What do I do if they're acting differently? Why I hate the talking stage.

[blueeyes87]

Been speaking to a guy for about 3 weeks and it’s going amazingly. We’ve been on about 7 dates now and things have really gone well - he’s deleted dating apps, told me he’s never been so happy, he feels I’m his best friend already, he can’t wait to do certain things with me etc etc. He told his mates “I’m gonna marry this girl”. We watch a tv show together every evening online if we’re not together. He has introduced me to his mum, he’s bought me flowers, he text me saying really cute things like “miss you” and “I always just want to be with you and speak to you”. He even started saying “adore you”. We’ve had a chat about relationships and he said he’s not interested in flings and hook ups, he just wants someone to “do life with” and settle down with now. 

The other day, I met a couple of his friends for the first time. Some of them were teasing me about my “boyfriend” and I made a passing comment like yeah I really like him and eventually this’d be amazing. I think the friends were quite drunk and this got back to him, and they were apparently saying stuff like “awww go on, just ask her out, she really wants to be your gf”.

This didn’t sit well with him and he said it “really freaked him out” and “I don’t want to get into a relationship with someone I’ve known for 2/3 weeks”. I explained it probably looked bad but it wasn’t how it looked from my side - but also I reacted to this not greatly at first, as I took this as he didn’t want a relationship at all, so I was sort of saying “you can’t say all this stuff to someone if you don’t intend on being with them?!” 

We cleared the air, I thought, as he explained he wants to get to know someone inside-out before jumping into a relationship with them. He sees himself with me but he doesn’t want to rush and wants to just enjoy the process and have fun. I said from experience I’ve always just been with someone if I want to be, regardless of time, but I can also see it from his point of view. All fine, I thought, completely understandable. I explained that seemed completely fair and everything was fine. 

But since then, for the last few days (not seen each other), he’s been REALLY off. He’s being polite but texting me sort of like a mate? Texting really slow, not saying any cute things/using any emojis, hardly asking anything about my day - he’d often double text as well saying something cute or sending a funny video or picture. But nothing. No flirting. Just bog standard replies. 

I have asked him if everything is okay and he’s insisting I’m panicking and everything is fine. He said about the whole thing that it’s “forgotten about”. So I haven’t asked again - but things really aren’t fine??? I know it might sound silly but his tone is completely different. Also, for the first time in weeks, he said no to watching tv because he wanted to chat to his mates last night (I’d obviously be completely fine with this usually - and I was fine with it - but just seemed a bit of a coincidence it was last night?). 

It’s made me feel really sick and sad all weekend, and now I don’t know how to play this. I’m trying to text less but then I just don’t hear from him. Do I text him slower, do I just back off, or do I act just as keen?... I’m meant to be seeing him tomorrow too, but he hasn’t brought it up yet..?

The whole dynamic is just completely different now and I really want to reassure him there’s no pressure from my side - as I think he thinks there is - but don’t want to bring it up again. I now 10000% understand where he’s coming from and I just want to enjoy it again. But I have no idea what to do, I’m really worried I have ruined it by seeming too needy?

[Gaeta]

12 minutes ago, blueeyes87 said:

Been speaking to a guy for about 3 weeks and it’s going amazingly. We’ve been on about 7 dates now and things have really gone well - he’s deleted dating apps, told me he’s never been so happy, he feels I’m his best friend already, he can’t wait to do certain things with me etc etc. He told his mates “I’m gonna marry this girl”. We watch a tv show together every evening online if we’re not together. He has introduced me to his mum, he’s bought me flowers, he text me saying really cute things like “miss you” and “I always just want to be with you and speak to you”. He even started saying “adore you”. We’ve had a chat about relationships and he said he’s not interested in flings and hook ups, he just wants someone to “do life with” and settle down with now. 

It's a text book case of too much/too fast, burnt before it took off the ground. 

Why did you go along with all that? There is noway a man would introduce me to his mother after 3 weeks! 

So you had sex? 

[Emilyinroses]

16 minutes ago, blueeyes87 said:

Been speaking to a guy for about 3 weeks and it’s going amazingly. We’ve been on about 7 dates now and things have really gone well - he’s deleted dating apps, told me he’s never been so happy, he feels I’m his best friend already, he can’t wait to do certain things with me etc etc. He told his mates “I’m gonna marry this girl”. We watch a tv show together every evening online if we’re not together. He has introduced me to his mum, he’s bought me flowers, he text me saying really cute things like “miss you” and “I always just want to be with you and speak to you”. He even started saying “adore you”. We’ve had a chat about relationships and he said he’s not interested in flings and hook ups, he just wants someone to “do life with” and settle down with now. 

