April 5, 2021 You need to break up with this woman NOW. It's only been 4 weeks and she's already saying she wants to spend her life with you and she's falling in love with you.... and you already know that you're not that into her. If you stay with her then you are definitely stringing her along and you're going to find yourself in a real mess. She does not have the right or the power to make you feel that you "can't" cut it off. Of course you can. End this cleanly and quickly or it will get a lot worse.
ExpatInItaly Posted April 5, 2021 Posted April 5, 2021 20 hours ago, Ryan_B said: I'm really not sure what to do!! You probably know exaclty what to do, even if you don't want to: assert your boundaries and learn to say no, and let her go. Yes, she will be upset. But she needs to get a better handle on her emotions in general. She's getting really carried away here and it's not the behaviour of an adult who has mature and reasaonable grasp on themselves. You aren't with her for the right reasons and are obviously not that into her. Don't date someone just to date someone - take your time getting to know them, and then assess whether they're a good match for you. This one is very clearly not. 1
Sun Seeker Posted April 5, 2021 Posted April 5, 2021 It's been 4 weeks and you are too scared to end things.. stop being a doormat and grow some cojones and do what you know needs to be done.
Wiseman2 Posted April 5, 2021 Posted April 5, 2021 13 hours ago, Ryan_B said: . I want to find something long term and stable, not just for me, but also I feel it's in my daughters best interests. That's fine. But you don't want that with her. Just be straight up that you view this as casual. The sex will most likely stop. That's your hesitation. Now is not the time to pick out a future stepmother. Now is the time to date and reestablish what fits for you and what doesn't. So far this doesn't.
chillii Posted April 5, 2021 Posted April 5, 2021 lt's really unfortunate op , but it's pretty obvious she won't be the one for you. lt sounds like your straight out of your marriage though too anyway so it's not surprising , first shot would be pretty damn lucky, or unlucky pends on your views l guess. But some free time first , find yourself again and taking your time before getting involved again wouldn't hurt either.
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