Mirk Posted April 3, 2021 Posted April 3, 2021 Is it valid that I'm worried that my boyfriend still talks to the people he has dated before? and now they have a super close "friendship"
Gaeta Posted April 3, 2021 Posted April 3, 2021 Depends, not enough details. Are they exs from a long time ago? How long they were dating? have you met them? 2 1
Wiseman2 Posted April 3, 2021 Posted April 3, 2021 8 minutes ago, Mirk said: Is it valid that I'm worried that my boyfriend still talks to the people he has dated before? and now they have a super close "friendship" How long have you been dating? Why did he tell you all this TMI? He sounds like a collector. When you get fed up with his "friends", you be a "friend" too. Sounds like one of those guys who gets friendzoned a lot and is clueless as to why. 1
mark clemson Posted April 3, 2021 Posted April 3, 2021 Yes it's valid to be concerned about this, although I agree it's possible to be concerned about something that's not a big deal. Possibly you are the dreaded "rebound" relationship. Also, people sometimes cheat with exes, although you haven't given any reason to indicate that specifically. Consider the "trust but verify" approach to things? I have a view that, while it's not ok to ask you partner not to have friends (either gender), it's ok to ask your partner to end or "tone down" a specific friendship that you feel threatens the relationship. So, that is something consider as well. Of course if you really think your partner is at the point where they're sincerely interested in having/re-starting a relationship with an Ex, then your relationship might be a lost cause anyhow, as if someone really wants to step outside of the relationship there's no way to stop them. 1
Sun Seeker Posted April 3, 2021 Posted April 3, 2021 Yes it is valid. There's no reason to be friends with or even talking to people he has dated in the past. 1 1
basil67 Posted April 4, 2021 Posted April 4, 2021 Are they connected to his friendship group? If so, he can hardly be expected to dump his friends. That said, maintaining a "super close" friendship with an ex is not appropriate. 1 1
dramafreezone Posted April 4, 2021 Posted April 4, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, Mirk said: Is it valid that I'm worried that my boyfriend still talks to the people he has dated before? and now they have a super close "friendship" No. Its actually a sign of maturity and you should be encouraged. If the two of you breakup he won't become some bitter ex-lover. The issue is it sounds like you don't trust him. What does "super close" mean anyway? Is it possible that you're acting jealous? Is he hanging out with them? Edited April 4, 2021 by dramafreezone 1
Author Mirk Posted April 4, 2021 Author Posted April 4, 2021 Yeah I'm actually kind of jealous and scared at the same time. It's not that I don't trust him, but I don't trust those people since I don't really know them and he won't tell me more about them. I'm not as good looking as them and I have a lot of insecurities thats why I'm scared. I really hate the thought of them still making a move on him. By the way, my boyfriend is not telling anyone that he has me since its kinda complicated on his part. I'm scared that he might misunderstood. im just taking care of him and making sure he's safe whenever he go out and i'm not just making him feel suffocated. 21 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:
basil67 Posted April 4, 2021 Posted April 4, 2021 (edited) If he's keeping your relationship a secret, then you should not trust him. That it's complicated only speaks to the fact that he's doing something which wouldn't be viewed as OK by others in his life. Likewise, it's unfair to expect other women to not make a move on him when they don't know that you're an item. Why do you need to make sure he feels safe when you go out? Safe from what? Edited April 4, 2021 by basil67 typo 3
LivingWaterPlease Posted April 4, 2021 Posted April 4, 2021 2 minutes ago, Mirk said: Yeah I'm actually kind of jealous and scared at the same time. It's not that I don't trust him, but I don't trust those people since I don't really know them and he won't tell me more about them. I'm not as good looking as them and I have a lot of insecurities thats why I'm scared. I really hate the thought of them still making a move on him. By the way, my boyfriend is not telling anyone that he has me since its kinda complicated on his part. I'm scared that he might misunderstood. im just taking care of him and making sure he's safe whenever he go out and i'm not just making him feel suffocated. I'd be concerned by what you've written in this post. Having more info is helpful. It would bother me if my bf was not telling anyone that we're together. And he's got to make himself safe. I don't think you can do that for him. Don't worry about your looks, though it's natural. Unless your bf is a superficial type, which some people are.
dramafreezone Posted April 4, 2021 Posted April 4, 2021 5 minutes ago, Mirk said: Yeah I'm actually kind of jealous and scared at the same time. It's not that I don't trust him, but I don't trust those people since I don't really know them and he won't tell me more about them. I'm not as good looking as them and I have a lot of insecurities thats why I'm scared. I really hate the thought of them still making a move on him. By the way, my boyfriend is not telling anyone that he has me since its kinda complicated on his part. I'm scared that he might misunderstood. im just taking care of him and making sure he's safe whenever he go out and i'm not just making him feel suffocated. Well that's what you need to work on, don't you think? Why do you think he's super close to his exes? If it's not this it'll be something else, you'll think that he's too close to his female co-workers, why did he smile at that waitress, etc. This will be a recurring issue if you don't work on it.