The other day, I met a couple of his friends for the first time. Some of them were teasing me about my “boyfriend” and I made a passing comment like yeah I really like him and eventually this’d be amazing. I think the friends were quite drunk and this got back to him, and they were apparently saying stuff like “awww go on, just ask her out, she really wants to be your gf”.

This didn’t sit well with him and he said it “really freaked him out” and “I don’t want to get into a relationship with someone I’ve known for 2/3 weeks”. I explained it probably looked bad but it wasn’t how it looked from my side - but also I reacted to this not greatly at first, as I took this as he didn’t want a relationship at all, so I was sort of saying “you can’t say all this stuff to someone if you don’t intend on being with them?!” 

We cleared the air, I thought, as he explained he wants to get to know someone inside-out before jumping into a relationship with them. He sees himself with me but he doesn’t want to rush and wants to just enjoy the process and have fun. I said from experience I’ve always just been with someone if I want to be, regardless of time, but I can also see it from his point of view. All fine, I thought, completely understandable. I explained that seemed completely fair and everything was fine. 

But since then, for the last few days (not seen each other), he’s been REALLY off. He’s being polite but texting me sort of like a mate? Texting really slow, not saying any cute things/using any emojis, hardly asking anything about my day - he’d often double text as well saying something cute or sending a funny video or picture. But nothing. No flirting. Just bog standard replies. 

I have asked him if everything is okay and he’s insisting I’m panicking and everything is fine. He said about the whole thing that it’s “forgotten about”. So I haven’t asked again - but things really aren’t fine??? I know it might sound silly but his tone is completely different. Also, for the first time in weeks, he said no to watching tv because he wanted to chat to his mates last night (I’d obviously be completely fine with this usually - and I was fine with it - but just seemed a bit of a coincidence it was last night?). 

It’s made me feel really sick and sad all weekend, and now I don’t know how to play this. I’m trying to text less but then I just don’t hear from him. Do I text him slower, do I just back off, or do I act just as keen?... I’m meant to be seeing him tomorrow too, but he hasn’t brought it up yet..?

The whole dynamic is just completely different now and I really want to reassure him there’s no pressure from my side - as I think he thinks there is - but don’t want to bring it up again. I now 10000% understand where he’s coming from and I just want to enjoy it again. But I have no idea what to do, I’m really worried I have ruined it by seeming too needy?

Read the book ‘Attached’, you’ll learn how avoidant people react when there are serious conversations on the table.

[d0nnivain]

Re-read your 1st paragraph . .. everything you mentioned in there that has happened over the course of 3 weeks & 7 dates was all so much.  It was too much for how new all of this is.  Saying you are his best friend & that he wants to marry you.  Ridiculous.  You two barely know each other.  It tells me he throws language around very casually. 

Now he's freaking out about the label "relationship" & backing off.   

For you to be "sick" about this is equally troubling.  You haven't even known this man 1 month.  Nothing he does should have such a profound impact on you.  He's still a relative stranger.  

Take a deep breath & a step back.  Learn you can't trust his words.   See what his actions are.  The time or frequency of texts are NOT actions.  Do not interpret them as such.  But look at consistency.  I fear that he may be a love bomber who comes in hot & heavy then gets bored super fast & moves on to the next best friend.  

[Wiseman2]

A couple weeks dating is a time to get to know someone. And so far he's hot/cold and a bit flaky.

Step back and reconsider how much you want to invest a in someone who "freaks out" at the thought of "jumping into a relationship".

Sounds like he's on/off with an ex. This weirdness is not about you at all.

Edited April 4, 2021 by Wiseman2

[ExpatInItaly]

On 4/4/2021 at 2:39 PM, blueeyes87 said:

Been speaking to a guy for about 3 weeks and it’s going amazingly. We’ve been on about 7 dates now and things have really gone well - he’s deleted dating apps, told me he’s never been so happy, he feels I’m his best friend already, he can’t wait to do certain things with me etc etc. He told his mates “I’m gonna marry this girl”. 

This guy is getting very carried away. He hardly knows you, so please don't take any of that seriously. 

 

On 4/4/2021 at 2:39 PM, blueeyes87 said:

“I don’t want to get into a relationship with someone I’ve known for 2/3 weeks”.

But he can go around telling his friends he's going to marry you?

Forget about this guy. His love-bombing and flip-flopping are big red flags. He's all over the map and you barely know the dude. This was all way too much, way too soon.

Maintain better boundaries with the next guy so you don't get attached to someone you have only just met. 

Edited April 5, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[ShyViolet]

This guy is all over the place.  First HE was the one moving too fast with you, saying he wants to marry you, introducing you to his Mom???  And it had only been 3 weeks.  Then all of a sudden he flip-flopped and is pulling away.  Maybe he realized that he had made a mistake on moving too fast in the beginning.  Maybe he's realizing that he's not as into you as he initially thought he was.  

Let this be a lesson not to move so fast and get so carried away in the beginning.  Don't be "sick" over this.  You have only been seeing this guy for 3 weeks... you still barely know this guy.  

Edited April 5, 2021 by ShyViolet

[BaileyB]

It seems pretty unanimous, this relationship moved way too fast and that’s a problem. You’ve done everything you should do in the first six months in the first three weeks! Best to learn from this and set a different pace for your next relationship. Of course, it’s exciting but it’s best to take the time to get to know each other and enjoy every step along the way...

[Lotsgoingon]

Introduce you to his mom and talk marriage in three weeks--totally immature and out of control. But then this guy combines this fast fake closeness with an equally immature and opposite move: he doesn't want to use the word "boyfriend."

Are you kidding me? This guy is wildly incoherent. He makes no sense. You and I are soulmates, you're my best, meet my parents, but I don't wanna rush. 

Too many dates too soon. You don't want to meet anyone's parents in the first three weeks. You meet parents AFTER you start dating, after the dating status is officially agreed upon. 

You can NOT be someone's best friend in three weeks. That's a contradiction in terms. A best friend is someone who over time, based on experience and many many discussions and encounters, you both realize that you trust each other across a wide range of subjects and topics.  A best friend relationship requires time.  Requires that you build a history with someone, through ups and downs, highs and disappointments. There is no shortcut to being a best friend.

Yes something is off about him. He's nuts. He's not ready to date. His behavior makes no sense. Get away from him!

 

 

[Sun Seeker]

You have missed out an important piece of information, have you had sex yet?

[Miss Peach]

This sounds like a guy who is future faking to get what he wants. He either used it because he thought he wanted it or to get sex. Now he either got sex or things so fast and soon triggered him to retreat. In any case I would count the guy as emotionally unavailable at best and say you dodged a bullet if you want something real.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

On 4/4/2021 at 7:39 AM, blueeyes87 said:

3 weeks and it’s going amazingly

You barely know this person. It takes months to begin to see who a person truly is. Everyone is amazing at first.

On 4/4/2021 at 7:39 AM, blueeyes87 said:

We watch a tv show together every evening online if we’re not together.

Whether you mean to or not, you are telling him you have no life and no other options. You have devoted way too much time to a man that's not even your boyfriend. 

On 4/4/2021 at 7:39 AM, blueeyes87 said:

he just wants someone to “do life with” and settle down with now. 

Really now? When was his last breakup? This sounds like a rebound situation, where he just wants to be with anyone RIGHT NOW to take his mind off of grief. Whatever it is, dude is running from something or someone.

On 4/4/2021 at 7:39 AM, blueeyes87 said:

This didn’t sit well with him and he said it “really freaked him out” and “I don’t want to get into a relationship with someone I’ve known for 2/3 weeks”

I think at this point, he realized he has overpromised you, and that you have bought in to his words. He's back tracking. Just curious, was this said after you two had starting being intimate? (Assuming you have been.)

On 4/4/2021 at 7:39 AM, blueeyes87 said:

He sees himself with me but he doesn’t want to rush and wants to just enjoy the process and have fun.

You DO realize these two statements contradict each other, right? This is a great example of why you go with a person's actions over words.

On 4/4/2021 at 7:39 AM, blueeyes87 said:

But since then, for the last few days (not seen each other), he’s been REALLY off.