Author Mirk Posted April 4, 2021 Author Posted April 4, 2021 Actually we're part of the lgbt community and he's not yet out to his family. That is the complicated part. I wanna make sure he's safe from trouble, and from those people whos hitting on him.
dramafreezone Posted April 4, 2021 Posted April 4, 2021 2 minutes ago, Mirk said: Actually we're part of the lgbt community and he's not yet out to his family. That is the complicated part. I wanna make sure he's safe from trouble, and from those people whos hitting on him. Ah, well that is a major detail you left out. I'm not in the LBGT community, but it seems like you'll have to decide if you're ok allowing him to come "out" on his own timeline or not. 1
basil67 Posted April 4, 2021 Posted April 4, 2021 14 minutes ago, Mirk said: Actually we're part of the lgbt community and he's not yet out to his family. That is the complicated part. I wanna make sure he's safe from trouble, and from those people whos hitting on him. He may not be out to his family, but why can't he be out to his friends? Why can't he keep himself safe from trouble and choose to have boundaries with anyone who might hit on him? It's not your role to keep him safe.
basil67 Posted April 4, 2021 Posted April 4, 2021 (edited) Thinking further, who is hitting on him? If women are hitting on him, then he won't be interested. If men are hitting on him, then it's no secret that he's gay and he could declare you as his bf within the friend group. Likewise, are the close exes male or female? Edited April 4, 2021 by basil67
deepthinking Posted April 4, 2021 Posted April 4, 2021 (edited) If he will not love you til you feel better {eg sweet-talk, cuddles} then see other people and see him less often. Nothing immature about prefering a happy outcome to your life. You are worried about his cominig out but where is he worried about you? Edited April 4, 2021 by deepthinking
ASG Posted April 4, 2021 Posted April 4, 2021 10 hours ago, Mirk said: Actually we're part of the lgbt community and he's not yet out to his family. That is the complicated part. I wanna make sure he's safe from trouble, and from those people whos hitting on him. You can't protect someone from people hitting on them. It's not your job or your place. He (I'm assuming you are both male here, sorry if that's not correct) is the only person that can do that. Protecting himself from people hitting on him, that is. You also can't "make sure he's safe from trouble". Again, you're not his mother, you're his bf. When I first read your post, I was going to say "I mean, it doesn't have to be a big deal. I'm friends with several exes, and fairly close to one or two people I have dated previously", but after reading more, I would say that yes, you do have something to worry about, but mostly because it seems like your bf is not on the up and up with you. I get not being out to his family, but surely he is out in the lgbt community. And if he's keeping you secret from THEM, then that is a massive issue in my book, that I think you should tackle by speaking to him about it.
d0nnivain Posted April 4, 2021 Posted April 4, 2021 Close friendships with EXs can be problematic. Step one has to be you addressing your own insecurities. Once you get some more confidence, his past won't be so threatening to you. Second you need to get to know these friends. Mark your territory. If you two are same sex but these past EXs are opposite sex & he's really not out, you probably need to find out if he's BI. If he's not then you don't have to worry about him going back to dating women, now do you? If they are also men, him hiding you from them is troubling. That has to end. You can't be the dirty little secret in the LBGTQ community even if his parents are not yet away of his orientation. Once you get that all squared away do what you can to help him come out. Tell him your story. Find him some support
Wiseman2 Posted April 4, 2021 Posted April 4, 2021 19 hours ago, Mirk said: my boyfriend is not telling anyone that he has me since its kinda complicated on his part. You're a secret? Why is that? What is so complicated? Is he married?
basil67 Posted April 4, 2021 Posted April 4, 2021 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: You're a secret? Why is that? What is so complicated? Is he married? Scroll up. It's LGBTQ relationship and he's not out 1
glows Posted April 4, 2021 Posted April 4, 2021 (edited) This is way too much drama. I'm sorry but at some point you'll have to draw the line on what you want to put up with. You may not want to date guys who are not Out yet as in out of the closet or declared gay openly. Both of you are at different stages if so and are worlds apart. Trying to protect him from inappropriate exes or other individuals is a lot of stress and burden you're taking on in a lopsided relationship. It's also thinly veiled jealousy and controlling behaviour. Don't go there. Think hard about whether this is for you. A healthy relationship shouldn't be this way. Edited April 4, 2021 by glows
smackie9 Posted April 5, 2021 Posted April 5, 2021 (edited) It depends. If he is sharing what people are texting him to you like "Hah Terry just made a funny comment about ____." There is nothing to worry about. But if he's constantly texting, hiding it from you, being secretive, then it's not good. He's choosing to do it, and won't stop, so asking him cut it out is a waste of time....you are dating the wrong person. Edited April 5, 2021 by smackie9
Miss Peach Posted April 5, 2021 Posted April 5, 2021 Since the LGBT dating pool is smaller these things are actually pretty common IME. I've also heard Dan Savage (who is gay) say the same. I would at least want to be out and meet these friends he's dated. It's up to you as to whether to date someone in the closet. I wouldn't want to be someone's secret. FWIW I'm bi and I'm not really out per se. My family doesn't live near me of visit often. I figure they don't need to know I've dated women unless I found someone serious. I have no issues being out with friends though and them knowing. I would be happy to introduce anyone I was dating seriously to local friends. You didn't say genders and what sort of queer relationship you were in. I have found the dynamics a bit different in the lesbian, bi, and gay worlds.
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