It's time to give him the gift of your absence. These behaviors would be a deal breaker for me, as I couldn't trust him to be honest, but if you insist on holding out hope, you need to back off and let the situation air out.

On 4/4/2021 at 7:39 AM, blueeyes87 said:

I have asked him if everything is okay

Asking someone you've known 3 weeks this question makes you look clingy and desperate, even if you aren't. Furthermore, he is already feeling trapped and this kind of questioning makes it worse.

On 4/4/2021 at 7:39 AM, blueeyes87 said:

his tone is completely different. Also, for the first time in weeks, he said no to watching tv because he wanted to chat to his mates last night (I’d obviously be completely fine with this usually - and I was fine with it - but just seemed a bit of a coincidence it was last night?)

You have to understand that he needs space. Again, he realizes he's bitten off more than he can chew. The best thing to have done is to not ask to see him, talk to him, watch TV online, etc... Instead, the more he pulls back, the more you are chasing. He should have no idea what you're doing or thinking. Let him wonder if you have moved on or even met someone else.

On 4/4/2021 at 7:39 AM, blueeyes87 said:

It’s made me feel really sick and sad all weekend

This is a sign that you've jumped in too soon, and you don't have enough hobbies, interests or other dates lined up. 

[Lotsgoingon]

OP, the main problem here is that you have disconnected from yourself. There is no YOU in this relationship. It's all what He's doing, what He's saying, what he's thinking. You are just along for the ride.

Many of us do this early on when we are getting our feet wet in dating. So no shame here. But you always have to put YOU into the equation, to the point where your agenda needs to be NOT what he does. Your agenda needs to be figuring out what YOU want and how YOU feel. 

You cannot build a relationship by going along with everything another person wants to do.

[spiderowl]

I am sorry, OP, but you have been rushed into a relationship-type situation by a guy who is either a player or someone who does not know what to do.  He was drawing you into his life and giving all the signals that you are very important to him.  As soon as you start to believe what he is saying/doing, and responding as if you are in a relationship, he backtracks and retreats.  He is stupid and messing you around.

If a guy rushes into things like this, beware!  Just don't let him, make him take things at your pace not his.  I have a feeling this guy is not a player but he is definitely immature and thoughtless.  He did not think how his actions would come across to you.

I would say, do not worry, either he wants to be with you or he doesn't.  At the moment, he is displaying 'not sure what he wants' signals.  He knows he has drawn you in and is worrying about the consequences.  Now is the time for you to back off, go and meet your own friends, and do not waste a single moment of your time waiting for texts, messages, or meets with him.  Treat him as if you have moved on and do not engage with him except to be polite and then keep it to a minimum.  If he is panicking about getting involved too soon, set him completely free, LET HIM MISS YOU!  He won't miss you if you are keeping in regular touch with him and hanging around waiting upon his every contact.  If he finds you are not available, not waiting for him, and in fact chatting to your other friends instead, his panic will end and he will start to miss you.  If there is any real attraction and connection in this relationship, he will miss you and not just miss sex.

Now that he has backed off enough to get you worried, he doesn't get easy access back into your life.  He has to make an effort, bend round your schedule.  There is no reason he should be off with you or treat you as less than before.  Now is the time for you to get on with your own life and leave him behind if that's what he wants.  I know you feel attached to him because of how he has been with you, but guys get attached over a period of time, not in a few days.  He needs to be dating you for months before you will really know how he feels about you.  He blurts out a load of rubbish at the beginning because he thinks that's what you do to get girls.  You can now teach him that getting the right girl involves time and respect and that you will not be around for him to mess up your feelings.  You are only there if he is respectful and dating you properly rather than playing games.

I would not expect commitment so soon, but at the same time, do not give away so much so soon.  Your time and energy is precious and he should respect that too.

Edited April 6, 2021 by spiderowl

[Caauug]

Nearly everyone has come up with great answers and suggestions..... Sounds like you were in a Fairy Tale R.... Fairy tales are not real....

On 4/4/2021 at 8:39 PM, blueeyes87 said:

 

It’s made me feel really sick and sad all weekend, and now I don’t know how to play this. I’m trying to text less but then I just don’t hear from him. Do I text him slower, do I just back off, or do I act just as keen?...

Why do you have to play anything??? Why not just be honest and be yourself??? Or have you been projecting yourself to him as someone you are not really and his friends have pointed this out and now he is a little gun shy???